When do you become a family?

posted 2 years ago in The Lounge
  • poll: When are you a family?
    As soon as you are married : (72 votes)
    55 %
    Before you are married : (39 votes)
    30 %
    When you have kids : (9 votes)
    7 %
    Other... : (10 votes)
    8 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    1715 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    By his logic no couple without children is a family and that is just a rude opinion to have IMO.  I think you become a family when you make the decision to spend your life together.

    Post # 4
    Member
    577 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    alyssaC:  Totally agree. DH and I were family when we committed to each other for life. That was before we got engaged and before we moved in together (LDR). Now we are married and have a child, so we’re a family by everyone’s definition, but we felt like just as much of a family back then.

    Post # 5
    Member
    8706 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    My husband and I became a family when I moved in with him. we have no children.<br /><br />I think it’s incredibly dumb to say someone isn’t a family because they have no children. A lot of couples cannot have children, and more may not want children. My husband is absolutely my family. We are a family.

    Post # 6
    Member
    1737 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2014 - 13th ~ TN

    Mrs2b2014:  I didnt vote because I am not sure what to vote. My FI and I live together, we share finances, raising the children, our life together. Just because we are not married yet does not make us a family.

    And agreed with PP, what about couples w/out children? I am sure they consider themselves a family still. It irks me so much that some people think that you have to have children to validate everything and then make everything about those children. I love my children, I want them to grow to be well rounded, successful adults and then I can FINALLY enjoy some alone time with my husband () and possibly some grandkids that I can spoil and then sit back and laugh because they act just like their parents. LOL!!

    Post # 7
    Member
    3412 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    My Husband and I became a family when we married. Anyone who says we aren’t family because we aren’t having children can get effed 😛

    Post # 8
    Member
    3097 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013 - A court...

    When you get married. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    998 posts
    Busy bee

    Other. This is a question I really struggle with personally, but I believe that the answer to this question depends on the couple’s perspective. I do agree with the PPs who think that children aren’t necessary to have a family, but I’m less certain when a couple becomes a family. Technically, it happens after marriage. In reality, it could happen once the partners decide their relationship is for life, once they move in together, or once a child is added. Hell, I have heard the occasional childfree couple say that they don’t think the word “family” is the best descriptor for their household, but I’m pretty sure that’s a minority within that group.<br /><br />More than anything, I think the reason this question really throws me for a loop is because I believe that family is a self-defined concept. I don’t necessarily believe that only love makes a family, either. For example, DBF has a family friend who met him when they were next door neighbors. She is very close with FMIL, and she views DBF and his brothers as nephews. Even though she clearly loves DBF and has watched him grow from a preteen to a young adult, *most* people would be more inclined to classify his cousins as family than this woman, simply because they are relatives (never mind the fact that DBF has only met them once ten years ago when travelling overseas).

    As for my relationship? It’s complicated. DBF and I obviously aren’t married yet, and we don’t live together, either. We have decided to spend our lives together and plan to marry one day, but I don’t think this alone classifies us as a family; we knew this was it before we were officially dating, and it didn’t feel like family to me at that point. But over two years later, DBF has mentioned that he considers me to be part of his family, and even though I disagree, I do think of him in the same vein as my family, and he’s certainly more than “just” a boyfriend. Our current plan is to never have children, but since we will be married, I know that we will be a family without a shadow of a doubt.

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  Luvdisc.
    Post # 11
    Member
    382 posts
    Helper bee

     

    stephee:  “Love makes a family.” THIS!

    Mrs2b2014:  I think this question depends on what people consider to be the defining mark of a family. For some it is children, for others a marriage, and for others (me) it is love. FI is definitely my family. We are engaged, live together, are planning a wedding, share finances and everything else. When we make big decisions one of our first questions to each other is “is this in the best interest of our family”. We became a family long before we had any of those though. He’s my person- supporter, best-friend, partner in every way- that makes him my family.

    Post # 12
    Member
    1119 posts
    Bumble bee

    The having kids definition is odd as well… obviously my mum and dad are my family but they are divorced  so not each others family?  But they have kids together so are each others family? 

    Post # 13
    Member
    8425 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I think you become a family as soon as you see each other in that way.  If two people cohabitate and work towards common goals together, I would consider them a family.

    Post # 3
    Member
    1103 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    Slippery slope there- Is a woman who cannot have kids (and cannot adopt) destined to never have a family?  If a couple has a child and the child passes away, are they no longer a family unless they have another child?

    A child doesn’t make a family, marriage doesn’t even neccessarily make a family either.  Love makes a family.  I am my FI’s family, and he is mine.  After our wedding, we will share a name and become a more defined family, and if we never have children, we will still be a family.

    Post # 14
    Member
    10494 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2011

    I voted as soon as you are married, but I don’t think it’s a requirement to become a family.  It’s just how I see it for DH and I.

    Post # 15
    Member
    1583 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    I would agree that you don’t necessarily need to have kids to be considered a family. I think its when you commit to each other as partners whether that’s a wedding or when you start living together (or something else). Depends on the people involved.

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