(Closed) What would you do if your SO was hiding friendships from you?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: What would you do if your SO was hiding friendships from you?
    Break up/Divorce : (5 votes)
    17 %
    Nothing : (1 votes)
    3 %
    Other : (24 votes)
    80 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    3788 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    The reply column is well done. I think that it does sound pretty innocent since he had both male and female friends, but the whole point is that he lied to her. Granted, I think she sounds a little uptight if she would get upset with him for having penpals?! I think they should do couples counselling. Personally, that’s what I would do. I wouldn’t break up over it unless it came out that there was more to the deception. My biggest reaction was who on earth would call to scold the wife for a husband’s (potential) infidelity? That is so ass-backwards.

    Post # 4
    Member
    2209 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    First, my FH does not need to tell me everything. I don’t need to know who all of his acquaintances are, I don’t need to know who he had lunch with at work, I don’t need to know who he is swapping fishing information with.

    But, it would be weird if he were actively hiding friends from me. Why? What was that about?

    My guess is that we would need to do a lot of unpacking on this, to figure out what motivated him to have secret friends on the internet (kind of sad). If we were successful in working through it, I could totally forgive.

    With this guy, my guess is that the thrill of hiding friends was what was really behind it. I bet he craves having a secret.

    Post # 5
    Member
    529 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2009

    Based on the letter, it kind of sounds like the guy’s wife might be the jealous/over-protection kind?  I mean, why would you care if your husband had on-line friends or not?  My husband plays video games on-line and through them, he has made a few on-line friends, though he’s never had phone-calls with these people.  But I don’t care and I don’t know why I would care.  Unless he’s flirting with women, but that’s a whole different thing.

    I also find it suspicious that someone called up his house to scold his wife.  Who does that?  And what was the guy doing on-line that made someone think he was seeking to date people?  That is just strange and I suspect he’s not telling the whole story.  People don’t usually just jump to conclusions and then make phone calls to strangers about it.

    If my husband was hiding friendships from me, I would definitely be concerned for our marriage, since there absolutely no reason for him to do so, and I’d have to assume he’d only keep such things from me because it’s more than just a friendship.  I think it’s one thing to not really know about all your SO’s friends because it doesn’t come up with conversation (like who my husband has lunch with, etc) and another thing altogether for your SO to actively hide it from you.

    I doubt we’d get divorced, but I might have us seek counselling because there’s obviously some underlying issue if he was keeping friendships a secret from me.

    Post # 6
    Member
    1545 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    I THINK I WOULD BE MAD AND TRUST WOULD BE AN ISSUE THERE BUT LIKE MY FI’S SAYS IF THERE ISNT 100% TRUST BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE THAN IT CANT WORK OUT.

    Post # 8
    Member
    2008 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2009

    I voted other.  That’s nowhere near something that deserves divorce in my opinion but I would definitely talk to him about why he hid them from me.  Especially since I’m not one to care if he has female friends. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    6664 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2010

    Wow. This guy is totally nutz. Having secret ‘pen pals’ on the internet is just as bad as picking someone up at a bar. It would be a really big deal in our relationship if either one of us was doing smething like this.

    Post # 10
    Member
    988 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    I did’t read the story but I have had an awful experience with FI hiding a friendship from me ( waaasy back when we were 18!) “that was innocent” and I was seriously the most trusting person EVER until it all came back and bit me in the butt and that innocent friendship turned platonic that turned into the biggest heartache of my life. We were able to move on but trust was such a HUGE issue I mean it was horrible to the point where I had to go through his phone records. Seriously 5 years later we were still having arguments about until recently I sat down with him and told him all my fears and he explained everything again and I was able to get past it. I am seriously 100% over it and I never thought it would happen. Let me just say that if FI were to do this NOW 5 years into our relationship I would literellay never talk to him again.

    Post # 11
    Member
    1426 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 1969

    Yikes.  Something is odd there, that’s for sure.  But divorce and do nothing are two pretty extreme options.  Maybe talking about it, seeking counseling if it was a big issue, really any host of in-between options would be way better than just calling it quits or not doing anything about a spouses’ lies.

    Post # 12
    Member
    2704 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    my instinct is to say i’d leave him.

    counseling wouldn’t do it for me; i don’t think i could ever repair myself or us from that kind of broken trust. even if the issue was cheating, it’s not the cheating part i couldn’t make sense of, it’s the issue of lying, the broken trust!

    i’ve always been that way with friends too. i give you 100% of my trust once you’ve earned it, but the minute you break it; it’s never going to be the same again.

    and i just couldn’t do it with my hubby.

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