What's my FMIL'S hidden agenda?

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
2075 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Mandygirl100:  how old are you two? Perhaps she feels her son isn’t ready to get married, since he wasn’t even functioning as an independent adult until very recently. 

Post # 4
480 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Mandygirl100:  my mil was and for the most part still is very much like this. She would constanly try to make my DH choose between her and I. she would make a big deal when he started calling me on his way home instead of her yada yada. ive overheard her telling her friend she thinks im a terrible horrible person. in the beginning I bent over backwards to make her like me, then I became resentful and became a total b**ch to her. Now that we have been married for 8 months and own a home 20 mins from her I have come to a place of Indifference. I know that her comments will never stop and it will all increase once we have children. It doesn’t help when my DH tries to confront her… It honestly makes it worse.


to sum it up you have to come to a place of indifference towards her actions. My mil will always want to be the center of my husbands world and will never accept that she isn’t. I have learned to tune it out with a smile on my face. It keeps the peace in his family and it has lessened the stress on my husband And I. I was being consumed with hate towards her and it was tainting my life and marriage. i don’t know if this helps or not, but it has been a long journey for me to finally realize this! 

Post # 5
2501 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Mandygirl100:  She sounds like a nightmare. You and your FI need to start setting some boundaries ASAP. It is much more important that you FI starts setting these boundaries. I would never stand for any of those antics. I would lose my shit!! Oh and plan your own wedding reception. She can throw her own party but it wont be a wedding reception if the bride and groom dont show up.

Post # 6
147 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Nope, she is a classic drama queen and doesn’t want to let her baby go. Who cares if he is a grown-ass man?

The thing is that if she recently only stopped paying his bills, he hasn’t been acting like an independent adult for very long, has he?

I don’t think that you are imagining this at all. 

Whatever I would do, I would NOT talk to her about it. I would talk to my fiance. It is important that you guys are a TEAM. For example, at the New Years’ Eve thing, he could of said “Hey, thanks mum, but I’m also going to kiss my awesome lady love, Mandygirl100!” Oh so polite, but still reminding his mum that YOU are the lady in his life now. 

I would also be really kind but firm with her dramatic behaviour. Thank her for her ideas but say that you and your fiance have already started planning etc. If she wants to act crazy, she will just make herself look crazy, and people will start to wonder how such a classy lady as yourself could put up with such a silly person.


Post # 7
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Mandygirl100:  I am no way siding with your FMIL or trying to negate how hardworking your FI is. But, because it seems (just going by what you’ve shared) he was handed basically everything and had his mom handling his financials, there appears to be a real lack of boundaries and independance from them. I’m not surprised his mother acts the way she does. Not saying it’s right, she is absolutely a nightmare and controlling, but she has probably been in that role forever and won’t take her claws out. 

As someone who was financially tied to my parents for longer than most, and has parents who are paying for their wedding, my mom has a tendency to feel like she has a say in certain aspects of my life. That being said, she is very sweet to my FI and isn’t the least bit disrespectful to our relationship. 

So, I’m really sorry youre going through this but realize it’s got nothing to do with you as a person. It’s probably something your FI has unfortunately been dealing with for his entire life. But, you should definitely speak with him so he can explain to his mother that she needs to take a few steps back. 

Also, what about his brothers wife? Does she get the same treatment as you? 

Post # 8
324 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Mandygirl100: I don’t know what her game is exactly, but I would urge you to think very, very carefully before committing yourself to a man with a mum who doesn’t like you.

I have a MIL that has been trying to split my dh and me from the start and after years I’m so tired of the constant negativity (and the fact that my dh can be a duh at times when it comes to his mum) that at times I wish I had not married him. I love him, but I wish I’d stayed his girlfriend with my own place to live and my own economy instead of joining his (horrible) family. 

Post # 9
34 posts

Oh dear…my first thought is RUN!!!!!!

She will be his Mother for the rest of his life, think about that, now picture what it would be like if you had kids.

Your fiancé is the one that MUST put his foot down with her or it will never work, it will be you battling her mostly alone for the rest of your life or until she ruins the marriage too. He has to stand up to her and up for you (and cut the cord completely) because as her son he is the only one she will actually listen to. She needs the truth from him and that is that she is damaging the relationship with the woman he loves and jeopardizing his future happiness. When he chose to ask you to be his wife then he also chose to make you the most important woman in his life and if he is not prepared to live up to that then you should wait for someone who will. Never settle for second place or settle period.

If he does do that (actions not promises) and things do get better, even then, do NOT live any closer then you have to, norshould she be allowed a key or to drop by without calling first (calling on the way there does not count).



Post # 10
34 posts

Oh and also I’d avoid using the expressions “cut the cord” and “man up” if/when you ask him to set her straight. Even if comments like that might be warranted sometimes, emasculating a SO is not good for a relationship. 

Post # 11
4 posts

Wow hopefully he wouldn’t have to start choosing between you two when making decisions. Sadly i know how family members like these function. They never stop. You just have to come up with a way to deal with them. My dad’s family is like that and i watched my mom struggle with it and deal with it all my life. I decided I will not let my FI go through that no matter how much i love my family. There are ways you can deal with this

1. Pity her for the attention-seeking, controlling person she is and indulge her. Maybe even push FI to spoil her sometimes and subtly let her know you are the one pushing FI to spoil her. in some cases, she will realize she has an ally in you and might dial back Warning: this could backfire if she is the greedy. It could make her just start asking for more and seeing what she could get away with….case in point. my mom’s SIL

2.Cut her off. You cannot just do that on your own. You need to get FI on board. To do that you need to make him see just how controlling and ridiculous she is. you seem to be doing a good job of that already. but just to make sure it does not become a problem between you two, show him how you are indulging her and how she is crossing boundaries. Not in an agressive way or naggin way mind you. Just like something to note. then ensure you change the topic to a pleasant thing quickly so he doesnot feel pressured

3. Be indifferent. Don’t relate with her except you have to. Let FI know you are not interested but do not stop him from relating with her. that will only cause animosity. just put a blind her to his relations with her but dont form one with her. This one is difficult because she will go out of her way to get to you.


Goodluck dear

Post # 12
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

It’s okay to not answer every phone call from her. Especially when you (or both) know it’s going to lead to frustration. If you get to control when she talks to you guys and sometimes when she sees you, I think it might help adding some balance. You have a lot of influence over your SO, rightfully so, and it’s time that was acknowledged and respected. 

Post # 13
6048 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Enough game playing and being a victim.  Why don’t you just sit down and talk to her?  Your and adult she’s an adult… and she has put alot more time and effort to build the family she deserves some respect.  SO talk to her … or don’t and keep a running tab for the rest of your life about all the wrongs she’s done to you…  

Post # 14
9526 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Yes, I think you’re overreacting and holding grudges about mostly silly little things.

There’s not much to do, but for you and your fiance to act like the adults you are and live independently and set boundaries as necessary. And quit keeping tallies of every slight from your FMIL.

Post # 15
2189 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Your FMIL’s agenda is easy to figure out and not at all a secret: to drive a huge wedge bw you and her son so she retains complete control, I mean influence, over him. His kisses are for her, his free time is for her, his finances are for her to oversee…it’s not rocket science OP. 

If he doesn’t man up and cut the chord himself these problems will increase exponentially when you’re married, let alone when you have children. 

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