Post # 1
This weekend I told my brother I had a date and place and that I wanted him to be an usher. Well I have a niece, my niece is not quite 2 yet and big bro starts hinting at how adorable she would be as a flower girl. So I sweetly informed him that while my niece is well loved, she is simply too young to be a flower girl. He started to attempt to convince me that she would be the cutest thing on two legs and the perfect entrance for me.
In my head I’m envisioning hearing my classical music selection playing as my niece refuses to walk down the aisle alone or burst in tears until her mom has to walk down with her….I again tell him that I think not and in all honesty me and Fiance decided we were not having kids at the wedding and maybe he needed to find a baby sitter…. Wrong answer….. It’s like I had mumbled blasphemy ….in 5 minutes he was calling me from his cell phone upset saying that his child was family and he would not leave his child for 3 days out of town and she goes where he goes and she was coming and on and on and on and on..Then he starts trying to use other family members with kids as an example and I out right told him I was not going to just allow some people to bring kids and tell other people “NO” so he should only advocate for his child not anyone else in our family based on they have no sitter!
I reminded him that he had went to a wedding last summer with His girlfriend and left the baby and that people don’t have kids at weddings all the time! My mom was in ear shot and motioned for me to just drop it so I told him lastly me and Fiance are both paying for this wedding and it’s not just my decision. Then following my mom’s request I gave in and told him fine, she could be in the wedding and that her Mom had to walk with her and if she became disruptive during the ceremony they had to take her out. I told him I was agrreing only because he can’t make other arrangements and Its important to me that hes there so if shes in the wedding it at least will justify why shes there!
I was really UPSET after getting off the phone. I told my Maid/Matron of Honor and she blew it off and said to pick my battles and she’s sure it would be cute…. I told Fiance and he laughed and reminded me that his siblings don’t have kids and his cousins were not bringing their kids and agreed with me that she was too young to be in the wedding…but also told me he wasn’t going to get involved it was my issue to handle….
So here’s my question… what would you have done? Is there a compromise? Did I just get bullied by my big brother or am I being unreasonable? Will this open the door for more relatives with kids making pleas or is there a way to draw the line?
Post # 3
I think you did get bullied into it, but it’s not the end of the world.
We’re not having kids at the wedding except for our Flower Girl (who will be 6 at the time). Her parents said they could arrange for a family friend to pick her up after the ceremony, but the friend they mentioned has two small children herself and it would be a 90 min drive for her. We said she could stay, as long as they were aware there are no other kids there.
If she’s part of your wedding party, you can play it off like she was invited because of that. As for other family members. just say “outside of our adorable Flower Girl, we have elected not to have children. We didn’t think it was fait to not invite the Flower Girl to the festivities after she was such a big part of our day.” and leave it at that.
Post # 4
@abbie017: Thanks and I like that response ! I just didn’t think i was being unreasonable and it helps to hear that I just don’t like how my brother did that it wasn’t respecting my feelings or wishes for my day and running a guilt trip like i don’t love my niece by saying no.
Post # 5
So I wanted to respond to you before the “you suck for not wanting kids at your wedding responses come in”. Lol!
I think you did the right thing by allowing your brother to bring his daughter. I know you want no kids but I think it was right for you to accommodate them, especially if your brother will have to go out of town for 3 days to attend your wedding. If it is essential that he be there, then it is essential for you to make appropriate accomomodations. Now, that being said, if you don’t want your niece to be the flower girl, then you need to be honest (and gentle) with your brother and simply explain that while your niece may be an adorable addition to your wedding, you think she might be too young to participate as more than a guest. As for additional relatives, I would ask your brother and family to not broadcast that one kid is coming to the wedding.
Post # 6
@VegasSukie: LOL @ you suck responses! yeah i wasn’t sure what i was going to get but i have been to weddings without kids so i was hoping to avoid getting the “shame on you” but thanks for the response he does have to be there, we have a great relationship and i actually would feel bad if she was disruptive and he had to take her out…. its just that i don’t understand how he couldn’t seperate that while its important for him to be there his child is a toddler she won’t remember if she was there or not…but I do want to accomdate him and i will talk to him again and let him know not to brodcast that she will be there to family i want to avoid calls once invites go out trying to pressure me into allowing kids. My parents had the nerve to suggest that people will bring their kids no matter what I request….I’m really hoping no one would be that insenstive but i’m not sure what the ettiquette is on letting people know not to bring children????
Post # 7
@ambereyez: Well seeing some of the responses on other threads in support of kids at weddings, I would say that some of your guests may very well go against your wishes and bring their kids anyway. By then, it will be too late to do anything so try not to worry. When you send out your invites maybe add a little blurb in the RSVP that states “we have reserved X number of seats for you and your guest. When those with kids see that they’ve only been reserved 2 spots let’s say, they should get the hint. Good luck!
Post # 8
That was pretty rude of your brother to try to convince you that his kid should be in your wedding. He could suggest it, but once you said no he should have dropped it. You do not have to have her be your flower girl. As PP said just re-iterate that you’d love to have her in the wedding, but think she is just to young.
With that said, it’s perfectly fine and reasonable to want a kids-free wedding (the only exception being newborns). It’s also perfectly fine to have the only kids be the flower girl or ring bearer or to invite only neices and nephews. Kids are definitely not an all or nothing thing. Since your brother is Out of Town and it clearly means a lot to him, I agree that you did the right thing by letting him bring your neice.
The etiquette for requesting no kids is to simply list the names of the people who are invited on the actual invite. So you should address the invite to Mr. and Mrs. Doe as opposed to the Doe Family. If people RSVP their children you call them up and politely explain that the invite was for them only.
Post # 9
maybe it’s just me, but i love and adore my nephew so much and it wouldn’t be my wedding day without him there.
i understand (kind of) not wanting a million kids around, but my sister’s baby is the same as my own baby (ok, fine he’s 7 now) and well, he belongs with us. i think your brother was hurt by the thought of his sister wanting to exclude his child from the day.
you shouldn’t feel bullied into do anything. i would more like you to be able to put yourself in his shoes and see why it was so upsetting for him.
and i’m not saying “you suck” at all! i’m just trying to give another perspective. weddings are a PAIN- everyone’s got an opinion and a different stake in it.
Post # 10
We had a no kids wedding, with the exception of my cousins’s little girl who was my flower girl (she’s 4).
Honestly, having her in the wedding party is an exception because she’s in the wedding party. If someone else asks, just say “Sorry, the only kids invited are in the wedding party.” Just be firm and make sure you don’t leave any leeway in your invites for people to bring their kids. We actually added a line to our RSVP cards that said “___ seats have been reserved for you” and filled it in on each invite so that there was no room for interpretation.
I think your brother was way out of line. He should have been respectful of your wishes and left it alone.
Post # 11
I think you’re doing the right thing by letting your niece be in the wedding. And to be honest with you, I had 2 little flower girls who were 2 1/2 years old each, and they were adorable.
I think since she’s so important to your brother, that you did the right thing by having her in the wedding. I also think that allowing her and only her as the only child at your wedding will be fine as well. It’s more understandable to have your niece or nephew at your wedding than every kid in the joint. Know what I mean? So I think that you did the right thing, and no one will question you on it.
Post # 12
@RunsWithBears: Thanks I agree and I feel more comfortable with what happened even if it was more me caving than a respectful compromise…. I am going to have another convo with my bro to adress the bully move and inform him he is not to tell anyone shes in the wedding, and respect my wishes for no kids, its not fair to put me in a position where i have to appease all relatives he is an exception and I feel its a fair one after reading all the post… I plan to use the RSVP etiquette to prevent any other kid mishaps …great idea!
Other bees thanks for not telling me ” I suck” LOL you chicks rock! 🙂
Post # 13
@ambereyez: Good idea talking about him about feeling bullied. And don’t feel as though you have to appease other relatives. As I (and other PPs) have said, it’s prefectly acceptable to invite just the kids in the bridal party. Good luck!
Post # 14
He didn’t handle that very nicely. It’s your wedding and if you choose for it to be an adult event than it’s an adult event. Personally we had kids in and at our wedding, and I STILL don’t understand why people insist on their kids being there when they’re not invited.
You did get bullied into it but now it’s done. It won’t be as bad as you think, he should have her practice at home. I bought my neice a little fake bouquet and she would walk the hallways in her house for practice. She did AMAZING on the day of and just walked right down the aisle like all the adults. You’ll have the rehearsal too, so she might be more comfortable with it than you think.
Post # 15
We are only allowing our nieces and nephews to come to the wedding. Since his niece is the flower girl and my nephew is the ring bearer…it kind of works out nicely. That and his other niece and 3 nephews are old enough to behave themselves, but no other kids and frankly, not to be rude…I DON’T CARE if someone else has a problem with it. I won’t exclude our nieces and nephews because they’ve been a big part of this with us and a lot of it is family oriented, but the rest of my/his friends rowdy kids, no thanks. Most of their kids are 2 and under anyway, and I’d hope they have enough sense to get a sitter without me having to advise it.
I totally get you and I think you’re fine having her if you are ok with it. If not, you do have to decide what you are willing to put up with and how far you’re willing to push this. While she will remember nothing, your brother won’t forget anything. If you otherwise have a good relationship with your brother, I would let it drop (even though I TOTALLY agree you were bullied into this) but if you don’t have a close relationship/want to make a point/want to be bridezilla (that one is a joke, I hope you lol ) or you just want to stand up for what you want/believe in…fight it. But make it your decision and I do agree with your FH, he should step back and let you handle it. But of course his opinion is vital in all this too 🙂 I hope things work out for you…personally, I have no idea why people bring kids to weddings. I leave my 3 year old at home when we go out for weddings, what place does he have there?! But since he is IN mine…I will let him come lol 🙂
Post # 16
You weren’t just bullied, you were manipulated and I’m glad you’re going to address that with your brother, that’s not okay. When I was considering an adults-only wedding, I decided I would offer to find the Out of Town guests reliable babysitters in the area if they couldn’t arrange for a babysitter at home or worried that their kids were too young to be away from them for more than a day. I would offer this as a compromise for the guests that you REALLY want there, and for other guests who hear that his daughter is coming you can always say that she’s a flowergirl so she’s an exception and you’re very sorry that they won’t be able to come if they can’t get a sitter. If you wanted to be extremely accomodating, you could hire a few babysitters and set them up in a room with some toys and activities if your venue has a place for them; that is not at all required, but I have seen this at some weddings where couples wanted it to be an adult affair and had the extra money to provide the sitters.
I would gear up for comments from him on the wedding day about, “See, isn’t she cute?” or “See, this worked out perfectly!” That would be really annoying, but he doesn’t sound like he’s taking your feelings into account or being very mature, so I’d be prepared.