Post # 1
Ok Newlyweds! I am soon to be in minus 12 days a newlywed and have an interesting question. For those couples that lived togethor prior to marriage what was your hardest adjustment in the time after the wedding?
I ask because my FI and I have been togethor 3 yrs, lived togethor 2 1/2 yr and I just started back to school and we are in the process of building a home. A few people have told me that we just bit off more than we can chew and this will greatly affect our marriage, especially during those critical first few years. Do you agree? Now my FI and I go into marriage with no high expectations and are perfectly happy with the way we are now and I am not expecting anything to change. I know that may sound naive to some but I know some couples that had high expectations going into marriage only to be disappointed. They thought maybe their spouse would be happier or he would not go out with his friends as much, etc, you get my drift. My FI and I are on opposite schedules anyway and we delt with his schooling last year that was extremely difficult but we are fighters and cherish if we even get 5 minutes togethor in a day. We dont take much for granted.
Any advice on what to look for and am I being too naive or unrealistic here?
Post # 3
Take my advice with a grain of salt… I’m still enjoying newlywed bliss! For us, the hardest thing to adjust to after getting married is getting back to my husband’s crazy work schedule. In the summers, he works 12 hour days, M-F, so we only get to spend an hour or two together at night before he passes out. 🙁 So I guess our hardest adjustment has been accepting the fact that we don’t get to spend as much time together as we want? Yeah, other than that everything is awesome! Being married is great!
I think a lot of people who say the first few years of marriage are the hardest are really referring to living together/running a household together for the first time. Figuring out finances, sex, chores, in-laws, etc… can be really difficult. If you guys already have all of that down pat, I don’t think it’s naive to say not much will change. Sure, building a house together and one of you going back to school is tough, but it sounds like you’ve worked through stressors before. Anyway, you know your relationship best, so if you think you can handle it, you probably can!
Post # 4
My husband and I lived together for a year before we got married. Granted, it’s been less than a month, but nothing major has changed… There is a bit of a different feeling of attachment (at least for me), in a good way, but otherwise, it’s mostly the same! Maybe after we’ve been married longer it will be different? I’m not really sure. We were warned that getting married will make us less happy, and I have a friend being told the same thing (getting married next year), so I don’t know! It seems odd that all these people would be saying the same thing. I’d think they would know what they’re talking about, but so far, I haven’t found that to be the case!
Post # 5
Sorry, I am still I ms., but I had to jump in. I am also very confused about why so many married people talk about marriage like it’s the worst decision they ever made! The two common threads I’ve found from all these negative non-bees is that they are 1) unhappily married, 2) don’t have much in common with their spouse.
I agree with Mrs. Spring – I think people are referring to the adjustment of living together. The adjustment of suddenly living together probably leads to finding out you are much different people than you thought. Plus, living together knocks you out of your perfect relationship bubble so it’s kind of sink or swim before the wedding. If you two are already together and making financial decisions as one, well that’s what most marriage counselors say is the #1 thing people fight about, so I doubt you will have any surprises!
Post # 6
Thanks girls! I think I am just having one of those days where everything piles up and it feels like no one has faith in you that you can actually make something work or that you are actually happy. My FI and I have been through major stressors in our relationship and well thats one of the reasons I am marrying him besides being the man of my dreams, he sticks by my side and pushes through no matter the obstacle. Some of the advice or warnings do come from people that did have unhappy marriages or currently unhappy and were that way when they got married. We refuse to live like that, we adore each other and truly love on another and excited to see each other (when we can) that I think it puts some people off.
I do beleive that finances are the #1 issue couples fight about so it makes me happy to know that is something we have a grasp of. My family just does not know it bc I dont talk about it with them bc well its no ones business I feel.
I appreciate the feedback and any other advice out there is always welcomed!
Post # 7
I think it sounds like you two are off to a great start and you know what you both want. Congrats on the upcoming wedding!!
I’ve been married just shy of a month and the biggest change has been seeing "Mrs. Newlastname" on mail even when I didn’t tell anyone I will be changing. We’ve also gotten a little more serious about combining finances, which it sounds like you’re already doing. We opened our first joint account after the wedding. Before, we just split the bills.
I hope you can find some supporters among all the naysayers! When I talk to my dad, he’s been asking me if I feel "married"; he knows not much has changed. I really appreciate this because I figured he’d be a little unsupportive of me living with my boyfriend, but it’s really been the opposite.
Post # 8
‘They’ have always said that the 1st year of marriage is the hardest, but I don’t particularly believe that in this day and age where people live together before marriage. I think it is the first year of commitment that is the hardest. What I mean by that is if you live with someone just to ‘see if it will work out’, that is different than living with someone engaged or married. It is the difference between being a roommate with benefits and a committed partner. If you are going from the former to being married, than that first year will be difficult. If the latter, not as bad, because really the hardest part is being committed to each other…of course, that is also the easiest part if you have chosen the right person to be committed to.
Just my two cents…
Post # 9
The hardest thing for us has been making "life and death" decisions like buying life insurance and writing wills. It’s so hard to think about all that scary stuff when we’re just enjoying our youth and happiness! But we wanted to get all that done quickly so we have peace of mind knowing that we have protected our dreams and future even if one of us has to do it alone.
Post # 10
We are about 3 weeks away from our one year anniversary, and our first year of marriage was filled with MANY changes, but I would never say it was "hard" to be married! If anything, I can’t imagine surviving this year if we hadn’t been together. We’d dated for 7 years before getting married, and lived together for 3, so we already had our "routine." But, literally 4 days after we got back from our honeymoon, we moved to a new city, where we knew almost nobody, and my husband started a new, very stressful and busy job. It involved lots of travel initially, while I was, in the meantime, finishing up my PhD (away from my university and my support network). Since I finished, I’ve been struggling to find a job. So, as you can imagine, all of these changes were very stressful, but thank GOD I had my husband as my cheerleader and support system. I think our first year of marriage was WONDERFUL, and I’m looking forward to many many more years of marriage, whatever stresses, changes, and roller coasters they may bring!
Post # 11
I agree with the previous posters. I don’t feel like much has changed in my 2 months of marriage. We had lived together and combined finances before the wedding. The only new things now are my last name and we are on the same insurance. Our adjustment came in our first year like Mrs. Corn said. We had challenges when we first moved in together and during our wedding planning. Now we are just going on with our routine. I feel our next change will come when we have a baby.
Post # 12
so i felt like seeing what newlyweds had to say about being married…..but I’ve been married for 3.5 years, just now getting around to the wedding though. The first year was a cakewalk, ok minus the fact that I was pregnant, b*tchy, and then we had the baby and then it all went crazy. The hardest part of marriage is keeping things new. I love my husband, but we’ve settled into a routine, and I’d like things spiced up a little bit. Then again I’ve got the attention span of a fly! Having kids is a much bigger change and challenge by far.
Post # 13
First of all – congrats on your upcoming big day, Bear!
I’ve been married 3 months. (Together for 5 years TOTAL so far, living together for 4.5 years).
The two hardest things for us so far are:
1. Figuring out "Whats next". After a year of planning a wedding out of state, we dont have anything to put our collective efforts, hopes, and dreams towards. We are not planning to have kids for a while, and living in So. California, a house is a little beyond us at the moment. So, over the next year or two, we have some big travel plans. Something to save and something to look forward too!
2. Figuring out budgets/insurance/wills/etc – its not always fun, and something we have to get better at and do more of, but when it comes down to it, you have to be prepared!
Post # 14
@Bear: It sounds like your relationship has been tested by many stressors in the past already, so I don’t think it’s naive to think you can handle a few more. With school, I feel the same way. I was in the middle of my undergrad and working full-time when I met my husband but we managed to make a committed partnership, buy a condo, start joint investments, get a car, etc etc together through that. I’m starting my Masters in the fall and I feel pretty comfortable with how it will affect our first year of marriage because I know we’ve made it through similar things in the past. I think you always have to think about the source of the advice when people tell you things like this. No one really knows your relationship as well as you do, and I always find it strange when people give uninformed "cautionary advice" to me. Like…uh….how would you know?