Post # 1
Hello bees! We are beginning the wedding planning and we have run into a few potential problems. First of all, I have a pretty set idea of how many people we can invite (roughly 125). So this is where the problem comes in. My FI’s family is extremely involved in their church (this is also the church we attend). My Fiance has gone there since he was about 12 and has gone there ever since. There are a handful of people from there that we truly want at our wedding. As for everyone else, I’d love if they came to the wedding, but I know we can’t afford for them to come to the reception (this could potentially be another 75 people). I know they will want us to have an open invite for everyone since his father is a deacon at the church yada yada. Second problem, FI’s family is EXTREMELY against alcohol. I mean, “you are a horrible sinner if you drink” type! Because of this, Fiance has never really said anything about him drinking- he just really doesn’t want to deal with them at this point considering we all live in the same small town. Anyways, we want to have alcohol at our wedding-not a ton- some beer, wine, and a few signature drinks. He could kind of care less if it was there, but basically everyone on my side drinks and I want to offer it for them. The subject has not come up with them about either of these issues but I have a feeling it is going to be an issue lol. In a way I want to just not have alcohol so that I don’t stir something up, but then again, I’m like, “Hey! This is my wedding! I should get what I want!” And btw, FI’s family is helping with NOTHING for the wedding. It is being paid for by us and my parents. Like I said, I know that having alcohol at our wedding as well as not inviting everyone from our church is going to be an issue. How would y’all deal with this? I want to have a calm conversation but I’m afraid I’ll blurt something out like “You have no say in this wedding considering you are paying for nothing.” I don’t want to upset them, but this is OUR wedding. And believe me, I know they will react negatively to all of this, so it’s not a possibility that everything will go over smoothly. Please offer me some helpful advice! I’ve been avoiding us having this conversation with them because I’m afraid I can’t keep my temper and feelings under control. :/
Post # 3
I thnk it’s actually fairly common for church ceremonies to be considered “public” events, so no problem just mentioning it around church and not inviting them to the reception as far as I’m concerned.
As for alcohol… you just have to decide whether it’s worth offending half your guest list. If you decide together that it’s a battle worth fighting, then your fiance should talk to his parents about it.
Post # 4
can you just not talk details with them to avoid headache? They don’t really need to know… I had alcohol but that and other details never came up with my in laws. How much ofthe 125 guest list do they get?. I wouldn’t want to say no pay, no say out loud to them, evenif I think it… What if they turn around and offer, you still wouldn’t want to give in.
Post # 5
@pinkshoes: I definitely wouldn’t say that, but it is what I’m thinking! haha. And they get probably 40% of the guest list, so it really is about even. And I’m thinking about just inviting church members to the wedding but how do I even do that? Do I send out special invitations to everyone but them! Just act hush hush about the reception? Everyone will be asking about it I’m sure…
Post # 6
For now, I would just not share your plans with them while they aren’t asking.
If they kick up a stink about either the alcohol or guest list, say it’s your wedding and this is how you’ve decided to do it. Present a united front but since it’s his family, your Fiance needs to be the main one to deal with any fall out.
They could choose to host a later (alcohol free) gathering for church folk if they think it’s important 🙂
Post # 7
@mountain.bride: bahaha! they could do that! and that it kind of what i am planning on doing- not mentioning it until much closer and then presenting it as “here is what we are doing.” i’d just hate to upset someone like his grandparents, but then again i guess i need to get used to not trying to please everyone all the time
Post # 8
@SapphireSun: okay i am happy to know that other people do that! but i’m just not sure how to tell people (especially the people that we talk to frequently at church but are not that close with) that the reception isn’t open to everyone?
Post # 9
Is the reason you can’t invite more the 125 for venue or for money reasons? If it is for venue reasons just say flat out “We can’t have more than x many people in the place for fear of getting shut down out of fire code” If it is for money reasons then I would bring it up to them as “We would love to have everyone included in our ceremony and reception but we really can only afford x many people at x per plate, for that reason we need you to help us choose x many people to come to the wedding from this side”
If they offer to pay then you might have to invite a few more, but maybe it is worth it at that point.
Is it possible to have punch and snacks after the ceremony at the church for everyone to wait through the gap and then those who are invited to the reception can go and those who were not still feel loved but well go home?
Post # 10
I wouldn’t even bother telling them unless they ask you straight, “Are you having alcohol at the wedding.” Then you say “Yes, beer, wine, and whatever.” If it starts any sort of lecture, I would smile, cut them off and say “Thank, I know how you feel.” Then walk away. Draw boundaries and be prepared to keep them.
Do the exact same thing with the guest list. *If* it comes up, I would just say “Well, of course a church ceremony is open, but we simply can’t afford to invite the whole congregation to the reception.” The end. You don’t even have to justify yourself that far, but it would probably be easiest. Honestly, even if someone in my church invited the whole congregation to a wedding – unless I got a legit paper invitation in the mail and was very close to the family, I would never consider going.
Post # 11
@hannahlily: I agree with the other bees… (and it sounds like you)
If you want some alcohol, then I would have some. Signature drinks are fun, and I’m sure if half the crowd isn’t drinking, the other part of the crowd who is will keep it under control. And who knows, may FI’s family will even have one drink to celebrate.
I also agree with the guest list comment. Normally the religious ceremony is open to all. It’s the celebrations that follow that are more exclusive. 🙂
If I were you, I would not bring either subject up unless it need to be (i.e. fiance’s family giving you addresses to send invites to the “ceremony only guests”) or direct questioning, “will you be having alcohol at the reception?”). If so, I would mention your statements from OP if you need reasoning.
I’m excited to hear how great the whole event turns out!! Good luck and congrats!!
Post # 12
@globalmargaret: We are doing it for money reasons mainly. Also, I don’t want a bunch of people there who just showed up to see how the wedding/reception turned out. We want it to be fairly intimate. And I have seriously considered the punch/snacks thing but we are having our reception and wedding very close together. There is basically enough time for us to take pictures and everyone to get to the reception. So one, we don’t really have time to hang out with everyone who is not going to the reception, and secondly, I’d hate for everyone who is going to the real reception to bail on that and make the others feel like second choice.