What would you do bees? I need help from my waiting pals.

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
496 posts
Helper bee

@nonabee:  Nope, I say move back in and make sure it is clear to him to you love him but you need to be ablet o support yourself. Do NOT in any way connect it to him not proposing because then it will seem like punishment. The simple fact of the matter is that you need to be able to support yourself and your child and cannot do so if you go to school full time. Until you are married, you are not his responsibility and he is not your responsibility.  If HE brings up the fact that you are doing it becuase you are not engaged, let him know you would not be able to pull your half of the weight while you are in school and if you are not married it would be unfair of you to make him responsible for you.

Post # 4
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee

I think you may be over reacting a bit. I understand that you need to protect your self amd your child, but if you already live together and are planning on getting married, I don’t see why he would have any issue of helping you out. That’s what partners  are for. I was in a similar situation as you, minus the children. I have been with my BF for 7 years, living together for 5 yrs. I decided to go to school after I was living with him.

 

 . I got laid off right before school started and my BF supported me the entire time. I was really  worried about it before school started. I did not want to put any stress on our relationship, or make him feel burdened by me.

I was also considering moving out because I felt bad that I would not be able to contribute. I was open with him and told whim exactly what I was worried about. He told me that even though we are not engaged yet, he already committed to me for life a long time ago. He said that we are there there for each other no matter what, and he knew I would help him if he needed it. He even took it a step further and said the money we make is ours collectively, so I should not worry about it. I told him after I graduated and got a job it could be his turn and he could go to school full time if he wanted.

i just graduated. Everything was great between us while I was in school. At first, it was hard for me to ask for money for stuff, and hard for me to accept help (I have always been independent). After a few weeks he put me on his account and told me it was our account so I did not have to feel weird about asking.

i think you need to be open with your BF and tell him how you are feeling and what you are worried about. Make sure to tell him about your past relationship and your ex holding the money over you. You can still move if you feel that’s best for you, but I would taltrio him first. I would also leave engagment out of it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 5
Member
496 posts
Helper bee

The reason I don’t think you are overreacting is that stability for your child is the most important thing. I have a child, and my perspective has changed because of it.  The issue with him helping you out is that you are putting yourself in a very vulnerable position especially if that child is not his child. There is a certain dignity in being able to provide for your child and if you are not married he is doing you “a favor” or “being nice”. Whereas if both of you were married, him supporting you and your child and you supporting him is what you both signed up for. He did not sign up for this and he might begrudge you for making him support you.

Post # 6
Member
1779 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1997

@nonabee:  I would move out now. I wouldn’t want my child (or his for that matter) becoming attached to him (or his to me) when it is obviously not yet clear whether your relationship will be permanent (ie married)

Both children are already from broken homes (ie don’t live w/ both bio parents) thus wouldn’t want to set them up for that happening again. Of course even engagement/marriage is not 100% but it is definitely more of a commitment than just a live in “friend” as you are now.

I know this is not what you asked, nor am I  trying to be judgemental, just pointing out that thi is the much bigger issue. Kudos to you for wanting to be able to support yourself too.

Best wishes.

 

Post # 7
Member
1157 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@nonabee:  I believe that you should stay. I personally wouldn’t move in before getting married but in your situation, I would not move back home just yet. 

Why hold what your ex did over you current SO’s head? Give him a chance to prove himself. If there is ever a time where he throws it in your face that he is supporting you, go back home. 

Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
1312 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - NH

I think you just need a good heart to heart conversation.  Does he still want to get married?  Talk to him about your concerns about his interest and then change of interest and let him know that for you, and for both of your children, you need stability and to know if continuing to live with him is the right decision.  I wouldn’t wait another year…if he puts it off, says he isn’t sure or no, I would separate and stop the attachment between the children.  It’s not fair to them, and it’s not fair to you to not know where you stand.

 

Post # 9
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4yrs, I have two children from a previous relationship and we have one together. I have been working part-time for the past year and a half while I’ve been back in school for my BSN. He has been paying for everything but my car payment the whole time. I know he loves me and this family. He wants to support me going back to school because it is whats best for all of our futures.  I know what you mean about relying on someone else to support you, it was hard for me at first too. But i realized thats what people who love each other do. Still, I cant wait to graduate next year. 

Anywho, I think if you are already living together with your child, and you feel good about marrying him if he asked, you shoudnt move back in with your mom. Give him a chance and see how it goes. Im sure your kid is already attatched and if he loves you, hes going to support you no matter what.

Post # 10
Member
1981 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

You are a Momma bear protecting your cub!  I think your plan is fair- you aren’t threatening to break up or anything.  He has a year to make a proposal happen, or else you will ensure that you are financially independent and provide stability to your child.  With that nudge, if he doesn’t propose in the next year, he probably never will.

Post # 11
Member
252 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

This seems like a lot of back and forth for your child? I don’t think that enviroment is very healthy. I would sit him down and have a long conversation about bills and expectations and set a clear plan. Because you have children, I personally don’t feel you two have the luxury of moving in-out-in-out……..

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