(Closed) What would you do? Send, not send?:(

posted 7 years ago in Family
  • poll: Should I still send an invite?
    Yes, just send an invite : (7 votes)
    12 %
    Yes, send an invite with a note like your BM said : (10 votes)
    17 %
    No! Screw him! He doesn't deserve to be there! : (38 votes)
    64 %
    Other- Explain Below : (4 votes)
    7 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    7175 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    If he’s abusive to his kids and put the blame on you, he is evil and regardless of him being your ‘father’ I would want nothing to do with him.

    If you plan to write him out of your life, for all intents and purposes (which I can’t see how you could do otherwise), I don’t see the need of being ‘nice’ – just because he’s your father.

    EDIT:  The only reason I could think to do it is for the contact with the kids… but hopefully you have a way of communicating with them without his involvement….

    Post # 4
    Member
    4824 posts
    Honey bee

    It sounds like you want him there, so that is your deciding factor. He may not come, but you will know that you extended the invite.  Have you told him you were not the one to call or do you care to explain yourself? Did he refuse to listen/will he listen if you write it all in a note?

    There isn’t a lot of information, but it does sound like your father may not be the greatest father to your brother, was he a good father to you? If not, why do you want him to be there? If he was, maybe you can work on that angle.

    Post # 5
    Member
    617 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2009

    My question to you is do you want him there?  You said you don’t care if they show up or come, but if he does come will that make your day better or make you feel better?  I think you should think about what you want.  Try not to let your MOH sway your thoughts on this one.

    Post # 6
    Member
    7976 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    I think sending an invite (with or without the note) at least keeps the door open to reconciliation in the future. It may not feel like you’d ever care if that happens now, but five, ten, twenty years down the road, you may feel differently, and honestly, doing anything you can to be civil to them now might make the process go smoother then.

    Post # 7
    Member
    117 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I’ve read on other boards for etiquette how to handle invites for those you know who won’t come, like older family members that can’t fly or friends who can’t afford to fly. It might apply to this situation. First, I think you should be the bigger person here. It’s harder to take the high road, but you’ll be glad you did at the end of the day. Second, I think if you send him an invitation that he needs to let you know if he’s coming or not. You deserve not to be in limbo that day about family drama. Ok, here is what the etiquette boards say:

    Send the invitation and write a note saying “We don’t expect you to come, but wanted to share our happy news with you.”

    Again, I would also add something saying “Please let me know if you plan on attending so I don’t have to be anxious about it” or something like that.

    Good luck!!

    Post # 8
    Member
    1088 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    I totally agree with daydreamwanderer

    Post # 9
    Member
    654 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I had a very similar situation with my father. I opted to not send an invite. It absolutely killed me that I had to make that choice and I cried for two weeks before the wedding because he wouldn’t be there and that hurt. Now that we’re 4 months after the wedding I think I made the right decision. We had a beautiful day without any drama and honestly I didn’t even realize he wasn’t there. He has also started to resume contact with me and has admitted to being wrong about a few things. I attribute this to him finally realizing what his mistakes were costing him. Either way its a hard decision to make and I wish you the best of luck.

    Post # 10
    Member
    1088 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    And I said no note…just complicates things. if you do a note, I would say “I know you don’t want to come, but I love you” or something like that.

    Post # 11
    Member
    10851 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2010

    I would send invites to your brother and step-sister, but I wouldn’t send one to someone who hurt the people I love. Yes, he’s your dad, but I would find it hard to have him there. I haven’t been through your situation, but I would go with what’s in your gut. I’m sorry you’re going through this, it can’t be easy.

    Post # 12
    Member
    1480 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    I also totally agree with daydreamwanderer.

    Post # 14
    Member
    5823 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I would not invite someone like that.  First of all, if you KNOW he’s abusing his children, then I applaud whomever DID turn him in to DCFS.  I hope he goes to jail for it!  Abusing children is the second most horrible thing a person can do in my book.

    Heck no don’t invite him, and don’t feel guilty about it for a minute!

    Post # 15
    Member
    411 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2011

    I would invite him. If you don’t, it just gives him and his family one more reason to talk nasty about you. Don’t give them the chance.

    Post # 16
    Member
    489 posts
    Helper bee

    I second daydreamwandered and daniellezara! It is a good idea to extend the invitation with your personal feelings. It might make the situation a little easier.

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