- 5 years ago
- Wedding: January 2014
This is going to be long, because the history here is long. I apologize in advance, and appreciate anyone who reads and responds to this.
I don’t know what to do anymore with my mother. As I’ve gotten older, as many people do, I started to realize my parents aren’t perfect. And for the last 4 years I’ve had arguments over and over again with my mother and it always boils down to, me not “respecting her”. Although, looking back perhaps this didn’t just start in the last 4 years, but has merely escalated.
My mother never was good at balancing being my mother or my friend. When I was a child, I didn’t have siblings so I was always around adults. I was treated as an adult, but then when I would behave as one, my mother decided I needed to go to therapy because I wasn’t “respecting adults” My whole life, my mother was always friends with my friends, to the point of it getting strange. Like her going on double dates with couple friends of mine when I went to college. When I went to college, I went to one 12,000 miles away from my parents. I didn’t want to call my mother everyday, I just wanted some freedom, but she bitched and moaned and fought and guilted me until I was calling her everyday.
When I graduated college I, like many recent grads, couldn’t find a job. I moved back in with my parents. Granted, I didn’t have a lot of friends left back home, I had lost touch with many of them during college (I spent as much time away as possible- with trips or internships all over the world) so I spent a lot of time with my parents, I became depressed. Lots of things happened in that time, but eventually I met this guy and we started dating. It took me about 1 month to realize that he was fun, but not someone that I wanted to spend my life with. But my mother immediately went into attack mode. Constantly berating me about him, trying to get me to break up with him etc. She would text with the few friends I did have left at home complaining about him. She would tell everyone how awful he was. Now, I will admit, I’m stubborn like my mother. And I wanted to try and teach her a lesson, so since I was just having fun with him, and was having a hard time discerning between how I felt and what thoughts were in my head bc my mother was trying to put them there, we just kept dating. Having a good time together.
8 months later, I was in a horrific car accident (3rd party’s fault) and I decided to break up with him when I found out from some friends of his that he was actually a pathological liar. Hey, I knew this guy was no catch, but when your bored and just want someone to go out with, he was fun! Of course my mother gloated beyond belief.
When I had the car accident a lot of my priorities changed. I promised to think about myself more and not try to do things for other people. I promised myself that I was going to dedicate my life to making myself happy and feel fulfilled.
A few months after that I met this guy. I originally tried to tell him to go away because he didn’t fit the mold I expected for a potential mate, but he was persistent. He stayed my friend, and was there while I tried to figure out what I wanted. Finally, I did realize that I loved him and I was denying myself happiness because I was afraid my parents would revert to the behavior I had with the first Boyfriend or Best Friend.
And they did. My mother became even more hysterical, we had 2 altercations where she started hitting me, they took away everything they could, she would talk to everyone in the family, spreading lies and rumors about me and my new Boyfriend or Best Friend, manipulating people into thinking that I’ve done some horrendous things! Eventually I had to move out of their house. Meanwhile, everything else fell into place, both me and my now Fiance found great jobs and since we both needed to get out of our current living situations we moved in together.
My relationship with my man has only gotten better and better. We’ve had a lot of people tell us that they’ve never seen a couple as good together as we are. We obviously got engaged. After that my mother stopped criticizing my fiancé and started with the “were mad at you not him, for your disrespect” crusade.
My mother and I keep mending things and then a few month later, she starts up with the same thing, demanding apologizes for not respecting them, saying that I have disappointed her and that she wasted her life on me. A few months ago we had the best hash it out session to date where we decided to bury the hatchet. My Fiance and I hung out with my parents a few times, we were talking more, and she even went shopping with me for my wedding dress! And then October rolled around…my mother travels for her job and she tells me that she will be traveling the entire month of Oct. So we try to get together before in order to see each other. Scheduling just doesn’t work out though. The first part of the month she’s in Mexico and I have no way of talking to her, I don’t know what her schedule is though, so being a busy woman, I just go about my life. The beginning of Nov rolls around and I call my mom because finally my in-laws will be in town and we should do dinner for them to meet (I had mentioned this to her before) Every time I call her, she is totally apathetic, barely talks, has a totally depressed attitude and is overwhelmingly negative. I try to point out to her that she is being negative but to not start a fight, I mainly ignore her behaviors when she isn’t responsive, hoping that she will get over whatever it is that she’s upset about.
Finally, we go out to dinner with my in-laws, who have been nothing but supportive and loving and are really good people! (I got lucky!) Before dinner she texts me to ask what were doing for paying. So I ask her “split it?” and she tells me “whatever you want”. The dinner actually goes ok, and then the next day I sent her a note saying thank you for dinner. She immediately starts to say how she didn’t really have a choice and she starts attacking my in-laws saying that they were “presumptuous and rude” for “deciding what she does with her finances”. And I loose it! My parents aren’t even paying for the wedding and they have a lot more money than my fiancés parents, but she’s complaining and judging them because they didn’t let the “kids” pay. My parents treat us all the time, seriously in what world is it unreasonable to think that in that situation the parents would split the bill?
I’ve just had enough of her negativity and bashing of people. She is constantly criticizing and judging others and can’t get past her own opinions. She is incapable of just being happy for me, of moving on from the past, of seeing any of the good in my life. She’s always pitting me against my family that didn’t agree with her when we were fighting (did I mention she doesn’t talk to her dad or brother and refuses to be around my dad’s sister?) I’m beyond hurt and upset, now I’m just angry and annoyed. I really want nothing to do with her (but how do u say goodbye to your mom?)
Now my Fiance has stayed quite through a lot of this, but my mother actually called him after we blew up at each other. She’s a master manipulator though, my mother in law heard much of the conversation and she actually started to feel bad for her. It wasn’t until later when we were talking and I told my Mother-In-Law, “well let me guess my mother did this, this and this during the conversation” that she realized that my mother was a master at getting people to feel sorry for her. She kept telling them, “oh she doesn’t love us, and she doesn’t care about us” (trust me if I didn’t care, I would have given up a long time ago)
Regardless, my Fiance and my parents decided that we’re going to meet this coming Sunday to talk about things. The four of us, but my fiancé told me that she is expecting me to walk in there and be “genuinely sorry about what I’ve done” and that she will be too. The problem is, I’M NOT! What do I have to be sorry for, I’ve apologized fro the past several times. I’ve not attacked her or brought up the past or criticized. For one month I didn’t call or see her as much, but she is just as guilty of that too. She is my mother, she knows I LOATHE the telephone. I don’t call people to chitchat. Never have! (Same battle from when she left me at college much) It doesn’t mean that I don’t answer thee phone or wont talk if she calls, it’s just not something that I ever think of doing. She also knows that we only have 1 car right now, so I don’t have a way to go see her very often (we live 1 hr. away)
The situation just feels hopeless, I keep thinking about Sunday and I know I’m not going to be able to apologize to her…again! What do I have to apologize for, having a busy month? Not letting her get away with saying things like the people I love are “presumptuous and rude”? I don’t know how to be her punching bag anymore but I also don’t know how to let her go…Or am I crazy to think that this is a pattern that isn’t going to end. My Fiance keeps telling me to have hope and try to wipe the slate clean, but I can’t help thinking shes just going to do it over and over again.