When does it cross the line? ***Kind of Long***

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
69 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I would definitely stop all communication now.

If it doesn’t “feel right” then it isn’t right.  No need to create a situation where there isn’t one.

Wish him well and then stop all communication, obvioiusly his intentions are completely on the up and up. 

Post # 4
Member
42490 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@MrsUPS:  Send him an email telling him that you value the relationship you have now, that you would never do anything to threaten this relationship and wish him well.

You don`t need the Bees to tell you what you already know is the right thing to do.

Post # 5
Member
3280 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Why would you still talk to him? There is absolutely no point. Tell him to be faithful. 

Post # 6
Member
493 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@MrsUPS:  Yes, you are giving him false hope- and it sounds like giving yourself false hope, too, on some level. And like you already know in your gut that this is wrong.

It’s fine to be friends with exes when both parties are actually over the other and platonic. Private chats about still being 100% in love with each other? Way, way over the line. Would you let your fiance read these, or his wife? If not, then cut it out- and make it clear that it’s not okay in future. You don’t have to be mean, but be very, very clear that you are involved with someone else and that you are not receptive to his advances or to non-platonic conversations.

“I love and am commited to my fiance and I don’t think it’s appropriate to talk to you if you’re going to discuss even the idea of us getting back together- it’s disrespectful to your wife and to my fiance, and it’s insulting that you think I would be willing to risk my relationship with the man I love just to let you fantasize about being with me. I’m also not that flattered to hear that someone who is married and “loves his wife very much” is also “100% in love with me”- I’m sure if we had stayed together you’d be having the same conversation about being “100% in love”  with some other woman you thought about all the time who represented the road not taken, while I took our kid to kindergarten. I feel okay about missing out on that. Good luck with your marriage.”

That should shut him down.

Post # 7
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’d stop all communication too. Wish him well for the future but say that you are happily in a relationship yourself and have no desire to rekindle what you had in the past.

So far as this sort of thing is concerned, my DH and I work on the basis that any conversation that couldn’t reasonably be shared between us is probably inappropriate and unlikely to bode well.

We are friends with ex-partners as it happens but we certainly don’t cross any lines. The messages you are having almost certainly DO cross a line and it might be worth considering what your FI would think it he stumbled across them.

Post # 8
Member
1566 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@MrsUPS:  Tell him that you’re not available, and that you wish him well in his life, but don’t want to keep up communication. 

And then don’t keep up communication.

Post # 9
Member
7179 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@MrsUPS:  I would be very direct with him.  Don’t beat around the bush and ignore his very clear advances.  I’d probably say something like:  “You were an important part of my life and I have fond affection for you, but we have both made other choices and have moved on from where we were.  I am happily engaged and have no intention of leaving or cheating on my soon to be husband.  I’d encourage you to focus on your marriage and family.  I wish you all the best and know it would be honoring to both of our relationships to cease communication.  Please respect my wishes, as I won’t be responding to any future messages from you.”

Post # 10
Member
1040 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I think that keeping up a friendship with this guy has so much potential to go bad. This guy didn’t tell you he loved you for no reason, he wants some sort of romantic or sexual relationship with you. If he just wanted to talk as friends, there was no reason to confess his feelings. I think you should consider how much this could hurt your FI – if you truly love him then you would never want to hurt him like that. 

 

Tell this his guy that you live your FI and you don’t think you should talk to him. Be gentle but firm 

Post # 11
Member
1627 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I would cut it off imediately. Knowingly communicating with someone who has clear romantic intentions doesn’t seem right.

Post # 12
Member
6407 posts
Bee Keeper

I would say replying to those messages at all already crossed the line into emotional cheating.

He is disrespecting his wife AND you AND your FI in behaving this way. I’d block an ex that pulled a stunt like that so fast his head would spin… though probably not before I sent a scathing message to him first though, or hmmm, would I have FI do the job? Either of us could do a great job tearing him a new one.

I’d suggest letting your FI know what’s been going on, as a first course of action. Don’t let this be a secret kept between the two of you. Then the sabotoge is starting to work aready.

Post # 13
Member
1272 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

If I’m ever in situations that I’m not sure are appropriate, I basically ask myself if I would be worried about my FI seeing the message/email/text. If I think it would concern him or would be embarrased for him to see it, then that is a major red flag. Because as we’ve all seen on the bee, these types of things tend to make an appearance to a SO sooner or later—and not usually the way we want them to!

Post # 15
Member
828 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

My guess is that his intentions are not to just keep in touch or check in, he is looking to cheat on his wife with you. He would not have tested the waters by telling you he was in love with you if he only had platonic intentions.

Think about how you would feel if you were his wife and found that message to you?

I would not communicate with any married man who told me he was in love with me, especially if I was in a committed relationship.

Post # 16
Member
774 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013 - Dalhousie Castle

@MrsUPS:  It’s already crossed the line into emotional cheating as he’s told you he’s in love with you. It’s definitely not just old friends chatting.

Worse case senario, it escalates to a full affaire and his wife and son are really hurt. Just cut it off now and save everyone the pain. 

I’d guess they are having some problems, and now he’s feeling the grass is greener etc. I would cut him off and force him to deal with his marriage instead of looking for something, even an emotional connection, on the side. 

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