- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
I have never heard of doing this and that is why I am asking what others would think if they got this type of invitation.
An invite came for a wedding across the country. You read it and it is for a cake and punch style reception following the ceremony....not the bad part yet. You debate the cost of the trip and realize it will cost a few hundred to go to the trip but think you might do it. Then when at a friends house you see their invitation sitting out. It looks 100% different and it is for a seated dinner following the other said events. It was for the exact same wedding and the friend is invited to all three things and you are not invited to the wedding. Then you start talking to other friends and realize that their is def two differnt parties that this person picked for. Would you be offended? Would you still send a gift? I can't think of why you would have the cake reception and a dinner reception with different set of guests. I get the money thing but shouldn't you just not invite people to the cake part if you couldn't afford for the dinner part? Especially, when most of these people have to travel from around the country.....so they should spend several hundred to go to your wedding and you can't extend a dinner to them? Then don't invite them is all I think.
Or is this something normal for different parts of the country? I am not 100% bashing I am just stunned and confused as to why someone would do this.
I don't know that I would go. I'd probably at least still send a card though. And I guess the level to which I was offended would depend on my closeness to the couple and my friend's closeness for comparison. I agree though, I'm not bashing anyone, but I would prefer it if the couple would just not invite people at all if they can only afford to have them at the cake and punch reception when there's also a dinner reception. Or have a reception with heavy apps, cake, and punch and invite everyone. In my head it almost feels like ranking guests I guess.
I personally wouldn't go all the way across the country just for a reception, even if I got invited to a dinner reception. I think the one exception I would make is if it were for a very dear friend I hadn't seen in ages who made it extremely clear to me that they wanted a very tiny family-only ceremony.
I honestly have never heard of this. I would say if you can't feed them all, after they traveled so far and spent so much to get there, then you need to rethink either the food or the invite. That's just me though and I come from a very traditional wedding town (unfortunately).
I wouldn't go but would send a card. I just don't understand brides that do that. Everybody I invite is invited to ALL of the wedding events. I can't pick and chose and expect people to travel for only parts of the wedding.
I've heard of cake and punch receptions but not before a sit down dinner. Clearly, they are doing this as a money saving thing if they invited some friends to part and some to the entire thing. I would not go at all but just said a card and smaller gift.
If I had to travel more than maybe an hours car ride, I wouldn't go and just send a card. I wouldn't do the separate receptions myself, but I've heard it suggested here when a bride was really having guest list troubles (like with a big church or something). In certain cases, it's a reasonable solution, but that's usually when all the people going to the cake/punch reception are local aquaintances. I would never ask someone to travel far and then only invite them to the second-tier party.
I definitely wouldn't be going out of my way to travel, and pick a nice gift out when I'm only invited to the 'b league' cake reception. I think that's rude, but that's just me. Maybe just send a 'congratulations' card?
I would be offended that I was a "B" list guest that didn't get to attend all of the festivities. Thanks, but no thanks.
I'd think it's pretty lame. I might still send a gift, but not a pricey one. As to whether I'd go or not, it really depends how much fun I think I'd have, who I'd see, where and when, etc.
I don't like this. lol
I would just send a card. I couldn't imagine inviting someone from across the country, no matter how close I was to them, and not inviting them to the seated dinner.
That is disappointing. I, too, would not attend and just send a card.
I personally wouldn't go if I found all that out. I agree with your thought process, at first thinking that maybe you'd go just for the cake reception even though it was expensive to get there, but then once you realized there was a 'real' party which you didn't make the cut for, I'd definitley be offended and not go or send a gift. I would take it as a gift grab and be offended since the couple should have known that you would find out about the other party and have hurt feelings. Clearly they didn't care enough to think that through and make a different decision about your invite status.
Mrs. Oyster blogged about this happening to her. I don't think she traveled accross country for the wedding in question, but she showed up to the reception only to hear from other guests "What a beautiful ceremony!" and realized she hadn't actually been invited to that part while other guests had been.
Had I thought it was just a cake & punch reception and it was someone close enough then I probably would have gone.Then to find out there IS a dinner reception and I wasn't invited. When clearly we would have to spend some dough to make the wedding. Not like it's a 1hr drive away! I will NOT go.
I will probably send a card and that's it.
That's kinda insulting.
And gosh, how can your friend not think you would find out there is in fact a dinner reception?
I would think "RUDE!"...and I would definitely not go! I would not waste the time, and money, to be B listed. I would send no gift, but maybe a card.
How about not going and sending her a book on wedding etiquette and bookmarking the portion that goes along with your situation?
Yikes, I would think it was incredibly rude.
I have to admit we had people invited to only after the dinner part. But it was more associates than friends, people who we'd like to celebrate with since they were close by but weren't that close of friends - some of my FIL's business people came, some of my BIL friends came, some of my friends in college that I didn't keep in touch with afterwards but lived a short train ride away from my IL house (where the reception was). But people who I was closer with but they were farther away and we didn't have room for them at dinner I did not invite. I would have felt terrible for people to travel that far and only be able to invite them to part of the day.
On a side note besides a few trinkets that my FIL business associates got us, no one else invited to the after dinner part got us a gift.
Wow this sucks. I think it's pretty inconsiderate to expect people to travel so far without providing them dinner. That's a little ridiculous if you ask me.
She invited you to fly across the country to attend the after party but not the ceremony. Unless the real invitation got lost in the mail, that's just stupid. It might even be too stupid to make it to rude.
I just wanted to clarify this happened to my mom today and I was annoyed because I had never heard of anything. I would have been PISSED if it was me though and didn't find out until at the wedding. Like really how do you handle that on the day of. Everyone that has a dinner please enter this room those of you that don't can go home? Plus like others said how do you think people aren't gonna find out when they are all friends and of course talk and go to their houses.
I wouldn't go just for cake and punch, unless there was another reason to go, i.e. to see family, or to center it around a vacation to see other things around that part of the country. I would send a card though if you decide not to go.
Ditto what Moderndaisy said. IMO, THIS is EXACTLY why the whole idea of "ceremony only" invites will NEVER work. If you cannot afford to invite someone to the ENTIRE event, then you don't invite them at all. Doing what was done to you, aside from being incredibly rude, is also incredibly risky. The couple is at risk for being caught. They are at risk for hurting their friends' feelings. They are at risk for coming off as an inconsiderate, thoughtless, jerks.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. To expect you to pay to travel all that way only to discover that you weren't even invited to the real reception? No way, I wouldn't go. Don't send a gift or a card. She doesn't deserve it. She's incredibly rude and hurtful. Shame on her.
@troubled:wait, so you're saying it's rude, but then you did it too?
i think it's rude whether the people have to travel or not.
Its gonna be really awkward at the wedding when the punch-only people realize there is a dinner afterwards and they are not invited...
Hell no I would not go. That is so Dam rude!!!!!!!!!!!!! at least ensure that people don't see others invites.
I had a friend I worked with . She invited me and few co-worker to her bach party and Bridal Shower. I brought a gift and I was never invited to the wedding!!!!!!!! OMG serious that is so tacky. It I would have known I would not have gone, and to top things off she never mentioned that she wasn't not even inviting us to her actual wedding.
AMEN @ KitKatNYC! I'd love to be a fly on the wall when that happens. Can you say "awkward?"
The thing I don't understand the most about the whole "inviting a guest to only part of the wedding" thing, is that those who do it, do so under the premise that they don't want to hurt their guests feelings by not inviting them at all. Um, HELLO! It's pretty much a guaranteed way to hurt and embarrass your guests! I don't see why anyone would do it.
ETA: I'm curious as to what any bride and groom would respond with should any of their guests discover what's really going on and say something about it. What does one even say in that situation? That's why it's best to avoid it alltogether.
I would not be offended. Why should I, I mean it is her party and she can do whatever she wants.
She obviously don't think of you as good of a friend as you think of her and that is well within her right.
I would simply see if she is good enough of a friend of mine for me to travel to her event, and not whether she invited me to one party but not to another.
I agree that the gift of a nice book on etiquette is in order. I hope she gets plenty of them.
I AM inviting people I know can't come. But they will be invited to everything. Admittedly, the rehearsal dinner will be limited to close friends and family, but that's standard.
I know that in some locations there is a standard of inviting people only to the ceremony and not to the reception, but to actually have TWO receptions? Classless. I mean seriously. Especially if the sit down dinner is AFTER dessert. Um, hello? Dessert follows dinner. No brainer people. And exactly how will they handle the guests who just decide to go to the dinner anyway? I would TOTALLY crash a dinner in this case. There is no polite way to ask someone who just attended your ceremony and mini-reception to get the heck out because the sit down dinner is for "better people" now. I can't believe someone actually thought this was ok...sad. Just really sad.
PS-If I were you I would write on her Facebook wall: "Hey so I see you're having two receptions. I'm curious how you chose who would go to which reception? I see that we're invited to the cake and punch reception but not the dinner. Just wanna make sure on that since we'll be flying across country to attend and all. Poke me back."
Public humiliation is a great learning tool.
@MightySapphire: I totally agree! And love your idea of writing on her facebook wall! Though I don't think I would have the guts to do it. I would probably just write her an email instead.
i think I would just RSVP no and send a card. That's VERY odd. We are having a destination wedding and since we can't afford a huge wedding we are keeping it small and just not inviting people that we don't have room for. It's tough but that's just how it goes. I would be offended if they asked me to go to a cake/punch reception when others were going to a regular dinner.
MightySapphire, I love the way you write! Couldn't have said it better myself.
@kitzy: Yup that's exactly what I'm saying, that's why I said it 
. Perhaps people thought it was rude but everyone who we invited for just dancing came and danced and drank and was very merry.
In my opinion what we did was different. We never made people believe we weren't having a dinner and we didn't invite people for just dancing that lived from far away. Since the reception was at my IL house (they have a beautiful garden) they wanted to invite some of their friends that we don't know over and see what they'd done. Like I said it was mainly my FIL and BIL inviting people to dance afterwards, and I mentioned it to a few people who I knew who lived nearby. I think there's a huge difference between inviting people who have to buy a plane ticket and stay in a hotel vs people not really having to go out of their way.
@Nola: I would never make that trip for cake and punch. No way, Jose!
I only read SOME of these responses, but I have to say - I must be rude and have no etiquette. I am having a cake and punch reception for all guests, and then we are taking immediate family only (parents and siblings) and bridal party members to dinner at a restaurant.
DITTO @ Sapph.
This is absurd!! TOTALLY a gift grab. There is absolutely no excuse for this. I would most certainly call her out on her incredible lack of class/tact/decency and would not even consider attending. A card from the 99 cent store may even be too much. Good grief.
@littlemissmango: I have to say I'm a little offended, which doesn't happen easily. I am definitely not inviting people for a "gift grab". I am inviting family members of my FI who I have never met, and who will have to travel, but I just can't afford to feed them dinner. Apparently I lack class, tact and decency? Hm.
I wouldnt be bitter about it....but I definately would NOT go. If i have to go cross country I better be an A-list guest!! Two receptions is crazy....and leaves the potential of hurting A LOT of peoples' feelings...because everyone WILL find out that there was both receptions....so I would send a card...and thats about it.
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| MissBoPeep | 48 |
| rachgirl82 | 39 |
| pengoala | 38 |
| Sunfire | 23 |
| Beckster329 | 22 |
| Future Army Wife | 20 |
| Mrs. Meowerson | 19 |
| KatNYC2011 | 18 |
| couawilou | 18 |
| beargoose | 18 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| MissBoPeep | 34 |
| Mrs. Meowerson | 17 |
| hisgoosiegirl | 15 |
| KatNYC2011 | 12 |
| pengoala | 11 |
| sweetpea87 | 11 |
| beargoose | 10 |
| DaneLady | 8 |
| akp0702 | 7 |
| pineapplelove | 5 |
