Post # 1
So, my fiance and I got engaged and finally have our wedding planned for September 2011. In that time I am trying to keep myself from being a bridezilla by meditation and well you know venting on here.
My FSIL announced her Vow Renewal to be held this March (suspiciously two weeks after we were engaged) since then I feel like she has been constantly putting down my wedding. For instance, she has critisized my budget (too high even though I am having more people in the wedding than her and therefore have to pay a bit more for food), the venue (too expensive) and the fact that I have a wedding planner (in her opinion all they want to do is get me to spend more. ) She has prided herself in being frugal while making me seem like an heiress, despite the fact that I am looking for discounts but still keeping the wedding as elegant as I can make it. I feel like I am in competition with her and it is making me sick.I have tried to stay away from the subject of the weddings because I don’t know what is her deal with critisizing our wedding but we can talk about the weather and boom* back to weddings. I then listen to her talk about her wedding and stay cordial but last week she brought it round to my wedding. I know to keep some facts hidden so I just talk about what kind of flowers. She found a way to critisize them. (Oh, don’t you think that purple and green may be a bit…bright for Fall? Are you sure that those flowers would be classic enough? I am doing red and I think that is the perfect color!)
Another huge thing is we are not having kids in the wedding but that doesn’t deter her from trying to get her sons in the wedding party. I made it clear that there was only going to be one kid in the wedding as a ring bearer, my brother and after that he was going to go to be babysat. She said “Well my son is the groom’s nephew.” Yeah, and my ring bearer is the bride’s brother, so what? She wants me to have her younger son as the other ring bearer. No. Why? Her sons were already in other weddings so it isn’t like a new experience for them to have to have.
I am getting sick of criticisms towards my wedding and I don’t know why she is doing it. I haven’t said anything about her wedding that is negative (believe me, that is a tongue biter) or her behavior because I am trying to keep some peace but it is getting harder. What is her problem?
Post # 3
As much as I hate the “y’all are just jealous” defense, in this case I think it might be true. She sounds a little bitter that you have the means to have a nicer wedding than what she had, and her way of dealing with it is convincing herself (and anyone who will listen) that your wedding plans are overly extravagant and unnecessarily costly.
I am a little surprised there is a comparison going on between a first wedding and a vow renewal though…it’s kind of apples and oranges to begin with. But maybe she’s just super competitive. Or did she have a really small wedding the first time around and she’s looking at this renewal like it is her major ceremony?
Is she always so competitive, or is this a new thing? If it just started now, ignore it, it will be over in 6 months, and it’s not worth straining your relationships with your inlaws to tell her off.
Post # 4
Just tell her all red flowers are overdone and you wanted to do something fresher. It’s mean, but she should really be quite and let you do what you want.
Post # 5
Wow that is so annoying! I agree with tantum that she is obviously totally jealous that your wedding is going to rock and her’s didn’t. Do what you want, totally ignore her, and if I were you I would just make up a bunch of plans to throw her off. Tell her you are having swans, circus performers and whatever elsee you feel like creating. Then you don’t have to get frustrated that she is putting down your real plans. Good luck.
Post # 6
Jealousy. Its something we never really want to accuse people of, but its pretty obvious. And it happens all the time, especially when a wedding is concerned. Sometimes its easier to take the blows when you know its due to the other persons insecurities. I don’t really see how you can avoid it, you’ve already been trying to no avail. But you can choose to have no reaction. Don’t let it bother you, your wedding will be beautiful and you’ll have a blast. She knows that too.
Post # 7
Never ever EVER share your budget with anyone… it is sure to backfire. Either you’re too cheap or being too extravagant. IMO that is just one of those subjects that should stay private if only for your sanity.
She sounds pretty jealous to me too…
Post # 8
Yup, she’s jealous. I would start subtly criticizing her wedding and see how she handles it. “Are you sure red isn’t a little overdone?” etc. But, then again, I might just be a spiteful person, haha. It seems like she won’t really let it go, so you’ll have to say something to her. Maybe even be straight up about it and ask her if she feels like it’s a competition. I don’t think she’ll stop otherwise. Some people make themselves feel good by making others feel bad, ya know?
Post # 9
She does sound jealous and ridiculously competitive. You can shut her down a few ways – first, stop explaining or defending your choices to her – when she says “don’t you think that red flowers would be better?”, just reply with a simple, “No.” If you must elaborate, just say happily and confidently, “I’m happy with my choice.”
If she really crosses the line then look her straight in the eye and say very frostily, “I’m so sorry my choices displease you.” If she has any class or tact whatsoever, she’ll back right off.
Post # 10
Frankly, I don’t feel you have to explain anything to anyone. It’s not her wedding, it’s not her money.
Someone has someone like this in their life- don’t let her in on anymore details. “I’m sorry you feel that way”, “The decision has already been made” and change the subject.