(Closed) When did I become the parent and my dad the kid????

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
5479 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Hugs!!  My mom doesn’t have a pot to piss in, but that’s her fault not mine.  I help emotionally when I can, and take her to lunch now and then, but it isn’t my responsibility to make sure she saves money for gas & groceries.  She’s a grown up.  I work hard for my money, I spend it very wisely, and I don’t plan to just give it all away.  You’re not a bad person, and shit, if you are then so am I.  CRAPPY CHILDREN UNITE!!!!

Post # 4
Member
665 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

This is so hard, I’m so sorry you’re in this predicament. I completely see how this makes you feel guilty but right now if you can’t trust him it seems like it will only bring chaos in your life. Maybe down the road you will feel more comfortable inviting him into  your home. I’m sure there are a lot of things you both have to work through before that can even be talked about between the two of you.

What I don’t understand is why he feels like he has even the right to ask you to let him move in with you? If he’s never taken care if you I find it kind of selfish that he thinks you will take care of him. Have you ever talked to him about this? Are there any other siblings that are willing to take him in? Or maybe another faimly member?

Post # 6
Member
7771 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

@Mrs.Jansen:  Are you ME?!!!  Reading your post just freaked me out.  I am in a very similar situation.  Parents divorced 22 years ago, Dad lost his license to practice, has no income and his health is suffering because he cannot afford a proper diet.  To make it worse, I am the only one of my (of his 3 children) that lives here.  All the time I feel trapped and talk about moving away.  I feel so responsible for him and it is really difficult.  My mother is also dependant on me, and has a butt-load of problems, and she actually moved out west to where I was living so I moved to the midwest!  It is so hard to feel responsible for a parent when you are still trying to get your own life together.  DH and I don’t make much, he just graduated finally (he was held back because he was always caring for HIS parents), and my sisters make a lot more but are all out of state.  It sucks.

My Dad was the oldest and my oldest sister always got special privileges- under the understanding that she would someday take care of him.  He took care of his parents, and his last parent, my Grandpa, just passed on Friday.  I am the only one here to do anything and it is really hard.  I feel like my sister is responsible, at least should be more responsible to help.  We are barely getting by, but she and her husband own several homes. 

Is there some way you can help him in a way as to enable him to help himself?  Like help him find work? 

Post # 7
Member
665 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

That sounds very unhealthy then to ever have him in your home. I agree with @cbee, maybe there’s a way you can helpe him so he can be more self-sufficient and he can leave you alone?  

Post # 9
Member
665 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think your dad needs to look into some government aid to get him on his feet. He shouldn’t assume you will be there for him especially given what you have said and how you do no trust him. San Francsico, I’m sure has many programs to help the needy. One of my cowokers has hit hard times, she has a sick 9 year old daughter and her husband has just suffered two strokes so he is unemployed. She is getting some governt aid so it’s probably time to tell your dad to look into those options because you cannot support him emotionally or financially.

Post # 10
Member
7771 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

@Mrs.Jansen:  Do you have siblings? 

I totally know how you feel.  I feel like I am expected to take care of my Dad, while I didn’t have college paid for and my sisters did- like they are off being free and I have to be weighed down here.  My Dad is really manipulative and controlling.  I really hope we get to move away someday.

My Dad lived off of my Grampa’s SS, he lived off client personal funds entrusted- these two Dads sound like they are two birds of a feather!  Mine has been in and out of jail for misappropriating funds.  Sigh.  Luckily he lives with his brother.  In a way I am glad I do not have a home, or he would wiggle his way in.  We have a 1 bedroom loft apartment. 

This sucks and I am sorry you are dealing with something similar.  It is so hard when you are trying to make your own life, get it together, and you have this weight on it.  It makes me not want to have children- my parents and DH’s act like children are just to serve their parents- like that is their reason for living and being created :/

I don’t know what to tell you.  I am hoping my sisters will do something (at least my oldest sister- because she was raised under the assumption she would) and I am going to TRY to live my own life and put it out of my mind.  The hard part is, I am the most caring and compassionate one, so it is hard for me- but I really need to focus on myself to get my own life moving forward or it could be two people in trouble :/  Can’t help others before yourself…

Post # 12
Member
7771 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

@Mrs.Jansen:  Well hang in there sweetheart.  Maybe there are some gov. programs to help him like xicaB suggested.  I know my Dad qualifies for disability but refuses!  :/  I am glad you have a positive role model.  For now, take care of you!

Post # 14
Member
2065 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@Mrs.Jansen:  Oh honey you are NOT a bad person and should NOT feel guilty. My husband’s father lived with us for a year and a half. He wasn’t in my husband’s life until he was like 18. We had to team up with my BIL in order to afford to kick him out. We all three pay for his apt and bills because he has zero resources and spends what little money he makes to smoke pot 24/7. We wasted $4K getting his rotten teeth taken out and having custom dentures made for him. He refused to wear them and his gums shifted so the dentures are useless now. I used to feel so awful for wanting to kick this man out of my house because yeah it’s my husband’s dad, even if he’s never exactly been a true father figure. But there’s only so much you can do before you just have to say fuck it, I’ve done all I can and it’s been more than enough.

I don’t have any sage advice for you, but you aren’t alone in having to deal with this kind of stuff. 🙂 It sucks, but at some point my husband and I just had to put our foot down and say that we’re trying to create a life together and his dad mooching off of us was just a huge weight dragging us down.

Post # 16
Member
3081 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Oo doesn’t it suck when our conscience makes us question the decisions that are best for us and our future? Ugh being a kid to an irresponsible, manipulative parent is the worst. 

I feel that in some circumstances, we as children have an obligation to care about the wellbeing of the parents who raised us…WITHIN REASON. When this obligation causes us undue stress, harm, and worry, it is negated. In your circumstances I don’t think that you owe your father financial assistance, and definitely not a home. In the best of relationships, living with parents causes stress to any couple…but in poor relationships to begin with, this can cause an unbelievable amount of unnecessary stress. 

 

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