Post # 1
My birthday is coming up in the next few days. 2 years ago my SO said we would be engaged by this birthday. (We’ve been dating for over 3.5) I’ve reminded him of this, and eventually found that he doesn’t remember he said it. He’s younger than I am, by more than 5 years, and I know he wants to get certain things “in order” before we get married. We’ve been through a LOT together, including his family not approving of our relationship, living in different cities, and now my decision to temporarily move a few states away in a couple weeks.
I’m going away for the weekend with my best friend, and we’ll be coming back on my bday. I told my SO a long time ago, don’t try proposing to me at 11:59 pm the day b4 my bday. Things I know he has going on this weekend lead me to believe there will not be any swooping in on our weekend to propose.
People around us who used to tell me to not sweat stuff, because he’s young are now starting to say things like, “I don’t know how you do it. I never would have waited that long for a guy.” And these are people that really like him, but are concerned for me.
I don’t want to give an ultimatum, so I think what I’ll be doing is really concentrating on myself when I go a few states away. And not to play games, but not to worry about talking every day, like we do. Let him do the pursuing, the missing.
I just know I’ll be kinda sad for the next couple weeks if we don’t get engaged. I feel I’m almost crossing the line between waiting and letting him be comfortable with where we’re at/ the woman who appears desperate. When do you start losing hope?
Any advice from the hive?
Post # 3
Honestly, I was with my FI for five years before we got engaged. I sort of wondered when we might get engaged but I didn’t stress too hard about it, and I didn’t entirely give up on the idea either. My FI is two years older than me. We dated through half of college and moved right in together. We’ve moved to new cities together, we’ve lived in 4 different apartments, gotten pets, gone through every good and hard time imaginable.
“Getting things in order” before you get married actually sounds like a plausible explanation. The first summer I was with FI (6 long years ago…) he said he was going to marry me. He was living in a rundown frat-style apartment with four guys. I was going to school, partying 5 nights a week, and living with ten girls. Obviously marriage was not an option at that point.
We never stopped wanting to marry each other, but my fiance wanted to give me the ring he thought I deserved (which he had to work and save for) and we wanted to have the wedding we dreamed of…not have to settle for something because we were broke.
Anyway, sorry if I’m rambling, but just don’t put too much emphasis on times and dates. It will happen when it happens. You’re obviously committed to each other and marriage is the next step. Maybe he’s saving for a ring, or wants to be more financially secure before you make such a big committment.
P.S. I heard that line all the time when I was “shacking up” with my then-boyfriend. “I’d never wait that long for a guy,” etc. My girlfriends who bothered me so much about that are still single. So take comments like that with a grain of salt.
Post # 4
We waited eight years. I was in school, we were saving for a house, we’ve had our ups and downs-if we married after two years of dating we never would have made it. I’m not saying this is true for you- but you have to allow people to get their lives in order before they commit to something as important as marriage.
Post # 5
to be honest deep down you know if he’s a good person worth keeping, I’m in a longdistant relationship people kept asking why are you doing it? how do you know he’s not cheating on you, but it’s a feeling you have that it’s a real good thing, I had plenty of temptations, some with better jobs, some who lived closer, but in the end I just wanted him, he was everything I wanted; I’ve been in love many times maybe 3 other, but I knew deep down the others wouldnt work out no matter how much I loved them; him–I thought wow, this may actually work despite the odds
if you know he’s the one you know, timing distance none of that matters, everything happens in its own time
you will know if it’s worth waiting for trust your gut
Post # 6
Just chiming in to agree with the other girls. If you can really see yourself with him forever, and you are confident that he does in fact want to marry you, and he knows that you’re ready to go… maybe waiting isn’t the worst thing? It isn’t ideal. But if you need to wait for the man of your dreams that might just be what needs to happen. If you are really stressing out about it though, maybe you should have a serious sit-down with him about timing. Some guys don’t want to talk about it because it “ruins the surprise.” Yea okay, well ruining the surprise is better than being uncertain in my book. Find out the concrete things that he wants to happen before he commits. I was with a guy for 5 years and was pushing for marriage, and he kept saying he wanted to marry me but the timing wasn’t right. I finally pushed for clarification and found out he wanted to wait until we were 29-30 (we were 21-22 at this point). I decided I couldn’t wait that long and I left (for this and other reasons), and I don’t regret it. However depending on what his time line is, you can probably take some of the anxiety out if you just know what his thinking is.
Post # 7
My FI promised me he’d propose before our second anniversary… and the clock ticked down and it became very apparent he wasn’t going to. I nearly left and that scared him into taking our relationship very seriously. He began working on communication and other issues that had made him scared of marriage and… a year and a half later, we’re getting married. I don’t want to give you false hope; it was hell and I nearly left. It sounds like instead of an ultimatum, you need an honest and thorough conversation with each other about what you both need to have in order before you get married. Before my FI blew the second anniversary, I didn’t know what made him afraid of marriage or how I could help with that. The whole process truly strengthened our relationship and made us much better people as a result. It took wholly honest conversations, with full details and disclosure. It’s painful to tell someone your fears and hear his, but otherwise you’re just stuck with the pain of wondering.
Post # 8
I am so glad for all the stories/advice you are sharing with me. Thank you for opening up and sharing with me.
I guess what’s also making it hard is we are both very traditional, and we won’t live together until we are married, so that just kind of adds a bit more to the story. Many/Most of my friends are now married, and spend time with thier husbands/families, so it’s not like I’m “living it up” being single.
Any advice for getting through the bday and next week unscathed?
Post # 9
I started losing hope about 1 year ago (6 months before he proposed) when we’d been together for 3 years at that time. He’d say things that, I don’t know if he knew, would really really hurt my feelings.
For instance, we’d be watching tv and someone on the show would joke about making babies and so I’d say to him playfully “honey do you want to make babies someday?” and he would coldly say “No.”
Another time I saw an article about ring styles online and I wanted to show him some I liked so if we got engaged someday he’d know. I asked him if he wanted me to show him the article and he said “Not really.” Again, he was dead serious and my hopes were totally squashed.
Lastly he told me that he really wanted to wait 5 more years or more to get married. He didn’t see the point in getting married and he didn’t see why waiting 5 more years would really change things. I was crushed and I actually thought about leaving him. He was right, overall we had a great relationship, but I didn’t know if I could get over us possibly never getting married and never having children. I didn’t know how to be okay with that.
EDIT: I don’t want people to get the wrong idea that I was questioning our relationship because we weren’t getting engaged soon. We had had numerous conversations and him not wanting to get married and not wanting kids (and there was a conversation years ago when he didn’t know if he saw me in his future in 5 years) and I just started having doubts because we didn’t seem to have the same goals in life at the time. It wasn’t just about the ring, I swear! 🙂
Well, 6 months later I was floored when he popped the question. Even just a few weeks after that he talked about wanting kids someday. To this day I dont know if he was just testing me or if he had just suddenly changed his tune that drastically but I am so relieved he came around. I feel bad for ever doubting him.
I did lose just about all hope but he came around. It totally shocked me but he did. He’s only one person but he went through this non-marriage period and he came out of it and was finally ready. You have to be patient because every guy is different. When the time is right for him, he’ll know.
Post # 10
I waited almost 6 years!
When you know he is the one you know and you will wait I never even CONSIDERED leaving him because he hadn’t proposed yet!
But I also think you need to be in control of your own future so I think you need to talk to him about your 5 year plan and he talked to you about his and make sure that you guys are on the same page!
Post # 11
I was with my fiance for 5 years before we got engaged and I was convinced it would NEVER happen. It’ll happen if its meant to happen. The ultimatum never works so try to resist the urge. I tried it and it just made things tense until he finally did propose. But in the long run, 3.5 years isn’t so long that people should be making you feel worse about it! You’ll have a whole lifetime together so you’re right- take this time to work on you!
Post # 12
I think what you said about backing off a bit and letting him do the seeking is a good plan.. I did this too. We are also waiting until we are married to move in together and “other stuff” 😉 so it definatly made it hard to wait.. but it will be soooooo worth it!
But for a while it seemed that he wasn’t pursuing me anymore… that he knew that he had me. I read in a book… “captivating” a really good point – Guys want to be seduced (and not only in a sexual way/ and not in a sexual way outside of marriage) but with everything.. . also they mentioned in the book was “seek and you will find me, when you seek me with all of your heart” that this is a good way for women to live. And I agree 🙂
Anyway.. I am terrible with explaining.. lol. So read the book. 🙂
I hope that it all works out for you. Just enjoy your bday and your weekend.
I know it is hard for anyone to speak into your specific situation, everyone is different. But I hope these thoughts help…
Post # 13
I think it is more important the kind of conversations you’ve had about marriage. He said he was going to propose, right? Do his actions back that up? Does he plan for a future with the assumption you are in it? Does he talk about “when we’re married, when we live together, when we have kinds..”? I think that is probably more telling in terms of if a proposal is coming. No one wants to give an ultimatum, but you can tell him clearly and directly that you want to get married and begin your life together. And that if he isn’t ready, and isn’t going to be ready, then you both need to move on. It’s really about communicating and making the decision to become engaged together. Rather than waiting and feeling frustrated.
This waiting period is tough. I think it is hard on almost every relationship. The carefully constructed balance of power suddenly completely shifts in his favor. You know what is in your heart, and ultimately you can only control yourself and your future. Maybe you will be feel more in control if instead of asking “Will he ever propose,” you start asking “how long am I willing to wait.”
Post # 14
I think you know your relationship and bf best. Everybody seems to be telling happy stories, but I was in a 7 1/2 year relationship with someone who kept saying that he was going to propose, we looked at rings, etc, but it never actually came. he was very into all words and no actions. so i left. that’s not the only reason i left, he gave me plenty of reasons to go. but again, i knew when we were looking at rings that he couldn’t afford one and wasn’t very stable financially, i was kidding myself. you probably also know what’s really going on with you and your bf, and i feel like it has to be something or else you wouldn’t have brought it up.
Post # 15
You guys really are the best. I was so scared to put myself out there on this, and your comments are helping me tremendously.
Redeemed Rebekah-Yeah, I’ve talked about the pursuing thing before with him, and it just seems like he doesn’t realize how unbalanced it is, and so I’m hoping spending time away will help him realize it .I will have to check out that book! Thanks!
sjbee-The balance of power thing is SO true. As an older woman, who has never been married, it is hard to know that he has the power to decide when we move forward.