(Closed) What would you do? Confused…

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
3267 posts
Sugar bee

@bestbuddies:  It is an invitation not a summons.  You can decline for whatever reason you like.  Not really being friends anymore, distance to get there, not being invited to the wedding are all excellent reasons.

The rule I use for if I send a gift is, if I would have gone if circumstances were right, I send a gift.  If I probably would have declined if it was in my backyard, then no gift.

Since you don’t know this person, I wouldn’t attend and wouldn’t send a gift.

 

Post # 4
Member
2144 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I don’t think you need to get her a gift, maybe just send her a nice card?

Post # 5
Member
2282 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

The rule I use for if I send a gift is, if I would have gone if circumstances were right, I send a gift. If I probably would have declined if it was in my backyard, then no gift.

This is just about the best rule I’ve seen yet on how to make this call. Thank you, andielovesj

Post # 6
Member
386 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I would not send a shower gift, I think that you only bring a gift if you are attending the shower. Some people say that if you are invited to the wedding you should send a gift whether you attend or not. I don’t really believe this either, you should send a gift or card if you want to but if you don’t want to then don’t.

Post # 7
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@andielovesj:  Also agree with this.

You are under no obligation to go and you don’t have to feel bad about it either. Send a nice card saying you won’t be able to come for the shower as it’s too far (just be honest). Also, if you’re not definitely invited to the wedding, I think it’s a little odd to be invited to the shower!

Post # 8
Member
11760 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’d send a gift but don’t think you are required to.  I’d probably skip the shower and go to the wedding if invited though.  I’ll take any excuse to travel and go to a wedding! 

Post # 9
Member
705 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I’d probably decline and send a card with a small (~$10) gift card enclosed.  If she’s going to be this gift grabby and you don’t send a token gift, there will be hell to pay in the form of her “hurt feelings” and whatnot.  To me, it’s worth $10, a card and a stamp to keep the peace and avoid the overdramatic phone call/email/text message.  Hopefully you’ll never hear from her greedy ass again.

Post # 10
Member
1735 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Send a nice card and/or a small gift card (if it’s in your budget). It’s a win/win: she’ll feel happy that she was remembered and you’ll know that you’re a classy dame.

Post # 12
Member
12565 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would send a small gift and graciously decline the invitation.  It sounds like she wanted to include friends from all parts of her life, and while it may seem weird, I think it sounds a bit sad. 

Post # 13
Member
1683 posts
Bumble bee

@bestbuddies:  You should send a gift only if you genuinely feel sufficient fondness for the couple, that you wish them to have a lasting memorial of your regard to incorporate into their married life.

If you do not have such regard for them, ynot should not send a gift whether you are invited or not, and should decline the invitation. Etiquette does require that you send her a note immediately, declining her invitation and extending your best wishes for her impending marriage. This reply should be given in the same way that the invitation was extended, so yes Facebook private message is, in this case, acceptable.

If you DO feel such regard, you may and should send a gift, whether you are invited to the wedding or not.

 

Post # 14
Member
967 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I would decline and send a card, but no gift….

It sounds very gift grabby to invite someone whe hasn’t really been friends with for 2 years….

Post # 15
Member
227 posts
Helper bee

That’s so strange! I don’t think you’re obligated to do anything. You can wish her well on FB if you want and just tell her you’re sorry you can’t be there. I like the rule of only sending a gift if you would have done so anyways. 

Post # 16
Member
227 posts
Helper bee

That’s so strange! I don’t think you’re obligated to do anything. You can wish her well on FB if you want and just tell her you’re sorry you can’t be there. I like the rule of only sending a gift if you would have done so anyways. 

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