Post # 1
Lately, money has been tight so BF has given me money to get by but it was always done with the understanding that it was a loan. And I’ve always paid him back so far.
I’m okay with this for the most part. We don’t live together yet (though we are moving in together in January) and the only bills we share are the cell phone and the YMCA bill.
I understand why BF loans me money instead of just giving it to me. It’s because he needs it back. I make more money than him but I also have a lot more bills than he does. He only has to pay his half of the cell phone bill, the entire YMCA bill (he had to take over the YMCA bill because I couldn’t afford to pay half anymore) and gas for his car. He lives with his parents rent-free and can eat their food anytime he wants. But I also know that he’s not rich either.
When BF says “Well here, I can loan you some money”, I’m always grateful, of course. And I never even ASK for the money, he decides to loan me the money on his own. I never ask for it. But when he loans me the money…
There is a small part of me that feels…disappointed, I guess? I’m not even sure what to name the feeling.
I just think of us as a team already, I suppose. I guess that I am starting to think of it as “our” money. And the term “loan” doesn’t make it feel like we are a team. I mean, if I had the money and BF was in a tight spot, I would gladly give him the money without expecting it back from him.
Am I making sense? I can’t even really figure out what I’m feeling or how/why I’m feeling this way.
I haven’t said any of this to him because frankly, it sounds greedy and ungrateful. And I know that it’s not really an issue yet because we don’t live together right now and we only share two bills. So there’s no real point to start thinking of it as “our” money.
But I can’t get rid of this niggling feeling. Sigh. So I have two questions for you ladies. Am I a terrible, greedy person? And when did you and your SO start thinking of it as “our” money?
Post # 3
I began thinking of it as “our money” a couple of months ago when FI and I began sharing money if one of us needed it. It hadn’t happened before that as it didn’t come up. Even more so, I’ve begun to think of it as “our money” given the fact that we’re combining our bank accounts and pooling our money – with a joint checking account. We already have a joint savings account.
Post # 4
hmmm….when we moved in together and got a joint checking and savings is when it started to feel like our money. Then it felt like we had common goals with money and bought things together for our home, etc. We also had a several conversations about money at that time…what we both owed, our view on saving, spending, etc.
Up until then we did our own thing and when one of us was loaned money by the other, it was paid back. After we had shared money, that changed.
Post # 5
We’re married and expecting a child and I still consider it “his” money!
The only exception is grocery/gas/shared bills. That’s “grocery” money or “gas” money (we share a car) or “rent” money.
But we have pooled finances, and every time I go to buy a pair of maternity pants I go “Hey! Just so you know, I bought _______ today. None of my pants fit! They were $_____.”
Thinking like that helps me stay ultra-conservative with our money (DH makes 4X what I did, and it’s hard for me to wrap my head around!)
Post # 6
@LadyBlackheart: Around the time we got engaged or maybe a bit before…so that is 3 months into our relationship. If my husband was short on money, I’d pay for something and it wouldn’t be a loan. Whoever is more flush at that time pays and it is always “our” money and we both have access to it. We definitely keep tabs or keep track of who pays what. I wouldn’t feel like partners if we did that. That’s just me though!
Post # 7
We combined finances when we got married and moved in together. Actually, we started a joint savings account together when we were saving for our honeymoon. But then once we were married and had moved in together, we combined all of our accounts and it all become “our” money.
Post # 8
This was a very tough topic for me and DH.. and money still is. I ask over and over how other couples do it without having any issues and I haven’t quite been able to put my finger on it yet! HA. When DH and I were engaged we lived together and kept seperate accounts. We split all household bills 50/50, we each paid our “own” bills (ccards, student loans, car pmt) and we had our own accounts that of course had all of our left over money. We opened a joint account while saving for the wedding and each put in a certain amount and we met our goal and paid for our wedding just fine. BUT we still had seperate everything else. It would frustrate me when we’d go out to eat with our friends and we’d ask for seperate checks!!! b/c my bill was coming out of my money and his would come out of his money…. ughh, drove me crazy. After the wedding we started saving for a house and again that worked our fine. We bought our house in April and that is when we decided to put our money together…. and phew.. what a nightmare! It’s still a struggle and I strongly believe it’s bc we both look at my money as my money not as our money. It’s almost like we are too selfish to share. We have been trying and trying to work it out and we’ve set budget after budget and it’s slowly (painfully slowly) getting better. In the end I totally understand what you are saying and I hate to admit it but I understand where your BF is coming from b/c I think me and my DH had his mentality….. I honestly can’t tell you why. I also understand where you are coming from in wishing he’d just “give” you the money and I dont’ think you are greedy or terrible or anything. I honestly think that people just view and treat money differently. I had thought that my DH and I were the way we were b/c we are slightly older and we’ve been on our own for longer so maybe we were jsut more set in our ways.. but your BF doesn’t exactly fit that criteria….
TO answer your question.. I guess I started to think of it as our money once we combined everything.. but it’s still hard to wrap my head around…
Post # 9
@LadyBlackheart: I began thinking of it as “our” money at the beginning of September when my job ended and I no longer was making money to pay for myself, lol. We were fully aware that this was going to happen though.
I wouldn’t feel greedy if I were you. If he had “loaned” me money and expected it back I probably would have felt sad that he didn’t want to support or help me. I feel like if you are olanning on getting marRied then there is no neeFodor having to pay the other person back.
Post # 10
This is honestly such a scary topic! my BF and I have been together for 7 years lived together with a lease for only 2 and lived between our parents houses for a few years before that.
Our first apartment we stayed separate and literally wrote 2 checks for everything. Can we say disaster? you bet. But merging our money was just crazy to us. but in our second apartment we had to sit down and have an honest conversation. how are we going to do this? this is our solution.
We opened one joint checking account and kept our own personal accounts. All JOINT and JOINT only bills are paid from this account and money is moved into it as needed. all personal bills are paid from our own accounts. I have a significant amount of student load debt and he does not. but like you I make more money. we recently merged our cell phones bills to pinch penny’s (we are saving for a house and ring..well trying) if there is money left over and one of us is broke permission needs to be granted to use the account.
But we do still loan each other money with the intent to pay back whether it be direct or threw a joint bill. i still would barley consider our money ours. but it works for us. money will make or break a relationship you just need to find your happy place as a couple.
Post # 11
@LadyBlackheart: I won’t consider it our money until we merge finances. I’m not sure that will ever happen either. I don’t really care either way. If I need some money, I just ask. He can do the same but he ALWAYS has cash on hand which is my downfall. “Can I have $10 for lunch?” is my usual utterance.
Post # 12
@LadyBlackheart: Well I don’t think you’re a greedy person, but I don’t work and my husband pays for everything. Since we got our own place together, we’ve always thought of it as “our money,” however we weren’t even engaged at the time. I had a very blunt discussion with him at the beginning of our relationship about how I wanted to stay at home and if he wasn’t on board with this type of lifestyle we needed to break up. I think it was much easier for us to transition into “our money” because our arrangement was very clear from the beginning. The key for all relationships is to have open communication, especially when it comes to finances. Some couples always have a your half/my half type of set up with bills or accounts, and if that works for them I don’t see anything wrong with it.
Post # 13
I think it started around the time that we decided to get married, but we still loan and pay each other back for things in an informal way. although a lot of small things we just let go, it probably comes out about equal in the end
Post # 14
I didn’t consider it “our” money until after we were married. We lived together when we were Bf/GF and while we were engaged, but still treated finances as a percentage (you pay this, I pay that) versus “our” money. Personally, it would of felt weird to combine it if we weren’t married.
Post # 15
@LadyBlackheart: I considered it “our money” when we combined our finances (and actually a little bit before when we moved in together). However, when we were dating I would always ask him about major purchases just so I’d have someone who could talk some sense into me if it was, perhaps, a bad purchase. I guess I never asked DH for money ever. He would offer to chip in, and I would accept if it was something we could use together.
Post # 16
It became “our” money when I became unexpectedly unemployed. I got another job after 10 months, and by then it was just ours for good. Now it’s “our” budget, “our” savings, “our” paychecks.
Being unemployed sucked but I AM grateful that it made the transition to “our” money much much easier.
ETA: We don’t have completely combined accounts though and likely never will. We have a joint savings and a joint CC that we use to buy EVERYTHING. The 3 bills that won’t accept CC payment without a fee, SO pays the one large one out of her checking and I pay 2 smaller ones out of my checking.