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There are two brooms in a broom closet.
A girl broom and a boy broom.
One day, the girl broom turns to the boy broom and says "I think we should have a little whisk broom"
To which the boy broom replies "But honey, we haven't even swept together!"
Go ahead, giggle, groan, roll on the floor laughing...
@KMSull- Hope your evening goes better! Here's to a better Friday!
lol @jocelyn! I have such a kid's sense of humor. ;) My favorite are pirate jokes... I make FI tell me one whenever I have a bad day. We always make them up on the spot, but they follow this pattern:
What's a pirate's favorite pattern?
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgyle! Har har.
For Marigold-
A pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel attached to the front of his pants.
"What's that?" asked the bartender.
"Arggg," replied the pirate. "It's driving me nuts."
The husband loves that one.
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
OR
Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."
The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.
That night over dinner, the first man tells his story: "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"
The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and I had sex with her in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."
"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"
"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."
WHY IS THAT A NEW JERSEY JOKE!? I am born and bred Jersey and I don't even get it!
I dunno why it's a NJ joke, I just think it's funny. It could be changed to Ontario, or whatever if you like. And because this is another post....
Wanna hear a dirty joke? A white horse fell in the mud.
Wanna hear a clean joke? The horse took a bath with bubbles.
Wanna hear another dirty joke? Bubbles was another horse.
OMGOMGOMGOMG 365! I TOTALLY forgot about that joke, but I totally heard it a couple weeks ago but instead of guys camping it was homeless guys. LOVE. It's so wrong but oh so hilarious.
These are TOTALLY helping! Keep 'em coming!
My husband got this from one of his sixth graders.
A pirate captain's first mate tells his captain to put on a red shirt as they await the enemy on the horizon.
"What for?!" exclaims the Captain.
"Because if you get stabbed," responded the first mate, "no one will be able to tell."
"Ok," responded the captain. "Fetch me a red shirt and I shall wear it."
Hours and hours go by and a legion of forty ships is found lurking due west on a collision course for the pirate ship.
"Captain! Captain!" yelled the first mate. "There are forty ships headed our way at a course of twenty knots! Do you have your red shirt on?"
To which the captain responded: "Forty ships? Hell, forget my red shirt, find my brown pants!"
This isn't my favorite, but it's one of them. :p
A little boy goes outside and asks his father,"Daddy, what is sex?"
The father is flustered, then goes into a few-too-many details while explaing to his son the birds and the bees.
After he was finished, he asked the boy why he asked. The boy answered, "Because mom said dinner would be ready in a few secs."
HAR HAR HAR. Not as good typed out as it is out loud. :p
So, to finish out, Bert and Ernie gangsta rap!
"Doctor doctor, I feel like a deck of cards!" "I'll deal with you later."
"Doctor doctor, I feel like a set of drapes!" "Pull yourself together!"
"Doctor doctor, am I going to die?" "That's the last thing you'll do."
"Doctor doctor, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam!" "Calm down, you're two tents!"
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Hi Hive.
I have has a super terrible day, no lie, and need some major cheering up.
So... what's your favorite joke? Dirty, clean... whatever! Just make me laugh.
My current favorite:
A man who collects expensive cars forgets his 20th wedding anniversary. His wife, absolutely furious, tells him that there had better be something for HER that goes 1-200 in 6 seconds or less in the driveway in the morning or ELSE. The next morning, she gets out of bed and sees a package in the driveway so she takes it in the house and opens it up. It was a scale.