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I don't know what it is about people and their horribly rude comments. Not only do you have to put up with it while preggo, it keeps on going once the baby's here! I just can't believe the audacity of people.
• Three days after birth, I was out checking the mail when my neighbor lady (much older, has grown children) asked me when the baby was coming. Irritating while pregnant, I was completely pissed she asked me this now! I said I had delivered this past Monday, and she says, "Oh! Well, yeah, I suppose you don't look NINE months pregnant anymore." Uh, WTF? Do I look six months pregnant then, you old witch?? I JUST GAVE BIRTH! Give me a week or two to de-bloat, mmmkay? Now I want to go traipse around in my sports bra in the front yard with my baby, since I lost all the weight so quickly. That'll show her!
• Today I went couch shopping with my mom and sister with baby in tow. The salesmen are all guys. My mom is carrying her first, then my sister wants to hold her, and finally one comes up and asks, "So who's the mama?" I say me (the diaper bag I was lugging around probably should have given it away) and he says, "Oh, so you're sick of that kid already, huh?" Uh, no douchebag. I only get to see my family once a month, and they like to hold my baby.
• Later, another decides to pull the baby card to make a sale, and says, "So, you having any more soon?" (which is stupid enough, because am I grilling you on your reproductive habits bucko?) and after I give an emphatic, NO! I want to wait a while, he responds with "Oh, so this one wasn't exaclty planned, eh?" with a leer. Okay, asshat, now you're implying I'm an irrisponsible unwed mother?! I shut him the hell up with "No, I planned her, but I actually tore from vagina to anus, and would like a few years to recover from the shock." Priceless. So much more satisfying to see the shock on his face than to complain to the manager!
I mean, in what world is it appropriate to ask a stranger whether the baby was planned or not? Anybody else fallen victim to hapless inquiries?
The first two were honest mistakes, the second a douche canoe.
I know its hard, but not everyone knows they are bring obnoxious or insulting. Your neighbor was trying to be nice and conversational and was trying to back track. The guy, well made a mistake, but i wasnt malicious and probably was trying to make a joke.
Its a senstive time with a lot going on, stress and emotions. Try to give people the benefit of the doubt. Enjoy your baby and congrats!
If I am ever with my daughter without my husband people always ask me if I am still with her father... and even when he is sometimes people ask me if he is the father. Sure I am a young mother and sure she looks 100% like me and nothing like her father but still... that isn't something that you ask someone in my opinion.
Reading these posts always makes me wonder what I CAN say to pregnant women/mothers, since the first two seem pretty innocent. Seems like everything is offensive - makes me hyperanxious about making conversation with prego and mother friends for fear of inadvertent offense. You're right about the third one though - he was douchey and your comeback was great :)
My son has food allergies and is EBF. After telling a women at work, she told me that I should feed him everything he is allergic to in order for him to build up a tollerance. Umm nice lady, send my infant into shock!
Same women told me that by cloth diapering I am raising my son to a nudest! She said that he just prefers cloth diapers because are loose (she was thinking of the prefold kind but I explained pockets diapers) and that he just likes to "free ball" it all the time. And her exact words were "You know what your doing right? Your just rasing him to be a nudest! He just likes to free ball it". Umm yea ok lady.
I also had my family doctor ask me who my babies father was. I responded by saying "umm my hudband". I guess this could be an honest mistake on his part since the receptionist never updated my chart with my married name and I haven't been seen in their office since I was married/pregnant. He did however say he just assumed I was a single mother and went off on some tangent about how so many people are not with their babies fathers and you never know these days, etc. I still didn't think it was a question a doctor should be asking a patient, but we laughed it off.
Oooh, I don't have kids, but can I share one from my BFF? She had her first baby exactly 3 weeks ago. He's a perfect angel during the day, but likes to cry pretty much nonstop from 10pm to 3 am. The only thing that calms him at all is movement. So she or her husband will often take him out walking late at night. The other night it was raining, so he was in his stroller with the cover on. Usually she wears him in the sling, but she was scared she'd slip and fall. Anyway. He was crying and fussing as usual, and she was walking him. A man on the streetcorner looked her, looked at the baby, looked back at her, and said, "You know, your baby's crying."
That man is lucky he is still among the living.
@sand dollar: I don't have babies yet, but I just wanted to tell you I LMAO reading your post;) I get it...People are so dumb sometimes and it is maddening. I am still trying to think of something clever to say when people tell me to "RELAX" and I'll get pregnant. Right now, I want to sucker punch anyone who says that. So I can kind of relate:) No one understands my situation, it's a little different. If I "Relaxed", due to the fact that my husband would be offshore a million miles away each month for work every time I ovulated, then there would be no baby, because the last time I checked, "Relaxing" does not shoot millions of sperm into my body. Ugh. I love what you told that salesman;) I'll laugh about that all night:)
This is why when I see pregnant women or mothers with newborns/young children, unless they look like they need a hand with something, I leave them the hell alone!
What is it about having a child, inside or outside of your uterus, that makes people think they're entitled to walk up and run their mouth off? If you wouldn't speak to me on the bus normally, why, if I were pregnant, would you feel free to nudge me and say, "Whoa, you got twins in there?" People need to learn to mind their own business, and if they can't do that, then they should at least think before they speak.
@linguo42: But on the other end I have had people ask me if I am younger than I am, if I need help carrying stuff (when I am certainly strong enough) etc. If you are a female, people are going to ask you stuff, sometimes insulting, sometimes complemtary. Its the way it is and the good comes with the bad.
And in a Subway or T or other public transport a pregnant person would like a seat to sit, but they dont want to be recognized as pregnant otherwise?
@lefeymw: And those people asking how old or young you are are out of line too.
There's a difference between asking a pregnant woman if she would like your seat on the bus vs. remarking on her size or trying to touch her belly without asking. The former is potentially useful to her, the latter is not.
I would only offer my seat if I was 100% sure the lady was pregnant. :-) Can you imagine?
Here, take my seat!
Why?
Well I know how hard it is to stand all day when you're pregnant.
I'm not pregnant.
...
@jholler25: This was my #1 pet peeve while TTC, second only to the "When it's the right time, God will give you a baby" comments. ARGH! Do people not realize when they say these things, they are BLAMING YOU for not being able to get pregnant? I mean, for realz. What if you have PCOS or endometriosis, and conception requires significant planning and effort? What if it just takes a long time?!? That's why with #2, (if there is a #2) I won't tell anyone when we start TTC. For some reason your vagina and sex life just becomes a free-for-all for everybody. Including your friend's incredibly ignorant moron of a husband who wants to act like he knows everything about pregnancy and babies. Not that that happened to me or anything...
@MrsWrangler: It's really not super hard. Stick with things like, "Oh my gosh! You look fabulous and your baby is beautiful!" even if my boobs are leaking and I look like I haven't slept in 15 years and my baby is covered in spit-up stains. And avoid anything referencing vaginas, family planning, sexual activity, or parenting skills. No "Are you ready for round two yet?" or "You know how to get that baby out, have lots of sex!" or "Wow, you're not pregnant yet? Why don't you try relaxation/massage/prayer/etc" unless you're a really close friend of the person you're talking to. Those are the equivalent of me asking you whether you have a yeast infection because you're smelling kinda funky. It's just beyond casual-stranger conversation!
@sand dollar: LMAO about the yeast infection comment! YES! I don't make assumptions on medical conditions of anyone, why is it ok for those TTC/pregnant/postpartum??
The worst comment I received was "So are you experiencing postpartum depression? Because you look really crappy today." Men have no tact. Or brains.
I was nearing the end of my pregnancy and walking through Lowes with my FI...and some guy just walks by us and says "So, twins on the way?" He didn't even give us time to respond he just kept walking. Of course..looking back I could careless..but in that moment I was so upset!!
Also..I'm sick of people randomly coming up and touching my baby!! One lady even tried to give him a cheerio that she was walking around holding in her hands. I don't know where your hands of been!! Then, the ones who ask to hold him..um NO I don't know you!!
@sand dollar: "No, I planned her, but I actually tore from vagina to anus, and would like a few years to recover from the shock."
Those are the equivalent of me asking you whether you have a yeast infection because you're smelling kinda funky.
I'm falling in <3 with you. You are killing me over here LOL
@sand dollar: You're SO right! They are blaming me for not being pregnant! I knew it aggravated the p*ss out of me everytime I hear the Relax and the God comments (you nailed it btw, the God comments make me equally crazy) but I didn't think of it that way! Those two comments alone make me constantly say, "I hate people." Which sounds really mean but it makes me doubt mankind that people are so damn IGNORANT! But you are hilarious and if you think of a funny/makes-the-other-person-feel-awkward comment that I can say to all the idiots who think they know why I'm not pregnant yet, please let me know!
My daughter has red hair and blue eyes and both my husband and I are brunettes with brown eyes. She was about 2-3 months old and we were in the grocery store and a lady stopped us and was like "oh my goodness where does he (keep in mind she was wearing a blue dress with fllowers all over it and white sandals that had daisies on them) get all his red hair from, it obviously isn't from either of you..." I was cranky as it was so I just looked at her and was like- "well obviously I had an affair with the milk man, thanks for bringing it up." The look on her face was priceless.
I really wish people would grow some tact, especially concerning other people's children.
@LpCutiPie: haha then they walk off and think YOU were rude...when indeed it was none of their business to ask in the first place. I love these post I have always liked seeing pregnant woman and commenting, these post help me to know what to say and what not to say as not to offend them.
When you read em' it makes sense... don't go grabbing strangers tummy's (you wouldn't do it on a normal day), don't ask are you having two, do say wow you are big (believe me she is a woman she knows that), just say you look beautiful when are you due? Pregnancy looks good on you. Those are nice!
When my daughter was an infant she was a girly girl, huge blue eyes, blonde curls, rosy cheeks. I always had her in pink or dresses, and without fail people would ask ALL THE EFFING TIME "Is it a boy or a girl?"
Why would I put my son in a flowered dress and pink mary janes with a bow in his hair?
No common sense!
Also when strangers in the supermarket would see me buying formula and lecture me for not breast feeding. I got into it with one woman, I thought security might get involved.
@KatyElle: "Also when strangers in the supermarket would see me buying formula and lecture me for not breast feeding. I got into it with one woman, I thought security might get involved."
People DO that?! That's absolutely awful :(
@firsttimemom: Yup! This has indeed happened to me. One older woman asked if I was supplementing breastfeeding with formula and when I told her it wasn't her business she said "I'm a nurse" like that makes it ok, and proceeded to tell me that newborns need to drink lots of water (no, they don't).
This isn't really stupid, but it annoyed me.
My father was visiting us in the hospital, when our daughter was one whole day old, and she was crying because he had overstimulated her with a "goo-goo, ga-ga" kind of loud babytalk. I took her and held her and suggested it was probably time to nurse her anyway, and he said: "You have to let her cry it out."
I'm not sure I'm going to be a fan of crying it out at all, but for a newborn infant? Puh-leeze!
*You need to let your baby cry more, it helps develop their lungs (MIL)
*We recommend that our parents not weigh their babies, they might get confused (pediatrician)
*You breastfeed your baby? You are not a modern woman, no wonder you're not working right now (neighbor)
Good rules of thumb:
Don't comment on someone's appearance unless it is "You look beautiful." Anything else is probably rude. (You look so big! You carry it so well, it's all in your hips! Twins?)
Don't. Touch.
Don't ask things that aren't your business. And if you're a stranger, that's pretty much everything.
Most of the offensive comments I've received are people just spouting off their opinions, which usually are the opposite of my opinions. :) I just smile and nod my head, and change the subject.
When I see pregnant women or parents with newborns, I try to stick to compliments ("Wow, you look great!" "Oh, what a little sweetie you have!" etc...). If you stick to compliments, you will basically never offend a pregnant woman or new mother.
I have a good one from going to the store this morning. My daughter (5.5 months) was in her umbrella stroller and started chewing on her foot. An older lady stops, askes how old she is and comments on how cute she is and then says "you really shouldn't let her chew on her feet, they get so dirty from walking around all day". I think having a baby is God's way of making sure I don't take things to seriously and helping me learn to deal with ignorant people.
@MuchGreater: If you see a stranger you believe is pregnant, I wouldn't recommend any of those- nothing is more embarrasssing than someone asking when you're due and saying, "Um, I'm not pregnant..."
FI is caucasian (blonde/blue eyes) and I am asian (brunette/brown eyes). We took our nephew out to the park (newphew is blonde/blue eyes). FI is not a very hands on guy, so I have holding our newphew, pushing the stroller, feeding him his snack the whole time.
FI and I were in conversation and we put newphew in a swing next to another boy his age (around 1 years old). The babies noticed each other and FI and I were like "say hi to your friend!!"
The other baby's mother, who was sitting on the bench nearby talking to her friend) eyed us, and came over. I said "Hi", she picked up her child without saying anything and walked away. O___o
When I was a little girl I had maybe an inch or two of white blonde fuzz on my head until I was four. While wearing a pink dress with pink shoes, pink bows in my hair and pink earings in my piereced ears people would still come up to me and call me a boy. When it bothered me, my grandma taught me to say "I'm a girl not a boy. I have a vagina" and that usually shut them up pretty quick.
For (friendly, smiling obviously open to conversation) women with babies, I usually stick to the generic "your little one is gorgeous!" or comment on a feature like "what beutiful blue eyes" etc. If the baby is talking/ineracting, I'll address my complement to them "you have such pretty shoes, are those sparkles??". If a mama looks like she's rushing through the supermarket, it's not the time to stop her and try to chat. For obviously pregnant people, if and only if they look like they want to chat and are clearly open about their pregnancy, I'll tell them they look beautiful and ask the usual when are you due/what are you having.
@mrsbruff2b: You are obviously a baby snatcher. STRANGER DANGER!! hahaha!
@eurekaanchovies: We got this advice too. Along with not holding her because it will spoil her too much. It's just the old-style way of parenting I guess. Either way, still annoying.
@jholler25: Good reply: "Oh! When did you get your medical degree? Since you know so much about vaginas, can you tell me why I've been having this crazy itch lately?!?" Hee hee.
@firsttimemom: Oh, people do MUCH worse than that... some people think it's okay to go up to random strangers and tell them how to raise their child, and criticize everything they do.
@mightywombat: "You know your baby's crying." That killed me. I probably would have just dissolved into laughter if someone said that to me.
My daughter is teething and she bites everything. She was chewing on her stuffed animal and some lady told me I needed to feed her more because she was hungry. I was so stunned I couldn't even respond.
I am pregnant now, and get the due date question... When learning I am 7 months pregnant, I get the: but you're so small, are you sure you're eating enough for the baby to be healthy? Hum, YES, I am, and the last time I checked, my doctor told me all is fine, baby's right on target and I actually gained 20 pounds so far. I agree that if you're going to comment on appearance, just stay with you look good comments, cute bump... anything else is out of line.
I had a guy who works in the same building as me, that I barely know ask me if I was planning a home or hospital birth, vaginal or not, and if I will be taking meds... A few weeks later I had to dodge this same guy in the hallway because he was trying to reach for my belly.
@MightySapphire: Those are the rules I follow!
I have a feeling when I am pregnant, if someone makes a weight comment to me, we all will be going to their funeral the next day. I will LOSE IT.
I never understood why people think it is ok to touch pregant strangers' stomachs?? Without asking?? I would lose my cool. A lady at work was saying how she got grabbed by someone who loves babies and wanted to feel her belly. AGH!!
In the first few days after having baby, you still look kinda pregnant... can you imagine people trying to feel your belly then???? It is never, ever appropriate.
@sand dollar: Whoops, just made it back to this thread.
Just to clarify, I avoid pregnant/child-having people like the plague if I don't know them - it's obviously just a huge can of worms and I would never want to inadvertently offend anyone. I was referring only to friends :) And I also think it's just a difference in personality too, cause people ask me all the time when my husband and I are going to start having kids//what age we want to start//etc and I don't take it as interest in our sex life or my vagina, just that people are interested in our lives and want to make conversation. So I just don't understand all these offended threads about people's comments, but they ARE super informative about what not to say :)
@MrsWrangler: With friends, I don't mind at all. I'll talk breastfeeding and hemerrhoids and vaginas until the cows come home. And you bet I've hit them all up for parenting/preggo advice! It's the fact that all these comments come from absolute strangers. I mean, I'd never even MET my neighbor when she said that! Talk about a first impression! The clerk at blockbuster decided to tell me exactly how to breastfeed ("15 minutes on each side now, and don't you let her play with your nipples!") Can you believe it?? People just don't have boundaries sometimes! I cannot even imaging running into someone and giving such personal unsolicited advice. Or rude comments.
@sand dollar: Oh yeah, strangers and advice would piss me off too. I don't even really talk to strangers, much less wander up and give them my personal opinion on their weight/children/whatever. How frustrating!
i think its just as bad when someone asks to touch your belly as when they just reach for it. even if you ask its still not ok!!!!! and i will say no and then y ou will think that its ME with the problem!!!! used to drive me crazy. like I was just a horrible person because I told you that you cannot rub on my belly.
I went to starbucks one day while very obviously pregnant and i ordered a regular old caffeinated coffee. yep i did it while i was pregnant. I know the "rules" but i wanted a coffee so i got one, sue me :O. anyway, the barista who took my order was like you want that decaf right?! and im like no....did i say decaf? she's like (with this horrified look on her face) "but....YOU'RE PREGNANT!!!!!" so i said look im asking for regular coffee here not marijuana or cocaine ok?! now can you please just take my order as i gave it to you and leave the decision making on what i will or wont do while pregnant up to me!!!!!. the manager happened to be there and she quickly apologized and made my order free. Im sure I will get judged for drinking caffeine while preggo :\ i didnt do it everyday or anything for the record but i did do it.
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