Post # 1
Am I old fashioned?
I was first exposed to the idea of a prospective bride knowing everything about her engagement with my best friend. She picked her ring out, detail for detail. She knew when it was ready, where it was being kept and was given a timeline of when the proposal would happen. I didn’t judge them for this, but was extremely confused by all of it! She’s much more analytical whereas I’m more of a romantic, but still. Don’t women want to be surprised anymore?
As for the arguement of the woman having to choose her ring b/c she will be wearing it, I agree – to an extent! My FI knew my likes, dislikes and style. He had seen pictures and spoke to my mother and best friend. My mother offered him her diamond which I had seen and told him I liked that idea, but he didn’t let on as to what he was going to do. And you know what? It’s completely perfect b/c HE created something that was totally me without me having to point it out to him. That means more to me than the ring itself.
Also, I didn’t see it coming. I mean, after 3 years and many conversations you always feel its around the corner, but he really got me when my guard was down. That element of surprise and the my reaction would totally have been compromised if I knew I had picked out a ring a couple months or weeks prior and I was just sitting around waiting for him to give it to me.
Again, this is just me. I’ve never heard of this before and I’m not judging anyone, just curious: if you were directly involved in your ring and your engagement, why did you choose to go about it that way? Any particular reason?
Post # 2
BurlapnLace: I used to think similar to you until people I know IRL had a hand in their engagement and before I came here to the Bee. I always thought the surprise was the end all be all of it! While, like you, I still wouldn’t want to pick out my ring or know when my proposal was coming, I do sort of get the other side of the coin a bit more now.
Post # 3
BurlapnLace: some people do not enjoy being surprised, especially when concerning something that affects their life so greatly. Insisting on a surprise would have stressed me out and made me feel like i was lacking any say in something important to me. We dont surprise eachother by making major decisions unilaterally and then informing the other unexpextedly anywhere else in life, so why start with the ring/engagement?
And you know what? By understanding this fact about me and that I place zero value on “surprises,” my husband created an engagement situation that was perfect for ME. That means more to me than the ring does too.
Post # 4
Some people don’t like surprises. All of my family knows if they ever threw me a surprise party I would disown them- no joke. And why should the guy get to hold all the cards in a proposal?
Post # 5
I picked out my ring but never saw it in person, basically just gave FI pictures of what I wanted and what specs I would like. We also had a rough timeline sketched out (I always wanted to get married in fall and wanted a long engement so I could enjoy the process) so I knew a general timeframe that it was going to happen. I’m super type A planner so I needed to have a general timeframe and I don’t do well with big surprises lol. Anyway Once we got close to that timeframe there was no living with me, I think I asked him every day if he got my ring yet. I think he ended up telling me more than he wanted to just because I was so impatient. I also knew a couple of our friends were planning on popping the question and I didn’t want them to be super close together (so we could each enjoy having the spot lite for a few weeks at least) so I was super aware of that. At the end of the day though he totally surprised me with the purposal and it was perfect Even though I knew it was coming.
Post # 6
- Wedding: June 2015 - Dreams Las Mareas - Costa Rica
I am a “waiting” bee… I picked out my ring… and i know its going to happen proabbly next month… i kind of think i even figured out the exact day…lol…
but i am still so excited and have a ton of butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it. (I dont know why, but i am truly enjoying this feeling like a giddy school girl…lol)
I guess the “how” he does it and romantic words he uses on that day will be a surprise.. but other than that.. im enjoying the build up… kind of like sex… you know the climax is coming.. you dont know how powerful its going to be tho…lol.. but every minute waiting for it to happen is still enjoyable…
hope no one is offended by my sex reference…lol
Post # 7
polyblonde: This exactly! My FI always jokes that all other major life decsisions are made by couples together, why would you not get your partners input on something so huge like the purposal?! We seriously don’t understand guys who insist on not letting their SO have a say in their ring, they are setting themselves up for disappointment.
Post # 8
BWLE: 100% agree!! I pretty much try to avoid surprises in any and all important areas of life.
BurlapnLace: also about being old fashioned, no, I think you are still squarely modern in your views. Old fashioned would still probably involve being surprised, but it would be surprise over learning the outcome of your marital future after it was arranged and negotiated by your father.
Post # 9
The only surprises about my proposal were that he all of a sudden brought up ring shopping one Sunday and that the proposal itself happened about 3 weeks earlier than I had planned because the jeweler was able to rush my ring sizing. I went with FI and picked it out and watched him pay for it. He told me that he didn’t trust himself to pick it out (even with a picture, which was good because I tried on what I THOUGHT I loved, and ended up hating it!), and we both had discussed marriage ad nauseum so I knew it was coming anyway. It’s a big life decision, so I’m glad I was included in it.
Post # 10
BWLE: I can understand someone not being surprised, that makes sense. My FI almost knocked out one of his friends at his 30th b’day b/c he told the waiter and they made a big scene. It was a Japanese steakhouse, so gongs and silly hats, the whole nine. He haaaates that!!
To clarify, we definitely made the decision together informally. We decided we wanted to marry each other well before he asked me and like I said in the OP, he asked me for ideas and what I liked and didn’t like, so it didn’t come out of left field entirely. I agree, it’s a huge life decision. I just didn’t know he was going to ask when he did.
Post # 11
- Wedding: October 2014 - Disney
The whole surprise proposal is actually a relatively new idea. Engagements were marraige contracts in the past. I dont want to be surprised with the idea of marraige I want to know we are 100% on the same page because to me engagement is the same thing as being married. My husband knew that going in. He also knew I was super picky, and that I knew a lot more about stones than he did.
Post # 12
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
Why wouldn’t I be involved in such an expensive purchase and monumental life decision?
Post # 13
“but it would be surprise over learning the outcome of your marital future after it was arranged and negotiated by your father.” Hahaha, yes.
Post # 14
I think the proposal reflects the couple; some couples want the surprise, others do not. In my case, I did not want to be surprised.
Post # 14
I don’t find any romance in a man surprising you with an engagement ring. We’re choosing to spend our lives together, we’re a team and we make decisions together.. Why would our engagement be any different? We don’t make any other life decisions without consulting each other, it hardly makes it less romantic.
I quite enjoyed choosing a ring with my then- boyfriend and having a proposal that was unique to both of us. It was very romantic and more importantly, a joint decision.