What would you do? [Long, but with commas and paragraphs! Lol]

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: What would you do if you were me?
    Let it go, and forget it - it's just weed, and it's nice that your SO and bro get along : (8 votes)
    5 %
    Let it go for now, but make sure he knows how much his betrayals have hurt : (17 votes)
    10 %
    Yell at him, and give him a wake-up call. It is NOT OKAY to do this! : (9 votes)
    6 %
    Seriously consider whether this fault could unravel your relationship : (43 votes)
    27 %
    Do a trial separation, let him know this won't be tolerated : (22 votes)
    14 %
    Break it off and leave him in the dust, he's a liar : (56 votes)
    35 %
    Why did you even make that request in the first place??? : (7 votes)
    4 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    337 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    If he’s lying to you about this, what else is he lying about, or what else is he going to lie about in the future? That’s what gets me. It doesn’t sound like he is trustworthy. You can’t marry someone you can’t trust.

    I wouldn’t be able to tolerate that, personally, especially since you’ve given him so many chances already. I would definitely consider leaving someone who disrespects you and apparently cares so little about what’s okay with you and what’s not.

    Post # 4
    Member
    2169 posts
    Buzzing bee

    @KhaleesiStormborn:  I guess I’m confused about this most recent thing that happened this morning. You say:

    “At this point it wasn’t even about the original request anymore – I could have asked him never to wear brown shoes and his lies and sneaking would have hurt just as much – but I gave him another opportunity. He did much better! 6 months and nothing suspicious at all, and he cut down on his smoking.

    Well… this morning after he left for work I opened my computer. I guess he forgot he was on mine (his doesn’t have certain software) and he’d left his facebook open. He was asking my brother for his pot-dealer’s phone #.”

    Does this make you upset because he’s involving your brother or because he is planning to smoke again? Because his response to whatever you said to him makes it seem as if you are upset he is planning on smoking weed at all. And that doesn’t make sense to me because while you said he cut down on his smoking, you didn’t say he quit it altogether. Have you just been ok with the cutting down until now but want him to quit altogether at this point? Does that make sense? Sorry I’m just trying to clarify to understand you better!

    Post # 5
    Member
    968 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    He has a drug problem. It is escalating. He is enabling (at best) your brother into a drug problem. He lies to you. Repeatedly. 

    I would dump his butt yesterday. It will never change. Good luck and so sorry you are dealing with this. Drugs suck.

    Post # 9
    Member
    172 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    @KhaleesiStormborn:  Yikes, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. He knows how much it bothers you and yet, he keeps doing it. While I’m sure he loves you and cares about how you feel, he isn’t going to stop. At least not right now, or maybe anytime soon. He’s clearly demonstrated this in his actions. No matter how much you two fight about it, how many times you confront him about it, or how many times you snoop and bust him.  It’s not changing his behaviour, at all.

    This is affecting your relationship in a huge way. It’s breaking any trust you two have with eachother (him lying to you and you snooping) it’s affecting your intimacy etc. You have to ask yourself how much longer are you willing to put up with this? There are people in relationships where one party smokes weed and that’s okay to them. But every relationship is different. You’re not okay with it, and that’s totally okay. The way I see it, you have a couple options:

    You can continue to live the way you’re living. But you need to ask yourself, is this a habit that you’re willing to live with forever? Do you want your children around this?  You can’t just keep telling yourself that he’ll grow out of it, or change. While he might, you can’t just forget everything that you two have been through as a result of this. The lies, deception, snooping etc.

    You can let him know that this habbit of his is negatively affecting your relationship. In huge ways. I’m not a fan of ultimatums, but I do believe that sometimes they’re necessary. You can let him know that you can’t continue to live like this and you really want him to consider getting help, or you’re out. Rehab, couples counselling, etc. He might not see that there’s a problem or that it’s negatively affecting your relationship, but you do. And relationships are partnerships. Where both people should not only take their own feelings into consideration, but the feelings of their partners as well. And that alone should make him at least consider gettting outside help towards building back your partnership. And if he can’t put in that much effort, I think you need to seriously consider this relationship long term.

    Good luck and I’m sorry you’re going through this!

    Post # 10
    Member
    61 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: October 2015

     

    @KhaleesiStormborn: I was in a similar situation. I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years over this issue. I did it because it was initially just about the weed. But he couldn’t even keep promises about that. It led to me feeling like he didn’t respect my wishes. It also bothered me because instead of him being transparent and honest and just saying, “Sorry, this is what I want to do and this is what I am going to do,” he flat out lied to me every time. I did not want that. I felt like he started telling me things just to satisfy me and honesty is important to me, so I broke up with him.

    It’s going to be tough, but you need to make a decision about what you want. I think you two need to make an agreement that he either does it or he doesn’t. It makes no sense to have restrictions because then you have to go in to how much is too much, etc. and that is complicated and just not worth the discussion because you’ll end up back in the same situation. You are uncomfortable with it and for good reasons. He should respect that and he doesn’t.

    Side note: I am not against people using marijuana. I just prefer to not be in romantic relationships with people who do, for a number of reasons.

    Post # 11
    Member
    3210 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    I’m sorry, but I strongly believe you need to dump him. It’s not the weed–it’s the lying again and again. He has no respect for your wishes, and even when you texted him, clearly all he cares about is HIMSELF. He lies because he wants to do whatever the eff he wants to do and not have to face the consequences. Nope nope nope.

    Post # 12
    Member
    875 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    @KhaleesiStormborn:  Unfortunately he has now repeatedly lied to you. That makes him a Lying Liarpants and I could not move forward in a committed relationship with him if I were in your position. Keep in mind, he had the chance to say “Hey I want to smoke weed with your brother, it is a great friendhsip tool,”- instead he CHOSE to agree to your request. This will not be a one time thing. And I don’t think the trip to China will change anything.

    Post # 13
    Member
    1392 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2011

    I was married to a liar. Let me tell you, liars lie about everything. Once someone is ok with lying, it becomes a normal thing. My first husband would lie about anything. Just FYI. 

     

     

     

    Only you can decide if this relationship is right for you. 

     

     

     

    FWIW, I have found as I get older I do not associate myself with people that do drugs for any reason. We aren’t on the same page and I refuse to get on board because I have other priorities and responsibilities. This has solved many of the problems I had in my younger days. 

     

    Post # 14
    Member
    744 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I would probably break up with him.  I think a grown man should be able to argue his case, for example:

     

    You: Please don’t smoke weed with my brother

    Him: I like smoking with your brother but I promise it will only happen at x times and won’t lead to any other drug use.

     

    Then you can decide if you either will put up with it or not.  Instead he just tells you what you want to hear and then does what he wants anyways.  I think his style of conflict resolution will come up in more ways than just his druge use in the future.

    Post # 15
    Member
    3344 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

    @KhaleesiStormborn:  I don’t understand your logic that this will “likely not matter a year from now.”  I think it will!  If he is willing to lie to you about this, he’s willing to lie to you about anything.  I know that’s hard to believe, but it’s true.  He can’t be trusted.  You gave him a chance to change and earn back your trust, and he didn’t do it.  He didn’t change.  You say he’s been good for 6 months, but you don’t know that!  He could have been doing things the whole time and you just didn’t find out until now.  He’s still lying to you, and he still can’t be trusted.  I highly doubt he’s going to stop doing drugs, and it sounds like that’s what you need.  I would dump him and find someone who doesn’t do drugs AT ALL.  Not even a little weed.  I’m sorry this is happening to you.  I’ve been in a similar situation where everything is great except for that one little thing.  Except that one little thing is actually a big deal.  It’s a dealbreaker.  You need to stop wasting time on him and find someone who will never lie to you and who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

    Post # 16
    Member
    2155 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    You made the lines clear and he crossed them over and over again, lied about it, and is sneaking around. That is unacceptable. He obviously has no respect for you or your boundaries.

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