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I need some perspective. The hubs made a comment in passing, and a month later it's still grinding on me. I finally brought it up to him. He became defensive and said that if I wasn't going to change my last name to his, what's the point in getting married? He said it shows that I'm committed and we're a family, otherwise we'd just be one of those couples who live together forever and never get married. Like I said, it's bothering the monkeys out of me and I'm almost hurt by it I guess. It's such a weird thing to say and uncharacteristic of him I think. It took the fun out of changing my name, like I HAD to do it, not because I wanted to. I almost regret it out of spite I guess, andit really hit me once my name got changed at work because now it's on my screen 24/7.
What's your perspective on this ladies? Lots of you have kept your names and I know that. I see his validity in it showing that we're a family by sharing the same last name (but big whoop too), but the implication that if I didn't change my name meant "what's the point" well...i said "what about the 4.5 years we've been together and the fact that we love each other?" and I can't remember what he said. Like we got married so I *could* take his name? I mean, WTH?
I wanted to take his name. But now I feel like I HAD to. How irrational am I being?
I don't think you're being irrational - that would bother the heck out of me too!
I think that when you change your name you're signaling to the whole world that you're a family unit. And there's something to that. But, IMHO, that the point of the rings as well. To me, the only thing that matters is that I'm marrying my love- not whether the world knows I'm married or not.
Does he know that it took the fun out for you? Maybe you should talk to him about it again ... ?
I told him that this morning. He says that I shouldn't have taken it all so personally, he didn't mean for it to come across possessive or ignorant. I get that it signals we're a famiy now...but to say "waht's the point?" as in....seriously, what's the point?!
Then he asked if i want to change my name back. I said no, it was too much of a hassle now that it's done!
With my first marriage, I hyphenated. I can't remember now why I decided to do that.
This time I took his name. We had a liitle argument about it months ago, but I just kind of decided to pick my battles, and let him have his opinion on it.
I don't neccesarily think you're being irrational, but I get how his comment made you feel like maybe he didn't respect the fact that it was YOUR choice and not just something you did bc it was expected of you.
First of all, you are not being irrational. It's something that is important to you. You have a right to be upset.
I agree with tatrifon. I would talk to him. Until you and him discuss it, it's going to bother you. Guys have a tendency to put their foot in their mouths. And guys generally don't change their name so they don't understand all the emotions that we go through. I am changing my last name and I'm happy to do so but even still, I know I will be a little sad to no longer use my old name.
I don't blame you, if my FI said that, I'd be annoyed too. I'm not changing my name for a whole slew of reasons- I work for my Dad's company, so we have a family business that I'd like to keep my last name for, since I'll take over one day. There are only two daughters in the family, and our last name ends with us, so I really want to keep my name on. Additionally, I won't take on the last name of a family that doesn't treat FI half as well as my own (and he realizes it also) and that he just isn't hugely close to (he isn't seperated or distant from them, he just doesn't care as much about them as I do about my own family).
But lastly, I don't see the taking on of his name as a bonding ritual. In my perspective, I'm simply an extension of his family, and an extension doesn't need or want the family's last name. We're bonded by love and a marriage contract that's only getting signed because of formality's sake. A last name doesn't bind you to your partner, and the idea that it does is just silly- to me, if a guy *demanded* I take his last name as a sign of a bonding marriage, I'd be more inclined to believe the actual reason is one of insecurity, possesiveness, or desire to think "this is MY wife, she has MY name, she's MY property." But then again, I'm a bit of a feminist 
But even FI said that's the only reason he'd want me to have his last name, to show that "I'm his" to a degree, that we're connected. To which I replied, I can be "yours" as your partner/lover, but I'm not a car, so I'm keeping my name, and we're connected by a piece of paper and our love, so that should be adequate."
You could point out that if it was overwhelmingly important that both of you and your future children (if any) have the same last name, he could always have changed his name to yours.
Would he have done it? No. But it's a valid point. Supposedly, men and women are equal under the law. Why is it that it's virtually never men changing their names when they marry, even, say, when the men have multiple brothers and their wives-to-be are the last of their lines?
I am changing my name and am glad to do it; no one can spell my current name. But the name thing is one of those cultural oddities that, like the concepts behind the "Matrix" movies, don't hold up well under deep scrutiny. By trying to assign deep meaning to it, your husband is highlighting the problems at the heart of it.
I think, though, what's really going on is that you saw your marriage as an equal commitment that the two of you were making to one another, emotionally and legally, and your husband's comment left you feeling as though he saw it as an official indication that he had acquired a wife. Or something like that. Does that make sense? He's essentially implying that he wouldn't have wanted to marry you if you hadn't taken his name, but that he, in turn, wouldn't have been willing to do the same for you. It's an expectation of inequality. He dragged something out into the light that's better left alone.
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I know, I think it's just this obvious "Mr and mrs hislastname" thing. I'm a little feministic, too. but i already had the wheels in motion to change my name when he said this. It just rubs me the WRONG way. It really killed the fun.
I dunno, I talked to him about it this morning, and he said, "well i'm not going to take it back, it's just what I believe"
I told him i feel like he's not grateful b/c he expected me to. And then he promptly told me thank you. But uh, not the point. Is it a guy thing? Maybe it's just that he lacks tact in this one subject. I know he isn't being malicious or possessive about it, but it really does come off like that, which I think is why it's so uncharacterstic and it bothers me so damn much. Gr. And I'm PMSing. But, hey, when something bugs you for a month, it's not going to disappear.
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I agree that you are not being irrational (that is always guy's fallback argument when they don't understand and don't want to try). Maybe one of the reasons it is so hurtful is that it seems like he is devaluing all of the other important aspects of your marraige and relationship - commitment to each other, supporting each other through good and bad, and the little things you do together (each couple has their own special things as well) - and only focusing on the name, which has meaning, but is not substantive. If you share a last name but don't support each other, the marraige is not going to work out.
I don't know if this is the case for you - if it is I would try talking to him about it that way, maybe then he would understand where you are coming from.
Further thoughts:
From your perspective, changing your name meant that you were making a sacrifice in the interest of family harmony. You had to stand in lines, fill out paperwork, talk to HR at work, etc. etc. I doubt you expected a tiara and a rainbow for doing so, but I do think that, understandably, you saw (and see) it worthy of some notice and some gratitude on the part of the person benefiting from the sacrifice -- i.e. your husband. Instead, he essentially just dismissed the magnitude of what you did. It's one thing to say, "What's the point of getting married if you don't live together?" because that requires equal effort. A name change does not.
You changed your frickin' name, the name you've had all your life, the name you went to school under, the name you share with your parents...you get the idea. I don't think you're out of line wishing for a bit more thankfulness on the part of the beneficiary.
I really wanted to hyphenate or not change my name at all; I'm in the feminist crowd and I loathe the historical implications of possessiveness that still linger in modern marriages. That being said, my FI was more hurt than angry when I brought this up. I think it made him feel that I didn't fully accept him or his family, that I didn't really want to become part of it. Which is obviously completely and utterly untrue, but that's how he felt so I have to respect that.
So perhaps he's more hurt than angry about the whole situation? Lord knows guys seem like lash out with anger rather than discuss the fact that they're hurt/upset.
It sounds like you might just need reassurance from him that your marrige is about your love and commitment, not a name change. That even if you change your last name to Banana Hammock it wouldn't matter to him. 
You're not being irrational! Frankly I do feel that the woman taking the man's name is a bit antiquated. I am taking FI's name, but this is mainly because his last name is easier than mine to pronounce and spell, and I'd like our children to all have the same last name.
I don't think you're being irrational at all. I'm changing my name because I WANT to, not because I feel like I HAVE to. But I have a lot of friends who didn't. Part of me thinks that guys sometimes just don't get it - by changing our name, we are losing part of our identity! That's a big sacrifice! Especially for those of us already in professional careers - it is a big deal to change your name! Sorry, for getting on my soapbox, but that's how I feel about it. :)
I am an encore bride and I never changed my name and have no intentions of doing so. First of all, I LIKE my given surname, it has a long history - my family has been residents of PA since 1683! Second - changing the last name harkens back to the days when wives were considered property and I certainly am not property! Also - all my degrees are with my last name and all my students are used to calling me Prof W. Changing a last name is a custom, not a requirement. Ask FI why he doesn't take YOUR last name!
Ooh, the name issue can be so touchy! I think a lot of guys just assume that their future wives will take their last name. Period. His mom changed her name, his grandma changed her name, why wouldn't his future wife change her name too?
When I told my guy that I was considering keeping my own last name, he was caught 100% off guard and had a less than ideal response. I was annoyed at the time, but I can see how it would be a lil upsetting to me if he "out of the blue" challenged a view I'd held my whole life. I imagine it's how I felt when he casually mentioned that he didn't want to wear a wedding band. To me, married men wear wedding bands. Period. My dad wore one, my grandpa wore one, why wouldn't my husband wear a wedding band too?
When he told me he wasn't sure about the wedding band, I was shocked. Doesn't he want people to know he is married to me? Is he afraid of 100% committing to our relationship? I couldn't understand why he didn't want to just follow "the norm," and do what "everybody else" does. I imagine he must have felt quite the same way regarding the name-change issue.
So, this doesn't help resolve anything, but maybe it will help us be a little more sensitive to our sig others. It's never fun to have your childhood beliefs challenged...even if it's a minor one!
FYI: In the end, I decided to change my last name, and he decided to wear a wedding band. :)
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ha, cuz my last name is really obnoxious. Nobody ever pronounces or spells it right. He told me that if we lived in a country where the man took the woman's name, he'd do it. He's a little old fashioned and acknowledged this. He said even if two dudes got married they should share a last name! My liberal ways are getting to him for him to even acknowledge that.
Needles to say, we're having an email discussion and now we're both upset and hurt. I guess it's tough when you don't really see where the other person is coming from. Once he cools off, I bet i get a rational email. Ah, the bummers of living apart and having discussions like this.
He actually brought up the wedding band perspective. My dad doesn't wear one, so it didn't work well on me. He wanted to know if I'd be hurt if he didn't wear his, and I said only b/c I spent a bunch of dough on it.
I don't think it's fair that he is getting off on the "guys just don't understand" excuse. He's not an idiot; he's perfectly capable of understanding where you're coming from on this issue. I don't even think the issue here is really about the name thing. I think it's about you seeing this as an attack on your beliefs (i.e. women and men are equal partners in marriage and neither should be forced to do something she/he is totally against), and your husband seeing it as an attack on his beliefs (part of getting married is forming a new family unit). Both of you are right, but you're using opposite arguments to rationalize why your opinion is better than the other one.
I think the important conversation to have would be concentrating on the things you both agree on. You both might not agree that a woman will or will not always change her name after marriage, but the core beliefs about equality, partnership, and mutual respect in a relationship are there, right? And you both believe that the formation of a marriage is the formation of a new family? So the specifics aren't as important as the underlying beliefs driving your points. As long as you have a common understanding of what marriage is, I think the point is kinda moot. Especially because you're already in the process of changing your name; it's not like you're going to stop in the middle, right? :)
Sorry, what he is saying makes no sense and is not logical. I have not legally changed my name yet and for some reason when we filed our taxes this year I still got hit with the "marriage penalty". Maybe I should have told my tax guy that since I don't legally have the Mr's last name we aren't really married so........ha ha.
HAHAH I love the comment about being hurt if he didn't wear his band only b/c you spend a lot of money on it. I'm not sure my FI will wear his band, though he says he will, so I'm reluctant to spend $1200 on it... so I totally relate to that!
I'm sure that once you get to sit down and have a conversation face to face (these types of conversations over emails never work out the way we want them to), that everything will come out okay. it sounds like you're just bothered by him not realizing what you're actually giving up (voluntary or not). Maybe if you explain to him that you were going to change your name, you just wanted some acknowledgment that this is YOUR choice and that it is hard to change a name (since in a lot of ways it's changing your identity).
I'm sure he doesn't mean to be possessive or close-minded about it. But perhaps he just doesn't fully understand your perspective?
Well we live 12 hours apart. He doesn't come home until end of August b/c he's military.
Needles to say a face-to-face conversation isn't going to happen.
It'll all work out. But he hasn't responded in hours and told me he's angrier than he's been in a very long time. I reread my email a few times through and made sure I wasn't making any digs, but focused more on how I felt and how I interpreted it. I even made sure to include disclaimers like "i know you don't mean it that way" so he knew that I understood that what you say and waht you mean are sometimes different. His logic just doesn't get to me. We've been together for years, dealt with a deployment together, the loss of my brother, lots of time apart and some other things. It feels trivialized, and I told him so. But you can't say "what's the point" and not expect me to take it that way.
I'm not sure it's his lack of thankfulness for me changing my name. He doesnt' have to really thank me for it, and he claims he was excited to. I was, too. Now that it's all done, I'm like, 'Hm. great". He acknowledges he never realized it was a big deal to me. Um, duh, is what I say. But still...to tell me "what's the point?!" it just feels like...it's an awful thing to say to someone you just married.
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I don't think you're being irrational. I would have been really upset by his comment, too. I know lots of couples where the wife kept her maiden name and they're just as committed to each other and their families as those who did change their names. I don't think it indicates anymore commitment to your family or partner by changing your name.
I totally agree with what August15bride says about changing your name. It's WHO YOU ARE and who you have been for your entire life. I've been thinking a lot about it, because while I changed mine, I have trouble introducing myself or saying my new name. I've spent 31 years of my life being someone with a particular name. I graduated from HS, college, got a job--all those things in my maiden name.
Honestly, I had trouble making my decision and luckily my husband said dhe would be supportive one way or the other. It made it easier for me to decide, knowing that I didn't have that added pressure on me. Maybe August15bride is right--because they don't have to do it, guys don't always understand the feelings behind it?
I can see where it would be hurtful....I'm still not sure my husband understands why I don't want to change my name (and currently do not plan to). We finally came to the conclusion that I'm ok if we use his last name socially....say for wedding invitations I won't be upset if they say Mr. & Mrs. hislastname. However, all things legal we each have our own last names. His mom changed her name/so did mine...but thankfully he's never made a big deal out of it. I wonder if we were planning to have children if he would be more adament about having the same last name.
That said....the person I received the exact same comment mentioned here is non-friend co-worker. After a month he is STILL making a big deal out of it...and getting quite huffy. Why even marry? My comment has been that I didn't marry to gain a new last name, I married my husband because I love him. I'm committed to him and our relationship, and we live in a country where legally marriage is the best solution. Our state doesn't recgonize partnerships so in order to care for each other and our mutual estate we need the legality of marriage. If one of us were to lose a job we need marriage to make it possible to be insured on the other's policy. If one of us were in an accident we need marriage for the other to be able to make key medical choices. So we married so that our state & country would recgonize that we are a "unit". Yes to some people that sounds legalistic but it's the truth. Our relationship was already there, the committment was already there....the marriage just made that committment legal in the eyes of the US.
Long response to say it's driving me insane that this co-worker who isn't someone I consider a friend even making the same off-hand comment is driving me crazy. I can't imagine how I'd feel if it had come from my hubby so I think you are perfectly normal in your feelings. It's really hard that you are having to try to work through this via email....it's always so much harder to not take things harshly via email. I think the important thing is that you were already changing your name when the comment was made....you had already made your choice. Granted the comment made it feel less appreciated but always try to remember that you did it for you, never b/c of an off hand comment.
I totally understand where you're coming from. We've had the name change convo also. He says he wants me to take his name but wouldn't force me to. And he also says that he would not take my name. Actually, his name with mine would sound pretty weird, but nonetheless it irks me. Personally, I think it's b/c this is something women think about from a pretty young age (or at least I have). Maybe it shouldn't have to be, but your name is so attached to your identity. I mean, a lot of my college friends even call me by my last name...which is pretty unusual for a woman. In my case, my professional publication record is also attached to it. There really isn't a good solution. I think if guys ever seriously had to consider the implications of changing their names, they'd be more sensitive about it. But they don't...so they say things that come off as totally hurtful. That said, I think it's good that you are talking about it with him...and how his comment hurt you. I think sometimes it's hard for men to see "traditional" sacrifices women make as being difficult or have consequences. Remind him for the benefit of all of us!
A weird thing is, almost without exception the friends of mine who call themselves feminist have mostly changed their names, but those who are more hesitant about the term have refused to do so. I'm not sure what that means, but it's interesting. I actually do agree that it's confusing to have different last names, esp with kids. My boss said that he and his first wife had decided her last name for a girl, his for a boy. Though in the end they only had a girl. I just feel like that's even more confusing. And he said that it's hard for Dad's who have different last names than their kids...he once had a tough time at the airport with his daughter b/c they said he was trying to take a minor over state lines. Women don't usually ahve this problem b/c no one htinks it's weird when they have a different last name. food for thought. Anyway, I think we'll end up with the compromise my sister has. She changed her name, but their kids will have Indian first names.
I do lose sleep over what will happen to my publication record...but then again I'm kind of excited to be the Doctors Fizics. Ugh...dunno what to do.
ggsb: well said. i feel the same way you do. it seems unromatic at first.....to be married for legal reasons (for lack of a better term), but it actually is not. i've always felt that someone should be committed to me no matter what, and if my FI felt that we needed to be married to be committed to each other, than i probably would not want to marry him (or anyone else who felt that way). we also live in a state that does not recognize partenrships, so after being partners for a long period of time, we feel that we have too much to lose (financially), by not being married.
Ugh, that would piss me the hell off.
I mean, I'm going to be taking my fiance's name, and I suppose part of it is that "now everyone will know we're married!"...but that doesn't mean that if I don't take it, we're not! You get married so that you can be surrounded by the support of friends and family, and so that you're legally bound to each other, as well as emotionally. There are a lot of other reasons too, of course. But to say that if you don't change your name it nullifies all of those! Bah.
I think changing your last name is a very personal decision and one shouldn't feel obliged to do this. I'm sorry the joy of this process has been dampened by your husband's words about this. Guys can just say things that don't mean to be as callous as they come out. Mine keeps telling me that it's so weird, but good, to have a ring on his finger. It felt weird for me to have an e-ring on my finger at first, but I didn't tell him that because I knew it would hurt his feelings. Oh well... Name changing IS a big deal (I didn't do it for professional reasons) and there are a lot of people out there who are genuinely surprised when a woman doesn't change her name, so perhaps your husband is just part of this large group.
For example, we had a really awkward moment at the City Clerk's office when we applied for the marriage license. The clerk looked over my part of the application and said, 'Are you sure you don't want to change your last name?' in an awful tone. I was so surprised and turned red because I felt like he was asking me if I was sure I wanted to make this mistake. It also made my husband-to be feel like he should have been pushing me to change my name. So, I unapologetically answered, 'Yes, I'm sure' and but then later felt the need to tell my husband-to-be that it didn't mean I loved him any less than I possibly could. He said 'don't worry about it' but I think he was happy to hear it.
to the original first post "what's the point..." comment...nobody mentioned spousal priviliges!! .. ok that being said, i think everyone has their opinions on this issue, I personally think that your husband is being irrational about it, and I don't blame you that you feel a bit forced rather than want to...so if your last name wasn't so obnoxious as you said, would he change it then?? and for ppl in nyc, why is it on the license there's a category for the girl to change her surname and NOT for the guy?? what if the guy wants to do it...argh i hated that, and to travelchick i would complain to the supervisor =)
Im hyphenating and that's that. FH teases me about it but would never force me. Obviously, marriage is more than just taking someone's name - and I hope your FH understands that. Seriously, I dont think there is enough rooms here for me to even start saying the reasons to get married - and you are not being irrational at all.
Thanks ladies
Well, he said that this is just oine of those topics that we disagree on and that's it, and that I should just respect his opinion.
He said he'd still marry me even if I'd not taken his name. But since we'd already known I was going to, he threw the comment out there, and that it's HIS belief that women should show their committment to the relationship (much in the same way the man gives the woman an engagement ring) by taking his name. He said that otherwise, they should wait until she's comfortable doing so, unless you have a valid reason, like professional or stuff like that. Since I really don't have a "valid" reason and I'm not that staunch a feminist (which he said he'd respect if i was and that'd be cool) he didn't see why I was suddenly so offended since I was going to take his name anyways. He had no idea it was going to be a big deal. And he said that whenever one of his buddy's new wives dont' take their name, everybody whispers about whether nor not she's REALLY that committed and they all turn their noses up at the idea.
So, whatever. I think it's an insecurity, but he's right, i never implied before I wasn't going to, it's the principle of the matter. He said that he's allowed to disagree with me on topics =].
So that's where we stand I guess. We both apologized, and I have to remember that I guess there are times I say things that I don't mean that are ignorant and I want the same understanding tha the isn't going to beat it into the ground when I say i didn't mean it that way, or i meant it as a generalization that doesn't refer to the two of us. I still think it was a bad comment, but I'll lay it to rest. No sense beating a dead horse if he feels that way about it, i can't change his thought that i should show MY committment to him by taking his name when he showed his by giving me a ring. I see the validity.
And, like he said, he GAVE me the name by marrying me. He didn't force me to have it. It's a gift he said.
I'm changing my name; it wasnt even a question; professionally its easier if I keep my maiden name I asked my fiance, he said no you will be Mrs. so and so, he's very traditional
I'm excited about chaning my name; luckily I already found old classmates on facebook, when my name hasnt chanegd yet
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What a weird thing to just throw out there! I'd be pretty upset, too, especially because I already have a lot of ambivalence about changing my name. But there are lots of reasons to get married even so, not the least of which are the legal benefits of marriage. You don't need to change your name for those.
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Yeah, I wouldn't have been thrilled either. Actually, I think my fiance knows that if he'd said "what's the point" I would have gone straight back to the courthouse and changed it again just to prove the point. Ok, maybe not but I would have threatened. :-)
Hope things smooth over for you guys. It's so hard to do long distance! Good luck!
Déjà vu!!! We had the exact same conversation on Sunday afternoon and I was taken back when my FI said "what's the point in all of this?" "why get married?" Uggghhh!
I realize now that the subject of name changing has a much deeper meaning for both of us.
It's just so strange!!! Abandon my sweet, three-letter, last name (at the begining of the alphabet) belonging to me for 30 years and take his long, eight-letter, last name at the end of the alphabet. I'm sure much of my reluctance is that my father died when I was 13 and I feel my last name is my strongest bond to him (my father).
It deeply hurt, confused and surprised my FI that I even questioned taking his name and I realized how much it bothered him when he made such crazy comments.
Needless to say, I'm most likely taking his last name. I'm just confused on what to do with my full name after I take his. Do I drop my middle name, last name or keep them all? So many decisions!
I'm glad you guys worked everything out! And it's too sweet...his remark on gifting his name to you.
From a guys perspective. Nobody wants to be married to a hyphen, it is degrading as a man. It shows that she is ashamed of your last name and stuck in the 60s woman movement to show that she is an equal. Everyone knows now that women are equals and have upperhand in every relationship. Give your soon to be husband this much at least, and for your future kids, so they dont have to say their name is johnny smith-hawken. honestly, just change add your maiden name to your middle name.
I hope most married men are secure enough not to feel degraded by a woman who values her own name!
Bobthompson- I think it's degrading to a woman to say that our personal opinion is some old-school 60's concept about equality! How rude and untrue! It does NOT show she is ashamed of a last name, that's just dumb- NO ONE said that they aren't changing because of being "ashamed." It isn't about the name at all- it's just a name anyway, it's the marriage and the love that matters. Men make such a big deal out of it, and I'm pretty sure that type of opinion on the matter equates to some ridiculous insecurity on a man's part. Some men just don't have the confidence or stones in their relationship and themselves to accept a woman and her personal decisions.
Wow this bobthompson character is, well, there are no words. I'm always skeptical of the guys who come to the hive just to make one assenine comment, then disappear off into the blue.
At the very least, learn some tact, buddy. It's not degrading to a man, and if it is, maybe that man needs to learn some security.
bobthompson..noone on the board has ever said they were ashamed of taking or not taking their husband's name...and why do you think it's degrading to have a hypen? i think YOUR views are stuck in the 60s or whatever era you want live in...obviously it's not 2009, agree with arineya, you are RUDE!
Although I sort of agree with his point of view, even though it didn't need to be expressed (as you were already happy to take on his name) and the way he said it could have been better.
I'm sorry, but I do sort of take his point, I don't understand why you'd want to marry someone and not have their name for the world to see you're a unit. Otherwise why get married? You could live together and love each other and have a family and a big party declaring it without getting married and keeping your own names surely?
It's a bit off for it to be expected by someone for someone to do it: nowadays there are hypenations, and probably even some reversals (man taking woman's surname? not sure of this one). I have no problem with eventually taking my bfs name, even though it will sound mildly ridiculous! I want his name as my last name. I don't care for my surname all that much, it's not horrible, but neither am I attached to it.
I certainly wouldn't say a hyphenation/not taking is degrading, probably disappointing to some fellas out there.
I want his last name to show that we are as one, and partly because I've never thought of it otherwise. I was quite surprised at a lot of people's reactions on here about their names.
I think the conversation between me and my honey went something like this:
Me: So I am thinking I want to take your name.
Him: Okay.
Me: Would it be weird to you if I didn't?
Him: No.
Me: Okay!
Yeah. So not an issue for us. But I am the only one of my sisters who did decide to take my hubby-to-be's name. In fact, they were both taken aback by it, but not in a judgemental way. I just remember a conversation with my grandmother when she said she felt like taking my grandpa's name was one of the most romantic aspects of getting married. That really stuck with me. But in my mind it is a personal decision, for both partners. Neither of them should make any assumptions about what will happen or how the other will feel about it.
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