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Let me preface this by saying that I know what the "proper" thing to do is. I don't need to be reminded. I just want to hear what you, personally, would do in this situation.
I will try to make this as short as possible. FH has been friends with "A" for about a decade. "A" and "B" had been together for 7 years before they got married. 3 months into the marriage, they got divorced. Everyone was shocked.
Turns out, "A" had been cheating with an intern at work ONE MONTH BEFORE THE WEDDING, up until the wedding, and all throughout the marriage.
A & B were always our "go to" couple for fun nights and hanging out. We were close to both of them, and we were both in the wedding.
Fast forward and our wedding is approaching. Invitations are going out soon. A and FH had lost touch and have been trying to 'rekindle' their friendship. For my FH, I agreed to be civil with A and his little 'plaything'. The start of this was accepting a friend request on FB. A couple of days after this, she had the nerve to post on her wall "It's like meeting the man of your dreams... and then meeting his beautiful his wife :)", which she then "liked" herself.
I freaked out. I told FH that, because A has been a friend for a long time, I can't stop A from coming to the wedding, but I forbid the girl from being invited or showing up.
They have been together over a year (counting 4 months of cheating), but I don't care. I don't feel like someone who is proud of sleeping with married men deserves the pleasure of witnessing the beginning of a marriage. To add to it, this isn't some random girl, this is a girl who bragged about sleeping with my friend's husband.
WHat would you do in this situation and why?
I should add that we are allowing our technically single (ie not married) adult friends to bring guests, so it will be obvious that this girlfriend was not invited for a reason.
I would invite A+guest. He's been in a relationship with her for a year and regardless how it happened, its still what you should do.
He does sound like a scum bag though.
B is still your friend, right? Is she coming to the wedding? Friends of mine went through something similar and the groom had to go to the guy (cheater) and basically disinvite him because his ex was a bridesmaid. The cheater understood and the guys eventually became friends again. I think if B is coming to the wedding, A should not be invited - and even if you do decide to invite him, the gf should absolutely NOT be invited. This isn't a normal situation. If the A isn't total scum, he should understand.
I just don't know if you can invite him without his floozie girlfriend? Obviously the girl has no moral compass, but neither does 'A' if he cheated before and during the marriage. If you're trying to reconnect, I guess what the "proper" thing to do would be to accept him as he is... as much as it makes your cringe.
Ugh... I would feel stuck. Are you inviting 'B'? The ex-wife? Or have you guys lost touch with her? Because that could definitely cause some drama... and I would completely avoid inviting said floozie if she was coming.
If I were you, she wouldn't be coming to my wedding. "I don't feel like someone who is proud of sleeping with married men deserves the pleasure of witnessing the beginning of a marriage." <-- This I agree with 100% and would be my reasoning all the way!
To keep the piece I would just let him bring her, but probably just avoid them during the wedding. Which shouldn't be that hard to do because you'll have a thousand other people to talk to. I was in a very similar situation x2. I had two separate cousins whose spouses cheated on them and put them through hell this year, and in both situations they continue to "work on things" and I was told I needed to invite them to the wedding. I actually tried not to with my shower but there was drama and it just wasn't worth it. I hated that people who care so little about the sanctity of marriage were on our guest list but ultimately it wasn't a battle I wanted to wage. On the day of I said a polite hello and moved on with my day as though they didn't exist.
I am usually against this but this is where inviting the guy with no +1 is in order.
Although, he is just as much of a turd as she is imo.
The best man in my wedding is the cheater except he called off his wedding 3 months beforehand. I tried to raise the issue of not letting HER come to the wedding but I was just making myself look stupid. It's an unpleasant situation but since we gave everyone else a plus one I couldn't not give him one. She'll be there but I WON'T be giving her a second thought.
What a rough situation for you! If I were you, I'd invite A, but let him know that right now you can't let him bring "plaything" because they are not married and you're concerned it would make B feel too uncomfortable. Maybe he'll decide to not even come to the wedding, and then problem solved! But really, you have every right to tell him he can't bring this woman.
I don't see how A is any better than his new squeeze. He cheated on his wife. If you're going to see past his errors and try and be his friend, I think you should invite both of them since they are a couple.
Frankly though, I wouldn't invite either of them. You've apparently "lost touch" anyway, so why bother? Especially if B is coming, I wouldn't want that kind of potential drama at my wedding.
oo.. this is very hard.. I would invite both of them but understand if one of both of them chose to not come. Is she a BM or just a guest?
How good of friends were you with B? Will she be invited to the wedding?
I would be tempted not to invite A or that woman he was cheating on B with. I think there is just as much reason, if not more, to be angry and repulsed by A's behavior than with the new woman's.
I would invite her but possibly ignore her or, if unable to do that, be VERY cool with her. And seat them at the worst table EVER!! I would also toy with the idea, though probably not actually go through with, writing her name on her escort card as "Grotsky Biatch."
@vanilla frosting: I am inviting B, but I don't think she will come. I told her straight up that A was getting an invite because he was one of FH's oldest friends. Trust me, I do not want A there either, and I realize he is even more guilty than the girlfriend. I just don't feel right trying to dictate FH's friendships. That is why I'm trying to compromise and invite A, but leave the girlfriend out of it. I know technically it is "rude", but honeslty I don't really care :-/ I know that sounds bad, and I am not the type of person who wants to dismiss anyone's feelings because it's "my day". But this situation feels different to me.
@CorgiTales: Wow that must have been difficult. Was it stressful also? I'm the type who tends to hold grudges (clearly), and I am also very emotional. I feel like I would be angry every time I saw the girl, and I don't want those emotions on my wedding day. Our venue is also relatively "cozy", and we're having a pretty small wedding with 85 people. Maybe I'm being overdramatic, but I feel like it would be impossible to avoid them.
Since there's a decade behind their friendship, if they are rekindling, I would invite A only. You already established unmarried friends were not extended an invite for a guest, so its not like you're complely singling her out. Yes to the friendship, (even scumbags in their relationships are human and can still be a good friend to your FI)
@DeathByDesign: I agree with you. The problem is that *I* personally have no interest in being his friend. He is one of my FH's oldest friends, however, and I feel that I would be crossing a line I don't want to cross if I were to say, "No, your friend can't come." I'm trying to compromise by inviting FH's friend, but leaving the girl out of it.
It's a personal situation though so I understand that we might all respond in different ways. It is interesting to hear everyone's different opinions. Many of you are much better people than I am, though. I readily admit that forgiveness is not my #1 trait.
I would invite both of them. If you are allowing everyone else a guest, "A" gets one too.
And honestly, "A" is way worse, IMO than this girl he wants to bring. HE is the one who broke the vows of his marriage. From what you've stated, this girl might not have even known that he was married until the marriage ended (because obviously she knows now but might not have at the time).
I'd be tempted to not invite either of them but it seems that your FI wants to include "A" and if that's the case, "A" should get a guest like everyone else.
Trust me, I'm stuck in a situation like this where my SO is best friends with a guy who cheated.. and now I have to see them face to face shortly. I would be ticked at your FH for even being friends with this guy. I am still not liking FI for that. I would just invite B and not invite A.
@Sunshining: I know its hard but how would you feel if the situation where reversed and your oldest and dearest friend had cheated?
@DeathByDesign: Agree. I wouldn't invite A, irrespective of his plus one. His new GF may have made some questionable judgement calls, but he actively cheated on his wife. His is the worse act by far, IMO.
Rereading, I'm also a bit confused as to why this is an issue at all. Your FH isn't currently close with A, so why does it matter whether or not he's invited to begin with?
@Mrs.KMM: I see your point about singling her out, which is what I know will happen. That's why I'm nervous about my "plan". She did know that he was married, though. A's coworkers were invited and attended the wedding. The whole office knew.
@MrsPinkPeony: I would never tell my FH not to be friends with A, so I'm not sure what you're getting at? Are you suggesting that not inviting B would destroy the friendship? Ugh, another thing I hadn't considered.
Maybe it would be more acceptable if I told A that I'm sorry, he cannot bring his girlfriend because B has also been invited and I want it to be as civil and painless as possible?
I wouldn't invite her then. I'd tell A that B might be coming and it would be too awkward. Honestly, I wouldn't even judge this woman that much if it weren't for that fact that she flaunted it on facebook. I don't care if it isn't proper or if it's catty, I wouldn't want her there. And I'd dare A or FH to act pissy about it. Watch out hehe
You said FH and this friend is not really in touch so why even bother sending the invite? What is there left to rekindle in this relationship with him? It was over long ago. Leave it be. Find 'better' friends.
@Ahone: FH said it is fine if I don't invite the girlfriend. At first, I felt like you, and my gut reaction was to forbid FH from staying friends with A! But that's silly, and although a monumental and classless move, A's mistake cannot erase a decade of friendship just like that. Like others have said, even if the guy doesn't have a respectable private life, he can still be a good friend.
I know that none of my friends are perfect, and there are things they have done that I don't agree with, but I don't think being there for them automatically reflects their poor decisions on to me.
I get your point 100%, but try to understand that your SO has ever capability to separate the friendship from his friend's poor decision. They can be completely independent things.
So I don't always agree with everything my friends and family do but that doesn't mean I disown them. I can understand if it's an old friendship why your FI would want to still invite A. But that doesn't mean you have to approve of his assholeness. There is no way that little miss thing would get an invite, and I wouldn't care if she was singled out, she's no ones oldest friend there and who wants that relationship that hurt one of your dear friends paraded in front of you on your wedding day. That would be very disrespectful to B, who even though she might not come is still on the invite list and in my opinion her feelings have way more priority than A or little miss thing.
@Sunshining: I think that talking to A about wanting things to be civil and respectful since you're inviting B is a good course of action. If he is that heartless, and insists on bringing the woman who he cheated with, fully knowing that his ex-wife will be there, well....then I would consider cutting him out of your lives. I just hope he is mature enough to realize that this day is not about him and his, um other woman, and respect your wishes. Have you talked to FI about this? Maybe he could talk to A and explain your wishes.
I would invite A since it doesn't seem like there is a way around it but I would not invite that girl. You don't know her, you have never met her, they are not engaged and A knows enough people so it doesn't feel too lonely... If he insists then your SO can talk to him to make him understand that he has been insensitive enough and that if he wants to work on their friendship, then A should understand that you don't want to be reminded of bad memories on your own wedding day. If he can't understand that, he is always free to not show up.
@Sunshining: What I meant is you should just try to look at it from another angle. How would you feel if one of your really really good friends cheated and then started dating someone else? Thats the question my FH posed to me because I was pissy about his best man and then the girlfriend. Say my bestie cheated and ended her marriage, to be honest I'd be mad at her and tell her and say what she did was bad but I wouldn't stop being her friend and whats more I would probably be really happy if she started dating someone new and was happy. Does that make sense?
I would invite A & B but not A minus. After being a low down cheating dog, I think he can manage a day without A Minus. A is the one in the wrong here, so B shouldn't be made to suffer. Besides, there are other places to rekindle friendships besides your wedding. It's not like A will have a lot of one on one time with your FI at the wedding anyway.
I'd probably consider not inviting both A or B. Too much drama, to be honest!
I would NOT invite A's new girlfriend. It may be "rude" but I consider this to be one of the consequences she has to deal with because of her actions. People shouldn't get away with something like that and then be treated with the same respect as others. She was completely disrespectful and does not deserve to have her feelings taking into considering in a situation like this.
If A is really that offended he doesn't have to attend the wedding.
I would invite both A & B.
If B rsvps saying that she is coming, with a date.. then I would leave it alone.
If B rsvps as coming alone, I would let A know that in order to keep the peace, and avoid any unnecessary drama at your wedding, you ask that he not bring the homewrecker.
It may not be polite, it may not be the right thing to do etiquette wise, but that's what I would do.
She may say no just to avoid the whole thing anyway, and then you won't have to worry about it.
The very very very last thing you need is for a girl fight to break out mid-reception!!!
@thefuturemrsrowe: Haha, you're completely right! While it would be memorable, that's not the kind of memory I'm going for, lol. I'm very emotional about the whole thing too (my mom was cheated on by dad and my step dad -- cheating makes me sick to my stomach), so I worry that I would get involved too just to defend B and married women in general!
Thanks everyone for your input!
@Sunshining: You getting involved would definitely be YouTube worthy! :)
I say screw etiquette in this situation! What a dirt bag! I would invite him only if your FH insists and I would definately not invite her! I think you need to stand by your friend in this situation! This 'girl' obviously does not respect marriage so I don't think you should be forced into inviting her to your wedding. Maybe talk to your friend and see if it would bother her. I am not sure how long ago this happened and maybe she has moved on from it, but I think if you don't want her there then you definately do not have to invite her!
Yes, invite him and his girlfriend.' A' was in the wrong, not his girlfriend- HE was the one who was married and had a comitment, not her. I don't see the issue with inviting her, I would think that inviting him would be the problem. Especially considering they have been together a year, it sounds like they are serious.
If 'B' comes, give her a heads up that they will be there and condering they are all adults they should be able to act accordingly.
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