Post # 1
Apologies in advance for the long post but I’m really really frustrated and this close to calling off the wedding. We got engaged in August after dating for 3 years and decided to get married in Feb 2013. His family, his mother especially, has always been overprotective of him and it has only become worse after the engagement. She’s constantly saying things like “Is she going to be the supportive wife that you need?” “Is she going to pick her friends over you” Is she blah blah blah. The worse part is he lets her get away with this. He rarely defends me if at all. I’ve always made him a priority in my life. In fact, last week I let go of a wonderful job opportunity because it wouldn’t be good for us in the long run. She even managed to turn that in to an issue! Basically, his dad helped me find the job but it was a case of “right job at the wrong time”. The Fiance and I decided that it would be best to let it go with our future in mind. Now his dad is kind of upset because he had to pull strings to get me the job and maybe he has a right to be. So I decided to send them both (his mom and dad) an apology mail explaining our decision. Since then they’ve both been acting even weirder with me. In fact, when I went over yesterday she was so awful that the Fiance said I should probably leave. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more humiliated. The Fiance defended himself saying he was protecting me so I wouldn’t have to listen to her say anything but maybe he should have left with me? The way I see it, she won.
We’ve been fighting over lots of little things other than this. The Fiance bought a house for us that is going to be our future home. Out of the blue yesterday he tells me he’s going to bring home someone’s couch so we can use it till we need a new one. Now:
a) I don’t see why we need to use someone else’s furniture in the first place. We don’t have a lot of money but we do have enough to buy a couch!
b) The couch was butt ugly.
The way I see it, the best part about moving in to a new home together is decorating it together with things that look good and are meaningful. A random ugly couch does not belong in our beautiful new home! I expressed my concern but he ended up calling me petty and said “The house is in MY name so I will take some decisions if need be.” Ouch!
Today, he even said some nasty things about my parents that was totally unnecessary. My parents are not very social but they are nice people and they mean no malice, unlike his parents.
Then, there’s the wedding itself. At every juncture, I start off saying this is what I want but it ends up being what his parents want. We started off with the idea of a beach wedding but he said it wouldn’t be possible for his mother to travel to another city. We found a beach facing hotel in our own city and I was ready to compromise but his father wants to invite like 600 people, in which case the hotel goes beyond the budget. I have begged and pleaded and fought for them to reduce the list. BUT the Fiance just says there are some people that he simply has to invite and I should understand it. Now the wedding is mostly going to happen on some ground so it can acoomodate all our unwanted guests. Then there’s the date. It was supposed to be in February and now he wants to postopne it to December because his brother and wife wont be able to make it in Feb! I don’t want to wait until Dec! When I pointed out that I was willing to have it in Feb even though my childhood best friend can’t make it, he said “She’s not family”. I responded with she’s as good as family and you don’t get to say that. Everything has been about him, his family and their convenience!
I can’t remember the good times anymore. I can’t remember why I wanted to marry him. Every day is a new fight, a new argument and some more crying. My mother ended up crying today because she couldn’t stand to see me like this anymore. Am I wrong to want out?
Post # 3
It sounds like FI’s having some problems adjusting to being half of a couple. You guys need to work on it but these problems don’t sound like they’re so horrible that I would immediately leave. It sounds like you guys need to reconnect and spend some time talking about your expectations. Maybe postpone the wedding to think about things some more?
What worries me is that you’re thinking about breaking up because of these problems. You’re likely to run into much greater problems than these as a married couple, and you both need to be comitted to making it work. Do you think you’re both in it for the long haul?
Post # 4
Please leave him. A healthy relationship isn’t so hard to be in and he can clearly defend himself to you but has problems defending you.
Post # 5
The “my way or the highway” attitude and letting his parents insult you would be big red flags for me. I think asking you to leave, but not leaving with you, is especially awful.
I can’t tell you whether you should stay with him or not, because I don’t know anything about his good sides. But if you want to end it, the reasons gave are certainly valid ones.
Post # 6
I don’t think I could be in a relationship with someone when his family hates me so much. When you marry, you marry someone’s family, too. It’s not as bad if they don’t live closeby but it sounds like you live close to them.
Why exactly do they behave this way towards you? What do they say about it?
Your Fiance should absolutely defend you but you should know that’s going to wear very thin after a while. It sounds like it’s wearing thin right now. It’s a difficult position to be put in to have to essentially choose between your future wife and the family you’ve had your whole life. He may resent you for it at this point. If not now, he may in the future.
I don’t know that you should just drop everything and leave him, but maybe postponing the wedding isn’t the worst idea. Maybe that’s what he was thinking when he suggested postponing until December.
Post # 7
A lot of warning flags here.
If you don’t want to leave him then I think couples counseling or therapy is in order.
Worry more about him and less about the parents. If he’s on your side like he should be then the parent issue wouldn’t matter so much. Problem is he’s not on your side like he should be. Which means he doesn’t want to be a true life partner with you.
I would definitely pospone the wedding for now. Don’t go through with a wedding you don’t want (600 people?!?!?!) to a man you’re not sure of. Try counseling/therapy and see if you can fix what’s broken. If so, great, if not, move on.
Post # 8
The whole ‘house is in my name, so I make the decisions’ just doesn’t do it for me. I’d break up wit him.
If he’s behaving like this now, no doubt he’ll only get worse after marriage. Contrary to popular fiction, people don’t change. He won’t start siding with you over his mother.
And then there’s the fact that he insulted your parents. Big no no.
Post # 9
The fact that it’s totally cool for so many random people from his side to attend, but it doesn’t matter to him that your best friend can’t make it…that’s enough for me.
I’m sorry if this isn’t the news you wanted to hear…=(
Post # 10
My advice would be: postpone the wedding and go get some couples counseling.
Post # 11
The whole house is in his name only? Why?
So he can make you his slave and you get nothing if he decides to kick you out of “his house” because he found someone his parents like better?
I suggest you talk to a counsellor (emotions) and lawyer (house) and see how you fare in this one sided relationship. I can tell you right now, it’s not looking good!
Post # 12
I am so sorry this is happening to you =/ My heart goes out to you.
Like other Bees, I really think you should leave. His mother thinks she can get away with treating you the way she does because he has let her. Also, the whole “house is in my name” thing really irritates me. You are getting ready to be married. What’s yours is his and what is his is yours. Not what is yours is his and what is his is his.
Post # 13
@balletflats: My mom doesn’t get along with my dads family. after trying for the first couple years of the marriage they just consigned themselves to the fact that it wasn’t going to happen. Now my dad maintains a relationship but his family understands my moms off limits and will stay away. So perhaps you don’t need him to have to disrespect his family, but he should also establish that your relationship and you are off limits to them if the can’t be supportive.
Post # 14
Yeah I think you definitely need to get counseling and force him to go with you. If he won’t go, then he obviously doesn’t want to work on your issues.
More importantly, you shouldn’t marry him if you are having doubts that make you not want to marry him. If you can’t be a part of this family for the rest of your life, and the man isn’t worth the family, then don’t put yourself through it. There will be someone else for you, with whom it isn’t this hard to be in a relationship.
I think insulting your family and having a wedding that doesn’t reflect anything you want is enough, but the treating you like a child by not including you in the purchase of the house and decorating would probably be a last straw.
Post # 15
His family isn’t the problem. If he can’t choose your happiness over his parents now then he never will. Counseling + postpone the wedding. Otherwise leave.
Post # 16
I voted yes but it wasn’t because of the way his parents treat you, but because of the way he treats you.
The whole couch thing would be a non-issue for me-I’d have no problem using it for a while (you can always use a pretty slip cover). It’s expensive to furnish a whole house with new thing. I can’t begin to count how many people I know who furnished their first home in “garage sale” decor and replaced with new as they went along.
But, him saying “It’s my house”? No-this is a house that is supposed to be for both of you.
And letting his parents treat you any old way? And his idea of “protecting” you is to shuffle you out of the door while he stays behind?? No buddy-in my mind you just chose your parents over me!
In your examples I see him putting his parents and himself before you–and this isn’t likely to change after marriage. What you see now is what you get.
His house. Your wedding is becoming a wedding for his parents. What else is not yours?
I’d be out of there in a flash. Maybe if he saw you were serious, he would agree to counseling and a big attitude change. If not, I’d just continue on my merry way and make a new life for myself that did not include him or his parents.