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Let me start by saying that I am very grateful for my family and FI's family and the gifts they do give on Christmas and birthdays. However, when did I become no longer a woman in everyone else's eyes.
My birthday is a few days after Christmas so I never shop for myself before the holidays because I know every year I get clothes, shoes, purses etc. Well this year I received a combination of things like a salad spinner, dish cloths, vacum, cook books, and an iron. I appreciate these gifts I just don't know when it all changed that I no longer get gifts for me, but for a house (that I don't even own yet).
My FI got gifts for him clothes, cologne, shoes, poker set, etc. and I got household things so I can cook, do dishes, iron, and clean the house! It's like noone thinks of me as a person anymore but simply as a housewife.
I don't want to seem ungrateful at all, but I just didn't know if this is happening to anyone else and if they feel the same way. I just don't want to feel like I'm losing myself along the way.
Wow- that stinks! I'd return all the stuff and buy myself something special that I really wanted!
We usually give everyone else gift ideas in my family. Maybe you could start doing that.
I feel you - my MIL spent well over $300 on two Shark floor cleaning systems for me - for a house I also don't own, and I never suggested that I want them. I have no idea what to do about it. That money could have been spent elsewhere (or, she could have just not spent it), but I don't want to seem ungrateful or rude. I didn't even expect gifts from her, and especially not expensive gifts (she also got me a few other expensive, more useful things), so I feel like complaining would make me sound like a brat, but it's really a waste of money.
I don't take offense to the gifts, because it's pretty typical, especially of older generations, to buy you "house" things after marriage. I just don't want or need "house" things at this point, especially expensive ones that I'll never use.
It didn't bother me until I opened a gift bag of dish cloths last night and that's when it all hit me like a ton of bricks.
I think I am going to have to give ideas when people ask.
This is happening to me as well but we are still making our home so I don't mind. BUT I can totally see how in two Christmases/Birthdays I will be over that and wanting things for me and not the house.
My Mister did get me a new Coach purse because I was anything but subtle about requesting one! Maybe you can hint drop to the husband and he can get you non-house gifts and even tell other what you want?
The same sort of thing happened to me over Christmas, but not as bad. I got an assortment of "house" gifts like new pots and pans, oven mitts, salt and pepper shakers, serving dishes, etc. My husband also got "house" gifts (tools), but most of his gifts were things he wanted - including a Blu-Ray player, Wii, and clothes.
I'm grateful for my gifts as well, but I sympathize with how you're feeling. I'm just glad that we didn't receive a lot of baby stuff, as we're totally being pressured by the family to start breeding like rabbits!
Dude, we got a heater, blankets, sheets, dish towels and bath towels for Christmas. My family "upgraded" our linens and towels! Next year, it won't be like that. We won't need them. It'll get ot the point where you say "well this is what I need" and that's what you get. But then again, DH also got some of those household type things. THose were "our" gifts.
Next year, tell your Fi what you want and let him leak ti to the family. I get things like cookbooks, workout clothes, and pajamas because when he asks what I want, that's what I tell him I want. He;ll say things like "oh don't you want a new vacuum?" (because I do) and I'll say, "yeah but man, that's not a Christmas gift!" so you have to let everyone think that's not quite a "gift" ya know?Then again, I got DH a pizza cookbook and a pizza stone for Christmas. But also clothes and stuff he likes. A mix si always good.
Just try to be grateful--if they didn't buy you those things, you'd end up spending your own money on them. So just 'swap' the money and buy what you want!
Oh boy. Remember the movie Father of the Bride? Your post reminded me of the scene when the daughter comes marching back to her parent's home crying to call the wedding off because her fiance gave her a blender. And her outlook was the same as yours. She was like, 'what's this for? so the little wife can be in the kitchen circa 1950?' When in reality, he purchased the blender for her because she loves to make milkshakes.
I think household items are fine as shower gifts but certainly not Christmas/birthday presents unless you expressed a want for them. Hang in there.
Go buy yourself something wonderful for your birthday. Splurge a little.
ejs4y8- You are exactly right with your last point. I would have spent my own money to buy household things, so instead I should be able to treat myself =). With the wedding and all I am so hesitant to treat myself lately but I'll just pretend I'm spending that money towards a new vacuum.
I am so so sorry you feel that way!
Maybe, everyone thought that you would like those things. Not a reflection on them thinking you are just a Sally Homemaker?
I actually typically like getting those kinds of things because we love to cook but don't typically spend money on ourselves for kitchen gadgetry.Maybe express that to your FI? Maybe he doesn't know that you feel that way? I think it's really important you tell him this. He probably doesn't know you feel this way. Tell him you feel like you are losing yourself. Tell him that just because you don't shop for yourself doesn't' mean you don't like female things like a day at the spa or clothing or perfume or things just for YOU.
I know how you feel a teeny bit. We always get things like spa days, perfume, female relaxation alike items for the other females in his family. Because they are all more the type that will spend ton of money on themselves. I am not. Because I don't like to spend money on myself but doesn't mean I don't like that stuff. Doesn't mean I don't want a day at the spa.
Express yourself! I hope it all works out!!!
P.S. I don't think at all this is about her being ungrateful. It's not about her getting things they need for their house. It's about her getting ALL homemaker stuff. And not for her and just for her to relax.
P.P.S. We also got "upgraded" towel sets for Christmas! IT was awesome because we have no actual set because we're too cheap to go spend that kind of $$$ on a good set. We had expressed that we were going to put that on our registry. Hahah.
I think it is wrong that you both didn't get things for the house.. it shouldn't be you and not your FI. We get our house in 9 days!!! and for Christmas we got a lot of gifts... he got a knife block, I got the toaster oven, he got a step ladder, I got a shovel (lol ... I am moving in but he wont be until May.. so I am going to be shoveling the driveway). he got a hedge trimmer.
It should be both of you getting house gifts or none. Unless it is what you really wanted.
I'm not married yet, but I already ask for stuff like that. That's mostly because my family has horrible taste in clothes though, haha, so I tend to hate anything 'personal' that they buy me - and they're fine with it, because iet's a lot of work to find clothes, etc you think someone will like!
I'd also much rather let my mom spend $150 on a food processor than spend it myself.
J mostly gets gift cards (I get a lot of those too). Our families aren't big on the gift giving front I guess.
Thanks girls! I didn't know if I was going crazy with this wedding and all! I don't know about you, but I've been extra emotional lately with planning the wedding and trying to buy a house at the same time.
This is frustrating and not near as fun as personal gifts.....but I think people feel safer giving gifts like that....they assume they will be useful and needed. Bummer. Maybe make requests or do some returning. I feel ya!
Ahgr. Buy yourself something with the money you 'saved' with the gifts. And before next gift giving occasion mention how much you love getting personal things just for you. Also definitely bring it up to your husband nowish. This kind of thing could get out of control!
If they really want to give you useful house stuff they always have the option of gifting it to your FH.
I'm right there with you! 50% of all my gifts were things off my registry! I am still very greatful and it was kind of them to give the gifts-but i'm not gonna lie-some clothes would have been great-all my $ is going to the wedding! :P
We got some things off our registry for Christmas too. I think it was just easier for people to buy those things for us since they knew it was something we wanted.
When anyone asks what we want lately, we say gift certificates - doesn't matter where to. We're trying not to spend any excess money so gift certs were big this year. I was able to hit up the Gap & Banana for a couple new pairs of jeans that I desperately needed. My parent's gave us a gift cert to a really nice restaurant so we could have a nice night out together without spending money. FI's brother gave us a $100 card to Target - prob. the best gift we got!! :)
Oh man, I would be so annoyed! I second the idea of returning the stuff for some things you actually want. And maybe next year drop some hints about what you want??
It can be hard for people to always be 'up on' what you want for your birthday and Christmas every year. So household gifts, in most people's eyes, are an easy out as they can assume the gifts will at least be useful.
Next year, try arming your husband with several suggestions for what to buy you for Xmas and your birthday, in case people ask. Make sure they are easy for anyone to buy, not too expensive and semi-thoughtful. Like a nice scented candle, pajamas, DVD's or Itunes gift cards, a new scarf, etc. Things that people can easily find. Also, schedule a spa appointment or shopping trip for your birthday or the day after to buy yourself nice things that you actually wanted.
Dish towels though? I'm sorry, but that is a terrible gift. Unless they were handmade by the gift giver.. At least it's something to laugh about!
I think dish clothes are totally an unacceptable present unless you ask for them. It's especially rude when the hubby gets "him" gifts and you get "us/house" gifts. Hopefully that isn't setting a precedent! (Though, one year I did get a toaster oven for Christmas and LOVE it!)
I'm probably in the minority here, but I LOVE getting house stuff for Christmas.
I asked for all kinds of house stuff when we first moved into our apartment 2 years ago and more in each year since then. I really prefer to buy my own clothes, jewelry, perfume, etc. – Its fun for me to go shopping for it and then I always get what I want.
My fiancé gets me fun gifts though – purses, jewelry, football tickets. I’m not sure how I would feel if he got me a blender but from everyone else, those gifts are always very welcome.
I think it is sort of rude that you get house things but he gets things that he can actually use. I second the suggestion that you have your FI have a list to give to people when they ask next time so you don't get things for the house if you don't want them. I think those kinds of gifts are better for weddings and showers or anniversaries. Not for a Christmas or birthday present which should be things for you.
i guess i'm weird, i wouldn't mind those things as gifts. when i was in college my mom used to send me a box each month, themed for holidays. usually they included things like dish towels, and bowls, things for my kitchen, and i loved it! i think that kitchen things can be personal because they are meant specifically for you, in a design that you will enjoy. i'm also weirdly practical, i feel guilty getting things i don't need when i could be getting things that i really do need.
This kind of happened to us too... I got mostly stuff for the kitchen from both my parents and his parents. I was okay with it though because we just bought a house and we actually NEED all those things. I'm excited that for the next few years my gifts will help fill my home and make it beautiful because I couldn't afford to buy all that stuff myself! I think that once we're more established though it will stop happening and I bet it will for you too.
Or:
Make a point of telling everyone that you're so grateful for the gifts you received this year and you're totally SET on household goods! heh
I asked for a sewing machien for Christmas, and when I tell people that, I get the "oh, that sucks" reaction... ?!?! I LOVE it and I am so excited about using it! However, if my parents got me super house-y things, I'd have to tell them that those aren't really... Christmassy!
I've asked for household items, but just getting them would be icky, particularly with the marriage.
What also strikes me as odd is who would actually give a man dishtowels, like, ever? My FI gets a lot of kitchen related things, but they are hobby related (pressure cooker, highend specialized pot, this year a sausuge stuffer). He doesn't get practical things, even though he does all of the cooking.
I would think a nice item like a good vacuum, or a dining room table (that is what we are asking my father for as a wedding gift) are gifts to the couple. That is totally acceptable, in my opinion. Dishtowels for the woman and cologne for the man are not!
My mom got me a wand hand mixer and new cutting boards for Christmas, but I did ask for those!
Please don't flame me but . . .
I think you are making a lot out of the gift issue by assuming that these gifts were given due to some altered sense of who you are, and not out of recognition that you and your FI are starting a life togther and are/will be sharing a home together. Don't make more out of it than what it really is . . .
I would see it as an opportunity to spend a little household money on things for myself (that I know I love because I chose them!) that would otherwise be obligated for acquiring what is needed to run a house/condo/apartment, etc. I am assuming that this was your first Christmas as an engaged couple?
Oh wow. I'd be super pissed, honestly. Just because you're married, they're now buying you an IRON?! Ack. I love to cook, and I'd be super excited about cooking stuff, but that's just me. Buy me cleaning stuff though, and we're going to have major issues!
I think weddings put people in the mood to buy house-related stuff---even though this isn't your wedding, or a bridal shower, but just a gift-giving occasion. People probably thought they were being clever and thoughtful by giving you stuff that was different from the usual clothes and purses. And since usually brides are in charge of the registry, not grooms, you got the gifts and not him.
I wouldn't read too much into this. Okay, it's disappointing that you didn't receive what you would really like for Christmas, but this can only go on so long, right? Eventually you will have all the stuff you could possibly desire for your house. And on future gift giving occasions, give hints about the kind of stuff you would like. :)
Also, put personal stuff on your registry! We got a GPS and a iPod stereo dock for our wedding. They're still sort of "housewares" but a little more fun than ironing boards and dishtowels.
Oh! Pleast don't be too upset! They probably just didn't read you right. I'm sure they were trying to get you thoughtful gifts, and they thought that a thoughtful gift for a newly engaged / married woman would be things to use in her new household. You can probably return and / or exchange stuff if you want to... so you can go buy clothes and other fun stuff instead :-) I know I kind of missed the gifts for me this year too. We got a lot of joint gift certificates to places like Crate and Barrel instead. For now I'm just keeping them all safe in a pile, so that I can use them after the wedding to complete some of our registries... or I could just lump them all together and buy that awesome guest bed that I'm coveting from CB2.
The funny thing is I got gift cards and personal things for Christmas this year and I wanted kitchen things! It's a personal taste thing...I'm sure they didn't mean anything derogatory by it!
I think the best way to avoid this is to provide a list to your family
I honestly wouldn't have minded getting some household items for Christmas, but I agree that I would have to draw the line if that would have been all I received. If it bothers you, why not ask that gifts like that be made out to both yourself and your fiance? We haven't received a single household item since our wedding shower, and we said that if anyone asked, we'd be okay getting items from our registry.
I understand feeling that your in-laws might not really get you. I felt that way at Christmas too. I appreciated the gifts, but felt that there wasn't a lot of thought put into them. I would rather they have bought gift cards if they didn't know what to get
I got a vacuum cleaner for Christmas from my future MIL. I was very happy about it because my circumstances are a bit different. She origianlly wanted to get me a dvd set that I had been wanting forever that my FI picked out but Amazon canceled the order. I had been complaining for a couple of months now how I need a vacuum cleaner for my apartment and how I didn't have the money to buy one so she picked that up as a backup present. I wasn't offended because I saw it as her answering my broke college student's desperate plea for help. I also was in need of kitchen towels with his grandmother got me as well. To be fair, he also got supplies for his kitchen (some really nice measuring cups and mixing bowls that I can't wait to become part of our combined kitchen in a few months). I'm a little stangely excited about the domestic part of being married, but maybe that's because I'll be the one working while my FH is in grad school so the "house wife" label can't be applied to me.
I understand how you are feeling though. I'm not offended to get these things because my family and future in-laws knew I need them. I had actually asked my parents for those things but they refused to get them for me because they wanted to get me things like clothes, jewelry, and acessories for my computer (I LOVE my new wireless mouse!). If I hadn't actually wanted and needed a vacuum cleaner I probably would have been a bit disappointed to.
I think I view it more as just adult-type presents. When I was a kid, I got the toys, and when I was a teenager, it was clothes and jewelry, and now that I'm an adult, the gifts are geared towards more practical items. Ever since I finished school and started working, the gifts have become more and more practical. I got a clothing steamer a couple of years ago, and I love it and use it all the time. It's also more of my personal preference, I guess. I don't really like getting clothes or purses for gifts, as I would much rather pick out my own stuff, and I'd much rather shop for clothes than dishtowels or irons, so I love getting those as gifts! I think guys are more likely to continue to get the toys even as adults.
From your parents' standpoint, try and remember this may not be so easy for them. My mom was telling me even though she's really happy I'm getting married, it's hard for her to adjust to the fact that next year will be completely different and I won't be around for all the holidays. Your parents may be feeling something similar and the houseware gifts may be their way of dealing with you starting your own family--my mom copes with it differently, and I humor her. From your in-laws' standpoint, they may not know you well enough to get you personal items, and there may also be a bit of making sure their son is taken care of in there, too. My FMIL was very concerned that I could cook well enough for her son. But we've hosted his parents enough that she no longer worries about it. I guess I could have been offended, but when it comes to the spectrum of being accepted by in-laws, I'll take the acceptance standard of being a good cook anyday over a lot of the other, much more difficult requirements!!
Sorry I didn't read any other posts...
I got my friend Christmas presents from their registry. Granted it was for the bride and groom, so not quite like your situation. BUt I have to say, I loved it. No brain power involved. I stink at thinking up presents that people would like.
But I can see why you'd be upset that you get household stuff, while he gets presents just for him. My only guess is that, you had a shower. (That's why the whole registry is generated.) So the items on the registry might be seen as girly items. Or items that you wanted (rather than what the two of you thoughtfully planned as stuff you both needed for the house.)
This happened to me as well, but I didn't even realize it until reading this. FMIL got me a slow cooker and recipe book, while FI got a Wii. However, I love to cook, and we'll both be playing the Wii, so I didn't give it a second thought.
PS My parents got us all joint gifts, so no inequality there at all :)
Ha, maybe I'm weird but I would have loved that! My family has iffy taste in clothes/perfume/etc. to say the least, so they usually give me "home" things. We're also acquiring quite a stash of kitchen gadgets from FI's family, which is nice for us because while I will go out an buy myself clothes, I would never go out and buy a panini press or a fancy cookbook!
Look on the bright side - at least this way you didn't have to exchange clothing that was 2 sizes too big or a perfume you hate!
You should of joked and asked where the chain and stove is. Man a vacuum AND a iron, that is a little harsh ... but maybe they didn't mean it that way. A lot of people give gifts they would want themselves and maybe that's all something they want and need? It sounds crazy, I know, but perhaps it was them trying to be sweet. Or maybe they know it's your Fi that'll do all the housework and want to make his life easier 
This happened to me at Christmas too! My FMIL asked me what colors I do my kitchen in so she could get me a platter to match. Um, is hand-me-down a color? Because that's what my kitchen is currently "decorated" in.
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