Post # 1
Here’s alittle background: For SIL’s first pregnancy, me and my DH found out about it by accident. Unfortunately she had a MC. She got pregnant right after the MC and didn’t tell her brother (my DH) until he found out again by accident and she was around 10 weeks. Luckily that baby stuck! Fast forward to the present – and SIL is pregnant again…and told me and my DH at her 12 week mark.
Side note – my SIL told her in-laws about all of the pregnancies including her husband’s siblings at least a month before telling her own brother. Her brother does not gossip and is great at keeping secrets…so I don’t get it.
We are kind of hurt that we were the last immediate family members to know. Are we being too sensitive?
Post # 3
Hmm, normally I would say this is normal but the last part of your story is confusing. I have no idea why she would have told siblings on her side and not you unless the others were unaware of the miscarriage she had previously? I don’t think that in any way makes it fair, but perhaps she was more comfortable sharing the news with people who didn’t know about the possibility of things going wrong? She knew you guys might think it was early to tell so she waited? Personally, I have experienced a similar situation. My first pregnancy, I planned to tell siblings at the 8 week mark after my first doctor appt. However, my BIL was over one day and saw a pregnancy book I left out on the table around 6 weeks so we had to tell him and his wife. Since they already knew it only seemed fair to tell DH’s other brother and my brother as well. Unfortunately, we miscarried at 7.5 weeks. The next time we got pregnant we didn’t tell any siblings until after the 12 week mark. We did tell our parents around 9 weeks but only after we had passed our previous milestone and had a good appt to see a healthy baby and healthy heartbeat. We have always tried to tell people at the same time though. Sorry you are feeling left out. 🙁
Post # 4
@MrsBaldEagle: I have told my immediate family, but I haven’t told my brother. Although that is because I don’t want my mother to know yet (long story short, I consider my aunt my mother and my mother just another family member). I’m sure he might be hurt when he finds out that I told other people before I told him, but I just hope he understands.
Post # 5
@MrsBaldEagle: It’s up to the individual what they are comfortable with. My sister had a MC with her second and didn’t tell me about the MC or that she was pregnant again until she was about 12 weeks. My mom and others knew first, simply due to proximity (she wanted to wait to tell me in person). It’s really up to them to decide.
We told DH’s parents and siblings at 8 weeks because we were all on vacation together and I was feeling like death so we didn’t want them to speculate and ruin our surprise to tell them. We will tell my parents and siblings this weekend at 11 weeks because we want to tell them in person and haven’t seen them before now to tell them. We probably won’t tell the rest of our families for a few more weeks.
My mom might be hurt we waited so long to tell them, but it’s our decision and it’s what we were comfortable with. We were hesitant about telling his parents so early and it was really stressful knowing that they knew so early because I’m so afraid of MC.
Post # 6
- Wedding: November 2011 - Florida Aquarium
I told both my dad and brother at 9 weeks– honestly, I love them both dearly and we’re very close, but I would have waited until 12 weeks. My brother and I live in the same town, and we went to visit our dad who lives away from us– so I told them together.
DH, though, didn’t tell any of his family until 16 weeks. I’m sure they blame me for that, but it was his choice.
In your situation though, I can only imagine after a miscarriage you’re quite guarded and scared. I wouldn’t take it personally.
Post # 7
We didn’t tell our siblings until 11 weeks. It’s not that we weren’t excited to share the news with them, it’s that we didn’t want to burden them with keeping the secret until we were comfortable telling everyone else. Our siblings were the first ones we called when we were ready to share the news, so I guess they found out 2 minutes before everyone else.
We told our parents early (mine immediately and DH’s at around 7 weeks) because we knew that we would want their support if something were to go wrong. However, in the weeks between when we told them and when we told everyone else, it was torture that they knew. Everytime I talked to them, they said “can we start telling people yet???” I couldn’t imagine hwo annoying it would have been if we would have told more people early and asked them to keep the secret as well….
Post # 8
Maybe they told the other siblings earlier because they found out by accident? Or to “even up” the fact that your husband found out early before? Or they wanted to tell in person and it worked out that way? I wouldn’t read a lot into it.
I can’t remember when my sister and her husband called and told me – I think it was somewhere between 8-12 weeks. It was definitely before they told friends, but it’s probably true that they waited a little because she had a miscarriage before at about 4 weeks (found out she was pregnant because she was losing it).
Post # 9
My SIL’s in-laws all knew before us. It may have been a proximity issue – but I just think its unfair. If she told her husband’s siblings – she should have told her brother.
I understand about being hesitant after a miscarriage – but I dont understand why she told some family members earlier than others.
Post # 10
@MrsEagleEye: Everyone knew about her miscarriage. They told everyone very early in the first pregnancy – even got her in-laws gifts to announce the pregnancy. We got nothing 🙁
Post # 11
@MrsBaldEagle: My sister, aside from my husband, is my best friend. She told me as soon as she knew with all 3 of her pregnancies. With my brothers (2 of which have kids, 1 doesn’t), it was up to their wives. I am close with one, so she told me right away. The other is a right cunt and I found out from my brother as soon as she “allowed” it.
It depends how close you are is my answer.
Post # 12
People can be funny about pregnancy.
My sister just told me on the weekend she is 6 weeks pregnant and although she is really excited she does not want to tell my Mum & Dad just yet. It will be their first grand baby and they will be over the moon. I skyped with Mum last night and felt bad knowing this news without her knowing. I don’t really understand but I do know everyone has their own reasons, it’s not because she loves them less and I’m sure in your situation it’s not because they love you less. It’s just a thing.
I said to my FI, as soon as we know I’m pregnant I will be telling the family, I am almost as excited for them as I will be for us.
Post # 13
- Wedding: November 2007 - Radisson Hotel
For us, we’d had two miscarriages between my daughter and this baby (22w). My family has no clue I miscarried, much less twice last year, once at Christmas. It was just too hard for me because I see them all the time, more than my husband’s family and I didn’t want to be reminded of it. When we got pregnant again, we told his side after we had our 8w scan and saw there was a heartbeat. We told my Mom a week later. THEN, we told my Dad at 12w, and finally told my brother. We don’t have the best relationship, though, and he lives in a different coutnry.
Post # 14
we are telling our parents and siblings on the same weekend/at the same time. The closest date we can see all of them on the same weekend is at 12 weeks.
Post # 15
@MrsBaldEagle: Yes, I think you are being too sensitive. People who are expecting should announce a pregnancy when they feel comfortable…not when they think others would expect them to announce it.
I am a very private person and as weird as this sound, if I had a miscarriage having more people know about it (even in a supportive aspect) would be harder on me. I do better when I rely on my husband and myself. Not when everyone is constantly reminding me about whatever it is they feel the need to support me on. I realize it’s all in good intentions, but it doesn’t help me. You just have to respect people and their boundaries.
Post # 16
@MrsBaldEagle: It’s not a matter of fairness. They’re allowed to tell whomever they want whenever they want. It doesn’t matter if you understand why or not. The fact is, that’s what they were comfortable with and that’s enough of a reason. I really think you’re reading into this way too much and should really just drop it and move on and be excited about the new family member.