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A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
(HAHAHA! I have the saved, cause someone sent it to me, and I thought it was hilarious!")
My absolute fav joke ever (but you have to say it aloud)
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH. 
I have two:
What's green, fuzzy, and could kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A pool table.
Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Interrupting cow
Interrupting cow --
MOOOOO!!
(Another one that has to be told out loud.)
It's super dumb and childish but it makes me giggle every time.
OMG soontobe: I almost spit out my coke just now!!!! Hilarious!
Here's another one you have to do out loud - a kid, probably around 12 or so, told me this joke a few years ago and I still get a kick out of it.
Snoop Dog gave 50 cent a sweater for Christmas. What did 50 cent say to Snoop?
Gee you knit?
HAHAHA if you don't know anything about rap, you prob won't get that, but it cracked me up when he told me. Might've just been so funny to me because it was coming from a 12 year old, I don't know. haha
Omg @mechiebaby that joke actually got me a job. They made me tell it at the interview and then I had tell to everyone who was around. Its my favorite joke
Honeybun- Haha, I'm glad you and your FI had a good laugh. Funny thing though, when I first read the joke in my e-mail I was eating too, and almost spit out what I was eating because I laughed so hard. =p
Haha these are AWESOME!
We're thinking of incorporating a clean joke card or something for the kids table. We may also do one for our adult tables to help break the ice if we have people sitting together that don't (yet) know each other. :-)
How do you make a kleenex dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
MissHelen - that is my favorite joke of all time!!!!!! My little brother told it to me one day, and I just roared. Our grandmother couldn't stop laughing for days... she'd randomly turn to one of us and say, "...a talking muffin!!" and break down into fits of really obnoxious laughter.
I know this is an old thread, but I've been telling jokes from it all day.
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
One grape said to another, "If it weren't for you, we wouldn't be in this jam!"
Bwahahahahaha. I think I'm coming down with a case of paronomasia. :P
The funniest joke I have ever heard, is also the most exasperating to tell and hear. Here goes.
A new couple decides they want to have kids, so they get pregnant and have a baby. This baby turns out to be a boy genius. By the time he's 2 years old he is reading and doing math problems a 6th grader could do. His parents are sooo proud that they want to get him a gift. So they ask their son what he would like. Their son replies, "One green golf ball."
So the parents get their son a green golf ball and he is sooo estatically happy. The boy continues to be the smartest kid alive and when he's 6 he has already graduated from high school. His parents are so proud they want to get him a gift. They ask him what he wants and he says, "I would like an egg carton full of green golf balls."
So his parents get him an egg carton full of green golf balls and the son is just as happy as can be. By now the son is 15 and had graduated from college and med school. His parents are really proud and want to get him a gift. So they ask their son what he would like and the son replies, "I would like a dump truck full of green golf balls." The parents think it's a little strange their son has such an affinity for green golf balls, but they get him a dump truck full of green golf balls anyway, and their son couldn't be happier.
By the time their son is 24 he is a world renowned brain surgeon. His parents are so extremely proud of him they want to get him a gift. So they ask him what he wants and their son replies, "I want a swimming pool full of green golf balls." The parents get him his swimming pool full of green golf balls and their son is the happiest person in the world.
When the son was 30 he was in a car accident and didn't have much time to live. His parents rushed to his side, they were so worried. Their son reassured them everything would be ok and that he had a good life. His father had one question for him before he went, "What did you do with all the green golf balls?" The son replied, "I..." and passed away.
First time I heard this I couldn't believe that was the end of the joke! So frustrating! Lol.
PETEY THE SNAKE - (long but totally worth it!)
Petey was a snake, only so
big. Petey lived in a pit with
his mother.
One day Petey was hissing
in the pit when his Mother
said, "Petey don't hiss in the
pit, go outside the pit to
hiss." So Petey went outside
of the pit to hiss.
Petey was hissing all
around when he finally
leaned over and hissed in
the pit. Petey's Mother
heard Petey hissing in the
pit and said. "Petey, if you
must hiss in the pit, go over
to Mrs. Pott's pit to hiss in
her pit."
Petey went over to Mrs.
Pott's pit to hiss in her pit,
but Mrs. Pott was not at
home, so he hissed in her pit
anyway. While Petey was
hissing in Mrs. Pott's pit,
Mrs. pott came home and
found Petey hissing in her
pit. She said, "Petey, if you
must hiss in a pit, don't hiss
in my pit; go to your own pit
and hiss."
This made Petey very
sad, and he cried all the way
home. When Petey got home
his Mother saw him crying
and said, "Petey, what's the
matter?" Petey said, "I went
over to Mrs. Pott's to
hiss in her pit but Mrs. Pott
came home and found me
hissing in her pit and said
"Petey, if you must hiss in a
pit, go to your own pit and
hiss. Don't hiss in my pit."
This made Petey's Mother
very angry and she said,
"Why that mean old lady. I
knew Mrs. Pott when she
didn't have a pit to hiss in."
Haha - these are funny!
Two frogs are sitting on a riverbank.
Frog #1 says: "ribbit"
Frog #2 says: "ribbit"
Then a 3rd frog hops over to them and says: "ribbit, ribbit"
The first frog pull out his gun and shoots the 3rd frog. Frog #2 asks: "Why did you do that? He was a cool guy!"
Frog #1 answers: "He knew too much!"
HAHAHA - love it :)))))
I know one joke - i'm so lame that this is the only one!
Where did George Washington keep his armies?
------
In his sleevies.
We just got my son an Elmo Live Encore and it tells jokes:
Where do cows go on dates?
To the moovies!
Why did the boy say moo?
Becuase he was a cowboy!
Q. What did zero (0) say to eight (8)?
A. Nice Belt
Q. What did the snail say when he was riding on the turtle's back?
A. "Wheeeeeeeee!!!!!"
@ Miss International: I don't know what it was about that joke, but I just died laughing. I even told it to my roommate.
My favorite joke makes no sense, but has a story behind it. When I was in high school, my volleyball team was playing a terrible game, and my coach was extremely frustrated. He called a timeout. Instead of yelling at us, as we had anticipated, he told us this joke:
"There were two penguins sitting in a bathtub. One said to the other, "Can you pass the ketchup?" And the second one said, "What do I look like, a typewriter?"
Needless to say, we sat there, baffled as he sent us back to the court to play the game. Part of the way back into the game, one of us started laughing, and then one by one we were all laughing until our entire team was cracking up in the middle of a game while trying to pass and spike. We are the only people, to this day, who get the joke.
Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef!
Q: Why did Snoop Dogg need an umbrella?
A: Fo' drizzle.
Q: What does Snoop Dogg use to clean his clothes?
A: Blea-otch.
lmao I just have to say that my 6 year old child and I sat here and laughed our butts off just know hahaha
ok here is mine:
One day a cop is driving down the highway and he sees a red car with a man driving and a penguin in the passenger seat. The cop turns around and pulls him over and asked the man "Sir whats with the penguin?" before the man could explain the cop cuts him off and says "Sir take the penguin to the zoo right now" The man agrees and pulls off and is again on his way. The next say the same cop is driving down the same highway and sees the same red car with the penguin still in the passenger seat, but this time wearing sunglasses. The cop pulls the car over again, approaches the man and says "Sir I thought I told you to take the penguin to the zoo yesterday!" the man says " I did and now we are going to the beach"
Where do cats go when they lose their tails?
-The retail store
My Grandpa told me this one last week...
There was a nun who worked as a nurse at a local hospital.
She was driving the hospital van when it ran out of gas about a mile from a gas station, so she decided to walk to the gas station to get some gas, but the station didn't have a gas can for her to transport the gas back to the van.
She walked back to the van, trying to figure out what to do when she realized that she had some bed pans in the van that she could use. So, she got a bed pan and walked back to the gas station, filled it up and walked back to the van.
As she was pouring the gas into the tank, two men in a truck drove by. One said to the other, "Man, if that works, I'm turning Catholic!"
What did the fish say when he hit the concrete wall?
Damn.
What did 0 say to 8?
Nice Belt.
I'm blanking out... How about:
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9 and 10.
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Two muffins are baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says "wow. It's really hot in here!" The other muffin turns to the first muffin and says "Holy crap, a talking muffin!!!"
hehe.
What's your favorite "clean" joke?