Post # 1
Okay, so, this is never really particularly a thing we WANT to think about, but it’s an interesting challenge. Arriving at a situation where a dear friend of mine was in an emotionally abusive relationship where she was being cheated on. I was asked what would I do in her situation?
You know. . . man, that really got me thinking. Now, we all trust our SOs. There is no doubt that if we didn’t, we wouldn’t be with them. . .duh. But I had a really, really hard time giving her advice because I never really thought about it. What WOULD you do? One thing is for sure, you cannot worry, panic, or think up of things that don’t actually exist, and just take situations in life as it comes. I think that whatever happens in life, I can conquer it and I will worry about it when/if it happens.
Have any of you ever thought about it or have been asked? What would you do? Would you seek counseling or move on with your life without them? I don’t think I could ever trust someone who broke my trust that deeply to begin with. I, for one, would have to move on alone. I just couldn’t!
Post # 2
LittlePumpkin: I would absolutely move on alone. I have a no tolerance policy!
It’s funny you posted this – DH and I just found out one of his friends has been online dating and cheating on his spouse with at least 6 different people. His spouse DIDNT kick him out (what?!) and now they’re going to try an “open relationship”. It all sounds nuts to me. I told DH if he ever did that, he would be leaving our house and still paying rent until I got things figured out.
Post # 3
I haven’t ever been in this situation, but my honest opion is that it’s really easy to say you would absolutely leave until you are actually in that situation. Because we never think OUR spouse would do that, and if they ever do, you want to believe it’s so not them that it must have been a fluke.
I also think that once you have been married a long time/have kids, etc “just walking out” becomes less and less of a realistic option, and you fight to make it work.
I don’t think it’s wrong to leave, and I don’t think it’s wrong to stay, I think there a million circumstances that can change one’s mind, and it really bugs me when people judge others for the choice they do make, because until you have been there you really don’t know.
Post # 4
LittlePumpkin: Find someone else after a time-out?
Ultimately, they are missing out and if they don’t realise that, then why go running after? They will have made a clear choice in their head to move on so it’s time the other person did so too.
Post # 5
weatherbug: Horrendous story. What it really means is they want a “gap filler” (in more ways than one) until the right person comes along, by which time they will be so used to this weird set-up that they don’t know what commitment is anymore. Such a shame.
Post # 6
Eh, it’s more complicated for me, because my FI and I are in an open relationship and cheating is a little less black and white. If he slept with someone without telling me first (and then told me afterword) I would just shrug it off. It’s no big deal and accidents happen. If I found out that he had been pursuing a romantic/emotional relationship with someone for awhile (longer than a few weeks) I would be pretty hurt. I’d need him to do counselling with me at the very least so that we could figure out why he hadn’t felt comfortable bringing the person into the relationship openly and why he felt like he had to hide it. I seriously doubt I’d leave unless the transgression was really extreme.
Post # 7
LittlePumpkin: One thing is for sure, you cannot worry, panic, or think up of things that don’t actually exist, and just take situations in life as it comes. <br />
I don’t think any of us have the right to say that to anyone. People are entitled to whatever feelings they have when they learn something so heartbreaking about their marriage.
A woman most likely would worry- worry about their realtionship, worry about possible STD’s , worry about how she would support her children if she left the marriage, worry about how she will ever sleep with him again, knowing he has been with someone else etc etc etc
Post # 8
DH and I talked about that before we got married. We both have a no tolerance policy and would much rather know up front that the other person wasn’t happy and wanted to split before dating someone else.
Post # 9
- Wedding: September 2015 - Bellagio, Las Vegas
First off, I would ask why and try to evaluate our relationship if he ever cheated. Then, I would arrange for counseling for both of us. However, if it happened more than once, I would leave.
As for him, I asked him what he would do if I cheated. He said he would leave; zero tolerance policy for him.
Post # 10
Well this happened to me. My ex husband had an affair and left me for another woman. I begged him to go to counseling for about 6 months and he refused. Our eight years of marriage and 3 year old daughter were not worth trying to salvage for him. So when i received the divorce papers I signed them. Sometimes decisions are made for you. Not everyone gets to decide if they will take someone back or not.
Post # 11
We both have agreed on a zero tolerance for cheating, but I feel that in any of the outlined situations I would need therapy. And depending on the situation I would probably have to move home to be with my family for support.
This probably puts me in a bad light, but I let so few people intimately into my life that losing one person is kind of like losing a support beam on a house. I mean I guess I would survive–after a time–but I feel like it would just be ‘survival’ for a long time before it could go back to living.
Post # 12
When we first started dating somehow a question like this came up. We both very quickly agreed that if either of us walked in on the other person cheating then the whole thing ends in a double murder suicide. We found this resolution to be fair and satisfactory. It was strangely comforting.
Post # 13
Well, I went through that with my ex-husband. Just gave away how it turned out right there. I left, stayed with my family for about a month and went back because I wasn’t ready to be “done.” We went to counseling, tried to work through it for almost 3 years after. I could never move past what he did, but there were many other negative factors involved as well. But I did want to be able to say I tried my hardest and did everything I could to work it out. No guilt. Ultimately, all you can do for your friend is offer support, no advice unless she asks, just support. She asked what you would do because she is conflicted and looking for someone to tell her what to do, and nobody can make that decision but her. Only the person in the relationship can decide how to move forward. It is so hard and I am sorry for your friend.
I can honestly say that if my FI and I went through it, I would leave and not look back. Been there, it isn’t worth the heartache to carry on if you know you are the type of person who won’t be able to let something like that go. Your mind doesn’t change in the long run, no matter how much you love them.
Post # 14
When we were dating, DH and I agreed there would be no forgiveness in this type of a situation. Then after being together for a few years, he changed his mind a bit. He says he would not want to assume that he would walk away from marriage so quickly. I just don’t know if I could ever get over it. The thought alone is pure madness… If I thought that I could never let it go and trust again, I would have to leave.
Post # 15
Dump his ass and use the wedding fund to go somewhere awesome