What would you say?

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1466 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

anonymous123456:  It’s a little confusing because you are basically saying you don’t want to be close with her for the next few months or years but there is all this stuff that you want her to know. You can either make yourself vulnerable or not. 

If I were you, I would want to patch things up with her. Maybe you would be on okay terms, but not best friends. Let her know what you intended and where you were coming from. Tell her if she did something that upset you, and say it in this way “I felt ____ when you did ______.” Don’t tell her she’s being controlling. She might be, but saying that to her will just alienate her. 

If she is still seeing the counselor, they are probably talking about her controlling behavior or they will get there. Let her sort it out. I suppose I don’t know how hard it has been for you and FI with her, but you can only control yourselves, you can’t control her. It’s up to you and FI to set your boundaries, which it sounds like you have since you aren’t taking up any of her ideas. It stinks for her, but the result of her controlling behavior is that you and FI have to set boundaries, and it’s up to her to deal with the consequences and decide how she is going to act in the future. 

Post # 4
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Both my FILs have said stuff to my FI that makes me want to have little to do with them.   Myself and FI are both in our mid 40s, so that, to me, makes their interference even more insufferable. 

My FI also gets upset at the fact that I don’t want much of a relationship with them, but to me, that’s his problem to deal with.  At the end of the day, they are HIS parents, not mine.  At our ages, there aren’t going to be children – something they have seen fit to have an opinion on, even though I’ve twice survived cancer and been told in no uncertain terms by my oncologists not to even consider it – so frankly I don’t see the why there is such a need for me to be close to them anyway.

I would tell her that it wasn’t only your FI she should have apologised to for her overreaction, that you were hurt as well.  I wouldn’t mention that you will be keeping her at arms length – she doesn’t need to know, and telling her so may cause more upset. 

Post # 5
Member
1466 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

anonymous123456:  Wow, this sounds like it’s between the three of you then. I think before you do anything with her you might want to talk about this with FI. What is it about it that upsets him? It must be hard for him- he must have hoped that his future wife would get along with his mother and it would be great. I think it’s great to listen to him and consider what he has to say. It’s also great to try to make good terms to keep the peace, but it doesn’t mean you have to be close with his mom. This is a tough situation! I’d say mostly though that you and FI are a team and that needs to be priority over his mom (sorry parents; also please tell me if I am wrong and violating someone’s culture!) so I think it’s most important for the two of you to sit down and talk about it, maybe once, maybe a few times, until you can come to something that works for both of you. 

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