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:/ That's a tough one. Why does she need to be there? And where? At the hospital? Or in your home caring for him? I think it is nice she wants to be there for support- like come and visit and brng him some flowers, but I am not sure why she has to be there the whole time or take off work.
I think you need to have a good talk with your SO. Setting boundaries is hard, but you have to agree on some and then gently but firmly set them forth to his mother. (Maybe she can come visit the patient between X and X hours, for example.) But yes, you and SO have to work it out and SO has to have the talk with her.
I am sorry, that stinks! DH and I dealt a lot with this at the beginning of our relationship. His parents would guilt him ALL THE TIME and it was terrible. It took him awhile to come around and sort of "be on my side." We fought at first, but it turned out he was really just upset about the pressure his parents put on him, he did not actually agree with what they wanted. ETA: (He didn't want to be there on Easter either, he wanted to stay with me- but we fought because he took out his frustration on me, saying he did want to go, etc. We worked it out and he stayed with me because I was sick. He was just frustrated at the pressure from them. That is my example.) You can work it out, you'll have to! :)
Does she bring vitamins when he's sick and call to make sure her baby is feeling better or saw the dr after he got the common cold? I know how you feel...been there
Hmm well my family is very similar to your FMIL. I'm 28 and if I had to have surgery, my mom and dad would be in the waiting room with my DH. That's just the way we do things. My mom had a hip replacement a year ago and I took off work and my dad and I waited together in the waiting room, (and my DH came a few hours later).
I really would not push this issue too much. I don't think it's about letting go. It's just a difference of family dynamics. DH's mom for example would never in a million years come in that situation, (she may not even call), and that drives me crazy. I wish she would be more involved in her son's life.
Oh geez. That's my mom with my brother. He was sick a lot as a kid so the second there is something wrong with him health wise she freaks out and needs to be there. Thankfully my brother is super annoyed with her trying to butt in so he has told her firmly that he can go on his own and if he needs her he'll call.
I agree with cbee, talk with your SO and ask him to set those boundaries with his mom.
my husband is very independent from his mom but i wouldnt stress too much if she wanted to sit in a waiting room while he was having surgery
yes i would prefer she didnt but even though he and i are our own family he is still her son and i know no matter what age (my hubby is early 40's) she still worries about him and his brothers. you can always ask her to help in other ways, do some grocery shopping or cooking if there is something she makes your FI loves
@cbee: She feels the need to take the whole day off to come and sit in the waiting room. Really? She honestly cannot do a darn thing (neither can I, but I'll be there to drive him home, etc) so why must she take off work? Goodness forbid something does go wrong, being in the waiting room is no different than being at work. I do see a discussion coming up as to what he's comfortable with and what I'm comfortable with and how to address it. If he doesn't want her there and she stresses him out more (and I don't need her with me) then I just don't see the point.
*Failed to mention that he lives in the basement level of their house. So I'd generally think that'd be part of it (super close relationship or something), but both him and his folks are at VERY ready for him to move out. We cannot wait for this wedding! Haha. So I'd think with the tension and the fact that he'll be right back home the same day, there's no need for her to be off work at all. She can see him in the convenience of her own home that evening.
@lia22: That's the thing...usually they just sort of co-exist and his folks aren't involved at all. They live upstairs, he is down. So I think it just drives me bonkers that all of the sudden there's just this dire need to be there.
I'v been there! My FI had his 4th hernia surgery a few months ago and she still HAD to be there in the waiting room. She actually wanted to pick him up at our house and drive him over and then pick him up, lol and then to make it worst, she went to his after surgery check up with him, and when they called him into the room she stood up and walked in with him, LOL he of course told her he could do it on his own..
@Meowkers: I get that, I do. My family is very close as well (minus the waiting room thing). I won't make him push the issue if he truly doesn't care.
I think where my frustration is coming from is that I take it as 'you two are not adult enough to handle this' type of thing. And she's very nice, I know that's not what she's meaning intentionally, but truly, we can do this alone, we are college grads.
@Ms. Martian: We'll for sure talk it over. I mean, I guess if he's comfortable with it *for a while, I'm dead serious, though, 30 is my cut-off, lol* then I'll just roll with it this time. But if he agrees, then he's going to have to buck up and just let her know that we will be fine, we're not kids.
@eloping: At least when there are grandbabies she'll volunteer to stay home and watch them. Then it will be my turn to sit in the waiting room alone. Hahah.
@alyssa742: Hahah, ooooh goodness, you take the cake! She came to your house to get him? And post-op?! Your poor FI, he had to have been slightly embarrassed.
I always try to remind myself when I get a little frustrated with my mom towards my bros or FMIL toward Mr.ND to make sure that I'm not doing the same to my DIL in 25 years. Hahahah.
I think there's more to this story. My in-laws are helicopter parents with control issues. They'll do something (like what your MIL is doing) and while it may be very small- I become very irritated. People think I'm being sensitive, but they don't know the history. It doesn't take much anymore.
If it bothers you, I think you should set some boundaries. I let mine walk on me for the first five years and it's my biggest regret. My relationship with the IL's is ruined.
@maureen9004: Thank you for sharing. I really do like them, but like you said, it just grates on me, and I don't want it to be one of those pesky things that just becomes an issue in the long-run. I don't want to set up patterns that make this look I'm totally cool with it, 'cause I'm not.
Time to set boundaries. My brother (who was 18 at the time) went for surgery last year on his knee. Our Mum didn't take any time off work to sit in the waiting room when my Dad was going to be there. I'm quite certain my MIL wouldn't take a whole day for DH either. She might come visit for a while after he woke up and was in recovery, but that's it. You let her over-step when you're not comfortable now, before you're married, and she won't stop.
I can see how that would bug you since you probably want FI mom to understand that YOU are the main women in his life now that he will turn to for help and support, not him mom. Living in the house though can cause confusing boundaries, it is hard to look at your child as a grown up when they are still under your roof ( I'm living with my parents too before the wedding so I know) I do also feel like it could be part of the family dynamic as well. I'd just let her come, and after your officially married and he is moved out and you don't feel like his mom has quite cut the cord yet then you should have another talk with your hubby.
I didn't read all the replies, so I don't know if someone said this yet or not, but - even if he's not on their insurance anymore, his parents are probably still legally the only ones who can make a medical decision for your SO if something should go wrong during surgery and he's not able to make his own call on it (i.e. if he's unconscious). You are not married yet, which means legally, you have no say in his medical decisions in situations where he can't make his own. So yeah, it's a good idea for one of his parents to be there, especially if he's being put under general anesthesia.
And if I were her, I'd be annoyed at the date change with no warning. That's kind of rude. Think of it from her point of view: her son is having surgery (whether or not it's for something serious, if you have to be put under anesthesia for it, there is always a danger with that). She wants/needs to be there in case something goes wrong. And now you tell her that suddenly the date has changed, and she has to scramble to change her work schedule. How would you feel if that were you being put in that position?
I think you're being a little weird about this. This is not an area to "stake your claim." Lay off it for now. If after you're married and are his legal medical proxy, she still insists on coming and you feel annoyed by it, discuss it then.
I guess until you're a Mom you won't get it. Have a dental or gyno appointment? No problem. Go on your own. Having surgery on a limb? I'm there too. It has nothing to do with letting go or forcing you out or thinking that you're incapable of taking care of him. If she wasn't interested at all, then how would you feel?
So many people complain about the non-involvement of their parents on so many levels, and now it seems that no matter what they do someone needs to find fault with them too.
I was in my 40's and having a an MRI of my brain, and while I was checking in I caught some movement out of the corner of my eye and turned around. There were both my parents walking in the door just to be there....the receptionist giggled and told me how cute it was that my 70 yr. old parents were there for moral support.
It never ends when you're a parent.
@Meowkers: Yeah, this is how my family is too. I think it just depends on family, but unless there are hugely extenuating circumstances, I would (and have been) be in the waiting room if my Mom, dad, brother, or sister were having surgery. It's also common in my family for like...Grandparents to be there as well..
op - you wouldn't feel better havng your family there when you're put under general anesthesia?
Hmm, whoever said it's most likely a family dynamics thing, I agree. MIL has mentioned a couple times that we don't come visit enough, but I don't know that she has a problem 'letting go.'
I think both our moms would do the same thing in this situation but that's because of the great emphasis they put on caring for family. It's not as though they think I couldn't handle it by myself, but that I shouldn't have to unless... well, I have to.
@Meowkers: I agree, our family is the same way. I will have to have foot surgery next year, and I'll be curious if my mom expects to be there and wait with my husband. Luckily, they get along really well, so its not like its uncomfortable. Plus, my mom is also a nurse, so when anything medical goes on, she is normally the one we call.
I think that if this is the dynamic, you may just have to grin and bear it. At least until you are married, and then you can push that she keep her distance
I think it might be a family dynamic thing. I had to go get my wisdom teeth out. Mom and FI was there. FI now has to go get his done, it is just going to be me. ( we're (almost) 22 and 24)
This doesn't sound odd at all to me because that is how my family is. My brother has had quite a few surgeries through his 20s and my parents have been to all of them (and even I've been to a couple). And my aunts came too to the somewhat serious ones. We just do that. Now if she was overbearing in other areas of his life (like wanting to come along for normal doctor's visits or staying home to take care of him when he has the flu) I'd think that was too much. But surgery always comes with inherent risks and it doesn't seem that unreasonable to me that she wants to be there.
I agree it's probably family dynamic... do you think maybe he does want her there? I've had some recent medical issues and while obviously I went alone to basic appointments, I did keep her updated regularly about what was going on and she came to a couple of my procedures. My mom had always been there when I'm sick or injured and if I were undergoing surgery I would be really appreciative if she were there to support me, even though FI is my main support now.
Thanks for all the responses, bees! Sorry I hadn't checked back in earlier.
I appreciate all the input. It may just be a family dynamic thing like y'all said. He doesn't really want her there, but he figures he'll be busy the whole time so it won't affect him so he'll just let her come. I guess he says he did tell her the date change earlier but she didn't pay attention/listen, so I think part of it is just their family miscommunication (that happens a lot). I do appreciate hearing from all the various view points. Some people see it as totally normal and expected, and others thing it's a bit odd, so I'm glad I wasn't the only one to be caught a little off-guard by this.
She did bring it up to me casually the other day (about how now she's got to take off work) so I told her that I'd be fine to go along alone if she'd rather work, but she said 'what's one more day off?' *shrugs* I'm not going to make a fuss over it, but I won't let him complain to me that she's coming along (he's letting her) and I won't listen to complaints about missing work (since she chose to), I'll just politely nod and then change the subject with either of them. :-) Happy medium, and those two can work it out for now. Hahah.
Sounds like you're doing the smart thing by not getting in the middle of it. The longer you are the #1 woman in your SO's life, the more she'll back off hopefully.
My mother and father would be there if I had to go into surgery. It's just how they are (plus they're both docs so they'd like to be there overseeing things). She IS worried about him, and she probably just wants to be there for him.
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So, I am aware that I shouldn't be as annoyed (ok, semi-pissed) as I am, but I was wondering if this is just me being more independent than most or if I'm justified. Please let me know how you'd feel (and if you're a mom, if you felt how I'm guessing she does).
My SO has to have surgery in a few weeks (think knee/sholder type, nothing like heart or brain), and didn't tell his mom the new date of it (it was rescheduled). She finds out today when it is and is all huffy about how she's got to cancel work so she can be there. He told her that I'll be there so there's no need, but she's insisting. I'm sorry, but we'll be married in 3 months. He's not on her insurance, he's on his own. He's been out of college for a year with a steady job. He's 24!
I told him that I'm just fine being there him and I, and that I'd actually prefer it. He said she's insisting. I asked if she plans to come along to all of his doctor visits until he's 30 or 40 or do I eventually get to be his helper...he said I can ask her or tell her we're fine. Uh, no, I'm smart enought to know that that has to be his discussion. Nice try handing that one off, babe. He tried to tell her again that she doesn't need to come (but not very hard, I'm sure) but she's planning on it.
Is there a polite way to sort of gently get the point across that it's nice that she's coming along for one last doctor visit? I will not be 40 and sitting in the waiting room with my 60+MIL complaining about how she had to miss work for her son. *sigh*
Thanks for letting me vent. Any advice is welcomed.