Post # 1
So yesterday my fiance and a couple of his coworkers had the day off. He invited them over to hang out (um…play xbox) at 12. When I got home at 7 they were still there, which was fine. BUT, one of the guys, who I had just met like 3 days ago, was being an absolute jerk. He’s sort of mean at work I guess, but my fiance wanted to be nice and invited him over as well. He was mean to the other guy there and was making fun of him (note this guy is foreign and so he was making fun of a lot of things that were due to cultural differences which is just extra mean in my mind). He was mean to my fiance. AND the jerk had the audacity to talk to me like a child and basically yell at me. Why you might ask? Because I was trying to figure out what I was going to have for supper (after a long day of work and classes), I didn’t want to cook, but didn’t know where I wanted to go. So I was talking to my fiance about what he thought and this jerk was like making sexist comments about me and talking down to me. Normally I have no problem saying something like “wow, that is a really rude way to talk to someone” or what not, but I bit my lip last night and its been bothering me. I didn’t say anything because while this guy is not my fiance’s supervisor, he does have senority. I didn’t want to make things worse for my guy at work. BUT that doesn’t give people the right to be mean! I am the type of person that stands up for myself and the people around me, but I worried that this would just make things worse in the long run.
So if you were in a situation like that (or have been), what would you have done? What am I going to do when I have to be around this jerk?
Post # 3
- Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch
When do you have to be around him? You might not have felt comfortable standing up to him, but you can certainly ban him from your home. 😉 If you have to be around him in other situations I think standing up to him is appropriate. Sometimes people like that respect people more when they stand up for themselves. Maybe not this guy, but it might lead him to avoid you, which is still a good thing. 😉
Post # 4
Hmm if I were in this situation, I’d tell my FI that I don’t appreciate this guy’s behavior in your own home. If the FI wants to invite him over in the future, he’ll need to address the rudeness with the other person or else he’s not welcome there anymore. I understand that if your FI doesn’t feel comfortable totally calling the guy out due to work issues–fine–but don’t invite the jerk back! If your FI insists on spending more time with this guy without addressing the issue, he should take it elsewhere so it doesn’t have to affect you.
Post # 5
Luckily I don’t think I will have to be around him TOO much, but there will definitely be more than just one or two future occasions I imagine. But you’re right, I am so instituting a house ban!
Post # 6
I agree, he would not be allowed in my home. You can’t treat me and my FI and other guests that I love and invited over with respect, your out.
Post # 7
i totally feel you. Hubs and I were out to dinner with some of his clients a few months ago and one of them made the most ignornant, slightly racist comment (i am black). my instincts were to totally cuss him out. But, its my husbands career. instead, i totally bit my tongue and just gave his wife a crazy look. i was upset about it for weeks.
its unfortunate, but sometimes there is nothing you can do. explain your irriation to FI and request that this guy is no longer invited over. you live there too.
in my case, my husband still does business with said client. frankly, i just dont go to the dinners anymore.
Post # 8
I don’t think my guy will invite him back to our place again, but it would be hard for him to never include this guy. They only work with about half a dozen people so its not like he can just avoid the guy on social occasions. My guy is totally sympathetic and agrees with me, but he’s just so darn nice and tries be inclusive no matter what. He always tries hard to be kind to everyone…its endearing, but sometimes frustrating when people like that guy stomp all over him.
Post # 9
Ugh – sorry that you had to deal with that.
Kudos to your FH for trying to include this guy in a social event, but when he was making fun of everyone, did your FH say anything? Did he make any comments about it after the guys left? It would have been a good opportunity to talk about how to handle similar situations in the future – it’s great that you were thinking of your FH and how it might affect his work situation, but if the guy’s a jerk at work too then he needs to be called on it.
I guess it’s easy for me to say that I can’t imagine letting one guest ridicule another based on culture or get away with making sexist remarks to me in my house, but I’ve never been in that situation, so I can’t say for sure what I would do, only what I hope I would do.
Post # 10
what a jerk! I cannot stand people who have to put others down to make themselves look better.
I don’t know if I could have done the same thing (bit my lip) but I think in your situation, it was a good idea and you did the right thing. He would not be allowed over again! and I think your FI will agree! 🙂
Post # 11
I think I would be more upset if FI didn’t stand up for me. The guy my FI works with (son of the owner) makes sexist comments all the time.. and appeartly he commented rather rude on my looks (good looks – but inappropriate I guess) FI gave him the gears and he hasn’t done it since.
It does become awkward if they are not close enough to do that but still – you want your prince to fight for you!
Post # 12
Sorry for the long answer, but I actually have had a similar problem before with my FH having people over – not that they were rude to me, just that they wouldn’t leave. Once it was his brother who showed up from California and announced he was staying for a week – keep in mind we live in a small 1-bedroom apartment with a spiral staircase – no actual bedroom door so everyone has to be on the same schedule in the household. I was fine with it, because what other choice did I have and my FH had been asking him repeatedly how long he was going to stay before he came and couldn’t get an answer so it was out of our control. But instead of taking him out to a bar one worknight, my FH let their other friend come over after I went to bed and they were all being really loud at 1:00am. I had a talk wiht my FH about it that night and from now on he’s keeping his friends out of our apartment during the week.
The other time was actually this past Saturday, I was getting over a really nasty cold and hadn’t slept at all Friday night, but agreed to have people over to watch a 7:00 football game. Well, it ended around 11:00pm and I was almost asleep on the couch, but instead of leaving they started drinking more so I had to take FH aside again and talk to him, but he shood them out immediately once he got the signal from me.
When you share a space with someone whether it’s a college/post college roomate or significat other, you have to be respectful of the other person as far as having visitors. I’m always super-sensitive about having friends over to our place and clear it with FH before making any plans. It’s sometimes hard and awkward to get guests to leave who are overstaying their welcome, but it has to be done.
Post # 13
I have been in situations like that! It’s the worst. I think you did the right thing by not saying anything directly to him. But I’d tell your fiance you’re not comfortable with the way he was treating you guys or the other co-worker so if he hangs out with him, you’d rather not be involved. I am really really sensitive to people being mean so I’d go as far as to say he’s not welcome in my house (I’m not saying you have to go that far). And if you can, I’d acknowledge the fact that he was mean to the co-worker he was really mean to. I’m sure it hurt him but he didn’t say anything and I’d go out of my way to say, “that guys a jerk, I’m so sorry he treated you that way”…. gosh I hate people like that! Just think, he’s the guy no one likes, that’s gotta be rough!
Post # 14
I would have asked FI to come ‘help’ me with something in the other room and discussed it out of earshot of said jerk. I know that my FI would have been perfectly fine with me going back out and saying ‘hey, I know you think you’re being funny… but that’s pretty offensive. We are both adults, you are in OUR house, and you need to be respectful to everybody while you are here. If you can’t, won’t or choose not to do that, you can please leave.’ It’s direct, polite, to the point and crystal clear. I had a guy talk to me like that (like a child) when I was trying to buy a new car once (I also had a salesman who completely ignored me and solely talked to FI). Needless to say, I set them both straight. I told them both ‘hey, I’m the one buying the car – not him. Talk to me – not him.’ The one continued to ignore me, so FI interrupted him during his schpeal and said ‘hey man, you just messed up big time. We’re out of here.’ We left both places and never have gone back and I bought the car elsewhere. Back to your situation – I would have a talk with FI too about how he needs to have your back if/when people do this kind of thing. He’s your partner in all of this and needs to have the wherewithal to stand up and say something. Next time – kick the guy out or tell him he’s not welcome if he keeps up these shinanigans.
Post # 15
I have been in a similar situation to this. My fiance works with this guy who is very rude to everyone as well. He has been over to our place twice, both times he was very rude, so fiance is never going to have him over again. The first time he came over, there were a few other people there as well, I got home from work and wanted to sit down to hang out. He was sitting on the sofa so I asked him to slide over, he wouldnt and made some comment about how I should be in the kitchen. All the other guys kinda gave him a little bit of shit for it and someone else got up for me. I didnt say anything to him, since he was a work associate, and the other guys said something. He left first, and everyone talked about how rude and crazy that was. My fiance was really pissed about it, but we just assumed he was trying to be cool or something.
The second time he came over it was it, he went too far. Between my finance and I, I have the ‘better’ job and work longer hours, and we both split the household chores. One night I got home from work and he was there, it was just my finance and him. It was pretty late, and I didnt feel like cooking, so I asked my fiance where he wanted me to order from. Then the who was over, goes ‘wow, your not even going to cook him dinner, you really arnt a good girlfriend are you, I mean it looks like you havnt cleaned the house in like a week either.’ My fiance told him that was messed up and if he wanted to stay he had to apologize to me and had to show me some respect in my house… he chose to leave instead of say sorry.
So my advise, is to make sure your fiance defends you next time. Because some people are just rude jerks and dont know how to act. If he gets away with it all the time he will never change.
Post # 16
I think you did the right thing. since it is a co-worker. Just tell the FI to not invite them over again chances are this was a rare thing for them to come over. I feel bad for the foreign guy because I’m sure he takes that abuse at work too.