Post # 1
…did this to you? (read below)
I know I have posted a TON about my FMIL, so please don’t jump down my throat. If you are giong to be mean, feel free to NOT leave a comment. I will also reiterate that my concern is mainly for my FI. I feel bad for him that his mom can be such a snatch.. to both of us. She’s making this wedding the opposite of special for him.
She bought us our plane tickets for the honeymoon. Totally unexpected and we are SO grateful of her. But when she bought them, she did on the condition that “neither her or her husband (FI’s dad) have to say anything at the wedding. No speeches, and no talking to any of Heather’s (me) parent’s friends that they don’t like.”
Those were the conditions that they gave us. Is that abnormal for the groom’s parents to not say a word during the speeches at the wedding? Just kinda hurt my feelings. I feel like the wedding speeches are about their son and blessing and encouraging him on his wedding night, not about them and how comfortable they are!
Post # 3
not knowing the history of your FMIL or OP, if it was me i would be telling them i agree, do not speak to my parents/their friends or give a speech at your own sons wedding and you can have your tickets back because we dont want them but thank you for the offer
Post # 4
honestly, i don’t think this is a big deal. the groom’s parents don’t have to give speeches, and a lot of people are very uncomfortable with public speaking. maybe they’ll give him or both of you a private pep talk at some point during the day and just don’t feel comfortable saying it publicly. they obviously support you if they’re giving such generous presents.
the second part was weird and didn’t need to be said, but people tend to stick with who they know at weddings anyway. i’m guessing they have friends and family on your guest list that they don’t get to see too often, so they’ll stick by them throughout the wedding rather than try to make friends with your parents’ friends. that being said, they should of course be civil to everyone there.
Post # 5
@heatherrobyn: I TOTALLY understand your furstration and maybe even being a little hurt about this. on that note. MY PARENTS…as in the BRIDES parents, did not say anything at my wedding.
I was hurt, if not crushed by this. But they were not comfortable speaking infront of so many people and doing a speech. and if thats the case with you FI parents, then its best to leave it alone. I fought it for awhile with the whole “just swallow your pride and do this FOR ME on my ONE DAY” speech but to no avail, and if anything it just made them feel bad.
My sister ended up doing a welcome to the family speech to my DH on behalf of my parents, is there someone special on you FI side who could speak on behalf of his parents?
Post # 6
It might be just in my area, but I’ve never seen a parent give a toast or a speech at a wedding. That’s usually the job of the best man and, occassionally, the maid of honour will also give a toast.
Remember, you can’t force people to socialize. You can put them in the same room but you can’t make them talk. They are going to come off looking very rude if they walk away from people who they don’t want to talk to when they’re approached by them.
I wouldn’t sweat it. You never know … they might eventually change their minds!
Post # 7
Grooms parents will not be speaking at my wedding, not from spite or anger but b/c they will be doing their speech at the RD. Thats just traditinoally what we’re all used to.
I think its ignorant that she said that thought, if my FMIL had said something like that to me I probably would have smiled and said, “good b/c I didn’t want you too”
Post # 8
I don’t get along with my MIL and plus, my parents have been “black listed” from giving speeches, so we actually didn’t have any parents give a speech.
I don’t know your exact reasons why your FMIL don’t want to give a speech but you can’t really force them to do a speech. You could tell them you are feel hurt by it but if it makes them uncomfortable to stand in front of everyone, they shouldn’t have to.
Post # 9
I dont think its a huge deal either. Both FI and my parents are the same way. They made it very clear to us that they did not want to be introduced (with the bridal party in the reception) and they didn’t want to make any speeches. (though I convinced them to do it at the Rehearsal Party).
But, no … it is not okay to do it as an ultimatum. THAT is definitely not right. But, to be honest, it doesn’t matter. This is the way they are and there isn’t anything that you both can do to change it. So … next solution?
Do everything you can to make decision to avoid confrontations like that. You ever had that friend that you knew you cant say anything to because they have a big mouth? Well, now you have some family that you know not to share your best wishes with because they wont help with the support. 🙂
Good luck honey, I know exactly how you feel.
Post # 10
@heatherrobyn: PS, you’re getting married on my birthday!!! 🙂 Congrats!
Post # 11
it’s def a weird condition and given that you have other issues, i can see how it seems rude….but, i’ve been to a lot of weddings where the only parent to give a toast is the bride’s father. i wouldn’t think it was weird if i was a guest
Post # 12
Ouch. I’m sorry but obviously that hurts. But whatever, screw them. Clearly they are weird/different. Just don’t let it get to you or bring you down. It was very nice of them to buy the tickets. Appreciate the gesture and understand that some people are just socially awkward.
Post # 13
I’ve never been to a wedding where the parents gave a speech. In my area, parents speeches are done at the rehearsal dinner if at all (both of our dads will be making a speech at our rehearsal). The fact that they dont want to give a speech at the wedding isn’t really a big deal to me since thats the norm around here anyway. Have your parents friends done something to these people to warrant their refusal to talk to them?
Post # 14
@UpstateCait: it’s interesting to me that in so many people’s circles, speeches aren’t given by the parents at the weddings! They always have at the weddings I’ve been to! Oh well. 🙂
Neither my parents nor my parent’s friends have really done anything to warrant FI’s parents disdain…it’s just that my parents are pastors and FI’s family calls them “crazy religious fanatics.”
Post # 15
There were no parent speeches at either our rehearsal dinner or the wedding and it didn’t matter to me at all. I would say thanks for the tickets and let it be.
Post # 16
Usually the father of the bride gives a speech, not the grooms parents. If the father of the bride doesnt want to speak a family friend or uncle gives the speech (traditionally). At my wedding neither my parents nor my groom’s parents will give a speach. They dont like public speaking.