Post # 1
Ok, i now there was a big mess of conflict over a similar issue before, but I really just don’t understand something. What about becoming married and changing your LAST name means that you no longer get to have your own first name in formal situations? Unless you’re a doctor or have some other sort of title than Mrs. (including Ms.), then apparently, according to Emily Post, you get to have a first name of your own.
It’s coming up as a source of conflict between my FI and me as we have addressed save the dates. He thinks Mr. and Mrs. Wife’s first and husband’s first and their last is too cumbersome. I *think* we’ve comprimised on no first names, (e.g. Mr. and Mrs. Smith).
Anyway, I tend to reconcile these issues by researching them and understanding them better. For example, I didn’t want to do a first dance (I don’t like to dance), but have agreed to it now that I realize that the guests won’t know it’s ok for them to dance unless the bride and groom have their first dance. So I would be able to better wrap my head around this if I understand the rationale behind it. Any thoughts? Google hasn’t been to helpful (although I haven’t looked too hard).
Post # 3
I could be completely wrong, so someone please correct me if I am. It was my understanding that if a woman didn’t want to go by “Mrs. John Smith” than Ms. was used instead of Mrs. (so Mr. John Smith and Ms. Jane Smith). So, Mrs. is associated with using your husband’s name socially and Ms. is if you use your first name socially.
Post # 4
I could be wrong, but I *think* it’s because historically, “Mrs.” meant “wife of.” So if the husband is living, you would be Mrs. John Smith, wife of John Smith. I personally hate that custom and think it erases the identity of the wife, but I realize that lots of people don’t see it that way.
Post # 5
You’re right, the “rule” is that women who use Ms. are addressed by their own first names.
It’s not an issue for me personally because 1. I’m not changing my last name 2. I will be a doctor (God-willing!) next summer. So anyone who would call me by Mrs. John Smith would be in error (according to the ettiquette books).
I just don’t understand the general concept. Had I decided to change my last name and be known as Mrs. Smith, why would I not get a first name in formal situations? Or why should other women? I firmly believe that the choice of changing your LAST name is deeply personal and should be respected. However, I just don’t understand why that means that the formal ettiquette dictates that you dont’ get a first name of your own. What’s the history/tradition/reasoning behind this?
Post # 6
I’ve heard also that “Mrs Jane Smith” is the way widows are addressed according to traditional etiquette.
Honestly though, with the feminist movement and all, the value that people place on traditional etiquette (or the value that they see in it) is changing.
We choose to go with Mr and Mrs John and Jane Smith when we were announced at the wedding.
This is for your save the dates? Are you already married? If you’re not married yet it might look a little weird to be going by Jane Smith (instead of your maiden name). Or to be going by Mrs, since you’re not yet, you know?
Post # 7
This came up when we were addressing our save-the-dates (what to call married couples with the same last name).
Basically, I don’t want to address our invites Mr. and Mrs. Jane Smith and FI does (because it’s “correct”). He’s pretty rules-oriented in general, which has it’s advantanges. I just would have an easier time seeing his side if I understood the rationale behidn the rule.
Post # 8
I absolutely hate that the woman gets completely left off of that formal address so we did Mrs.Jane and Mr. John Smith. I dont know where it comes from…and etiquette wise I could care less….haha.