When is enough, enough?

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: How many times should you contact a person to get an RSVP before throwing in the towel?
    once : (29 votes)
    23 %
    twice : (59 votes)
    46 %
    three : (22 votes)
    17 %
    Keep trying until you get a response : (17 votes)
    13 %
  • Post # 3
    842 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @eliza_p:  I will be leaving two voicemails and one email. After that, they will get one saying that I am taking their lack of response as a no. 

    Post # 4
    753 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    How much will it cost you to hav a plate just in cas that person does show up? and how much is that worth to you? 

    if you stubbornly dont call for ettiquite/principle of the matter i think its on you and you have no right to complain..

    people have busy lives and as much we want to believe, thier lives dont revolve around our weddings..  

    Post # 5
    1822 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013 - Pavilion overlooking golf course scenery, reception at banquet hall

    I never hit a limit exactly, I just kept the people highlighted in red on my spreadsheet. If it was someone from “my side” I’d try to contact them about once per week, starting one week out from the stated RSVP deadline, and if it was someone from “his side” I’d bug him about once per week to contact them 😛 Finally got a response out of all but two by the catering deadline, so I just counted them as “yes” just in case, and my catering wasn’t very much per person so it kept me safe for number of chairs, etc. Turns out I told the caterer 20+ higher than showed up, though *grumble*

    Post # 6
    11604 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I didn’t have a limit.  I wanted to ensure I had accurate numbers and to make sure I had enough seats and food for anyone who showed up.  I would have been mortified if an invited guest showed up and I didn’t have a seat or a meal for them.  Rudeness shouldn’t beget rudeness.

    Post # 7
    4511 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    I voted 3. I’m counting the original invitation as contact #1, then I would try two other forms of communication (voice mail and email or something.) Actually, I might go with 4. After trying twice, I would send one more message, “I’m assuming that since you haven’t responded to either of my other two contacts, that you aren’t able to come. Since I have to get my final numbers into the caterer, I just have to let you know that even if you change your mind, there won’t be a plate or a seat for you.” Or something like that.

    ETA: but really, it never got that far with anyone. If it gets that far, then you have some pretty rude guests! I guess I’m not friends with anyone who would do that much ignoring…

    Post # 9
    5460 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    @eliza_p:  I decided not to follow up with non-responders.  The way I see it, you’re an adult and it isn’t my job to chase you down for an answer.








    If someone showed up (and they did) without having selected a meal and sent the RSVP, then they were more than welcome to sit at the extra table in the back and nibble on the fruits/veggies/cheeses during the cocktail hour but we could not guarantee them a plated meal with everyone else.




    ETA- because we had food displays, cake, and an open bar, I wasn’t terribly concerned with someone who couldn’t be bothered to tell me whether or not they were coming not feeling properly hosted.  We had a few no-shows and the invited guests who came without letting me know were able to take the meals for those who didn’t show up, so it all worked out in the end.


    Post # 10
    69 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    I didn’t vote in the poll because I’m not sure where to draw the limit…


    I suppose it’s really up to you…on how much effort you want to put into a “concrete” guest total.  If it’s about the catering (cause we all know that can be pretty spendy), then I would say make as many calls (I like the idea of once a week) until the catering deadline.  If you’re leaving voicemails, just keep it polite…like “Hi “so&so”, it’s ???.  I still haven’t heard back from you about the wedding.  We really hope you can attend.  I need to let my caterer no ASAP on my final guest count so if you could please give a quick call or even shoot me a text with a yay or a nay, I would really appreciate it…hope to hear from you soon!”

    As Kandiss rather snarkily remarked, people are busy, however it’s not that we expect their lives to revolve around us, but as a bride, planning a wedding, we need to know things by a particular date…and regardless of how busy someone might be with their own lives, picking up the phone to send a quick text or make a 30 second phone call just to say yes or no, is not asking much.

    I guess you just have to make the decision on your own…think about the people that haven’t responded…what’s your relationship with you…do you THINK they’ll be coming?  And then just make an assumption…you should be fine with a guest count eithe way, cause even when people do RSVP yes, sometimes things change and they don’t show!


    Good Luck!

    Post # 11
    842 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @DaneLady:  I love this. I totally agree. Other people’s lives may not revolve around our weddings, but guests are grown ups who should be responsible enough to respond to a formal invite, and if they’re not, that’s on them. 

    Post # 13
    2173 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2017

    @red_rose:  I like that idea.  It makes a lot of sense, especially letting them no that due to their lack of response, they will be put down as a no.

    Post # 15
    267 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2016

    I voted 2. My sister got married last year, and she had the same issue. She called up until a few days before her wedding, left voicemails, emailed, FB messaged..you name it. NO response. The “non-responders” (9 total) showed up on her wedding day upset that they did not have a seat reserved nor meal. 


    I will not be dealing with that.


    @TattedNYBride +1 I totally agree!

    Post # 16
    7654 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2012

    @eliza_p:  I called once and left a message. If I called again and there was no answer, it was an autodecline.

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