Post # 1
I’ve read a lot of posts about bees having crushes on others besides their SOs. What if your SO had a crush but didn’t know that you knew? Would you let it run its course and fizzle out? What would make you believe it was turning into something else?
I had 2 incidents w/my exH. Both times he talked about them all the time so I figured it was a crush.
One girl he’d met at a concert he attended w/a guy friend but I later found out he was calling her and planning to meet up with her aka driving to her college an hour away (he was 32 at the time.) I only knew b/c I saw the cell phone bill and there were multiple calls to her area code. I pretty much “caught” him accidently before he could pursue it further…or at least that’s what he said. We had lots of counseling on that one.
Another (years later) was his married coworker that we were friends with. They worked together for years but then he started talking about her more and more. We eventually moved away and one day, he mentioned her. I asked if he ever had a crush on her and he said “how’d you know?” I said it was the how every convo we had about his work involved her…but none of his other 40 coworkers.
What would you consider the line between “just a crush” and “emotional cheating?”
Post # 3
If it begins to affect our relationship negatively, then its too much. Not sure I want to cross the line into emotional cheating yet (depends on details), but definately something is wrong.
As of yet I can not think of anything innappropriate DH has said (even bringing up a particular person too often) that has led me to believe he has had a crush. Doesnt mean he hasnt, but I have never suspected anything in the slightest. I cant even get him to talk about his subordinates of which 3 of the 4 are girls. Never mind him bringing them up in conversation.
I would hope, as I believe he would, that he would be smart enough and mature enough to keep it quiet and work on eliminating that crush.
Post # 5
I think it depends how it affects the relationship. I think it’s normal to have a little crush on someone. I think DH has a little crush on a woman at work who is very much into a few things that he is and she’s a cute girl. If he does nothing about it and it doesn’t ruin his feelings for me, I don’t see much harm.
Post # 6
That story about the college girl is really skeevy! Did you ever see “The Last Kiss”? Skeevy.
The co-worker isn’t quite as bad, but I would lose my mind if DH had a crush on another girl (except Jessica Alba. But Jessica Alba is, sorry DH, out of his league!)
Post # 7
@texasbee: Hmm, freak out? I know the logical thing would be to let it go unless it was damaging the relationship, but I’m crazy jealous like that. It just wouldn’t work. I personally would rather be alone than not be enough for my partner. Obviously, most normal people see little crushes as natural, but my husband and I are just weird like that I guess; we are only into each other. I do get the occasional girl crush, but it’s never a sexual attraction, more of an infatuation.
Post # 8
My FI and I are both attracted to women, so we talk about girls we think are hot all the time. However, I have had a crush or two here and there and, recognizing it as such, knew it would go away and kept that information to myself. If he told me he had a crush on someone else, I would wonder about his motivation for telling me more than anything. I would think he was purposely trying to make me jealous… because if he knows it’s just a crush, why bring it to my attention at all? blah, I don’t know.
Post # 9
@texasbee: I guess a crush is a red flag. So if I noticed that, I would want to tackle it PRONTO. Not sure what I’d do… definitely confront FI. He and I are very upfront and honest with each other so it wouldn’t be easy but I could definitely talk to him about it.
Post # 10
@housebee: Yeah I’m with you there. I realize some people are okay with it, and that’s fine, but for me it’s NOT COOL. And FI and I definitely agree about it.
Post # 11
If it’s on someone other than a celebrity (which we both have celebrity crushes, I am to the point where I can mostly tease him about them but sometimes I am weird about them still… working on it) than I say no. We have both admitted to seeing someone of the opposite sex and thinking they’re attractive, but just as a passing thought.
Post # 12
Celebrities only. He’s a little more sensitive when we’re watching sports and I comment on the hotness of the players because my “big ex” is a professional athlete with whom we’ve had some drama so I think in the back of his mind he wonders how much in the scene I was, if I know them, etc. If he had a crush in real life, at his work…I’d be annoyed and it sounds weak but I wouldn’t want to know because I’d harp on and obsess over it…I would trust him not to do anything to jeopardize our relationship but I would wonder what he was thinking about her, if the crush was manifesting into subconscious action ie talking to her more often, hanging out with her at work, etc etc. It would be too much. Gettin mad thinkin’ about it haha.
Post # 13
Crushes are not emotional cheating until they begin to impact the relationship in a negative way or they begin persuing said crush and trying to nurture the feelings/relationship.
You literally cannot help having crushes. You have no control over it, it is a purely chemical reaction to someone you work well with. They happen out of the blue, they cannot be stopped nor can they be helped. What you can do is not humor it.
I wouldn’t be too upset if my husband had a crush provided he didn’t take it anywhere. It isn’t his fault he’s crushing. It would be his fault if he actually took it anywhere. Until then, it isn’t emotional cheating, it’s simply chemical.
Post # 14
@katieandtheo: +1. The idea that your mate will never, ever, ever find someone else that they are attracted to whether phsyically or mentally, is silly. Or that something is horribly wrong if it does. It happens. It’s natural. If they cultivate that crush, then yeah that becomes the problem, but the crush in and of itself is harmless. I couldn’t care less. He knows what side his bread is buttered. But we ocassionally casually mention people we find attractive. But I’m sure he hasn’t mentioned every single person, and I know I certainly haven’t.
Post # 15
While I wouldn’t be thrilled about it, I also wouldn’t say or do anything unless it started impacting our relationship. I’ve had little crushes on other guys since FI and I have been together and I’m sure that he’s had a couple as well, but we don’t talk about it with each other and nothing has got out of hand.
Post # 16
I honestly believe that there are steps that people can unknowingly take on the path to having a relationship with someone other then your SO. Thinking that someone is attractive is one thing but if you find yourself anticipating seeing the other person or grooming yourself more when you know they are going to be around… Trouble. Even if he doesnt intend to cheat physically, he should be putting his A game with you at home. You should be the one that he wants to impress/ spend time with/ romance.
Lots of love!