What would you do if your parents are not accepting your husband?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - SPRING VALLEY COUNTRY CLUB

Ok, Me personally I would stand by my husband. While I don’t agree with your father’s methods I can understand where he is coming from. You are his baby girl, wether you are grown or not. That is what you’ll always be. So your father who cleary loves you and only wanted the best for you watched you struggle. That probably doesn’t sit well with him. For most older men they look at husdbands as providers, and from what your father saw, your FI wasn’t providing for you. And that’s all he probably can see. Here is this man who loves my daughter, but he didn’t take care of her when she needed it most. Also you’re elpoing, your father may have some feelings behind that move as well.

I don’t know what other issues your father may have had with your FI. Give your father some time. Your father loves you and because of the love he has for you he will make an effort. It’s not going to be over night, but he will come around.

Post # 4
Member
671 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I would stand by my husband. Parents should know and expect that. Maybe your FI could meet your dad somewhere so they could talk but I would initiate it though. Call your dad and say if he can’t settle his issues with your FI you have no other choice but to be estranged fron him. If he refuses stick to your guns. Stand by your husband

Post # 5
Member
20 posts
Newbee

Has your dad never struggled in his life? That must be nice. Otherwise, I’d be reminding him that life has ups and downs, you two have been thru a tough time and survived, that gives you a pretty good foundation for life. Tell your dad you’re sorry he feels this way, and he knows where to find you when he changes his mind.

Best of luck for Saturday! 

Post # 6
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I think you’ve done a very admirable job handling the situation so far – so let’s just start there and say “Kudos!” 🙂

You’re totally right, your new husband will be your most important family. From what you’ve told us, I think your dad is totally in the wrong, and has a terribly outdated opinion. a) it’s not the 1950s, men shouldn’t be expected to “support” their significant others and b) you weren’t even married at the time! I’m tempted to say that your dad is upset about something else and is finding your fiance a convenient outlet.

Keep going the way you’re going – support your fiance, reiterate to your dad that if he chooses to continue along his current line of behavior, he’s going to be left out of your new family, and BE HAPPY.

Congratulations.

Post # 7
Member
906 posts
Busy bee

That’s a tough one. In my philiopshy if I had a bf and or married and my parents didn’t accept my future SO then I would try and keep them seperate depending on the circumstance because in most cases of this occurance I’ll always have a relationship with both of my parents. They raised me, helped me through think and thin and helped me through my dissiblity. With that being said I also wouldn’t let my parents exclude my future SO/fi/dh  from family functions but they can keep their distance and I wouldnt let them bad mouth my future SO either. 

In your case I would still have your relationship with your dad and keep it seperate from fi for now but when you guys decide to have kids or when you do get pregnant, I would then revisit the relationship with your dad and set rules and boundaries. But for now keep your fi and your dad seperate. Set some basic rules such as don’t allow your dad to bad mouth your fi and make sure your dad invites your fi during family and holiday functions cause in those cases you guys are a package deal. I agree that family relationships should be joint but knowing what parents tend to do for their kids and have raised them I tend to make them an exception to have relationships with them outside your marriage and relationship but with boundaries. 

Post # 8
Member
415 posts
Helper bee

My mother also does not like my FI bc he also is not a provider and she thinks I’m.going to have a hard life supporting myself. However, she only says those things to me and is courteous to FI’s face. Stand by your man. He is your family now.

Post # 9
Member
6030 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

The best thing you can do is prove them wrong. Obviously in a polite and civil manner! But from reading your earlier posts, I’ve got to say I can see where their concern comes from, even if I don’t agree with how your dad is expressing it. From your parents’ perspective, your now-husband “allowed” you to live in very difficult and potentially unsafe circumstances. You made it through just fine but their impression is what it is. The proof is in the pudding, as they say. Live your life. Be healthy and happy and productive. When you’re tempted to say “I told you so,” bite your tongue and change the subject. They’ll come around in time. But they need time. They didn’t form these opinions overnight and it will take a few years of happy marriage to win their approval.

Post # 10
Member
906 posts
Busy bee

JazzyGirl85:  I agree with you on your statement.  that as long as the parents are pleasant to eachother when they are around eachother then I think it’s ok to have a relationship with a parent outside the relationship/marriage. 

Post # 11
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Silly_love:  If my parent’s objection to my FI/husband was utterly ridiculous, I would tell them so and make it clear I would not tolerate any nonsense.  I would not coddle their position by continuing to have a relationship with them because that would be condoning their treatment of my spouse.

Unless there are some pretty significant parts of the story you’re leaving out, then your father is being absurd.  It wasn’t your FI’s  obligation to financially support you at all and it was lovely of him to do as much as he did.  If your Dad felt so strongly that you needed help, why didn’t he step in and save your car?  How hypocritical!

If this is really the entirety of his issue – you need to set him straight and cut him out until he comes correct.

Post # 12
Member
278 posts
Helper bee

Me and my boyfriend have a similar situation. My parents didn’t like that I met a guy from another country, but I suspect it also comes down to some wierd old fashioned idea of class. They demanded that I would tell them everything we talked about, and I told them they will have to accept that I’m an adult and there are things that aren’t meant to be shared. they are really old fashioned: you will respect your parents and we want full control of your life. They told me if I didn’t tell them of our conversations then I could get out. So I left, I moved country and have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. We have struggled with money too, he just doesn’t seem to get a break and is refused every job he applies for. I was a sole provider for a while but ended up working too hard (mean company, I’m suing them for discrimination) and I had to go off on sick leave. My parents are constantly putting pressure on: when are you going back to work? Why doesn’t he have a job yet? It doesn’t help that they were telling me in the beginning that they “worried” he’s after my money because he’s working class. Not that we are both equally skint and consider ourselves equals… I don’t marry for money and safety, I want to marry the man I love and I strongly believe our hard work and determination will pay off. Surely, if you go through hardship you can only get stronger? Love doesn’t come from comfort, it comes from want and effort. That is my strong opinion. I know my parents are more accepting of him now, but they are still stabbing at us. I will always choose my love over my parents old fashioned bullshit. I think it comes down to compromise, if your parents can hold off on being rude to your FI, maybe you can be closer to them. Agree to simply keep the peace for the sake of your children and your relationship with your family?

Post # 15
Member
278 posts
Helper bee

Silly_love:  I know how that feels, when you find yourself arguing with the person you love. We got into that situation also through health- and economy issues and both had simply grown so mentally tired and scared we simply started bickering between ourselves. When we realised what we were doing we had to make that active decision to “simply” change our cognetive thinking when getting overwhelmed with situations. Like, it’s okey to say, “We are not being constructive now, we need 10 minutes to collect.” and then get back to each other and solve the situation calmly. I really feel this strategy helped and we are way better at communicating. I guess people are right in saying communication is the key to a good relationship. 🙂 Well done at sticking by each other, you seem very strong in your relationship and I am sure you will solve this situation too! 😀

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