(Closed) What would you do? ((long!))

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1090 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

thats a toughie one!

My friend is in the same situation, been together for 8 years and deep down I dont feel like he will ever marry her. Every situation is different, however. I believe that he really loves you, but I think he just got too comfortable at his parents. This is almost impossible to break. Waiting will tear you apart and take all the fun out of your current

I wish you lots of luck 🙁 you dont want to get engaged under a sad argument or making him do something he isnt ready for.

this is always such a hard topic. Im sorry-Im not helpful!

Post # 4
Member
1742 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Sorry you’re in the same boat, the waves can be kinda rough at times.

Men DO like to feel financially stable and accomplished before they have super serious thoughts about becoming husbands.  Also, they tend to want to do around the time they feel they can dealw ith being dads, and this puts them close to 30 when the marriage bug bites them.  Some guys are early bloomers, mine is a pretty dang late bloomer.  Yours sounds like he’s just unsure about marriage, not to you, really, but just marraige, and it could really, honestly be age/finaice realted.

That said, there’s no guarantee that he will EVER accomplish his desired goals, and he needs to come to terms with that, and with the fact that’s it’s unfair to you to make you wait for him to achieve soemthing that just might not happen.  Personally, unless you are planning a huge or difficult destination wedding, I see little reason for a 3 years engagement, but that’s just me.  I think you’d find that one year is pretty good, too, but then again, I know you’d rather be engaged than not at this point. 

I think one thing you could both do, as I think $10K and a 50.00 CZ have a lot of options in between, is see if he’d conent to at least go ring shopping with you for a few reasons:

1 – it’s a lot easier for him to pick a ring if he knows your size, and the best way to get this is from a jeweler. 

2 – you could SHOW him several rings for BOTH of you that would cost less than $10K and still be real, meaning he’d not have to save as long or as much, AND he wll know what you like – yellow vs white metals, stone shapes, cuts, band widths, and you can select an assortment you like so he can still surpirse you.  The choice of metal alone can influnce the cost, so he needs to know these things.  Also, what if you’d want a stone other than a diamond?  All good for him to know.

3 – if he goes, you can feel better about some progress being made.  If not, and he’s not got a good reason, like he’s got an heirloom ring, he’s already picked somehting, etc., then you can see if your feelings about the relationship not moving are valid.

4- one last thing, since he’s made the joke about you buying a ring – go ahead and start saving what you can.  After a while, tell him you’ve got so much set aside, you’re willing to put it towards a ring or wedding – this is the 2000s and you don’t expect a $10K ring, and you don’t want the ring to have a ring, you want the ring to wear as his FI/wife.  If you cans et aside a good amount at all, it might spur him on – like a competition.

Tell him that you know if he wants to do something he does it, so that’s telling you he doesn’t seem to want this and you need to know if that’s true.

Post # 5
Member
272 posts
Helper bee

In this day and age, I don’t trust the money excuse. If he has a job, he should consider himself blessed, even if that means settling for a $5000 ring instead of waiting around for 10K to magically appear in his pocket!

Post # 6
Member
272 posts
Helper bee

And he lives at home, so what is so expensive that keeps him from saving?

Post # 7
Member
1090 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I know how much my ring was, and it was under 5k. IT IS MORE than enough too. It took my FI probably 6 months of hard saving to pay cash. But there are so many no interest options too. Maybe he is just unaware that not everyone walks around in a 10k ring. or a 5k ring.

Post # 8
Member
1742 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@OmigoshesGrrrl: good point.  Are thre student loans or car payments, hre?  Does he split bills with mom and dad?  COuld he already be paying for something, but it’s taking longer than he wanted?

Post # 11
Member
213 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I am so sorry that you are going through this.  It took a bit of convincing to get my (now FI) then boyfriend to want to move in with me.  He didnt have the luxury of living at home though.  Have you asked him what it is that he thinks you know is the reason?  Maybe ask him (as non-confrontational as possible) what it is that he has at home that he thinks he wont have living with you.  I really would try to sit down with him face-to-face in a neutral space- definately not his parents- and talk to him about his reasons for not wanting to live together first.  That may give you some insight into the marraige issue.  Try to diffuse or understand his financial arguement- is it really that or is there something else? As for saving for a ring yourself- dont.  If you want to, save for soemthing else- I started saving (way before the proposal– I waited over 1.5 years for the ring) for “a wedding gift for him”… which ultimately ended up the “wedding fund”.  But dont put the pressure on yourself to get/help pay for the ring.  You’ve given him options that are not expensive- I even told my FI once that it didnt matter what the ring was- that a peice of string would be fine because it was the symbolism and meaning that mattered.  Surprizingly- he told me later that it was that line and that conversation that made him realize that it was dumb for him to keep waiting to propose.  I really hope things get better for you, but I think a heartfelt, honest and non-confrontational conversation could be really what you two need.  Good luck!

Post # 13
Member
213 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Yeah… my FI was very against living together before we got engaged, so I get that excuse, but there were other aspects of our life that didnt fit with the “good Christian” pre-marital stuff… so I pretty much said if we can do that…why cant we live together- God knows either way… and he got it.  I get the working harder because he doesnt have to come home to you, but that’s something that he’ll have to deal with forever.  I think you need to find out which of the reasons are more valid- or if its a combo and talk to him about how they would be resolved.  Obviously if he doesnt want to move in until you are engaged/married- why is he waiting? Let him know that him dragging his feet on the engagement then affects the rest of your lives. 

Post # 16
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@bride_in_training: Yeah, honestly I’m seeing red flags too.  Why do his parents allow him to stay at home? It seems like he has a good job and can split rent with you, so why at home? We all could lose our jobs at any time, especially in this economy, but that’s not a reason to live with your parents or not move on with your life.  I feel like that’s just one big ball of excuses and mess. We all have to grow up at some point, put some money aside, and prepare for the worst to happen instead of staying at your parent’s house in a little cocoon.  His mom may say that he should propose, but it doesn’t seem that she’s doing anything to help push him out of the nest.  He likes it there…it’s safe and comfortable.  Does she do his laundry?  Does she clean up after him?

I’m also curious about what he meant when he told you that he didn’t want to get married and “you knew why.” What did he mean by that?

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