- 3 years ago
Hi Bees, My fiancé and I are faced with a complicated familly issue and i’m hoping you guys can give me some validation and make me feel more confident in our decision or, if you disagree, some constructive food for thought.
background: my fiancé has an aunt and uncle, A and B. They have 3 children, 1, 2 and 3. 2 and 3 haven’t spoken in about ten years. about 2 years ago, it was A’s birthday and the entire family, including fi and I and 1, 2 and 3 and all their spouses/children went to a special weekend for her in a nearby city. It was a complete disaster. 3 ended up screaming at several people at the dinner, swearing, calling people names etc – at his own mother’s (A) birthday. A and B were horrified, shocked, completely devastated, crying etc. It was a total nightmare and obviously the entire weekend was ruined. This was the first time I had ever met 3 – and I have never met him again. even more things occured, suffice to say it got much worse. 3 has now not spoken to A or B (his parents) in almost two years, has cut off all contact between A and B and his children, doesn’t pick up the phone, nothing.
whew! still with me??
Fi and I recently made prospective guest lists for my parents, his parents and ourselves. We came up with a list for each of our families, and each list had approx 50 people on it – in our opinion we were very generous! My Fi’s family is not so happy and has requested another 26 invitees. ahem. that’s a separate issue, but 3 and his wife are on the list! fi’s parents reasoning is that it would mean a lot to A and B, and that they wouldn’t come anyways. i’m REALLY offended – extremely so, that they would even dream of asking us to do invite them.
1) our wedding is not a peace summit. work your issues out on your own time. it is not our job to fix your family, and certainly not on our wedding day.
2) we don’t even know them. at all.
3) the focus will be ‘do you think they got it?’ ‘did they send back an rsvp?’ ‘do you think they’re really coming?’ and then ‘omg they’re here!’ ‘i can’t believe they came!’ whisperwhisperwhisper and then figuring out where we can seat this crazy person who’s offended nearly every person in attendance. i don’t mind sharing focus with other happy engaged couples, pregnant people, med school grads, whatever – because it’s happy and positive, i do not want people focusing on this family feud at what is supposed to be our celebration.
4) they’ve clearly demonstrated they don’t mind trashing an entire birthday weekend for his own mother with ranting, raving and screaming insults – so our wedding wouldn’t somehow force them to behave.
4) it’s putting us in the middle of a very awkward family feud – which we have no part of. i find it very innapropriate that we are supposed to send them the invitation as some sort of sneaky peace offering. and then what? update A and B when we send it, if they got it, if they sent it back, what they chose for dinner?
5) it shows that fi’s parents are not keeping us in mind with regards to the guest list (this is not the only instance of that). what about our comfort? happiness?
so the answer is obviously NO. But – do we explain how hurt we are and how innapropriate we find that suggestion? his parents have had a pretty poor attitude so far and this is very upsetting for fi and i because we just feel that we’re getting farther and farther down the list of priorities – now our wedding is being used as an underhanded family reunion for someone we barely know and behaved SO BADLY. his behaviour would not have been out of place on a reality tv meltdown.
is it worth it to voice this? or just repeat ‘we don’t know them’ a hundred times? i can’t decide if it would help us assert ourselves to his family, or whether they would dismiss our reasoning and then we’d be even more upset. thoughts?
- This topic was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by needadvice123.