What would you do? Tricky family issue… help!

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
222 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Christmas Tree Farm

I wouldn’t go into detail about how hurt and how inappropriate you find the idea of inviting them. I would just stick to, “No, we don’t feel comfortable inviting them, we don’t know them, we don’t have room at the venue to invite that many people.” You don’t want to bring even more drama into the situation right now by creating an issue with your future ILs when it’s not necessary. Just stick to facts. Your venue only holds so many guests. The end.

Post # 4
Member
222 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Christmas Tree Farm

needadvice123:  Ah. Gotcha. That does make things more complicated. I would probably stick with, “No, we don’t know them and we don’t feel comfortable after their behavior at the birthday event.” Repeat. Then, if you want to address your future ILs behavior, I would definitely wait until after the wedding to do so.

Post # 5
Member
668 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I wouldn’t bother with explaining all of your reasons for not extending an invitation to that particular family member. They will likely want to argue every point and things wil get heated.

Invite who you want. Inquiries about people you are not inviting should be met with something like “Unfortunately XX is not now and will not be invited. Our decision is final and not up for discussion.” Otherwise, I think they wil continue to harangue and bully you over this. Why not end the argument before it has even started?

Post # 7
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

At first I was thinking you should continue refusing to invite Cousin 3 without listing reasons, because it is your wedding and you control the guest list.

BUT, if the wedding is at your aunt’s house and budget is not a concern – I assume that means your families are paying for it – I think your aunt and family actually SHOULD have a say in the guestlist. Let’s face it, it’s not your house or your money, so it’s not your final decision.

BUT, I do think you should share your opinion with your FI’s parents, in email if possible so you can get it all out without being interrupted: “we chose not to include Cousin 3 and his wife on our original invite list because of the incident at Aunt’s b-day party two years ago. I am sorry to bring up the bad memories, but FI and I were shocked, horrified, and embarrassed by what Cousin 3 did to Aunt and Uncle at that party. Neither of us wanted to risk a similar dramatic showdown at our wedding, especially since Cousin 3 has not apologized since then. But since you guys are paying and Aunt is kindly allowing us to use her house, I understand you all may choose to go against our wishes and invite Cousin 3. I think you should do what you feel is right, but please take our feelings into account as well.” Then wash your hands of the matter. 

If your FI’s parents do choose to invite Cousin 3 (and they likely will), having this email floating over their heads might make them feel somewhat responsible for controlling him, or having Aunt or Uncle control him, at the wedding, so as not to prove you guys right. No one wants to set themselves up for a massive I TOLD YOU SO.

Post # 9
Member
1981 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

LoveBugBee:  “Unfortunately XX is not now and will not be invited. Our decision is final and not up for discussion.” <br /><br />I need to borrow this- fantastic!

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