Dealing with terrible sister in law

posted 2 weeks ago in Married Life
Post # 2
43300 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

msworriedbee :  I didn’t know what to say back, so I didn’t say anything

If you couldn’t speak up on your own behalf, why would you expect your husband to do it for you?

Post # 4
185 posts
Blushing bee

I am a proud supporter of the Women’s March that happened and this political situation is a hot mess that makes me upset on a daily basis.

Your SIL was VERY rude and should be ashamed of her behavior as a guest in your house. I live in a very conservative area and when I visit my friends that don’t share my views, I don’t speak about politics. At All. I avoid any discussions that could somehow lead to anything remotely  political. Because I care about my friends and the way to change peoples minds is not to make them feel bad in their own space for their opinions.

I have had words with my FIs family about politics; I did NOT start the conversation and I made sure to be respectful. I would be mad at my partner as well, and honestly, that was a moment that he should have picked a side. Even something as low key as “Hey, we love you guys and I know politics has strained the rest of the family, so let’s leave it out of our dinner conversation” would have settled it down.

I’m sorry your guests didn’t have enough manners to know to leave politics at home.

Post # 5
305 posts
Helper bee

msworriedbee :  These people just seem like they like to argue, and were extremely rude. There is a difference in being passionate about something, and flat out insulting. Maybe your husband knows that saying something to his brother would have just added fuel to the fire. 

My advice, dont let these rude people cause problems in your marriage. 

Post # 6
4031 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

No one is allowed to come into my home and disrespect me. I would have asked them to leave immediately and they would not be welcomed back without a sincere apology.

As for your husband – I do believe he should have your back. I also believe you should stand up for yourself. You both did poorly in this situation to be honest.

I wouldn’t be happy with his claim that you are asking him to choose sides though. They were, without a doubt, rude and insulting. You are his wife and he shouldn’t be okay with anyone treating you poorly, especially in your own home. I would be having more discussions about this – because yes, I absolutely expect my husband to take sides when someone has been rude and disrespectful toward me and since I’m his wife it better be my side. I don’t care who is on the other side – you are married, you are now each other’s teammate and #1. All other family comes second.

Post # 7
1623 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter's Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

You don’t have a SIL problem, you have a husband problem. He vowed to put you before all others so there’s no question of ‘sides’. Yes your SIL was rude but she’s right that he should back you up.

Post # 8
8 posts

Your SIL was very rude and her behavior was uncalled for. My BIL is a lot like her, only difference is his views stem from the far right! I feel like what works best is to not get into politics at all, and if it comes up kindly say “I don’t talk politics” and change the subject. If your SIL is as argumentative as my BIL (which it sounded like she was!) I go on ignore mode. Angry people will always be angry no matter what you say/agree with/disagree with. I get why you would feel hurt that your husband didn’t stand up for you or diffuse the situation…maybe he didn’t step in because it was just the SIL and not his brother doing the talking? I’d probably limit my contact with them in the future. (Save the wine for yourself! Lol)

Post # 9
43300 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

msworriedbee :  Don’t get me wrong. I think your SIL’s behavior was inappropriate and rude.  I also think your husband was wrong to respond to your complaint by yelling at you.

But, if you can’t even speak a few words to your SIL telling her that you will not be spoken down to in your own home and that you think it would be better not to discuss politics, why would you think your husband can read your mind and has the obligation to speak for you?

 If you didn’t say anything, BIL didn’t say anything, and DH went  to lay down, who was she having this conversation with?

She is not going to change. It’s up to you to be more assertive in the moment so she knows that you have boundaries.

Post # 10
888 posts
Busy bee

Your husband should have had your back 100%. No question my DH would have told ANYONE not to ever speak to me like that. In fact he has during small family disagreements- when I wasn’t even particularly offended. So that’s your first issue. 

Your SIL sounds like a wanker. I would have let her have it. I would never ever host them in my home again. In fact I would limit any future interactions with them altogether, and I would let my DH know, and them also if they ever request to visit again.

You need a serious discussion with your DH. I know sometimes people can be quick on the Bee to tell ‘dealbreaker’ but your DH having your back is important.

Post # 11
1371 posts
Bumble bee

“I get it, the women’s march is important, women’s rights, blah blah” — cut to you needing your husband to stand up for you in a simple conversation.  Hmm.

Post # 12
926 posts
Busy bee

I feel for you. My VERY left aunt was at my house the night my Dad passed away (who was a VERY conservative republican) and started going off about how dumb republicans are. Myself and my Mom (sister to my aunt!) both got up from the table and left. You don’t diss someone in their home the day they died. 

Needless to say she was out the next day. 

Post # 14
13256 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

If you’re talking about bringing it up with SIL, though she was being a raging bitch, i think the time to say something about that particular event has passed.  The time really was in that moment.  Bringing it up at this point just makes it look like you’re dwelling on it and trying to stir things up already as it seems they’ve already just moved on and acted like it never happened.   I’d hestitate to host them again though and just keep them arms length.  

But regarding your husband, he needs to get his shit in check. I’d absolutely hash things out with him about him yelling about choosing sides.  Standing up for you against anyone insulting you is hardly having to choose sides.  Nor is yelling at his wife exactly the best way to communicate with her either.

Post # 15
415 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2006

I think at this point there’s really nothing you can do. I’m sorry this happened to you! I’d like to say that I would go off on her if it were me, but it sounds like you don’t have that kind of personality and neither do I. I would have more than likely reacted the same way. Completely shocked and without a clue as to what to say. As far as your husband, yeah he should have said something. It’s definitely something you need to discuss with him because he needs to understand that defending you in your home isn’t taking sides. When my husband and I were dating something happened like this where he could have and should have stood up for me but because he doesn’t like stirring the pot, he didn’t do anything. I felt very hurt and unprotected. It’s definitely something to discuss with him to avoid building resentment about it. I’m sorry you had to be in that situation. 🙁

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