Post # 1
my SO and I are going on vacation in a couple of days and we had a bit of a debate last night and this morning about money – mainly for our trip, but a little bit in general
In general, I feel that since I’m working full time and so is he, we need to each contribute to financing our lifestyle. We split food 50/50 and our rent/utilities 70/30 (because he makes waaay more than me and that’s proportional to what we bring in). I’d prefer 50/50, but I took a big pay cut to work in our field in his small town so it seems relatively fair. We each pay for our own cars, I pay my own cell phone, any fluctuations in utilities above the average he covers, etc.
With this vacation, the idea has always been that we each pay our part. We chose our destination based on my budget because it’s smaller than his; we’re definitely doing things on the cheap and a bit on the fly. Even still, it’s hard to find places to take out money where we’re going and most people suggest taking most of what you need with you when you first come. I don’t want for us to be carrying around thousands in cash! I’d never enjoy myself I would be stressing way too much instead! When I expressed my concern about carrying lots of money, he said it’s okay, I should decide how much I want to spend on this trip and he’ll just pay for the rest for me, because that’s what he’ll be doing for the rest of his life anyway. He also was grumbling that he’s going to empty his bank account for this and he’s going to have to spend thousands and thousands on a ring for me because I’m materialistic.
Bees, when/how did you decide to have one of you pay more than the other in your relationship? And why?
Also, what would you do about vacation money if you were me? He is honestly talking about us spending approximately twice what I think we should be spending. I don’t want him to not enjoy his vacation, but I don’t think I want to spend anywhere near what he is talking about!
Post # 3
@babeba: Right off the bat H paid for all our our dinners out and our vacations. I was salaried, but I lowered my income to 75% in order to go back to school so money was very tight for me owning a house too at the same time. His salary was like 3x that of mine.
But he happily paid for everything for the 3 years we dated before getting engaged (and living apart). If we were on vacation, maybe I popped for one dinner out if he let me.
I would make him dinners a lot, so it kind of was balanced in the end.
We talked about it – how to do money while we’re dating and living apart. That lead to how to do money while we’re engaged and then how to do money when we’re married. So we had a plan for every stage.
Post # 4
@babeba: FI and I split almost everything 50/50. Its just what works for us. He makes a lot more money then I do, about 3 x’s what I do. When we live together hes going to pay more than I will because he makes more. I’m going to cover the basic’s: heat/hydro, food, phone, etc. and hes going to pay the mortgage+maintenance on our condo. He’s also going to be buying a new car and is going to give me his piad off older one. All in all, we really help eachother out moneywise.
When we go on vacation, we each cover our own fight/hotel costs. We just simply divide that 50/50. Sometimes he’ll pay up front for mine and I’ll give him my part of the money over 2 weeks. As for money we bring on the trip, He usually brings slightly more than I do. We’re going to vegas in a couple months, he’ll probably bring $1000 and I’ll probably bring $700 for spending cash.
Post # 5
- Wedding: October 2014 - Our Backyard/Steakhouse
This is something I actually struggle with a lot because of the guilt…FI makes 2-3x what I do and has taken me and my two girls into his house. He covers the ‘costs’ and in turn all he asks is that I keep him fed, in clean clothes, and the house clean. It’s not like he’s asking for the world but I still feel like I don’t do enough to show him how appreciative I am. I get up with him at 5:30 and make his breakfast, coffee, lunch, and send him off to work before getting everyone else up and try to do my best to make sure he never has to worry about things at the house. I also work full time and like to treat him to a special dinner out now and again…I wish I was able to let go of the guilt that I feel (as he tells me I should) but it’s so hard!
Post # 6
@LDay1983: I had that guilt too, and I talked to H about it. Wishing I could contribute more. He assured me that all those home cooked dinners were so appreciated. Plus since we had talked of marriage that that point, he said it will all be our money in the long run anyway!
Post # 7
@babeba: We split 50/50, but it reeeeaaally doesn’t matter since we see money as communal.
Except if whatever we’re doing requires cash, since he usually carries cash and I never do. But if I do happen to come into any bills I turn them over to him for safekeeping. He loves being the person who has the cash!
Post # 8
We split everything 50/50 from when we first started dating until we got married, at which point we joined accounts, so now all our $$ goes into one account, from which we pay our bills, put money into savings for each of us every month, and pay off our credit cards each month for general spending (i.e., dinners out, shopping, etc).
Post # 9
@babeba: When my DH and I were dating, we split things 50/50 (roughly).
Once we got engaged, we knew that we’d combine finances upon marriage, so now we look at all our money as joint and don’t worry about who pays for what.
Can’t give advice on your vacation situation without knowing where you are going and what you plan to do.
Post # 10
@sienna76: I bought my flat just before DH and I got together and he moved in after 18 months. I continued to pay the mortgage and bills but he pays for food, outings, a garage we rent for our car, petrol etc. It’s enabled him to save quite a bit for our future.
We’re now selling my flat (for a nice profit even after 3 years) and moving away so I have to quit my job. From now on I’ll have to rely on him for a lot more stuff, but it will be the profit from my flat which goes as a deposit on our future home. I’ll use my savings for personal stuff or buying him gifts, I’ll also contribute to travel (we’re moving to the other side of the world from my family so we’ll be spending a lot of plane tickets)
It feels weird to know I’ll have to rely on him as I’ve been independent for 10 years but we’re planning to TTC soon and we both want me to be a SAHM so it will work out.
Post # 11
DH always paid for everything from the start. I still paid my own bills but he paid for dinners, activities, vacations. He makes more than I do, but even if he didn’t I think he still would’ve paid. Of course I’d pay for stuff here and there. Once we got engaged we went on a family plan so he started paying for my phone and covered everything other than gas for my car. I think you have to do what’s right for you, but if he’s willing to cover some of the finances to make it easier on you guys, why not? In the beginning of your post it seems like he wants to pay and towards the end of your post it sounds like he isn’t happy about it, so that obviously makes a difference too.
Post # 12
@babeba: My FI always pays for me for the most part.
I am occassionally able to pay but I have to be sneaky about it. I usually go to the grocery store so I think he appreciates that but when he goes he spends way more than I do because he stocks up and steaks and wine!
Just to note: he makes about 2x what I make and since we each still have our own places our bills are about the same so we both know he has more discretionary income than I do.
Post # 13
@babeba: We aren’t married, just engaged & living together here’s what we do:
Every day: We are both well paid, he does make more than I do
- He pays the mortgage, and utlity bills. ( He is the sole owner of the house- I will not contribute money to the mortgage unless my name is listed as part owner)
- I pay for the groceries.
- We pay for our own: Gas, insurance, phone, gym, etc. bills.
- We’re splitting wedding costs
- We usually break things up evenly- he’ll pay his way I pay mine. Usually one of us will pay for whatever we’re doing and we true it up later. For example, we went to Germany a few months ago. He paid for everything while we were there / hotels and I gave him cash when we got home.
Post # 14
@babeba: Where are you going that you can’t get money out? I’ve been in some really remote places in 3rd world countries. I’ve always been able to get money out of a bank/ATM before we left the last city to head to these areas. I rarely carry more than a couple hundred on me at a time when I travel. And I spread it out. Some on my person, some in this pocket of a bag, in that pocket of a bag, tucked into my toiletry case, etc. If a bit gets taken, its not the end of the world, there’s more cash somewhere else.
Beyond that, FI and I make within 2k of each other. So we split our joint costs 50/50. We each do what we want with the rest (take care of our own personal costs, RRSPs, TFSAs, clothing, solo trips, etc.) It works for us. I don’t know that we’ll ever be completely joint where all of our cash goes into one account. We transfer in the amount for the joint account from our personal accounts on payday. Anything bought out of the joint account over a certain amount has to be discussed first. For trips we pay everything down the middle except any souvenirs.
Recently we’ve started putting everything on his amex for the points. So if we’re out for dinner, even if I’m paying it goes on his amex and I transfer him the money. (We play rock, paper, scissors to determine who pays. We’ve done it since our 2nd date. He always throws rock first. ALWAYS. So if I want to win, I throw paper, if I’d rather he pays I throw scissors. :P)
Post # 15
- Wedding: May 2014 - Madison, WI
We tend to split things 70(me)/30(him) because I make 2X+ what he makes when it comes to major expenses.
Somethings we will split 50/50, like travel expenses or sometimes he’ll pay more or most of a trip if it’s to see his family just like I will tend to cover more expenses when we are traveling for my family.
A lot of things we just don’t keep track of because we do think of smaller everyday things as joint expenses and just let it go. Like I tend to pay more for groceries and do a lot of cooking and FI tends to pay for all our meals out. It’s not an exact system but it works for us.
Post # 16
@babeba: I make almost twice what DH makes now, but we still approach things as a 60/40 relationship. I pay 60% of bills, he pays 40% of bills. It works well for us.
We used to do 50/50, but it didn’t work at well.There were times when he made more and I couldn’t afford the 50/50 and times when I made more and he couldn’t afford 50/50. It caused a lot of stress for us. Now, we don’t really keep track of most expenses in terms of mine or yours, it’s “ours.” We do rent, utilities, car payments etc baed on the 60/40, but otherwise, it’s just whoever feels like paying. We also don’t have a joint bank account (just joint savings).
Regarding your situation, I think it is a little mean for him to call you materialistic for wanting a ring, but that’s something different. You two should definitely find a compromise on how much you want to spend BEFORE the trip. Is there a happy middle ground? Or if he really wants to spend more, he can do somethings that you don’t do (not ideal, but it could work). Honestly, you two will either have to look at money as “ours” or find some sort of compromise on how much to spend. It would be best to work on this now because after marriage, it will only get worse if you are not on the same page financially.