Post # 1
Ladies I need your advice. My fiance and I are 4 months away from our wedding and I don’t know what’s going on with me!! I just feel like things aren’t the same anymore. We have a long distance relationship which makes it SOO much harder!! I feel like we don’t talk as much, like he doesn’t call as much, we’re not "cute" and to "cute and wonderful" things as much as we used to, or as much as I think engaged couples should do/be. In a way, I don’t feel satisfied…or happy…I don’t know WHAT it is.
I’ve prayed about it for a few days now and I just want the Lord’s will for our life no matter what that looks like. Of course I love him but a part of me also feels like we’re not as "in love" as we used to be. We’ve only been dating for 1 year and 9 months and I feel like we should still be "head over heels" for each other and I’m not feeling that he is. We’ve been engaged for 3.5 months now and I’m finding out stuff about him that I don’t really like. For example, the ridiculous amount of time he spends on the internet and on video games and doesn’t help his parents around the house much.
This is the third time (since we’ve been engaged) that I’ve wondered whether I would truly be happy with him and if he would be able to fulfill my needs/desires. I’ve talked to him about some of this and he just doesn’t seem to get it or agree. I don’t know what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!! 🙁 The hardest thing is not really knowing EXACTLY what’s wrong…whether it’s me, him, or our relationship. It’s hard b/c he’s my first real boyfriend so I don’t really have any previous relationship to compare it to.
And another thing is that a lot of times when things are "good" with us I feel distant from God 🙁 (because sometimes we cross boundaries, not sex, but things that are not pleasing to God). He truly does love God but I don’t like where our relationship is heading. I wish things were simpler. We have been disagreeing and somewhat arguing a lot more lately which makes me worry. I’ve always thought that the disagreeing/arguing was making us stronger (and it has) but there also comes a point when we just want to enjoy our relationship.
Any advice??? Please keep us in prayer!
Post # 3
Ohhhh, hun those are horrible feelings! I would suggest first of all, consider postponing your wedding. You have been together less than 2 years, getting married in 4 months, and in a long distance relationship? I think this relationship might need some time to grow, you need some time to nurture it. In person, not just over the phone 🙂 I have read ‘The Conscious Bride’ and found it useful (there is a website too), maybe this is something you could consider. Engagement can be a difficult time for any couple but considering what you’ve said, I think there is room for pause. Good luck, I hope you can find some peace.
Post # 4
@JoyousBride, i have no solid advice for you but my FI and I were doing long distance for 3 years and it was sooooo hard.. it definitely put a strain on the relationship and i wasn’t feeling "head over heels" like i was before the long distance. Once we were back in the same city and spending real time together things changed dramatically for the better. Please stay positive and you are in my prayers!
Post # 5
- Wedding: January 2010 - Trinity Presbyterian Church/Harrison Opera House
I know how long distance can take it’s toll on relationships. Can you schedule a visit where the main purpose is to reconnect (rather than make wedding plans, etc)? I would see how a visit like that goes before making a final decision.
Do you have friends, family members, or a pastor who you could talk to about this? Do any of them express concerns about your relationship?
Are you all going through premarital counseling at all? I think it’s an important time to reflect on your relationship. In our counseling we had homework to ask our family what they thought about our relationship. During a rocky time in our relationship, I was able to hear outside views and it reaffirmed that we were good together and just need to Biblically resolve some conflict.
Praying that God will give you a clear sign!
Post # 6
How do you handle big changes in your life? Is this reaction typical of you? I know whenever I have had big changes (moving away to go to college, for example), I freak out initially, spend a lot of time second-guessing myself, and then finally settle down happy. That could be happening to you.
Also, engagements and wedding planning are stressful, as is long-distance. Lots of couples squabble during their engagement, moreso than when they were just dating. My husband and I certainly did. Your reactions may just be your normal reactions to these stressors.
That said, engagements are also a time where you learn a lot about the other person, sometimes things that you don’t like. When you say you don’t like the way your relationship is heading, what do you mean?
I know you are praying about this, which is wonderful, but I would encourage you not to "rush" God—your wedding is coming up and you feel like you have to make a decision now or in the least four months from now. But that’s not true. You have all the time in the world to make your decision. Money and disappointments are nothing in the big picture of your happiness, which is really what God and your family and friends want for you.
Post # 7
For what it’s worth, like chelseamorning said, we argued a lot more during our engagement than we did when we were just dating or now, since we’ve been married. We were both just sooooooo stressed out.
I second the recommendation to try to schedule a visit where you just spend time together and don’t talk about wedding stuff. It seems like non-wedding stuff is worrying you too, though; maybe that would be a good opportunity to evaluate that? My husband and I were long-distance for two years and discovered that we would often miscommunicate via email or over the phone; we really need to sit down face-to-face to have important discussions.
Finally, if you are really not 100% feeling like this is the guy you should marry and that’s a feeling that you’re having more than every once in a while for a few seconds at a time in a moment of utter frustration, then maybe postponing it wouldn’t be a bad idea. Everybody gets frustrated with one another, but if this is your first boyfriend and you’re having a lot of doubts, there’s nothing wrong with taking your time. A wedding date can be moved. Your happiness and peace of mind (and heart) are what’s important.
Are you getting any support or feedback from your family or friends?
Post # 8
I think asking yourself those questions is a healthy part of the process as is figuring out what your expectations are and where you are able to compromise.
A good couples counselor can help you work through those issue and perhaps help you ask yourself the BIG questions regarding committing to this particular man in marriage and expectations about loving someone (and ‘feeling’ in love). Love is a choice and not something you will always ‘feel’.
You may be over the ‘honeymoon’ phase of your relationship – and wedding stress in general is what’s making you see some of the less ‘lovey-dovey-ness’ of the relationship. Not knowing how old you guys are, what kind of relationship history you have, etc., it’s a little hard to give you better advice – but you certainly must know it’s easier to postpone or call off a wedding than to go through the pain of divorce years later.
Post # 9
Thanks ladies for all of your advice! I think it’s mainly a lack of understanding, misinterpretation and PMS!!! Sometimes I have to stop being so emotional and be more COMMITTED because that’s what marriage boils down to…a commitment. Of course, there’s all the wonderful things like serving each other, loving each other, etc. Anyway, I wish I would stop being such a roller coaster ride sometimes.
Post # 10
That IS a healthy thing to ask yourself!!
Like someone else said above…make time…to just talk about life and have no wedding talk! The guys tend to get a little stressed out, whether they say so or not…and they tend to get argumentative. It’s a huge decision during this time and the largest responsibility they’ve had! 🙂
My boyfriend does the video game thing too…and I am 100% with you there sometimes not knowing what to say or do. It’s taken a lot of talks and sometimes quite intense ones that end with me in tears…but he’s learning to budget his time and spend it doing other things. He struggles being responsible at home too…although he is now getting better! Sometimes i think we girls, are a bit more advanced in this area…and they learn a little bit slower. Not anything against hte guys!!!!! My FI kinda needs it listed out. If you leave it vague as to responsibilities, it won’t happen. I think it intimidates him. Your FI may be the same!?
Schedule that time, possibly start doing a bible study together? and read my response to the post about sexual purity. 🙂 It’s hard, but you can do it!!! Just decide whether or not you can live with him playing video games. Coming across as concerned/argumentative sometimes doesn’t help…you almost have to direct it at the spiritual walk with God. Is he putting that before God? Is he honoring his family by taking care of what he’s been given? that sort…Say you’re really wanting to know what he thinks about that. And pray….:)
I will pray for you! 🙂
Write to me if you need encouragement!
Post # 11
I agree with spwinggal about the pre-marital counseling. My FI and I did it, and I think it brought us closer together. It’s really a way of fine-tuning your relationship. Kind of like a tune-up, or oil change on your car. It’s a way of giving you insight into your SO, and a way of working out problems (like this one) together and ways to solve them. We really thought of the counseling as a preventative measure. I highly recommend it to any couple! 🙂
Post # 12
I’m also in a long distance relationship, and know the stress it can add. But I also know that love is about a lot more than the ‘head over heels’ feelings. Those will come and go throughout most relationships – and if the warm fuzzies I get from watching romantic movies is any indication, are more about you than you and him. 🙂 Don’t get me wrong – I love the warm fuzzies and I love the romantic times in a relationship, but they aren’t foundational.
Have you and your fiance done any premarital (or pre-engagement) counseling? Even from far away, my bf and I have been working through a list of questions we got from our pastor. Each time we talk on the phone we tackle one question – and hope to be finished with them all by the time I see him next (December 31st, my plane gets in a 8:34 at night! I’m counting the days!). The questions focus a lot on expectations and communication – two things that can make or break a relationship, in my experience (and that of those close to me).
Without knowing many more details of your situation, I would strongly urge you to look into some form of premarital ‘counseling’. When you and your FI take a long hard look at yourselves and your relationship together, you’ll grow together (or, heaven forbid, you’ll realize it’s not right before it’s too late), and then you’ll be ready to start marriage on a healthy, strong foot.
I hope things work out for you two, and that your relationship will grow in the Lord.
Post # 13
I was very disappointed the first time I realized I didn’t have that butterfly feeling everytime I saw him. I thought there had to be something wrong. And for awhile (2 hours) I convinced myself this could not work because we were just good friends. Luckily I have a very patient FH who talks me down every time I become silly or suddenly find some reason we wont work that I JUST should have seen sooner in the 2 years we’ve been together. Mine is a bit of fear, fear of making a mistake, fear of overlooking something major in the excitement of finding such a great guy. Mr. S plays online games & has other hobbies that take up a large amount of his time. He doesn’t always remember to do the things I ask around the house, but he is my best friend and he goes out of his way to remind me that he loves me each and every time I freak out. He is understanding of why I tend to do this and patient with me. In one of my worst freak outs when I tried to push him away and was being very difficult he waited on me to come home, held me, and told me it would take more than anything I’ve got to make him walk away. I think that’s what I needed to hear. That no matter how difficult I may sometimes be (and oh can I ) he loves me more than that. So I guess I am saying it’s okay to be having these fears marriage is a HUGE step and not one to be taken lightly, you should be considering many of the complicated and hard to answer questions. Better to work through them now than later… if he is willing to work with you and tackle this situation I think your relationship will grow even more.
Post # 14
Long distance is not fun, I am there right now too! I’m not going to add to the wonderful advice you have been given by the lovely ladies above, but maybe him spending so much time on the Internet is because he misses you?