Post # 1
My father is a JERK. It is who he is. He has never been around for us. The past few years I have tried to be civil towards him. A personal family problem happened and he has decided that it is my fault. Someone had called DCFS on him saying he was abusing my brother (which he was) and assumed it was me. My birthday came and went, he did not call. He won’t answer my emails, texts, nothing,. He will not even allow me to talk to my brother which breaks my heart. My sister had mentioned to him and my stepmom a few weeks back that I was trying to get a hold of them because I needed my step-sister (my step mom’s daughter) to pick out her bridesmaid dress. My step mom responded with “we want nothing to do with your sister or her wedding. After what she has put our family through we don’t want anything to do with her. We will not be going to her wedding or having contact with her anymore”. I honestly didn’t even care that they said that stuff (it stung a little) but I was more upset that they will not allow my stepsister to be a BM anymore 🙁 It meant alot to me to have her up there since she has been abused by them her whole life and this would be her moment to look beautiful and have a day about her. Thankfully I have my MOH (sister) and another BM. Now I am wondering, should I sill send them an invite? I honestly could care less if they show up or even come. I wasn’y planning on having him walk me anyway. But my BM said that I should still send an invite with a little note saying that regardless of the past he is my father and I love him. I don’t know what to do. I am upset for having been blamed for something to begin with that I didn’t do. I really don’t want them there and believe they would possibly start drama or be cold to me the entire night. This has been going on three months now. I figured I would wait and with time things may change but they seem to not be changing. Sorry for the rambling.
Post # 3
If he’s abusive to his kids and put the blame on you, he is evil and regardless of him being your ‘father’ I would want nothing to do with him.
If you plan to write him out of your life, for all intents and purposes (which I can’t see how you could do otherwise), I don’t see the need of being ‘nice’ – just because he’s your father.
EDIT: The only reason I could think to do it is for the contact with the kids… but hopefully you have a way of communicating with them without his involvement….
Post # 4
It sounds like you want him there, so that is your deciding factor. He may not come, but you will know that you extended the invite. Have you told him you were not the one to call or do you care to explain yourself? Did he refuse to listen/will he listen if you write it all in a note?
There isn’t a lot of information, but it does sound like your father may not be the greatest father to your brother, was he a good father to you? If not, why do you want him to be there? If he was, maybe you can work on that angle.
Post # 5
My question to you is do you want him there? You said you don’t care if they show up or come, but if he does come will that make your day better or make you feel better? I think you should think about what you want. Try not to let your MOH sway your thoughts on this one.
Post # 6
I think sending an invite (with or without the note) at least keeps the door open to reconciliation in the future. It may not feel like you’d ever care if that happens now, but five, ten, twenty years down the road, you may feel differently, and honestly, doing anything you can to be civil to them now might make the process go smoother then.
Post # 7
I’ve read on other boards for etiquette how to handle invites for those you know who won’t come, like older family members that can’t fly or friends who can’t afford to fly. It might apply to this situation. First, I think you should be the bigger person here. It’s harder to take the high road, but you’ll be glad you did at the end of the day. Second, I think if you send him an invitation that he needs to let you know if he’s coming or not. You deserve not to be in limbo that day about family drama. Ok, here is what the etiquette boards say:
Send the invitation and write a note saying “We don’t expect you to come, but wanted to share our happy news with you.”
Again, I would also add something saying “Please let me know if you plan on attending so I don’t have to be anxious about it” or something like that.
Post # 8
I totally agree with daydreamwanderer
Post # 9
I had a very similar situation with my father. I opted to not send an invite. It absolutely killed me that I had to make that choice and I cried for two weeks before the wedding because he wouldn’t be there and that hurt. Now that we’re 4 months after the wedding I think I made the right decision. We had a beautiful day without any drama and honestly I didn’t even realize he wasn’t there. He has also started to resume contact with me and has admitted to being wrong about a few things. I attribute this to him finally realizing what his mistakes were costing him. Either way its a hard decision to make and I wish you the best of luck.
Post # 10
And I said no note…just complicates things. if you do a note, I would say “I know you don’t want to come, but I love you” or something like that.
Post # 11
I would send invites to your brother and step-sister, but I wouldn’t send one to someone who hurt the people I love. Yes, he’s your dad, but I would find it hard to have him there. I haven’t been through your situation, but I would go with what’s in your gut. I’m sorry you’re going through this, it can’t be easy.
Post # 12
I also totally agree with daydreamwanderer.
Post # 13
@leyfey My dad has always been abusive to us as kids and never wanted anything to do with us but I tried to push that aside because regardless of the things he has done he is still my father.
Thanks for the comments girls, the thing is, I don’t really know if I want him there. He has never really been there for me so I honestly feel like it wouldn’t matter. That is why I am SO confused 🙁
Post # 14
I would not invite someone like that. First of all, if you KNOW he’s abusing his children, then I applaud whomever DID turn him in to DCFS. I hope he goes to jail for it! Abusing children is the second most horrible thing a person can do in my book.
Heck no don’t invite him, and don’t feel guilty about it for a minute!
Post # 15
I would invite him. If you don’t, it just gives him and his family one more reason to talk nasty about you. Don’t give them the chance.
Post # 16
I second daydreamwandered and daniellezara! It is a good idea to extend the invitation with your personal feelings. It might make the situation a little easier.