Post # 1
I walked in on my boyfriend of 2 and a half years (who I live with) watching porn and dipping (as in chewing tobacco). I am not naive or stupid… we are very close and don’t keep secrets (or at least that’s what I thought).
I am annoyed that he was watching porn because I just feel like he should be satisfied enough having me (I KNOW I KNOW, tons of people think it’s fine and not a big deal). Also, my boyfriend used to “dip” before we started dating just because he thinks it’s like the “country” thing to do and a lot of his guy friends and guys at work do it. STUPID. Anyways, I think it’s completely disgusting and he KNOWS this. I’ve told him I don’t want him to do it and that I find it so unattractive and wouldn’t want to kiss him. OH AND I CARE ABOUT HIS HEALTH TOO (which clearly he doesn’t)!
Anyway, I left and was going to be gone for a few hours but came home early and that’s what I found. I was so pissed!
Of course he is apologizing like crazy and saying it was stupid and he will never do it again and that it was the first time he has bought dip since we’ve been together (which I somewhat believe- but who really knows at this point). He is trying very hard to make me feel better about it but I am so angry right now.
It is not so much about what he was caught doing… it’s the fact that he says he would never do these things and then as soon as I leave he does them. What else do I have to worry about him sneaking around and doing? Will this lead to other things? Is he going to be even more careful to not get caught now that he knows I am on to him? I am so open and honest with him and don’t understand why he has to sneak around and be deceitful. I might be blowing this out of proportion, but I can’t help it right now because I am in the moment and feeling so many emotions.
What would you do? Is this going to continue? His apologies seem really sincere and he seems so upset and ashamed that he did this to me. How do I move past it but make sure he knows that it’s not okay to do again. UGH I am so mad.
Post # 3
please give me some advice
Post # 4
If I were you, I’d express to him those exact concerns you just mentioned; that you’re more upset at the fact he’s hidden these things when you’re so open about everything yourself.
The porn I dont think is a big deal unless it affects your sex life in a negative way (say, he doesn’t have the energy or, erm, fuel left to have sex with you because he’s too busy jacking off to the computer).
As for the dipping, no woman in hell thinks doing that is attractive! Talk about bad breath! It’s like kissing a mouthful of yuck! And the healty implications… cancer, BLACK HAIRY TONGUE!!! Get him to google THAT!
Post # 5
@katydaisy: When we turned 18, FI started smoking cigar-type things. I didn’t like it and I made it very clear that I didn’t like it. He didn’t smoke often, maybe once every couple months, but still. I told him that I wasn’t going to make him stop, but that he knows how I feel about it and can act accordingly. He stopped for a long time. We broke up and after getting back together, a friend says that she saw him smoking while we were apart and again shortly after we’d started dating again. So, I confront him. In short, breakup made him feel the need to smoke, I can’t get mad for him doing something while we’re broken up, but I can be mad that he didn’t tell me he was still smoking when we got back together. Like I said, it doesn’t happen often, but I’ve made him promise and he’s kept his word, that he will tell me whever he is going to.
I understand where you’re coming from, I’d be upset about him chewing, too. He sounds apologetic. I think the most you can do is emphasize how you feel about it and trust him to stop. Have you talked to him about why he feels the need to chew? FI would smoke when he was really stressed. We’ve been trying to come up with alternate ways of dealing with stress so he doesn’t feel the need to smoke.
I can’t really help as far as porn goes seeing as FI collects it and I watch it, but I’d treat it the same way.
Post # 6
@katydaisy: That is phenomenal. Tobacco AND porn!
I’d give him a free pass on the porn (because however gorgeous you are, men still want to see “Sorority Sister Fisting Orgy 4”)
But not the chew! That is seriously gross and CRAZY addictive (my Dad chews). Tell him not at home, ever. If he wants to do it out with his friends to look “manly” at boy’s night, whatever. Be a dumbass. But not alone at home!
Post # 7
I would just focus on discussing the deciet with him, and not focus on the actual acts right now. (For info: I’m in the porn is no big deal camp, but dipping is beyond gross to me.)
Personally, I would try to find out why he tried to hide the activities. Does he feel like he can’t talk to you? Is he ashamed of his behavior and feels the need to hide it because he knows it is wrong, not just because you don’t like it, but because he doesn’t either?
I also think maybe you need to have an honest talk with him about expectations for continuing this behavior (after you have solved the deciet issue)- personally I don’t think it’s realiztic for anyone to ever swear off a behavior 100%. When someone automatically just says that they’ll never do anything like that ever again, it makes me feel like they are being disingenuous and avoiding confrontation.
Maybe you should think about looking past the porn thing, and just accept that he does it, and that it’s not something you need to know about.
He can then make the concession on the dip and agree to not do it, or discuss using it with you Before he goes out and gets some.
Post # 8
thank you! When he comes home, we are going to talk and figure things out… I guess I should just be grateful that this is my biggest problem. It could always be worse.
Post # 9
@katydaisy: This is always tricky. I feel like there are a lot of posts about bees being upset because they told their SO’s not to do something. The biggest thing to me is, was it a MUTUAL decision or was he trying to appease you and make the conflict go away?
I maintain the stance that I can’t get upset with DH about habits he had before we met. I can try to express my concern about things and voice that I dislike things but the decision to quit something has to be his.
I’m so sorry you had to see that but this should be a sign to you that he doesn’t think these things are as awful as you do. I’d use it as a springboard for conversations rather than trying to forbid something.
Post # 10
My dad has dipped since he was 14. He married my mom at 21, and she made it clear that dip disgusted her. If she found it in the house, she’d flush it down the toilet, and if she smelled it on his breath, she wouldn’t kiss him. They’ve been happily married for 28 years now, but my dad still dips. He’s tried to quit many many times, but hasn’t been able to stop yet. It still irks my mom, but he keeps it away from her, so it doesn’t come up too often. My mom has kind of accepted that it’s a big struggle for my dad, and they don’t let it dominate the marriage. i guess the moral of the story is that it doesn’t have to be a deal breaker necessarily. i’m sure my dad has lied to my mom in the past about his dipping. Now, he doesn’t talk about it unless you ask him about it directly. He won’t lie, but he’ll avoid the topic out of shame or embarrassment I think.
Post # 11
My FI used to dip… Hated it. It was hard to get him to stop but he eventually did. Give him a shot — that stuff is addictive, it’s not so easy to just quit it
the porn thing…. No big deal… I think EVERY guy looks at it whether we know about it or not. Doesn’t mean you aren’t good enough, that’s just men being men!
Post # 12
I wouldn’t care about porn, but chewing tobacco wouldn’t fly with me. Nasty habit! I think you just have to talk to him and explain again how you feel about it.
Post # 13
i wouldn’t be so concerned about the porn but the chew is another thing.
talk to him calmly how you feel about it and ask him how he feels about it.
Post # 14
- Wedding: September 2015 - Ketchum, ID
@katydaisy: As far as the dipping goes, I think that’s disgusting haha. But I’d be a little upset if I caught my boyfriend smoking after he stopped, considering it’s a waste of money and is terrible for his health. There’s literally no pro to it. However, I don’t care at all about him watching porn, so I wouldn’t be mad at all. In fact, I would never tell him he couldn’t, or ask him not to. Just like I’d be incredibly pissed if he ever told me/ask me not to watch porn.
Post # 16
Ugh… the dipping is what would really get to me. It is so gross. Show him this website and ask him if he still wants to be “country” after seeing these pics http://www.killthecan.org/facts-figures/cancer-pictures/
Honestly though, you can’t control everything about him. He is is own person and he will always do things you don’t want him to do, even if it isn’t these things. What I do with my husband in these situations is really think about why and how much what he is doing really bothers me.
For example, in this situation I would tell him that the porn irritates me but I wouldn’t press the issue. But I would have a serious conversation about the dipping and how much I am looking forward to growing really old with him and when he disregards his own health like this, it makes me sad because I know he is shortening my time with him. I have actually had that exact conversation with him about smoking.