Post # 1
My FMIL seems to be nice but sometimes I feel things she says are meant to leave me reading between the lines, so to speak. My fiance and I have been together for a year and a half. During this time, I’ve questioned her words and actions several times. My fiance agrees their appears to be a hidden agenda on 90% of these things but usually ends up saying that even though it seems that way, he believes she means we’ll or doesn’t realize what she’s doing. So here are some examples and I’d really love to get some opinions on this. 1) My fiance and I attended a new years eve party this past year, which consisted of about 20 couples, one of which was my future parents in law. At the strike of midnight, my FMIL ran up in between me and my fiance (then boyfriend as we just got engaged recently) and kissed him on the cheek! The only two individuals who did not kiss their partners at midnight was myself and the FFIL! 2) We went on a family vacation with my fiance’s family where we would share a large house with all of his mom’s siblings and their kids. His mom informed me that one of my fiance’s cousins was “very discouraged when he heard that I would be coming along (we had only been dating a couple of months and it would be my first time meeting the entire extended family) and I was shocked that she would tell me that. Of course it made me feel unwanted. The cousin is an adult BTW and I don’t believe he said that because when I told my then boyfriend about what she said, he said “that’s funny, because she told me the same thing, except she said it was grandpa who was” discouraged'”. But he shrugged it off as though she just got mixed up. 3) She invited my sister and I to a women’s luncheon at her home. I was the first to arrive and I asked where my FSIL was, and she said she wouldn’t be attending because she saw my sister in the grocery store the day before and apparently my sister did not speak to her. My sister didn’t even know her at that point to recognize her and didn’t even see her! My FMIL told me that I needed to pull my sister aside when she arrives to the party and have her call and apologize to my FSIL!! that didn’t happen. I called the FSIL myself and told her in a nice way that that was ridiculous. 4) my FMIL tells me three weeks before I got engaged that my then boyfriend was getting ready to propose soon. I was shocked and hurt that she’d spilled the beans. So was my fiance. But nobody questioned her. Then, since the cat was out of the bag, my fiance begged me to go ring shopping with him (I had always said that I’d want it to be him who picks it out with no help from his mom (his brothers wife had to go ring shopping with their who family) and that I’d want it all to be a surprise. The FMIL babysat our dog and knew what we were doing. She told everyone she knew and the whole town started giving congratulations to us. My dad had not even been asked permission yet and she knew that. I had to tell my parents I was getting ready to get engaged before they started getting congratulations on our engagement even though he hadn’t proposed or gotten the ring yet just so they wouldn’t get upset. The day he went to pick up my ring, she called and asked if he’d given me my ring yet and I told her “no, he hasn’t proposed yet” and she said “you weren’t expecting a formal proposal, were you?If you want something, you’re going to have to ask for it because we’re not a very formal bunch (BTW this woman lives in a mansion and throws elaborate parties all the time with very expensive taste-I’d say she’s more formal than most) . When my boyfriend got home, I told him what she said as it was so hurtful I couldn’t just not bring it up. Right then she called, asking him if he’d given me my ring yet (remember I just finished telling her an hour prior that I was definitely expecting a formal proposal) and he snapped and told her he’d just walked through the door and then she interrupted him yelling about it and hung up. He looked so stressed out I told him I didn’t care what he did at this point as it was already ruined. I felt bad for him. So he proposed right then on both knees. Who knew we’d feel we had to hurry up and get the proposal over with just to end the drama. She also started planning my wedding reception before I got engaged. She told me her friends could just bring a dish to help with food, that her best friend would be in the pictures, and that the reception would be in their shop garage. Really? What follows you think this is, a backyard BBQ? She also makes comments like “he’s my baby you know?”, “if my son is happy, I’m happy”, she calls several times a day, she just recently stopped paying his bills and managing his bank accounts (only bc I told him it had to stop but she thinks it was his idea) … Get my drift? It’s my personal opinion that she’s controlling, jealous, and makes everything about herself. She is constantly making suggestions on what she thinks we should do on every subject. She tries to take OUR matters into HER own hands. Do you think I’m overreacting and that everything is a silly misunderstanding on my part or do you think I’m on to something? And what do I do about it, if so?
Post # 2
Mandygirl100: how old are you two? Perhaps she feels her son isn’t ready to get married, since he wasn’t even functioning as an independent adult until very recently.
Post # 3
WestCoastV: I am 28, he is 26. He co-owns a successful company with his dad and brother and has his own home (granted both were handed over to him when he turned 21but he is very responsible and obviously trusted to run the family business and maintain his home for the past several years) so I don’t think that’s it. He does not go to her for help to make her feel he needs her constant reminders and suggestions. She does it to both son’s at her own will.
Post # 4
Mandygirl100: my mil was and for the most part still is very much like this. She would constanly try to make my DH choose between her and I. she would make a big deal when he started calling me on his way home instead of her yada yada. ive overheard her telling her friend she thinks im a terrible horrible person. in the beginning I bent over backwards to make her like me, then I became resentful and became a total b**ch to her. Now that we have been married for 8 months and own a home 20 mins from her I have come to a place of Indifference. I know that her comments will never stop and it will all increase once we have children. It doesn’t help when my DH tries to confront her… It honestly makes it worse.
to sum it up you have to come to a place of indifference towards her actions. My mil will always want to be the center of my husbands world and will never accept that she isn’t. I have learned to tune it out with a smile on my face. It keeps the peace in his family and it has lessened the stress on my husband And I. I was being consumed with hate towards her and it was tainting my life and marriage. i don’t know if this helps or not, but it has been a long journey for me to finally realize this!
Post # 5
Mandygirl100: She sounds like a nightmare. You and your FI need to start setting some boundaries ASAP. It is much more important that you FI starts setting these boundaries. I would never stand for any of those antics. I would lose my shit!! Oh and plan your own wedding reception. She can throw her own party but it wont be a wedding reception if the bride and groom dont show up.
Post # 6
Nope, she is a classic drama queen and doesn’t want to let her baby go. Who cares if he is a grown-ass man?
The thing is that if she recently only stopped paying his bills, he hasn’t been acting like an independent adult for very long, has he?
I don’t think that you are imagining this at all.
Whatever I would do, I would NOT talk to her about it. I would talk to my fiance. It is important that you guys are a TEAM. For example, at the New Years’ Eve thing, he could of said “Hey, thanks mum, but I’m also going to kiss my awesome lady love, Mandygirl100!” Oh so polite, but still reminding his mum that YOU are the lady in his life now.
I would also be really kind but firm with her dramatic behaviour. Thank her for her ideas but say that you and your fiance have already started planning etc. If she wants to act crazy, she will just make herself look crazy, and people will start to wonder how such a classy lady as yourself could put up with such a silly person.
Post # 7
Mandygirl100: I am no way siding with your FMIL or trying to negate how hardworking your FI is. But, because it seems (just going by what you’ve shared) he was handed basically everything and had his mom handling his financials, there appears to be a real lack of boundaries and independance from them. I’m not surprised his mother acts the way she does. Not saying it’s right, she is absolutely a nightmare and controlling, but she has probably been in that role forever and won’t take her claws out.
As someone who was financially tied to my parents for longer than most, and has parents who are paying for their wedding, my mom has a tendency to feel like she has a say in certain aspects of my life. That being said, she is very sweet to my FI and isn’t the least bit disrespectful to our relationship.
So, I’m really sorry youre going through this but realize it’s got nothing to do with you as a person. It’s probably something your FI has unfortunately been dealing with for his entire life. But, you should definitely speak with him so he can explain to his mother that she needs to take a few steps back.
Also, what about his brothers wife? Does she get the same treatment as you?
Post # 8
Mandygirl100: I don’t know what her game is exactly, but I would urge you to think very, very carefully before committing yourself to a man with a mum who doesn’t like you.
I have a MIL that has been trying to split my dh and me from the start and after years I’m so tired of the constant negativity (and the fact that my dh can be a duh at times when it comes to his mum) that at times I wish I had not married him. I love him, but I wish I’d stayed his girlfriend with my own place to live and my own economy instead of joining his (horrible) family.
Post # 9
Oh dear…my first thought is RUN!!!!!!
She will be his Mother for the rest of his life, think about that, now picture what it would be like if you had kids.
Your fiancé is the one that MUST put his foot down with her or it will never work, it will be you battling her mostly alone for the rest of your life or until she ruins the marriage too. He has to stand up to her and up for you (and cut the cord completely) because as her son he is the only one she will actually listen to. She needs the truth from him and that is that she is damaging the relationship with the woman he loves and jeopardizing his future happiness. When he chose to ask you to be his wife then he also chose to make you the most important woman in his life and if he is not prepared to live up to that then you should wait for someone who will. Never settle for second place or settle period.
If he does do that (actions not promises) and things do get better, even then, do NOT live any closer then you have to, norshould she be allowed a key or to drop by without calling first (calling on the way there does not count).
Post # 10
Oh and also I’d avoid using the expressions “cut the cord” and “man up” if/when you ask him to set her straight. Even if comments like that might be warranted sometimes, emasculating a SO is not good for a relationship.
Post # 11
Wow hopefully he wouldn’t have to start choosing between you two when making decisions. Sadly i know how family members like these function. They never stop. You just have to come up with a way to deal with them. My dad’s family is like that and i watched my mom struggle with it and deal with it all my life. I decided I will not let my FI go through that no matter how much i love my family. There are ways you can deal with this
1. Pity her for the attention-seeking, controlling person she is and indulge her. Maybe even push FI to spoil her sometimes and subtly let her know you are the one pushing FI to spoil her. in some cases, she will realize she has an ally in you and might dial back Warning: this could backfire if she is the greedy. It could make her just start asking for more and seeing what she could get away with….case in point. my mom’s SIL
2.Cut her off. You cannot just do that on your own. You need to get FI on board. To do that you need to make him see just how controlling and ridiculous she is. you seem to be doing a good job of that already. but just to make sure it does not become a problem between you two, show him how you are indulging her and how she is crossing boundaries. Not in an agressive way or naggin way mind you. Just like something to note. then ensure you change the topic to a pleasant thing quickly so he doesnot feel pressured
3. Be indifferent. Don’t relate with her except you have to. Let FI know you are not interested but do not stop him from relating with her. that will only cause animosity. just put a blind her to his relations with her but dont form one with her. This one is difficult because she will go out of her way to get to you.
Post # 12
It’s okay to not answer every phone call from her. Especially when you (or both) know it’s going to lead to frustration. If you get to control when she talks to you guys and sometimes when she sees you, I think it might help adding some balance. You have a lot of influence over your SO, rightfully so, and it’s time that was acknowledged and respected.
Post # 13
Enough game playing and being a victim. Why don’t you just sit down and talk to her? Your and adult she’s an adult… and she has put alot more time and effort to build the family she deserves some respect. SO talk to her … or don’t and keep a running tab for the rest of your life about all the wrongs she’s done to you…
Post # 14
Yes, I think you’re overreacting and holding grudges about mostly silly little things.
There’s not much to do, but for you and your fiance to act like the adults you are and live independently and set boundaries as necessary. And quit keeping tallies of every slight from your FMIL.
Post # 15
Your FMIL’s agenda is easy to figure out and not at all a secret: to drive a huge wedge bw you and her son so she retains complete control, I mean influence, over him. His kisses are for her, his free time is for her, his finances are for her to oversee…it’s not rocket science OP.
If he doesn’t man up and cut the chord himself these problems will increase exponentially when you’re married, let alone when you have children.