Post # 1
- Wedding: July 2016 - Chateau
Hi bees,<br />I’m going through something right now, but I thought that instead of telling you lovely ladies outright what I’m thinking of doing, I’d like to put the situation out there and see what people would do in my shoes
- Ok, you’re a woman marrying your SO of 3 years in 2 years. He and his family are from a different country to you (the country where you reside now).
- Your FI has a brother who has been married for 5 years (had a small wedding due to financial issues) and married a very difficult woman (they have 2 kids)
- You have decided to get married in your home country and your FI LOVES the idea (it was his idea) – Your parents own a restaurant there which is perfect and very convenient financially for a wedding reception.
- FIs family would have to fly to this country and are very reluctant.
- You opted for a 3 year engagement so as to give everyone enough time to save up if they want to and plan holidays etc.
- You have bought your dress and started planning your vision (you are a usually stressed person so doing everything bit by bit to not overly stress yourself)
- FMIL has not been happy because she is worried we will be “upstaging” her first son’s wedding and that it will hurt their feelings or make them jealous. As a result she no longer discusses the wedding with you.
- FIs family has spent a year pressuring you to get married in their village to make it easier on everyone. (“make do with what you have like FSIL and FBIL did” was a phrase used)
- You stood your ground and conceded to a second reception in the village for those who can’t make it to the wedding (you’re not forcing anyone to come).
- MIL has become very distant and angry at you for no apparent reason. The reason then comes up : the wedding. She believes you are forcing your FI to have the wedding in your country and no matter how much he tries to explain to her, she still believes you are behind it…
<br />What do you do? Do you give up your dream wedding and cave? or do you continue with the wedding knowing that it might create tensions between your future family-in-law and almost none of them will come (your own family is coming and FI doesn’t mind if his family chooses not to come). I mean, you have them forever as part of your family after the wedding…I dont want them to hate me. We never had problems until FI proposed to me…<br /><br />Thanks everyone, outside opinions would be greatly appreciated!
Post # 2
I’d do one of two things:
1. Depending on your guest, I might move the wedding to his country. If you have significantly fewer guests or your guests are in better financial positions, then it might make more sense logically to have the wedding in his country. But it would have to be something like you only have 15 people in your family and he has 50 or your family can afford to travel, but his simply can’t.
2. Have two weddings: one in your country and one in his. This seems like the easiest and simplest solution. AND you could even let your FMIL take control of the wedding in her country (which might make her happy).
It does suck that your FMIL isn’t very understanding, but she will be a part of your life for a long while yet, so you might have to compromise for the sake of family peace.
Post # 3
islandchloe: You have them as part of your family forever but you also have to live with the decisions you make for yourself. You can’t have a do-over of your wedding if you come to regret it in a couple of years. I think you need to do what suits you and FI best and know that no matter what you do, someone’s feelings will be bruised. If they are reasonable people, hopefully they’ll get over it.
Post # 4
The question should really be “What does your FI do?”, because he is the one who needs to take action with his mom. He needs to explain to his mom that it is his choice to get married in your country, is not being forced in any way, and is not changing the plans any further. Honestly, if she does not believe her own child telling her this information, there may not be much of a relationship to salvage with her.
Keep planning your wedding the way you and your FI want it and avoid discussing the wedding with her (which it sounds like is already happening). I think the reception in his hometown is a great compromise because it allows everybody to celebrate, maybe even let her take charge of planning that as one of the PP’s suggested. If your FMIL cools down after talking directly with her son, great. If not, then that is their own decision to make. Just as it is your decision to get married the way you want.
Post # 5
Honestly, its YOUR wedding.
I think the wedding at the restaurant in your country is what you both want so its what you should do. Your FMIL will get over it. And if she doesn’t then that is her problem. If you back down, she will always have control over you and you will regret not having the wedding you wanted.
Ultimately, as adults, i think we have to decide when to live our life the way we want which might mean “disappointing” our parents. But trust me you will be happier if you stand your ground.
Post # 6
- Wedding: November 2014 - Mauritius
islandchloe: really sorry to hear your situation. As I have said on mine and many other bee’s posts around this sort of thing, you guys need to do what is right for you, not his family, not your family, you. I have realised no matter what, you won’t be able to please everyone (although it is sad that you have to please everyone else on the one day that is meant to be 100% on you and FI) and trying will only stress you guys out. I am sure if you decided to marry in FMIL/FSIL’s country there would be people that wouldn’t overly happy with travelling over either, just the way it is.
We had simular issues, resolution? Private ceremony and back to a reception.
You could do what is suggested above and have the wedding you want and possibly a blessing in the other country? It’s just something that you and FI will have to decide on together without any outside influence.
Hope it all works out x
Post # 7
Sounds tough. I think your FI needs to sit down with his Mum and tell her that it was his suggestion, you are both happy, you have agreed to have a party in his home country but the wedding will take place in yours. It is your day. It is unfair to compare it to anyone elses. I think the way she is acting is bang out of order but as with all family matters, you need to tred carefully. I think you are being more than reasonable (giving people time to save etc). Best of luck.
Post # 8
I have a very difficult FMIL who seems to enjoy triangulating between her son and me. We’ve just decided that in terms of wedding plans, he tells her the big ones as if they are set in stone, and I ask her advice on little details that aren’t so important. Or ask her opinion on little things, such as does this dress need to be hemmed for these shoes? That way she feels included, but her son has already laid out the big decisions she may not agree with.
I really think that how you two handle this situation will set up her expectations for furthur situations. Do you want to always be caving to her? The second reception sounds like a good compromise, but I would be clear about my boundaries with her.
Post # 9
islandchloe: I would start by pointing out to her that you two see her a hell of a lot more than you see your parents. Would she rather you live near her or have your wedding near her? I can’t think of one parent who would choose the wedding. So ask her to think about how your family feels and to chill the fuck out. (that last part is probably inadvisable)
Post # 10
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
I wouldn’t have to do anything because Mr. LK would have already told his family to zip it and behave like adults. If they choose not to attend, that would be their problem and not ours. if they choose to attend, they better do so with a smile on their face and a kind word on their lips.
Then again, we both come with pushy families, and learned how to handle their antics long ago. neither of us have any problems putting pushy family members in time out for bad behavior. Life is too short to let other peoples’ unreasonable expectations and childish behavior make you unhappy.
Post # 11
As long as FI is fine with the wedding in your home country amd is willing to stick up to his family about your joint decision I would have the wedding at your family’s restaurant.
Post # 12
I would politely tell my FMIL that the choice to have *my* wedding where *I* want it has nothing to do with ‘upstaging’ anyone and she is being too sensitive…there is probably another hidden reason for her not liking the idea. If she doesn’t want to come, she will only be hurting her son. In the end, leave that choice up to her but do not let her dictacte your wedding. This is about you and your FI, not her and whatever problems she has.
Post # 13
islandchloe: That’s a tough one if his culture is one where you don’t want to upstage the next person or whatever (just a guess). And perhaps your own country isn’t like that (US?). I personally would have my wedding where I want, I’m pretty headstrong. I think you could appease her now and not to that, but she could be a pain in the butt your whole life over lots of things, you know? So giving up your dream wedding won’t matter. I’d say it’s also up to your FI to work it out with her. It’s HIS mom.
Post # 14
I’d have the wedding me and FI want. If your FMIL get pissed and FBIL/FSIL get jealous/mad tough shit, that’s on them. Everyone is allowed to have the wedding of their choice. If you can afford more than your inlaws had then you shouldn’t have to scale back your wedding because they will get jealous, it’s ridiculous.
Have your FI tell his family this is happening in the country you are from and they can choose to attend or not but he wants it at your family’s restaurant in the country you are from and he made that decision. Either way you are his soon to be wife and they need to start respecting you and also your decisions made as a couple.
Post # 15
- Wedding: July 2016 - Chateau
Thanks so much for your great opinions everyone! I’ll have a chat with FI and see if he can’t talk to his mother about it in a way that makes her understand. We’ll continue with our wedding as planned (like so many of you, and FI, suggested), I’m just a quiet person who usually worries too much and walked all over. I shall stay strong while not making things worse.