Post # 1
Hey, ladies! So I’m in a pickle and have no idea what to do! I apologize if I’m all over the place with this and for it being long!
I left my husband on September 16 due to a fight we had and he ended up throwing a water bottle at me (full), yelled at my face, his mother wrapped my sweater around my neck to choke me, and his brother who is my age(21) threatened to knock my teeth in and charged at me. We lived with his family. He ALWAYS put his family before his me, lied to me for three years about him doing weed(I’m not into it at ALL, no offense to anyone that does it), I moved from NY to MI to be with him, changed schools and everything. He NEVER came to NY with me to see my family, even for a weekend. We were married for only 14 months and I went to NY maybe 6-7 times while married. Well, we’ve been talking since I left(of course I called him first, I’m really soft) and told him he has to do a lot to get me back. First being get a job(he works for his daddy for 15 years and never got paid a day in his life until I came along and told his dad me and him are our own family now and since my husband is too chicken to leave daddy and find a new job, his ass better get paid. After I said that, he agreed but of course he paid my husband when he felt like paying him and my husband never stuck up for himself.) Then he had to move the f*#& out of his damn parents house and take his name off every bill they put his name on without his permission. They ruined my husbands credit because they would put his name on the bill and NEVER pay them. He NEVER did anyyyyy of that so I left, I was sick of it. My sister called the cops for me (I had no family in MI and I called her when I ran upstairs when him and his family were attacking me). She called them so they can help me leave since they weren’t letting me.
Rewind to now, my husband is on the phone HYSTERICALLY crying about how he was wrong, bla bla bla. He never admitted he was wrong and he’s a liar so I don’t know if I take his words as truths or lies. He started saying he doesn’t know how to read and write(he isn’t very good at either but he can do it, he’s just super lazy like his idiot brother cause mommy dearest spoiled the hell out of them) and he can never get a normal job because of it. He starts saying he doesnt deserve to live and stuff and I told him he needs therapy because that’s just not normal. I told him if he fixes himself and gets off weed, gets a job, and moves out, then I will come back, but his family will always be his family and I can not staaaaaaaandddd that! He doesn’t deserve me, not to sound conceited, but he doesn’t. I’m back in NY with my family now and everyone says I’m much happier looking here.
What do I do?! Do I go back and give him another chance since this IS a marriage and I took him through good and bad? Or do I just deal with the fact that he will never change?
I also feel bad that he will be 31 and have to basically start his life all over again and I feel soo guilty(find a gf, wife, etc.) Maybe I am just speaking with a soft heart and not a strong head? I’m sooooo confused! Please help? 🙁 (Please be nice, too!)
Post # 3
The behavior you are describing is abuse from him. Also his family abused you as well! Who does that? I don’t think it is in your best interest to get back together with him. When they say better or worse I think the vows mean loss of a job, depression, but not physical and verbal abuse. I have to say at 31 the chance of him changing for you is very slim. You don’t get into a relationship or marriage with someone expecting them to change.
Post # 4
@PinkL: You are not his saviour, you will not “fix” him or change him. If at almost 31 he cannot stand up against his family for you and let them phyiscally abuse you, then no, he doesn’t deserve a second chance.
Get out now whilst you still can with the least amount of baggage possible.
Post # 5
Pleading with the victim, promises to change and threats of self harm are all part of the abuse cycle. He does not mean a word of it. Abusers don’t change, even with therapy, it’s very rare for one to make genuine changes.
ITA with Tickles, you are not his savior.
You managed to get out under your own steam, rather than in a body bag. Be grateful.
Please don’t even consider going back to these toxic people.
Post # 6
No. You deserve to be happy. I don’t see how getting back together with him will help lead you in that direction.
Post # 7
@PinkL: be happy that you are out of there. that sounded like a nightmare. stay away and live the life that you deserve. i know marriage is one thing but abusive is another. get a divorce and start fresh. seriously, you deserve so much more.
Post # 8
Please DO NOT go back to him, under any circumstances. They will kill you.
Post # 9
You really ought to give yourself the chance to be happy in this lifetime and stop worrying about his chances.
Post # 10
@PinkL: Do not, under any circumstances, go back to that house. Not unless you have an armed guard, well-trained guard dogs, and a lawyer present.
From what you said, you are INCREDIBLY lucky to have gotten out of there without being seriously injured or killed.
Only you can decide what to do from here. . . but, since you asked for advice, here’s what I would do:
1. Stop promising to come back if he makes those changes. He won’t and, if he does, it won’t be a permanent change and you will be back in this same situation over and over again.
2. Stop communicating with the asshole and his family. If he calls, don’t pick up or have someone answer for you to say that you aren’t interested in talking anymore.
3. Hire a divorce attorney and get a copy of the police report. I would highly recommend filing charges against him and his family as well.
Seriously, do not believe a word he says. He lied to you before, put his family before you, and allowed them to abuse you. He doesn’t deserve trust or compassion. Divorce his ass right now and be grateful that there aren’t any children involved.
Post # 11
Please do not return to that situation, no good came come from it. I agree with everything the bees have said, and I hope you do to. He is an abuser who also stood by and watched his family harm you, this is not ok.
Post # 12
I’m so sorry that this has happened to you. I personally, don’t feel that he will change. It sounds as if he was just trying to say the right things to win you back.
And also, don’t feel bad about him having to start his life over again. He was the one that put himself in this situation, and he wouldn’t have to do that had he thought about his actions (his family included, ugh).
Post # 13
“Hire a divorce attorney and get a copy of the police report. I would highly recommend filing charges against him and his family as well.”
Yup. They all belong in jail.
Post # 14
@PinkL: I used to have a boyfriend who was in to pot. I found out, and wanted to leave. He assured me he could quit, etc etc. no, he just became better at hiding it. His own father told me the extent of his drug issues, 5 years into our relationship. I would have left years ago – he could have been who he wanted to be. But he chose instead to lie, and when I found out the truth, I called it off and have never looked back. He was also very dependant on his dad – his dad does, and pays for everything.
you have to weigh it up – can you honestly see him leaving the comforts of home, to be independant? He’s currently working a job he doesn’t even get paid for. It’s obvious he is enabled by his parents. He can continue doing what he’s doing with no real consequence.
he, and his family are abusive. He on his own will still be abusive. You have to seriously ask yourself – is this what you signed up for? If he never changes, will you be ok with that?
i know these are some hard questions to answer, but at the end of the day, you do deserve better – you deserve to be happy, loved and looked after. Just because you are married, it doesn’t mean you have to hang around and deal with poor treatment. An abuser knows all the right things to say to win you over again and again, but rarely will they change for the better.
i wish you all the best.
Post # 15
Thank you, ladies! I appreciate the support and comments.
I totally knew the what you ladies were going to say because I agree with all of you, I just wanted to see if there were people out there who were for me going back. of course his lies go way beyond what I explained and although it will be super tough to not go back, I’m sure it’s better to be upset for a few months/years then be happy rather then be miserable the rest of my life. I guess it’s just the guilt I feel that I will not give him the family he wanted right away. But I just need to suck it up. Wish me luck 🙁 and thank you again!