(Closed) When a mother refuses to be a part of mother daughter wedding activities

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
2324 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m really sorry that you are going through all this. It may be just that she’s finding it difficult to accept that you are building your own life.

Have you thought about speaking to her & explaining how her behaviour is affecting you?

Post # 4
Member
47 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2013

My mom was the same way when we first got engaged.  She didn’t even want to talk about it. However, as time went on, she gradually warmed up to the idea.  She now is actively involved in the planning process.  Sometimes, I think it just takes some time for them to adjust and to try to be happy for us.  I hope that the situation with your mom works out similarly.  Just try to be patient 🙂 

Post # 5
Member
7992 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

I am not involving my Mum at all, but involving her was never really an option, in my case. You, however, sound like you are close, so I realise this could be upsetting. To be honest, however, why do you need her permission or support? You’re a big girl now. PPs have suggested talking to her about how upsetting her behaviour is, but I suspect she already knows, but doesn’t care. She obviously has some chip on her shoulder about marriage in general… is her marriage to your father happy? Was she unhappily married before she met him? Either way, it is very hard to get people to change their views, especialy if they are a llittle older.

I suggest you just leave her to stew in whatever problems she has, until she is more prepared to communicate them with you like a reasonable adult. There is also no hard and fast rule that a bride and her mother must plan a wedding together… in addition, I have come to the conclusion that ony two opinions matter when planning: the bride’s and the groom’s. If you try to please everyone, you’ll go insane.

For some reason, people always expect their parents to be reasonable people, perhaps because we looked up to them so much as children. But there comes a stage in everyone’s life when we realise that our parents are not so reasonable after all, and that they are flawed human beings who could benefit from your advice just as much as you would benefit from theirs. Perhaps this is such a time for you?

Post # 7
Member
11 posts
Newbee

Hey Honey,

I am actually the mother of the bride and I am so sad to hear you and your mom are not on the best of terms right now…I know this must be hard for you.  Being a mother myself, the first thing that came to mind is there has to be a reason for her to be reacting this way.  I am sitting here pondering  reasons that would make me react like that and here are a few I have come up with. 

1. The man she has chosen is not a good choice for her for various reasons, such as he is not respectful, thoughtful, or protective of her.  Bad reputaion, criminal past, etc.

2. She and the groom- to- be fight and argue all the time, or break up make up a lot.

3. She and groom do not have the financial means to support themselves

4. One or both have not finished their education

5. One or both are not mature enough

I know as a mom I probably wouldn’t like the idea of my daughter getting married if any of the above apply.  Last but not least…she just does not want to lose you.  It may be just a bad case of your mom not being able to let go. If this is the case you may want to talk to her and let her know that she will always be a part of your life.  

I sure hope things get better soon.  I cannot even imagine not sharing one of the most special life moments with my beautiful daughter. 

Good luck sweetie! 

 

Post # 9
Member
404 posts
Helper bee

Can I be a little rude and ask if your parents marriage is happy?

Post # 10
Member
8322 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

What about your FMIL? Can you include her. She is after all going to be your mother too soon.

In the meantime I would work on the relationship with your mum. There could be some merit in what @motherofthebrideAR:  has said. When we are too close to someone it can be hard to see their faults. I would talk to your mother about her concerns in a calm non confrontational manner. The relationship may become better if you give her the chance to air her issues in an adult manner and not during a shouting match.

 

Post # 11
Member
407 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Sweetpeaontheweddingbee7 – I’m not trying to be rude, but how old are you? Is there a possibility that she thinks you’re too young to be engaged/get married? I’m only asking because my mom reacted the same way when I got engaged for the first time at 19. (I didn’t end up getting married). Now that I’m older, she’s fine. (Even when my friend got married at 22 she made a big deal about how that’s too young to get married, especially since my friend’s now husband was 27 at the time).

Post # 12
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@motherofthebrideAR:  

@futuremrsndl:  

I was also kind of wondering these things…based on the fact that it doesn’t sound like  your mother is normally unsupportive or mean, it seems like there has to be an underlying reason for her feelings. I know there are some bees who have moms that are unfortunately just kind of nuts and have been critical, and sometimes even abusive, towards them their whole life, so it is unsurprising for them to egt this kind of reaction from their parent no matter what the situation is. But it’s very strange for a normal mom to become infuriated about you becoming engaged unless you are way too young, unable to support yourself, in a bad relationship, etc.

Have you tried to have a serious conversation with her about exactly why it is that she is objecting to you getting married? We could give better advice if we knew what her problem is with it.

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