- 5 years ago
I really need your help with how to approach the situation i’m currently in.
I’m 26 my so is 28 and we have lived together for a year and a half and been together for about 2 years.
Im doing my second degree – and he is in the forces- he left for 7 months overseas and returned only about 3 months ago I waited, and supported him whole heartedly through his deployment. My point here is we are both financially stable, have our education sorted out and are able to rise to the challange of being apart.
I was (stupidly) sure that we would be having serious talks about marrige when he returned – after he settled back in of course..
While he was deployed he wrote me letters asking me about my hopes dreams for the future- mine were concerning getting married and having a family- but I also highlighted that I didnt want to ellaborate too much on topics of that nature until they were brought up by him as well. i.e I wanted to know his stand point…
His letters concerned renovations. and he also said that I should know that I am in all of his plans he also asked me to ellaborate on those things and that I had mentioned in my letter ( marrige and children) and that I should not be affraid to ellaborate..
So I did- still with caution- like i didnt say I want this now or I want X number of kids- I just sid things like- Im working hard to create foundtions for security for a family and getting married and starting a family is the predominate motivator for me working so hard et cetera.
This letter was met by a sentense in his letter saying ‘I also want to get married and have children, but I cant begin to imagine when is the right time to do those things’
While I was like ok he is being honest – I also felt like I had been lured into spilling my guts – for him to just lap it up and give it a one sentense response…
I let my frustrations be known over a telephone conversation basically saying just that- it is unfair that you asked me to ellaborate when you had no intention of responding with a similar level of emotional depth.
He then wrote me an email to follow up from that conversation – saying that we need to talk about it when he gets home as these issues are probably not the best thing to talk about in letters… I agreed and left it at that.
Now this is where it gets trickey and I have no idea NO idea where I stand anymore- I tried to be open hoenst and direct and acording to him he was too but I need your help in trying to interpret what he is trying to say
when he returned after a month he was talking about moving or something and I said im not doing anything like that before marriage- He said that he wasnt ready- I said ok – he then said that if I hadnt insisted ( which I hadnt) on going up with him to his parents house then he would be able to talk to his father and his brother in law about how do you know if the girl you are with is the one to marry… I was a little insulted at the claim that I was not allowing him to go on his own and so our fight escallated.. I was also a extreemly hurt to think that he was THAT unsure after everything we had been through together and after everything he had said in the email- I thought that there was no doubt in his mind that I was the one he wanted to be with…but I did not fight with him about not being ready I was hung up on the “me not allowing him to go to his parents alone issue” because this was a simply untrue accustaion.
we got over that fight and he insisted that I go with him to his parents house anyway – I refused a couple of times but as I said he insited so I went – we had a great time..
I made up my mind to just keep myself happy and to start to take care of myself again and put some of my needs first it was kind of the only way I thought to keep sane.
now the next issue- He told me when we discussion our futures that he would never marry or have kids with someone who smoked (fair enough) and asked me if i would give up some day I said yes- and I gave up while he was away –
I started having a couple a day again after all of the dramas because I just felt like pleasing myself- and i think i did it slightly out of spite- and I got busted
He said that I was a liar and that I betrayed his trust and that I was deicieteful- sure I tried to hide smoking from him but I didnt think that his severity of his reactions were warranted- especially considering the events of the holldiays – i.e he kicked up a stink about DISCUSSING commitments when I was a non smoker..
Anyway he said that he cant trust me anymore and that after the discussions of the hollidays he was thinking that he should propose to me at the end of the year and that now he doenst know if he can trust me anymore— I kind of understood but at the same time I didnt think that I deserved that kind of lableing over a couple of smokes…
I said- I understand that you think you cant trust me- but you’re overreacting, lets just take some time to heal from the hollidays and all of the dramas and see how we go
(at this stage I was pretty sure that the way he was reacting ( while in some ways was normal) was predominatly a result of being deployed – it just wasnt that justified)
Anyway the situation now is that – I no longer smoke – we have been really good for a couple of months Im planning weekends away together and generally enjoying each other again–
honestly he was making me have serious doubts about the kind of person I was when he returned and started making me really hate myself – he also made me think that I was crazy… I’m now pretty sure that that was a result of being back home after a deployment- i just did not expect it – and I had gone through my fair share of shit while he was gone too and I think he forgot that..
My question to you Bee’s ( and do please give me permission to be selfish and shallow)
1) in your opinion is he f*cking me around and using emotional blackmail to do it? He is not a mean person at all – but just after he returned I genuinley felt he was being very unfair in the way he would discuss things with me – also using the smoking thing as leaverage over ‘not propsing’ I found a little unfair.
2) am I justified to expect a proposal at the end of the year given that he said that he was intending to do at the end of this year and that I have given up smoking and that has been result?
3) Given my uncertainly- Do I bring up the topic again to clarify where I stand again or do I just leave it alone- I must say I have been very good at not bringing up marrige at all- but i do ask about his mates weddings and I have been watching wedding related shows… But nothing about us getting married…
Thanks so much for your advice in advance xxx
And also please advise if you think I am being a total jerk – and if perhaps I need a check up from the neck up