- 3 years ago
- Wedding: February 2016
Okay, so here I am with tears in my eyes. Yuck, I hate this. A little background:
I have dated two different guys (each over 2 years) who both started out as heavy social drinkers, moved to weed, which changed to constant weed-smoking, and eventually (in BOTH situations) evolved to hidden heavy drug use. Cocaine was used by both of them. I ended those relationships, and after the second one ended I really though to myself “OKAY, I’m clearly going after the wrong type of guy… new strategy needed!”
-For the record, I drink socially and that’s it. No drugs.
So after many years of being happily single, I finally meet my current SO. He’s different, finally! He’s 3 years younger than me (25 now) but finishing his university degree and also has a college diploma under his belt. He doesn’t do drugs except once a month he smokes weed with his 3 other (successful-in-life, mature, but fun-loving) friends while they have their monthly Smash Bros tournament. Okay, I can totally deal with that!
My younger brother (20 now, 18 when my SO and I started dating) has had problems with drugs. Nothing major, but was definitely using MDMA and other things. Well he scaled back to just being a pothead, so that was good I guess?
BUT then it seemed like my SO and brother bonded over weed. I didn’t really like where that was headed, and so I asked nicely for my SO to just leave my brother out of that side of his life. I made specific requests – don’t smoke with/around my brother, and don’t buy any weed off of him or his friends. He agreed.
That was about 6 months in. Over the past year and a half, he’s broken this many times. First incident – He accidentally had multiple alarms set on his phone when neither of us had to wake up, so when the first one went off (the plugs are beside my side of the bed) I took his phone and opened it to turn them off. A convo with my brother was open. It said stuff along the lines of “yeah get me about 3g man, but don’t tell Ashley, she’ll freak”
WELL! I was VERY upset obviously. Not just about the lack of respect for my wishes, but also going behind my back AND asking my brother to lie to me!! Triple offense.
We fought, we made up, I tried to get him to understand why I was hurt – the lack of respect, breaking my trust, dragging my bro into it. He said he understood.
He started smoking MUCH more frequently. He told me when we started dating that he’d never want to become a pothead. Well, he did become one. It affected our sex life, and I completely resented it.
Then, because I was suspicous (I have very strong intuition) I did the very bad thing that I’m not supposed to do and looked at his phone again. Same shit. “Hey sister’s SO, want some weed crystals? They’re awesome” “Yeah sure, sounds great! Needless to say, Ashley can’t know of this.”
Bees… I was so upset. Our whole relationship I’ve made it clear how much honesty and trust mean to me. If I don’t have it, I won’t be happy in a relationship. We fought again, he told me not to read his phone, I told him I’d stop if I ever looked and DIDN’T find proof of his betrayal.
At this point it wasn’t even about the original request anymore – I could have asked him never to wear brown shoes and his lies and sneaking would have hurt just as much – but I gave him another opportunity. He did much better! 6 months and nothing suspicious at all, and he cut down on his smoking.
Well… this morning after he left for work I opened my computer. I guess he forgot he was on mine (his doesn’t have certain software) and he’d left his facebook open. He was asking my brother for his pot-dealer’s phone #.
I texted him at work and said “dude, not cool :(” and he asked if I wanted him to give the weed back. Since it was the weed he was trying to get to celebrate the end of finals in a couple of days, I said no, don’t bother. I told him it seemed like I only had 3 options in this situation. 1) Forget about it, give up, and accept that he would never respect my wishes in this matter. 2) Get really angry, be resentful, and make both our lives miserable over this. 3) Break up with him over something that likely won’t matter a year from now.
He texted back “Please don’t give me a hard time, I’m stressed enough as it is. You just gave me an anxiety attack and now I’m depressed.” …. Like I’M the one who did something awful.
I don’t know what to do about it, because other than this issue, he really is my best friend. We laugh ALL THE TIME. He’s thoughtful, plans for the future, wants kids and would be a hilarious/great father. This is literally his one fault. I love him a lot, and really have a hard time seeing my life without him. Do I just give up? Clearly it doesn’t mean much to him, since it keeps happening. Maybe he just thinks it’s a stupid request and that’s the reason he so nonchalantly disregards it… however in his shoes, I would NEVER do what he’s done.
PS- We’ve been together over 2 years, and are 25 (him) and 28 (me). We also plan to go to China next fall to teach English – we even have a Skype interview for jobs set up next week. He would NOT be smoking weed at all in China!