- 3 years ago
Going anon for this one.
I love to DIY projects and have a lot for my wedding either completed or planned out. One project was our invitations. I was super happy with how they turned out; maximized our weight given postage limits, got a fair amount of sparkle on them, and got the paper on a super clearance deal. FI & I worked pretty diligently over a couple weekends to put the pieces altogether and finalize the wording. His father passed away 10 years ago and his mother has since remarried so we went back and forth a couple of times for how to word the parent lines. He finally settled on just leaving his father’s name off altogether as it felt to him like it was too clinging to the past, there were other ways we were going to honor his memory at the ceremony & reception, and it just plain looked strange to him to see his dad’s name on there.<br /><br />We sent the invites out on a Thursday afternoon thinking that we’d hand deliver ones to his immediate family on Saturday and that wouldn’t be an issue. Only someone out of town (5 hours away from where we mailed them from) did indeed get the invite the very next day and scanned the images to FI’s mom. FI’s mom was FURIOUS with the wording on the invite and considered it Extremely disrespectful to leave his dad’s name off the invite; it is the first thing that people see (well not really… we already sent out STDs, but w/e) and how dare we send out invitations without his name on them. She yelled at FI on the phone Friday evening for like 15 minutes. He couldn’t hardly get a word in to explain why he chose what he did. FI was devastated with her reaction. The last thing on his mind was intentionally disrespecting his father’s memory. I’m pretty sure he didn’t sleep that night.
Saturday morning we decided to reprint the invites with his dad’s name on them as we still had to hand out the immediate family member’s invites that afternoon anyhow. FMIL ripped into him again one-on-one for a while but did give him an opportunity to explain himself but she thought the whole reasoning was ridiculous. She also told him that she’d reordered invites to send to everyone and that he didn’t have to tell me that if he didn’t want to. FI shared this with me later that afternoon and I was devastated. As far as I know, she has not sent the invites out and I haven’t seen or heard about them since. Once we returned home, we did resend out revised invites to his entire family with a note along the lines of “we were sorry to hear our previous invites may have hurt you. Here is a new one for you to keep.” After the one-on-one that FI had with my FMIL, she did have a short one-on-one with me that explained how disrespected she felt, to which I responded, calmly, like she was coming across as more-or-less controlling. This fueled an email later that week FMIL sent FI stating reasons why she feels she is not controlling (b/c we don’t like her suggestions for the wedding… I can agree that we don’t like them and haven’t adopted any) and we should be grateful for her enthusiasm about the wedding. She re-hashed things I’d said within the last 8 years FI & I have been together that outline my issues and we probably shouldn’t get married b/c of them (for real).<br /><br />A week later after FMIL went spoke with a counsellor, she did call FI to speak with him and apologized for her reaction being over the top. She did not ask to speak with me though and has not mentioned about being sorry for the stress this situation has caused me. I feel like I need to reach out to her and explain that her reaction really hurt my feelings and to anticipate me not to share anything conversations of meaning with her for the next few months (honestly if not years) because I really just don’t emotionally trust her. She also really needs to understand that I would never intentionally dishonor someone’s memory and that FI was A-OK with this decision. I’m really not sure where to start with preparing what to say to her. It’s been weeks since this has happened now and I don’t know what to say. Hoping for some advice.