Post # 1
You still have not met your FI’s friends? I have met his family and best friend, but the other 99% of his friends are a mystery. Granted, we were in a long distance relationship for the first 8 years, but he has still met all of my friends (even people I only see about 1x a year). How would you guys feel if this was the case? He says that I can be mistrustful, but I am trying to tell him the reason I might seem this way is because he does a lot of shady things:
1. Takes his phone everywhere, even to the bathroom. He’s super protective of it and wants in back immediately if he hands it to me to read something.
2. Sometimes I just can’t get a hold of him, his phone will go to VM, or it will ring a ton or whatever and most of the times he will say, it ran out of battery, I didn’t get reception, I didn’t hear it ring.
3. When he’s out and I give him a call, if he does answer, it’s usually in a bathroom.
4. As stated above, I haven’t met his friends. Best case scenario, he just compartmentalizes the hell out of his life. Even if that’s the case, it doesn’t make me feel very good.
What would you guys think if you ran into this type of situation. Would you all be suspicious as well?
Post # 3
I personally would find it very suspicious. I know all of my SOs friends and he knows all of mine. The fact he is taking his phone everywhere is also suspicious. My ex did this and I later found out he was cheating on me. I’m not saying he is cheating, but something isn’t right.
Post # 4
im protective of my phone and i have nothing to hide, and i also never answer my phone. i genuinly dont hear it or im in the loo.
That being said my ex was protective of his phone and he was cheating on me, i had never met any of his friends either and after the relationship ended i think it was because his friends might have let the cat out of the bag about his cheating. We were together for 4 years.
I dont think your points above always mean something is up but 10 years is quite a long time not to be introduced to people. maybe speak to him and say you would like to get to know his friends and introduce yourself.
Post # 5
I don’t think each thing taken in isolation is necessarily suspicious. However, there is a reason you are feeling distrustful and I would not ignore that.
Post # 6
I find it really really REALLY odd that you havent met alot of people in his life.
Within a month of dating my FI i met all his family and friends. If you are important, and these people are important, why wouldn’t he want you to meet?
Post # 7
I think the combined nature of these problems would make me very uncomfortable. I think the fact that you have mentioned this is a concern and he belittled your feelings is a bad sign as well.
Generally, I believe that we have intuition for a reason. If you feel something is wrong, it probably is.
Post # 8
I find all of it together to be suspicious. Protective of your phone in and of itself doesn’t necessarily make me suspicious, but all of them together seem to be a little strange. I think the oddest is not meeting any of the friends….does he go out with them a lot without you? Or are these people he might speak to on the phone but doesn’t ever see? If it’s the first I find it strange you haven’t met them yet, especially if it hasn’t been LDR for 2 years now. Do you only go out with just the two of you but he never invites you along with his friends?
FWIW, SO is not proective of his phone whatsoever, and neither am I.
Post # 9
I think all of it together is a little suspect. But more importantly, you don’t trust him. And you’ve known him for 10 years. There is probably a really good reason for that.
Post # 10
@kes18: He will talk or text to them occassionally. From what I gather, they are friends who basically just talk about sports for the most part. I think it’s weird because he has met their gfs/wives and they have not met me. He says there is no reason for this, only that he has to set something up (like a dinner or something). I don’t know why this has to be the case, he can just let me tag along to a game that they are going to watch or something, just so I can be like “oh hey nice to meet you”. It’s weird because he’s been to Malta with a group of friends, and going to Green Bay to see a football game this sunday (though he’s leaving on friday). Anyways, like you guys are saying, any one of these things and I can chalk it up to just weirdness, but all these things together make me feel paranoid. I don’t think he’s doing anything behind my back, but if he was, it wouldn’t surprise me either because, hellooooo red flags.
Post # 11
@Pixie79: You dated for eight years long distance? Wow.
Have you tried talking about how his bahavior makes you feel? The phone thing sounds suspicious I have to say.
Does he see these friends a lot? I haven’t met the majority of my bf’s friends, but he only sees them every month or two, or even less. I don’t see it as weird or anything.. I really have no interest in meeting people that he only considers acquaintances. He spends most of his free time w. me (we’re both homebodies) so I have no issue when he goes for a few hours to have wings and beer with his old coworkers.
Post # 12
@canarydiamond: No, he’s good friends with these folks. He was in one guy’s wedding party and he’s been friends with a few of them for years and years now.
Post # 13
Well, next time he is going to meet them can you just tell him you’d like to come along because you want to meet everyone? Tell him it’s important to you. I mean, if he acts strange about it then and still acts like he doesn’t want you to go, I would definitely be bothered.
Post # 14
For me this would be a bunch of RED FLAGS !!
But then again I had a GF who dated a guy for several years… they even were engaged… Who on paper looked like an upstanding guy (Doctor) but turned out he was leading a double-life (the kind that comes with a Wife & Kids in another city)
When she found out she flipped out… sad story actually, she had a breakdown because of it.
And this was a smart strong woman… also a Dr. She couldn’t believe she was duped. Her self-esteem took a real nose dive.
It does sound to me like your guy has something he isn’t being open and honest about… possibly hiding.
It is one thing to be protective of WHERE one’s phone is… another to be “unavailable”… a third to only take calls in a Bathroom… a 4th that you don’t know his friends… 10 years is a long time let this go on / be in the dark etc etc etc
Too many RED FLAGS flying at the same time, IMO
EDIT TO ADD – In a normal situation, Men are creatures that LOVE to show off the women they are dating to their friends and family. They want EVERYONE to know how great a gal they’ve found. They want people to fall in love with you… to see how lucky they are to have such an AMAZING woman in their lives. That is what men do. What your guy is doing is so opposite to that, it gives me pause to wonder WHY.
In my own case I had met the majority of Mr TTR’s friends & family within a month or so, by 6 months, he had met all of mine (we are from different Provinces originally), and we had even taken a vacation in the summer, to travel a good distance so that I could meet other folks who are important to him, as they didn’t live in our immediate area.
Post # 15
I guess I would ask why it’s taken you 10 years to ask yourself these questions?
Post # 16
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
DH did this for 6 months and I was ready to kill him over it! (while he was ring shopping for my surprise porposal) Honest to god, the idea of him cheating on me never crossed my mind, but I couldn’t figure out why he was being so secretive and it was ticking me off enough that I was getting ready to have “a talk” with him over it.
His being so defensive about it is a red flag for me, but the only way you can know for sure is if you can communicate with him; and if he’s not willing to do that, then he isn’t someone you should be spending the rest of your life with.
I think you need to have a heart-to-heart sit down with him and explain how this behavior makes you feel; either he can accept it and make a change, or explain to you WHY he does these things. But it’s clear that you’re not comfortable with the situation (your motives for those feelings are irrelvent here!) and he needs to do something to fix it. This is not the kind of scenario you want to start a marriage in.