(Closed) What would you do?

posted 10 years ago in Beehive
Post # 3
Member
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

What are the circumstances exactly? When you say they are angry about having to throw a bridal shower does that mean that they didn’t want to but some one is forcing them to throw one?

Post # 5
Member
42 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Well, if I were you I would be annoyed but I don’t think this is something that brides can enforce.  It’s customary for the MOH to throw a bridal shower, but it’s not mandatory.  Miss Manners says more or less that it’s optional and it’s up to the MOH or whoever if she wants to give one.  My MOH lives across the country, and although we haven’t talked about it I don’t expect her to throw me a shower.  In your case, if your MOH lives nearby I can definitely understand feeling a little peeved if she doesn’t throw you one, and personally I think my feelings would be hurt if my MOH had that attitude, but ultimately I think it is up to her.  However, maybe if she realized that it doesn’t have to break the bank she would be more amenable to the idea?  A super cute bridal shower does not have to be super expensive.

Post # 6
Member
72 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

oh no!  That’s so sad!

At this point, it’s already being planned, and it’s not your fault she feels that way.  Being in someone’s wedding is a big honor, and all the tradition blah, blah, blah to have a shower is a nice touch, but certainly not expected or demanded.  If she was/is concerned about price, she can co-host with another bridesmaid, but mainly, she needs to swallow her own pride.  This is your day/wedding; don’t let her ruin it.

And futuremrswecker is right: there are plenty of cute things out there to trim costs and keep it affordable without anyone knowing any different! 

The costs add up quickly for a wedding and being in a wedding.  She’s probably just griping, because she didn’t realize it.  Be as accommodating as you can, but don’t be apologetic.  I doubt you specifically ASKED for a shower…right?

Post # 7
Member
596 posts
Busy bee

it sucks that your MOH is having a crappy attitude about it – maybe she didn’t realize there would be so many costs and expectations attached to the MOH role?  money is a difficult topic to discuss and some people have a hard time admitting to not being able to afford certain things. i would definitely not suggest forcing/convincing her into throwing one by promising that it won’t be that expensive, difficult to plan, etc.  do you really want a shower that she is reluctantly being forced to throw?  are there other gals that can help throw a shower for you, like your other BMs or friends?  i would try to go down that route instead and let her off the hook for the bridal shower.  as for her lack of enthusiasm for the MOH role, that’s a whole different issue for you to tackle.  hope it all works out!

Post # 9
Member
375 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2018

Is your MOH single? Part of her attitude/disinterest might be the fact that she is not sure how your relationship will change now that you are getting married. I am engaged now, but I remember that when a lot of my friends were and I was still waiting (*ahem*-FI is reading over my shoulder-ha ha!) it was pretty hard on me. Sure, I was happy for my friends and did everything I was supposed to do (ooohed and aaahed over dresses, asked about details, went wherever I was asked, etc.), but I felt sad for myself, you know? It’s awkward to admit it, especially online, but it is what it is, as they say I wonder if that is coming into play? If so, you may want to schedule some time with her to do things and make wedding talk off-limits.

Post # 10
Member
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Oh my, well if you didn’t ask for a shower, she shouldn’t be upset about planning something she volunteered to do! Although maybe she doesn’t understand that she doesn’t have to throw one/doesn’t have to do something super fancy. I would just have a talk with her and explain that with regard to a shower you are not expecting anything from her. That way, any resentment she has is her own issue.

Post # 11
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Well this actually did happen to me. The timeline of events for me was this:

– She complained. A lot.

– Backed out of being my MOH

– Then complained even more as a BM

– Then I threw her out of the wedding party all together.  

And all this was after hours of explaining I never expected her to throw me a shower because I understood money was tight for everyone. I didn’t pick her for MOH because I thought she could afford some extravagant party.

Still her complaints grew, she wouldn’t go to anything wedding realted or come over for personal freind time.

I think that sdbride is right on the money – if she offered, she can’t complain. However if you’ve expected this of her and the others then I can see whhy she might be upset. 

 

Post # 12
Member
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - The Desmond Hotel in Malvern, PA

Is it possible that someone else is giving her a guest list that she HAS to stick with?  That could be causing some hostility…. When I was planning my MOHs shower a few summers ago, I was given a list of about 70 women who were to be invited.  No one else was planning to host a second shower for her, so both families assumed ours was it and wanted everyone invited.  I was fine with it, but I’m not going to lie and say it wasn’t overwhelming.  Fortunately less than 50 people were able to come, and there were 7 bridesmaids total to split all the costs, but some girls certainly didn’t want to take the guest list in stride. 

There was no getting around the size of the guest list so I just made it work, but perhaps your MOH is frustrated with a similar situation and feels that her position as the honor attendant is making others take advantage of her financially.  Could you have some candid, honest, and non-finger-pointing conversations with anyone else involved in the planning to make sure there is not something deeper going on?  Will your mom/FMIL or any other female family member be able to step up and contribute financially to help out your bridesmaids?

Post # 13
Member
42 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Yikes, the full situation sounds pretty bad.  I’m getting the impression that weddings can bring out the worst in people close to us.  Someone I thought was one of my best friends, and whom I was going to ask to be a BM, completely ignored me after finding out I was engaged.  I think maybe some people can’t handle the change that a good friend getting married necessarily entails.  If that is what is going on, and it sounds like it may be, it is not your problem.  you wrote this, which makes me think the real problem is not about the expenses and stuff: "She’s stopped calling me, and yesterday even said that she didn’t have anything to talk about, so she was going to hang up!"  Um, what?  If she’s your MOH, you’re probably really good, if not best friends, you are going through a wonderful but also stressful situation, and that’s her idea of being a supportive friend?  Sorry, I think i’m projecting my own situation a little bit, but honestly it sounds like she is being really selfish.  Not because she owes you an extravagant party, but because a good friend should be loving and supportive and not blame you for "having" to throw a party that you didn’t even ask for! 

OK, sorry for that rant, your situation just reminds me of my own.  I hope it helps to know that you’re not alone!

Post # 14
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2008

Weddings are expensive, the closer you are to them, the more they cost for all involved.  I’m not saying that she’s right or that she should have said anything.  But she may not have anticipated how much everything would cost, and is getting overwhelmed.  I’m pretty bad about getting overwhelmed (especially if it involves money) and it definitely affects my attitude.

I hope her attitude about it improves, and that she sees how much you want and need her friendship now.  Best wishes! 

Post # 15
Member
13 posts
Newbee

I actually only have one good friend who is married and I wasn’t in the bridal party so I haven’t had much exposure to all the inside action in weddings. However, I was the MOH at my sister’s wedding and there was no way I was going to be able to afford the kind of bridal shower my sister would love. And she actually didn’t expect me to pay for it. In fact, it was actually understood by everyone that my parents would spring for the cost. Their daughter, her happiness, their wallet. The BMs, MOH and the close friends were really only understood to take on the costs of the Bachelorette party. No small feat at the end of the day! 😛

And I’ve actually seen the parents pay for the bridal shower in two other weddings too (including the aforementioned close friend’s). I guess the idea is that some brides want (and *expect*) a very elegant bridal shower (which they deserve!) but it’s unrealistic and presumptuous to expect the MOH to pay for it. Rather, it’s just another thing the parents’ spring for while the MOH takes care of all the leg work involved in planning it within budget.

I’m not saying you want an elaborate bridal shower, but maybe you could communicate your more modest expectations to her to help her not freak out. And also maybe speak to your family about having them either help her out or take over the cost?

Post # 16
Member
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I agree that it would be appropriate to see if your family could perhaps offer to help with the cost of the shower.  It doesn’t have to sound like it was your idea – perhaps your mom or sister can just call her and say "Hey, we were thinking we would really like to help out!"

I also think that us brides, with our total preoccupation with all things wedding, can get very trying to normal people.  Its all about the colors and the flowers and the cake and the invitations and this or that detail.  Kind of like having a friend who has just had a baby.  Hey, I’m excited for you, but how many times do I have to listen to just how totally cute it is when she "smiles" (when we all know she’s too young to smile – its just gas!!!)  My sister has a new baby, and sometimes when she calls me I sort of dread it… and also feel like I (sarcastically) have nothing to say – or nothing of interest, anyway, since I have not yet managed to reproduce.  Maybe you could make a point of trying to talk to you MOH about her life – meaning her life outside of your wedding.  Something with nothing to do with you.  Like you used to before the whole wedding thing came along.  Sounds like she is maybe just feeling like friendship is getting a little one-sided at the moment, which happens, but still isn’t fun.

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