Post # 1
Before writing my concern I just want to say thank you to everyone for you advice. I am clearly at a crossroads with my realtionship with numerous ups and downs and I am grateful for all your opinions and thoughts while I try to work through this. It is very helpful to get somebody else’s take on it. it’s hard to forest for the tree’s sometimes.
Anyway, things have been great for the last week. He is passive aggressive which I am really doing my homework on and trying to figure out. so everything came to a head last week and I think we are on the right track now.
I am looking into councelling for us.
while we were airing out our issues he said he is always afraid I will leave so he feels he kind of pushes me away thinking it going to happen anyway,
He mentioned that on one of the days last week he saw me backed into the parking spot and he thought I was moving out.
No, he didn’t stop. he kept driving and went back to work (he must have been out on an errand) then I met up with him after (his daughter had a soccer day for school at the local fields. I’d been there on and off all day, he went after work) were he was sitting with his other daughter, ex wife and ex mother-in-law. which we normally do. he thinks it’s healthy for his kids to see us all sit together. I am not comfortable with it but I deal with it.
soooo. he thinks I am leaving. he doesn’t stop, he doesn’t text. he goes to work then to soccer.
He says if I don’t want to be with him he isn’t going to make me stay. .. fair enough but how about I love you so much I can’t bare to watch you walk out of my life!
I didn’t leave that day. just backed in.
I am feeling like he isn’t really that into me. am I over reading into this? Or am I kidding myself that he deeply loves me?
he has asked me what engagment rings I like months ago but he is passive aggressive and runs hot and cold. One minute he says he wants to spend his life wuth me the next he says he isn’t sure we should be together.
not sure what the heck to think!!
Post # 3
Aww hun!! First of all –> *hugs*
I think that you have better chances of finding someone whom you click with the way you want to. There are guys out there who will want to keep you.
If he is scared you will leave him, his subconscious mind will work really hard to make that fear come true. It’s known to happen.
If you do not have really strong feelings for him, or if you have just been together recently, then please go out there and date some more men. I think that will put things in perspective for you.
Post # 4
sorry to hear about you situation….
sending you good vibes your way and lots of hugs…
Now for the advice part- please don’t let him take you down on his misery train…you have so much to offer someone who will appreciate you and love you…also realize that he has children and a man with children (if he’s a good man) will always put his children first…trust me I know…99.9% of my previous relationships were with men with children and one day my older brother sat me down and basically made me realize that I was dating men that would never put me first, and that I deserved to be put first, therefore I am telling you the same. Never settle for being 2nd best in anyways life. Please, before the point of no return…you should just walk away…run away more like it…it will only get worse…he seems like he is on self-destruct mode and you don’t need to be in a toxic environment…
Hope I didn’t come off as preachy…but every girl deserves her prince and he doesn’t seem to be your prince….
Post # 5
Hugs to you!
Here’s a perspective from HIS point of view: He is afraid you will leave him because you are doing something wrong and not making him feel secure. I know what he’s thinking. I used to be the same way with men. I would push them away before they had a chance to leave me. But why did I feel that way? I mean, I’m happy and safe in a healthy relationship now, so why was I feeling this way then? Because the man made me. He was either distant, cold, confusing or hurtful. Guess what? He wasn’t distant, cold, confusing or hurtful. He was just not a perfect match for me!
Many of those men went on to marry or find another woman and are happy now. As I am happy now. But they were definitely wrong for me. What I saw as flaws (and didn’t hesitate to point out to them) were usually met with “What the hell are you talking about? You know I love you!” But the way they showed me love was not enough. They made me feel insecure because we clashed. Our personalities clash. I was never afraid with my fiance now. He never made me feel like he put me at a distance, was never cold, confusing nor hurtful. I was able to relax and believe him when he told me he loved him and now we are engaged.
So what I’m trying to tell you is that if your fiance has a flaw, it’s insecurity and not enough courage to just tell you: “You make me feel x. I dno’t want to feel x. I want to feel y.” Instead, he pushes you away and hopes that you will soon leave him because he’d rather that, then saying that statement out loud to you.
I hope this helps.
You have to now choose if you are strong enough to walk away and find someone more compatible with you, or if you if feel like you can stay and nurture this guy long term. Give him way more TLC than is necessary and constantly hear him either put you or himself down. What he really wants to do is find someone compatible with him. He just dosen’t want to take the blame for being the one who leaves first.
Post # 6
Aw, I’m really sorry. That kind of sounds like borderline personality disorder to me. Passive-aggressiveness and blaming you to guilt-trip you into staying with him and caring for him, then turning around and pouting “I don’t need you” are typical signs. He might not have the full disorder, but there’s some of it there. Definitely go see a psychologist, or leave. Your life will not be easy with this man. Sorry…
Post # 7
Thanks for your in put, just read your thoughts.
He is a shy guy with a chip on his shoulder about his father never really being there for him, his close friend left town and doesn’t maintain a relationship and then his marriage from when he was young fell apart after 14 years which he claims was mutual but I think that is his pride speaking. I think he has major pride issue’s!! and I really think she didn’t want to be with him anymore.
I guess I get caught in the “a realtionship is work kind of thing” and struggle with quiting to easy verse being a fool and holding onto an unhealthy reltionship.
He says he loves me. he texts we through the day periodically sending me xo’s. or telling me he loves me. he buys me thoughful gifts were most guys often don’t really pay attention to you he will remember something I said I loved months before and do something sweet with it. I have asked him if he thinks we are together for convience or if he thinks we aren’t well suited and he cries at the thought of me leaving and says no. he truly loves me and wants me by his side forever!!
He is 41 and I am his 2nd longest relationship 1.5 years his one prior to me was just over a year. they never lived together, it was very off and on and she was crazy!!!! used to email me weird emails!! he finally to her to get lost it a not so nice way!!
He said he was like this in his first marriage too but she is a nice girl who is a great door mat and would never say anything to him when we sulked or withrew. she just left him alone for days on end until he got over it.
so, I hear what you are saying. and maybe you’re right about him thinking he really doesn’t think i’m the one and it’s easier if he makes me want to leave… but he sure is sending me mixed signals if thats the case!!
so confused!! where is the easy button!! : )
Post # 8
I sure wish there was an “easy” button for relationships what a great idea. I know of someone who is borderline and I have to agree with a PP – it’s possible he’s got some of those tendances. I just don’t think he’s trying to make you leave. I think he just has issues.
So sorry you’re going through this. Getting through these men and their baggage can be quite trying!!!
Post # 9
@tlr: I’m so sorry. There doesn’t seem to be an easy button. There’s always a lot of work to do in a relationship, but sometimes that work is realistic and sometimes it isn’t. In this case, what you’re telling confirms what I said in my previous post. What’s going on here is beyond the simple “work” you can do with him. He has to see someone, or you should leave him for your own sake. I’ve seen a lot of relationships like this, and they rarely end well unless the person with the problems actually goes to get help. I’m so sorry!!! Unfortunately psychological issues can be major and can affect the people we really love. They can definitely be treated! You just have to let the trained person do it. Good luck!