Post # 1
My MIL has told DH that she wants to come see her new grand baby a few weeks after delivery and bring a nine year old cousin of the baby with her for a yet to be determined length of time.
Obviously it’s important that she get to meet her new grandson and see him when he’s a baby, but honestly, I’m a little apprehensive about a visit so early on when we’ll still be figuring all of this new baby stuff out and doing our own new family bonding. I know that may sound selfish, but once the initial meet & greet baby happens, I feel like I’ll then have the added burden of entertaining them for however long they stay, esp. when DH is at work. She says she can help us out while she’s here, but I’m just not sure how she could really help…the baby will be sleeping a lot of the time and I want DH & I to do the caretaking when he’s awake (MIL completely lacks common sense & good judgement…wouldn’t let her watch my dog), I don’t feel right asking her to do house cleaning chores, laundry only takes so long, and she won’t have a car while she’s here so she can’t go pick up groceries or run errands. And then there’s the nine year old who will need something to do. Truth be told, with the exception of offering unsolicited “you should” advice, MIL has been pretty aloof about the pregnancy thus far (took 3 months to check out our baby website with ultrasound photos) which is probably not encouraging a sense of urgency in my wanting her to come visit.
So my question for you mommies is…when is a good time to host out of town guests who want to meet the new baby? Did you find it helpful to have them around or did you feel like it was an imposition and would that depend on how old baby was when they came to visit? I’m already anxious about the first few weeks as everyone keeps telling me about the sleepless nights and how hard it is so this MIL visit at the same time is just compounding that. Would love any advice or experiences you have to share.
Post # 3
I voted “other”. She can come out right away, and the first few weeks is appropriate in my experience. HOWEVER, the 9 year old is unnecessary. As useless as you make her sound, she will be even more useless to you with a 9 year old in tow. And won’t the 9 year old be loud and in the way? Yes, some 9 year olds are well behaved, but around a random newborn baby (2nd?) cousin? Forget it. Tell her that she is welcome, but you really can’t accomodate the cousin as well.
Now if this is something like she is te 9 year old’s caretaker, and she can’t leave the cousin, ask that they stay in a hotel.
Post # 4
I voted “when the baby is one month”. This is why. The first few weeks can be stressful (esp. if you’re a first timer) with the crazy changes in sleep schedules. There is no way I could handle having two guests IN my home staying for an undetermined amout of time, even more so when one guest is a 9 year old.
If you could, I’d see if they can see at a hotel/motel like the PP above me suggested.
Post # 5
Well, since we are Jewish, if we have a boy we won’t have much choice since there will be a bris for the family to attend 8 days after the boy is born. We have told my mom she can come out on day 6 and my husband’s parents can come out on day 7. No one is staying at our apartment, so atleast we know they have to leave at some point! Ha!
If we have a girl, we are asking for atleast 2 weeks, but since it’s a first grandbaby, we are sure they will want to be there right away. We hope they respect that (and maybe we just won’t let them in!).
I would definitely think it’s a little much to have people around for an “undetermined” amount of time though, so maybe try to set some ground rules before they book tickets and see if you can find a good hotel or other family or friends that can host.
Post # 6
For me it would depend on if they were actually going to be helpful or not. If they aren’t the kind to actually help with food for you, diaper changes, laundry, cleaning, etc. then I would say after 1 month at least. If they are the kind to truly help out, then after the first week or two would be fine for me.
Post # 7
I feel very strongly that we needed a full month to get to know our baby before they came. I wasn’t comfortable in my skin as a mom up til that point… and even a little bit afterward and would have been really sad if I had to entertain, clean house and take care of the baby before a month!
Post # 8
I agree with the one month mark. My husband and I had the first two weeks to ourselves, which was so incredible, I like to call it our “babymoon.” 🙂 Then, my mom came up for 2 weeks, and since she was super helpful with cooking/cleaning/etc… it was nice to have her here. Finally, my in-laws came when Addie was 4-6 weeks old, and even though things were fine, I’m glad we waited. I needed time to get comfortable as a mom, and I really didn’t want my in-laws around while I was still physically healing. It just would’ve been too much for me to handle (e.g. houseguests, new baby, recovering from birth, etc…).
Post # 9
I think we’ll probably have regrets but we’re basically saying whoever/whenever for now. I’ve made it clear that we’re not going to be super Ms and Mr hostess, there will be a place to stay and clean sheets but if you’re coming come with food and pillows and pick up after yourself. Luckily no one is planning an extended trip but we have a massive amount of people who have said they are coming for an overnight or two stay within the first couple months since it’s summer when she’s born and people seem to have more free time. I’m not sure how many will actually come and non-family hasn’t made any definitive plans so we’ll see how it actually works out, I have no qualms about telling people no if I’m tired of others being in the house though.
Post # 10
I’ve given this some thought for when we get pregnant and I’m with @Mrs. DG when it comes to my in-laws. My MIL/FIL mean well, but having them over is stressful and I am uncomfortable asking them to do things (I’m also anal about how I like things done, I get it from my mother). My own parents I wouldn’t mind after the birth- my mother would be a HUGE help. She’d keep the house clean and help me with the baby as I wanted (she’s not the type to push her child rearing skills on people).
Post # 11
Give it at least a month. Mr. Rowe stayed home with me for 2 weeks, and then my mom (who lives a block away) came over every day for 2 weeks.. just like a pp said.
You won’t be up for visitors.. even the ones you like. You may not shower daily, you’ll be so sleep deprived you can’t see straight, you’ll be trying to sleep when your little one does, and when lo is awake, you’ll be feeding/bathing/changing diapers.. and then it’s back to bed. You’ll wake every time they whimper, even if your husband is trying to take care of them so you can sleep.. so even having someone there “to help” isn’t much help.
After about a month or so, baby will sleep longer, you’ll get into a routine that works for you.. and you’ll start to feel somewhat normal again.
And even then… I still think she should stay in a hotel.
Honestly, every new mother deserves to: walk around braless.. nurse on the couch while watching reality smut reruns.. eat whatever they want without the judging eye of a mil.. and nap whenever they please.
Post # 12
I am so happy that my MIL lives in town so we dont’ have to worry about her actually staying with us. However, we do have to figure out a good time for my mom, dad, and sister to come up. I think it will have to be right when the baby is born because my sister will have to go back to school when the baby is 3-4 weeks.
Post # 13
@SecretName: We’re the same all of the grandparents are withing a couple hours so no overnight stays if we don’t want them.
I don’t think having the MIL come is a bad thing IF she really is one to help out (but it doesn’t really sound like she would be). I would ask that the cousin stays home unless they’re well behaved – because otherwise they’ll just be another person to have to entertain and they could get really bored (although sometimes older kids can be helpful if they’re excited about a baby).
I’d see if she could wait a month or 2 so you have time to adjust. Maybe see if you can get her to book a flight farther out using the excuse that the baby could come a few weeks late.
Post # 14
Sometime around a month, whenever you feel comfortable.
Post # 15
I think it depends on the particular in-laws. In some cases, I think it can be a good thing to have someone help you out in the beginning. She doesn’t need to come right away, but after the first 5 or 6 days, I image you’ll be very tired, as will your husband. A friend of mine is having her in-laws (not her parents!) come right away, because they are super helpful.
Plus, I don’t know if your husband gets time off from work, but if he gets 2 weeks, maybe he could take the first week off, and then use the remaining days at a later date since your MIL will be there. Maybe that second week of his time off could be used in 1/2 days, after your MIL leaves. Just a thought.
Also, if your MIL does come, I think your husband should just make it clear that you guys need her to help YOU, so that YOU can take care of the baby. You will want to sit and hold the new baby and cuddle the baby and watch the baby sleep. But the laundry will pile up, heating up leftovers will get old, and your house will eventually need dusting.
She doesn’t need to be working all day, but she might be able to help with some of those things. Perhaps your husband could be the one to let her know what you guys want her to do.
As for the nine year old, is he/she related to you? That is something that I would NOT want at all. I wouldn’t want my MIL coming and bringing a 9 year old, because I would feel like the nine year old would need entertainment, etc. Perhaps you could convince her not to? Maybe say that you plan to breastfeed throughout the day wherever you are in the house, and you are NOT going to go up into your room every single time. Newborns are feeding ALL THE TIME. The last thing you want to do is flash a boob to the nine year old, OR feel like you are in time out in your room or the nursery all day long.
Post # 16
I think around 1 or 2 months is a good time for a visit from a MIL…obviously some are different, but I found mine to be as much extra work as help as I had to entertain her to some degree. The first 4 weeks you are just getting your footing and really bonding as a family – I can’t imagine having to also be concerned about my MIL during that time!
I would also suggest that the “undeteremined length” of the visit be determined! I put my husband in charge of doing this with his mother – we ended up with a visit a bit longer than I wanted but probably less time than she would have liked. This early time with your baby is so special, make sure you protect it while also allowing those that are important to you to be a part of this special time….