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My wedding is less than three months away and as I'm handing over money left and right, I'm starting to think about what this is all for. I'm not accusing anyone in particular, because I'm guilty of it too but really? $30-50,000 plus for one day? I'm so adamant about having a certain photographer no matter the price and we can't use such and such because it might look tacky, and we can't use the venue's chairs because some are black and some aren't and.....you get the point.
Recently a bridesmaid sent me an email of a "ghetto" wedding. The bride and groom had their ceremony and reception in their apartment home. They had food from a wholesale club and a sheet cake. There were streamers and balloons on the walls and rose petals on the floor. We laughed at it because it was funny but then I started thinking...what's so wrong with this? Is it tacky? If so, why? Who said weddings had to be extravagant? Isn't the purpose of the wedding to celebrate the union of man and woman, man/man...whatever lol. Is there a wrong or right way to celebrate?
I'm just wondering where we have gotten these ideas from.
I never throw parties or ever get to see all of my family at the same time. For us, it's about throwing a good party for our family and good friends. So yeah, we have to spend money to get what we want for our 100 guests. A nice dinner out for a couple can cost $100+. Multiply that out and yeah it's alot of money. We're spending the largest amount on catering because we think that is a big part of what makes the event.
You know, I have a feeling I'll be in the minority with this opinion, but I think weddings are actually moving away from that. Maybe it's just because of the recession, but our generation is much more accepting of DIY, backyard weddings, and other non-traditional elements. Yes, some of those weddings cost the same as the ballroom weddings, but they certainly don't have to.
Most of the criticism I've come across so far has been from older relatives, and it has all been to concepts that are homemade or DIY, or even just unusual. For instance, we'll have mismatched seating, because our venue is an artifact resale shop and provides inventory. I'm happy with that; it's eclectic and fun. But many older relatives have suggested that it won't "look like a wedding" that way.
The wedding community is certainly still a material complex, and there is definitely a huge amount of money spent on things that we wouldn't normally think about having for a party or celebration. But more and more brides are having weddings their way, with cost effective alternatives.
that is a great question... a lot of my choices my be perceive as tacky but we like what we are doing. we are in a really small budget but we are making our wedding very mining full and with a lot of family and friends.
i dont know who is the law in wedding, but im sure im doing everything wrong in my wedding... and love it!
Could it be that "the elders" are what's making weddings so expensive? I agree w/ lilyfaith. I think our generation is more accepting of the non-traditional wedding ceremony & reception but some brides still get the "Tsk tsk tsk, what do you mean you won't have a church & huge ballroom reception with a big poofy dress?" talks from "the elders".
lol at Magenta. I need to have your attitude. I'm so stressed about what everyone will think about my wedding and if they'll have fun. I wish I didn't care.
The elders thing might be true. I had no idea that the chairs at my venue were mismatched until my aunt brought it up...oh no no we can't have that...whatever.
@Future Mrs Taylor - I know it's hard, but I'm at the point where I just shrug and say, "we know it's not traditional, but it's us and we're excited about it."
Also, you could show her this picture! It's our venue, and these are the types of chairs that are typically available. This was an actual reception setup. Are your chairs this mismatched? ;)
What a GREAT question!! I am not sure who says that one has to spend X amount and do and not do certain things to have a great wedding. I am 100% sure that I am doing things that some would think are "tacky", but I don't care. I can not justify spending a ton of money on 1 day (not knocking anyone who does).
See...@ lilyfaith I didn't even notice the chairs until I scrolled up and read your comment. That's really pretty. The ceiling kind of looks like the ceiling in my venue. I hope my picture shows up...
mismatch_chairs.jpg (116.6 KB, 37 downloads) 2 years old
I really love that venue @ lily faith. It looks like something out of a magazine in my opinion.
@Future Mrs Taylor - your venue is gorgeous! I think we have similar tastes, because the same exposed brick/ceiling beam look.
I've noticed that there will always be something wrong with my wedding - if I had the wedding that my older relatives wanted, they'd say we spent too much money! So we're doing it our way, and including some things that are important to our parents, but drawing the line there.
@ Lilyfaith - I guess we do! What is/was the theme of your wedding? My venue is actually a restored barn next to a historic home so my theme is southern/country but classy..if that makes any sense.
It does. I love Southern style weddings! I think that the "belle of the ball" feeling can make a wedding feel completely romantic and glamorous while still being country-esque.
I'm fairly awful at conveying what we're going for, but it's a combination of urban and rustic. Our venue is smack in the middle of a Chicago warehouse district, and we love it! We're incorporating lots of DIY touches (I'm making the cake, etc) and we're doing very soft shades - creams, yellows, golds, blush pink, peach, and lavender.
I swear it'll all go together! But everyone looks at me like I'm crazy when I try to explain it, haha.
Hi date twin! I don't think weddings need to be extravagant. If there weren't so many family members that wanted to be a part of the day we would have had a barbecue in my FH's backyard. What weddings need to be is your day and a (reasonable) dream come true.
We are now in the same budget bracket you mentioned above!
There is one thing my FMIL loves to ask me is "who's going to notice?" If the answer is "the bride and groom" we're going for it.
@FutureMissTaylor Are there enough chairs of each color to make each side a different color? That's what it looked like to me from your picture.
I'm not stressing about the chairs and whatnot at our venue, because there's no way I'm spending the money for chairs lol I have to say that I think weddings are getting the same amount of money being paid for them as they always have. There are some high end weddings, some shoestring budget weddings, elopements, and mid-range. It just depends on where you look as to how much you spend. We're personally spending more than 2x as much as my older sister spent on hers, but it's a drop in the bucket compared to many others.
That's the word I was looking for...rustic lol. Rustic with a modern twist. People look at me like I'm crazy when I mention the southern thing too. Oh well! Its your day and I'm sure it will be lovely.
@ CaMoFoJo - I was like date twin..what? And then I got it haha. That's cool. Yeah it all sounded good when we first got engaged and now I'm like..can we just go elope? I would probably spend that much money if I had it but I'm an unemployed college student. I'm sure yours will be beautiful.
@ Toffee- I actually haven't counted the chairs. My aunt is going to pay for chair rental so..it's her money lol but if I had to pay for it, I definitely would try to make it work.
JoJo Bananas hit the nail on the head. My family is so large, and they, along with my friends are scattered everywhere. I think the last time we had maybe 1/2 of those people together was my college graduation. As much as we cringe at the $$$ that gets spent on weddings, it's a good investment (when used wisely) to be able to spend time with friends and family.
With that being said, I think that a wedding means something different to everyone. So the things I want at mine are different from what you want at yours, but that's what makes it special, unique and memorable.
I love this topic! Im getting married in 7 weeks. We got engaged in March...so all together 3 months time to put a wedding together. At first we were going to go all out, rent a small inn, lakeside wedding, huge honeymoon suite, dinner for all 70 people @ 30-50$/plate (depending on what menu we chose) renting all the chairs and decorations and stuff that you really dont need but ..there it is anyways! Needless to say we changed our mind. The cost didnt really have anything to do with it, it was more that we realized its not about how good we look to other people or how fancy our wedding would be, its how WE felt about it. FI's family is Russian, and his mother said that over there, people will have receptions and parties in apartments for over 100 people! To us its about the celebration of unity and family. So we are having our wedding ceremony at a beautiful park ($71.00 for the park permit VS $1250 for the cost of the ceremony alone at the inn) and the reception we are having at FI's parents house. It means alot to his mom, and to him because thats his childhood home and his memories...so this is the way it shall be. We arent even doing "traditional" invitations, we're emailing them to everybody. I know it might offend some people but then again there are some people on FI's side that will probably be offended that my shoulders are showing LOL. You cant please everybody, only yourself!
I'm not sure if they're getting more bourgeoisie necessarily... but I think EVERYTHING is getting more expensive (even relative to inflation) and different things are becoming a priority. It seems to me (from what my mom says), that in the 70s parents paid for everything... but everything didn't cost so much. Everyone got married in a church (for free) and you had your bridesmaids dresses maid (for cheap) and dresses were reasonably priced. Fresh flowers everywhere were the normal, food didn't cost more than it would at a restaurant, the venue didn't matter that much, no one cared about the chairs, and there weren't so many extras (chiavari, great photog, videographer, etc etc etc). Plus, people didn't spend money going on expensive honeymoons as much and wedding sets were much simpler and cheaper than they are now.
I think that in the last 40ish years weddings have become such a booming INDUSTRY that everything just got the prices jacked up. Plus people started caring more about being unique and different and that often just increases the prices because people want more things.
I think you have a very good point about how there is a high standard for weddings. People feel pressured to make everything 'nicer' which usually = more expensive in order to impress guests, or just make them comfortable. But if you check out sites like stylemepretty, I think DIY brides and low-key (especially outdoor!) weddings are really the only ones highlighted and the brides are applauded for being so 'classy' and cheap. If I see one more wedding with cupcakes served in mismatched teacups I think I'm going to throw up. And wow, big surprise, all the weddings are taking place in CA or a nearby beautiful, sunny locale.
So I guess no one gets married in the East Coast in a ballroom? Or at least those weddings don't count anymore according to the blogging world. Guess what, I've been to a lot of weddings in my life and they were all indoors inside a church followed by a ballroom. I guess I should pretend like they never happened?
So anyway, I think as long as the wedding is a reflection of whoever is footing the bill and the guests are at least made to feel comfortable during the whole thing, you shouldn't have to spend a ton of money or do what everyone else seems to be doing. The wedding you referenced which took place in the couples apartment sounds more like a birthday party, but hey as long as they kept the guest list small enough and gave everyone a place to sit I don't see anything wrong with it. I think it's classier to do what you can afford than be able to brag about the celebrity pastry chef who crafted your cake.
I think there has been a growing trend of "more, more, more" when it comes to weddings, although the recession has definitely had its impacts on the industry. Part of me looks at all the recent wedding add-ons that are somehow now considered a 'must have', and I shudder. STDs, favours, OOT bags, rehearsal dinner for all guests, destination bachelor and bachelorette parties, post-wedding brunches, flip flops and pashminas, the list goes on and on and on. Those things are all very nice to have, but are in no way a necessity, despite what the industry and what wedding blogs dictate. We did STs, but on the cheap. I wish we could do OOT bags, but it's just not in the finances. My guests can take care of their own feet and most know how unpredictable Canadian weather can be, so I assume they are mature enough to dress appropriately.
Wedding blogs are also part of the problem, in my mind. Don't get me wrong, I love weddingbee, but simple, no-frills weddings just aren't going to be featured. I'm having my reception in the church hall, and how many of those do you see featured on line? Not many, and people tend to mock them as tacky or cheap when they are featured. What people need to remember is that the weddings you see online are not always the weddings you see in real life. I have never been to a wedding that DIDN'T take place in a church or community hall, or that didn't involve a cash bar or a BYOB party. It's worth keeping that perspective in mind, that wedding blogs are very selective about what they post, and they might not be a true representation of weddings as they appear in real life. A simple cake and punch reception just isn't going to have all the details and prettiness of a four day extravaganza, so it's not going to get covered.
*sigh* For another perspective on this, read "Your Wedding is Not a Competition" on www.offbeatbride.com
After going through all the planning I do love a lot of the details that people have. So much creativity goes into a wedding. That being said, I think for me the number 1 thing is that it's a party uniting two people with lots of people celebrating.
There are some fancier weddings that I've been to that I've been terrifically uncomfortable at, especially compared to at home weddings that had a lot less money put into them. When a wedding is super regulated and not about having a good time but showing off or getting all the elements in, so it just feels way too artificial, like we're going to dance then eat then dance with the parents then toss the bouquet and cut the cake and now it's time for everyone to go home.
As long as you fulfill the number one of having an environment where you can celebrate a happy union with family and friends I think it's a good wedding. Now don't get me wrong I have been to AMAZING weddings that were super ritzy and I think it's terrific if you can pull both off but for me too many people lose themselves in the 'we have to do this' or 'we have to do that'. And I love flowers and cakes and what not but they're not what are going to make people comfortable or have a good time.
Thanks for bringing this up. I sometimes think of all the money involved in a wedding (not only our costs but the costs of guests coming, hotels, flights, etc) and feel a little sick. But then, I suppose it's good to stimulate the economy. :s
This is a great thread. I just wanted to share that I inherited my grandmother's wedding planning book from her 1942 wedding. In it she listed the costs for the bridal gown, the shoes, etc. It was fascinating to see that her dress (which I also inherited) cost $25.00 and that was a lot of money to her. Her shoes were $2.50!
As I've been planning our wedding, I occasionally get those gasps of panic when I realize how much this is costing. And we're not going all-out, either! But as others have said, this will be one of the few times we have our entire family, all our far-flung friends, etc. in the same place, so that makes it worth it to me. The only other time our families get together, it seems, is for funerals... not exactly a time of celebration.
I think it's interesting that the rustic/vintage-y weddings featured on SMP were mentioned as cost-effective :) Some of those weddings are actually designed by the brides, but the vast majority are designed by pros, pros who have require minimum budgets of $50,000 or more. That whole indie aesthetic is actually very expensive to pull off.
As long as you spend the money in a way that's meaningful to you, I don't hold it against anyone to spend a large or small amount. It's very personal and up to each couple!
I love love love this thread!!
I'll be the first to admit that my wedding got blown WAY out of proportion, but my mom decided to do all the planning, so I have to deal with it.
What I'm NOT ok with is my mom always freaking out that I simply DONT CARE about the details. Seriously. I'm getting married to the man I love.. that is ALL I care. All the money that is going into it...whatever. I would be just as happy getting married at my cabin and having a bbq after. As long as the end result is the same (being married), I could care less about the details.
If only my mom thought the same way..instead all I hear is "so and so did this at their wedding..so you should do it that way" "this is what they did for their program".. she doesn't get that it is MY wedding.. and that I don't have to top all of their friends kids weddings. Sheesh.
I agree with Corgi that everything is getting more expensive, including weddings.
On one hand, I think it’s insane we will spend about $20k on one day, and I keep thinking of what else we could do with the money, but on the other, we are having the wedding we want.
We wanted top-notch catering – well, that comes at a price. We wanted a venue that had an ocean-view, again, that comes with a price tag much higher than having it at a hall without any sort of view.
I don’t feel pressured by my parents/elders at all to have a “fancy” wedding. The only thing my mom has complained about it that we are not having a traditional cake (cupcakes instead). Finally I told her point-blank that the cake bakers we are allowed to work with through our venue charge a MINIMUM of $1,000 for a cake, and for the cakes we liked, which were nothing fancy, they would have cost $1,500 plus. I don’t think she had any idea cakes would be that pricey.
Different areas of the country are more expensive too, for sure.
What I do feel pressure from is the pressure to “impress” people (not really the right word, but I'm struggling to find the right one lol). Not to WOW them, or to show off (showing off is definitely not my intention at all!!!!) – but most of our guests are coming from across the country and making our wedding weekend the only vacation they will take for the year. So, I feel like since they are doing that for me, I shouldn’t be “short-changing” them. I dunno though. I love what we’re doing, but sometimes I wish we could just elope.
I think things may have also been easier for our parents because there were fewer "trends" in wedding style, and they were slower to change. Wedding blogs are great, but they do contribute to the idea that there's a better or best way to go about throwing a wedding, and it can be difficult to keep up since things change so quickly. (Pickups, anyone?)
Wow, you ladies have made this thread really good. Personally, I'm trying to have the attitude of "I'm marrying the man of my dreams so I don't care what anyone else thinks" but it's hard. I don't even have an extravagent budget...$7,000 but it seems like I'm constantly worried about guests (family and friends) thinking that something is tacky or cheap-looking. I'm also part of the facebook generation and I plan on adding a few pictures on my profile. I think about people snickering at my wedding or something like that. I know it sounds juvenile but I can't help it!
I wanted a smaller, less expensive wedding but for what we wanted and where it was not possible. I'm getting married in Washington, DC which is one of the most expensive places to get married in. We first started looking at places outside the city which would have been far cheaper, but then we run into the problem of people driving out there and being unfamiliar with the area and my partner's side coming from Scotland who would have to rent cars. So that put us in the city proper. Still looking at less expensive venues, but next we have the issue of my fiance's 82 year old grandmother and my father both of whom are not in the best health. My mom requested we have it at a hotel so that if my dad wasn't feeling well he could up to his hotel room. Both sets of parents are generously paying for the wedding so I'm not going to say no to a hotel just so I can have the "perfect" venue. Finallly I would have liked a much smaller guest list, like maybe 60 people total but my side alone (cutting out all second cousins, only including close friends, no children, etc) was 60 so that idea was out, too. I think that if you can have your wedding in a backyard (we don't have one) or an inexpensive venue (frankly wasn't an option for the reasons listed above) it's totally possible but I'd like to respectfully ask that you not judge people who are having a more expensive wedding for personal reasons which you might not know about.
I love this thread and I am glad someone has brought it up. I have been married once before (over 10 years ago), and had gone through an engagement already once in my life and here I am going through it again. You'd think that with experience comes ease with planning but for some reason, this time around it is much more difficult. One thing I can attribute the difficulty to is technology.
Back then the internet was new and very few vendors/companies/firms had their own websites. Almost everything was done via word-of-mouth and because of it, most weddings looked alike because everyone used the same bridal salon, florist, photographer, baker, etc. Today, with the advent of blogs, IM's, chat rooms, social networking, etc. the word-of-mouth network has gotten larger. More and more weddings have its own unique touches and as word-of-mouth gets around, what was once a "unique touch" has become a standard (i.e., Save-the-Dates, engagement sessions, candy buffets, bathroom baskets, OOT bags, boudoir sessions, trash the dress sessions, etc. - there was none of this back then). The wedding industry has gotten so large because each bride wants to feel unique on her special day. It is the want that drives our own ingenuity, and frankly, capitalism in this country. God Bless America!
As for me this time around, I knew I wanted something different. I knew I wanted my wedding to be more of an intimate friend and family get together than a large one night event. I thought this way, I can spend more time with family and save some money along the way. As I've learned the last few months, I am not alone with this. According to wedding coordinators, the recession has lead to this change. The wedding industry has slowly changed its tune to accomodate wedding weekends with a small guest list. When I was searching for venues, I was surprised at how many choices and options I had available to me. Unfortunately, because the industry has caught on, it is now a standard. And with standard comes the $$$. So much for being unique and saving money...sigh. 
I give credit to the wedding industry at how nimble it can be. Now if only the DMV were just as nimbe...LOL!
Interestingly enough, the technical answer to the OPs question is probably "At the beginning of civilization." We tend to think the big extravagant wedding is a sign of Western cultural excess, but in reality, weddings have been village-wide, extravagant and complex events in cultures all over the world for thousands of years.
I definitely relate to the cycle of spending problem, though. I start off thinking:
"We should just get married privately."
Then.
"Well, no, of course I want to celebrate with people I love, I just can't imagine not doing that."
Then.
"Well, if I invite A, B, and C then I really have to invite X, Y, and Z."
"I'll need to feed all of those people. And I mean, we have to have something to do - a venue big enough for a dance floor and music..."
"We want it to be nice. I mean, if we're already spending X amount of money to have this big affair, why not spend the extra X to make it look nice? I mean, relatively speaking, we've already committed so much anyways, why spend that much to have it be bare bones..."
And on and on. And the truth is, a big party in a big venue with food and dancing is just really darn expensive!
I am with you OP, I secretly think I sort of "hate" weddings/ wedding stuff. I love it- what I mean to say is- it all seems so over-the-top sometimes that I find myself wondering some of the same things- or judging almost. I don't like the standard of perfection that comes with a wedding, it seems the original purpose IS lost. But this is also my casual observation and experience, I know it isn't this was for everyone. I just sometimes feel that when the standards are so high, it loses the point. ..but maybe not for everyone? Also, while wedding are big events the world over, American weddings are different. It is about perfection and spending money, there IS a wedding industrial complex. Other cultures have communities come together and the celebrations have a different emphasis. I am not saying that some American weddings don't. I am just aiming to be honest about it.
I feel like there's a ridiculous amount of pressure on brides to do things a certain way and not break tradition. I'm a very casual and laid back person (and so is my FI) and sometimes I'm not sure how we got to the place of spending the amount of money we're spending on one day. It's really insane when you think about it. I know it will be worth it but I feel pressured to make things perfect for everyone and spend more money than we should.
I'm actually with @MerryMary. Most weddings I've been to were at a church hall!
i honestly think weddings are a huge waste of money. i've wanted to elope from the beginning. however, my fh is really into the whole wedding thing and i have embraced it with almost every fiber of my soul. i made clear from the beginning though, that this would not be expensive. that i completely planned on treating it like a family reunion, but we were the hosts. he was totally down, and for about $2500 we are throwing an awesome afternoon bbq for our family and friends, who will also happen to be present to watch us dedicate our lives to each other.
imo, it's one thing if you've already got a house (paid off), 2 cars in the garage (paid off) and stellar incomes - then do what you want with your money. but if i had even 10 grand to throw away, i'd take a foreign vacation with my fh or buy an rv! it seems a huge waste to spend a large chunk of money on a wedding just to "keep up with the jonses".
i think it all blew up when they started showing more and more wedding shows like platinum bride and the others......i think some brides feel they have to compete with eachother. my wedding budget is kind of on the lower end but im a DIYer and scavage the internet looking for the best deals. i just want our wedding to be different and unique, i dont want to compete with anyone for the best centerpieces or bouquets or whatever....in the end i don't care if someone doesn't like certain stuff at our wedding...afterall we ARE footing the bill....lol
I hate to say it, but weddings are now a very commercial venture, and there's a lot of competition between brides as well. We all want to have the best wedding we can have, and there's a lot of pressure to say that getting a dress from X is cheap, a dress from Y is much better even if it is 10 times the price, etc. And the marketing people are very clever, they can tap into a whole world of insecurities to get you to do it their way. Want an eco wedding? It won't be eco unless you do it this way! Want a fairy-tale? Buy these!
Since getting engaged, and talking weddings with a lot of people, all of whom wanted different things from their special day, i've noticed a lot of judgements are made. I have no engagement ring. I don't want one. I'm a physio and it's not pratical for me, and i only ever wear one piece of jewellery anyway, my late gran's pearl pendant. Instead, FI bought me an beautiful antique dressing table that i had coveted but could not justify the expense of. People i've known and loved all my life - who know i don't "do" jewellery - are astonished that i'm not bowing to tradition or completely altering my normal life to accommodate things i've never felt necessary.
i'm in the same boat as @circus peanut. I have a very small family so i keep thinking "hey, small wedding! Maybe we could elope!" But FI has a bigger family, so we don't want to exclude them. And obviously we want our friends to be there, and most people will have to come from overseas or across the country so they'll need to bring the kids; so before we know it, our guest list has gone from 20 to 300 and we're horrified at that thought and go back to the "maybe we should just run off to city hall with our very bestest friends in tow" route.
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